2:36 PM
On a Friday
Philadelphia, PA
[INT. THE BAR
Frank, Charlie, and Mac are seated in bar stools, and Dennis is behind the counter, cleaning a glass.]
CHARLIE: Frank, I am not spending my hard earned money on Fancy Feast cat food.
FRANK: It's my money! I'm the one shellin' out for the cat food!
CHARLIE: It's the principle of the thing, man! It's -
DENNIS: You guys are still doing that? You're still eating cat food every night? I can't believe this.
[Mac and Charlie talk over each other]
MAC: I know, Dennis, it's disgusting. Grown men, eating cat food every night.
CHARLIE: I've seen all their creamy delights and their liver pad thai and I don't want it! Since when was regular cat food not enough for you, Frank?
[The door opens. Dee enters.]
DEE: [shouting over the noise] Hey, assholes, I have news!
DENNIS: There's no need to shout, Dee, we're not animals.
DEE: You guys always - Whenever I have something to say, you - You know what, never mind. I'm a lesbian.
"Sweet Dee Comes Out"
MAC: Dee, you can't steal my thing; I was gay first. Even though I did hide it perfectly for the entire time you guys knew me.
FRANK: Yeah, we already got one gay. We don't really need another.
DEE: Oh my god, Mac, I'm not copying you, and Frank, I don't give a shit about what you need.
CHARLIE: Oh, shit, Dee, we kissed! Does that make me, like, a woman? I kissed a lesbian!
FRANK: They're gonna come cut your dick off.
DENNIS: [waves dismissively at Frank and Charlie] Dee, does this mean your hot lesbian friends are gonna be coming to the bar?
DEE: Gross, Dennis. Do you hear yourself? Do you hear how homophobic you're being?
DENNIS: Dee, I can't possibly be homophobic, I'm…
FRANK: You're what?
DENNIS: My best friend is a gay man. My sister is a lesbian!
DEE: Oh my god, do you hear yourself? That's like saying you have a black friend, so you can't be racist.
DENNIS: Dee, I would never… This is completely different.
FRANK: Hey Deandra, you still into acting?
DEE: Well, I'm not into acting , I'm pursuing it as a career, but yes.
FRANK: I'm thinkin' we could do some kinda TV show, you know? Like that lesbian with the talk show. Eileen.
DEE: Ellen. And, like I would ever sink that low. I have characters , I have integrity -
FRANK: I'm sure there are plenty of other lesbians willing to make a shitload of money and be on TV. We'll be at the community theater if you change your mind. C'mon, Charlie.
[Frank and Charlie leave.]
DENNIS: Dee, do you really think I'm homophobic?
DEE: Of course you're homophobic, Dennis. Straight people, right?
[Dee tries to nudge Mac with her elbow, but he shoves her away.]
DENNIS: What do I have to do to prove I'm not homophobic, set you up on a date?
DEE: Please do not do that.
DENNIS: You know, Mac, I've always considered myself an excellent matchmaker.
MAC: You totally are, bro.
DEE: I don't need you dickholes setting me up with someone. I'm gonna kill it on the lesbian dating scene!
DENNIS: Like you killed it dating men? Most of whom would bang anything that moves?
[Mac nods in agreement.]
DENNIS: No, Sweet Dee, you need our help. And I know just the girl.
[Mac and Dennis exit, leaving Dee alone in the bar.]
DEE: They're seriously not gonna ask me to go with them?
[INT. COMMUNITY THEATER
Frank is sitting in a director's chair on the floor, while Charlie stands on the stage in a headset, yelling orders at people who are building a set. Artemis walks over to Frank.]
FRANK: Artemis! Thanks for getting here on such short notice.
ARTEMIS: Oh, no problem, I love this type of shit. Good to hear Dee's playing for the other team, too. I haven't gotten out my other set of nipple clamps in forever.
FRANK: You've been holding out on me.
CHARLIE: [frantically] Frank, for the love of God, where is the talent? I've got a green room full of lesbians and no Dee!
[Dee enters, walking over to where Frank is sitting.]
FRANK: Deandra, you're finally here! Let's get you to makeup, you need it.
DEE: Frank, I am still not doing this. I'm not blowing my chance at an Oscar!
FRANK: What are you talking about? This is great exposure for you.
DEE: Have you seen Ellen in any movies lately? Or Oprah? Huh?
FRANK: It's a twenty minute show on Public Access, Deandra. Get backstage.
ARTEMIS: You know, Dee, this could be exactly what you need. Remember Patrick from acting class? He was in the background of Good Morning America, and now he's guest starring on Law & Order.
DEE: Really?
ARTEMIS: Really. This is gonna be your big break.
[Artemis walks Dee over to a chair in front of a large mirror and starts to apply her makeup. Frank follows.]
FRANK: Don't be stingy with that stuff, Artemis. Deandra needs all the help she can get.
DEE: Hey!
[INT. Frank and Charlie's apartment
Mac and Dennis are rummaging around, looking for something.]
MAC: Are you sure Charlie still keeps that book on the waitress? I can't find it anywhere.
DENNIS: I don't understand what he sees in that woman, but I do know that Charlie would sooner die than stop keeping tabs on her every movement.
[Mac opens a cabinet and is seen pulling out a toy mouse, a wooden spoon, and a ball of stuck-together Cheetos. Both Mac and Dennis grimace, but keep looking.]
DENNIS: [scoffs to himself] Me? Homophobic? As if.
MAC: I don't know, Dennis. Remember when you wouldn't go to that Chicago concert with me? Pretty homophobic. I'm gay, and you really inconvenienced me. It's not every day they come to Philadelphia.
DENNIS: That's not… Goddamn, do you understand what homophobia is?
MAC: [shrugs] Whatever, bro. I think I understand a lot better than you.
DENNIS: I cannot possibly be homophobic.
MAC: Why?
[There is a pause, and then Dennis and Mac start talking at the same time.]
DENNIS: You know what, never mind, it doesn't matter, I'm a huge homophobe -
MAC: Dude, you've totally showed outward signs of being gay! I think I have gaydar now, you are so totally -
DENNIS: Hey! I found the notebook!
[Mac scrambles over to where Dennis is and reads over his shoulder.]
MAC: Is that a blueprint of the waitress's apartment? That looks like an original copy.
DENNIS: This is creepy as shit, dude. Should we do something about this?
MAC: [waves a hand dismissively] Ah, it's Charlie.
DENNIS: Yeah, whatever. Let's call Dee.
MAC: Right, we need Dee for this.
[INT. COMMUNITY THEATER, GREEN ROOM.
Artemis is doing Dee's makeup. Frank is standing next to them. In the background, people are running all over, setting up.]
DEE: [answers the phone] Hey, what's up?
DENNIS: Not too busy working on your fancy talk show to answer?
CHARLIE: [muffled] Dee, get off the phone! I'm trying to put on a show here!
DEE: I'm on my way.
[EXT. DINER
Mac and Dennis stand outside the glass window, doing a mediocre job at hiding. The waitress is sitting inside, alone at a booth. Dee walks up to the diner.]
DEE: Ugh, Frank was driving me crazy. What are you dickwads up to?
DENNIS: Dee, inside that diner is the woman of your dreams.
DEE: Natalie Portman is here? [peers through the glass]
MAC: The waitress is in there, waiting for you!
DENNIS: Well, she thinks she's waiting for me, but you're gonna go on the date. Pretty cool of me to do, right?
DEE: Not cool, Dennis. I don't need you two idiots setting me up with someone!
DENNIS: Charlie's stalker notebook confirms that the waitress dates women, I don't see what the problem is!
DEE: What kind of logic is that? What makes you think I want to bang the waitress?
MAC: Hey, this was all Dennis's idea. I'm gay, so I would never do something so insensitive.
DENNIS: Insensitive!?
DEE: Screw you guys.
[Dee storms off.]
MAC: Bro, I'm starving.
DENNIS: [suddenly calm] Yeah, let's get lunch.
[Dennis and Mac go into the diner and sit in the booth next to the waitress's.]
WAITRESS: Hey, Dennis!
DENNIS: You're mistaken. [looks up] Oh, shit, I forgot about you. Yeah, we're done with that now, you can go home.
WAITRESS: Screw you, Dennis Reynolds.
[The waitress throws a glass of water in his face and storms out of the restaurant.]
DENNIS: What is her problem?
MAC: I don't know, dude, you kinda deserved that. Hey, do you have a pen? I want to draw Hitler mustaches on the plumber guys on the placemat.
DENNIS: No, I don't have a pen, what kind of nerd do you - Is that an ad for a softball league?
MAC: Yeah, it is, so what?
DENNIS: So, softball is, like, the biggest lesbian activity there is! We show up to their pickup game this afternoon, and we just happen to run into Dee, who will inevitably be there, and then bam. Who's homophobic now, bitch?
MAC: Softball seems kind of lame, though. Like, lesbians think they're too good for baseball? And what's up with short center?
DENNIS: I don't know, dude, women just don't understand sports.
MAC: Ha, yeah.
DENNIS: But hey, dude, softball is totally gonna get you closer to the Phillies. One day you're playing softball in the park, and then before you know it, you're throwing a ball around on The Bank with Chase Utley.
MAC: Chase is dead to me, Dennis. Dead to me.
DENNIS: Right, they traded him to the Dodgers... Ryan Howard?
MAC: He's gone too, bro. Playing for a minor league team with some bullshit science name.
DENNIS: This is the problem with America. People have no respect for athletes any more!
MAC: Too true.
DENNIS: This is why we have to get down there.
[INT. COMMUNITY THEATER
Dee enters. There are cameras set up, and Artemis is on a couch on the stage talking to a woman with a short haircut. Frank is in his director's chair off to the side, and Charlie stands next to him talking into his headset.]
ARTEMIS: Kass, thanks so much for joining us today. [to the camera] I'm Artemis, and my asshole is no longer bleached. [winks]
CHARLIE: Artemis! That is not the line!
ARTEMIS: Fine. I'm Artemis, and you're watching the Artemis DuBois show.
[The interview continues in the background while Dee walks over to Frank.]
DEE: Frank, what the hell is going on? This was supposed to be my show!
FRANK: You took too long. The show must go on.
DEE: Couldn't you have waited five more minutes? This is supposed to be my day, Frank. My day!
[Back on the stage]
KASS: ...so it's great for building community, really connecting -
CHARLIE: [miming frantically at Artemis and whisper-yelling] Commercial! Break for commercial!
ARTEMIS: [disinterestedly] Interesting! We'll be right back.
DEE: [Dee walks onto the stage.] Hi, Kass! I'm Dee Reynolds, so good to meet you, thanks for being on my show.
KASS: Your show?
DEE: I'm gonna be the next lesbian talk show host, like Ellen? Artemis here isn't even a lesbian. Did you know she used to have disgusting sex with that bald guy over there?
ARTEMIS: That's true, I did. But I have bedded many a lesbian in my day. [gives Kass a once-over]
KASS: Uh...
DEE: So, you run a softball league? I've always loved that sport. Played it in college, actually. [mimes windmill softball pitch] I could really bend it like Beckham, you know?
KASS: Bend it like Beckham, really... Why don't you come and pitch for us today?
DEE: Oh… You see, I would, but my arm just isn't what it -
ARTEMIS: I've been looking for a place to wear my new batting gloves. We're in.
[Artemis winks lasciviously at Kass, who looks uncomfortable.]
KASS: Shouldn't we be getting ready to go back on air?
CHARLIE: Oh, no, we've got like another five minutes. There's a pretty long infomercial for Fight Milk in there.
DEE: Is that your only advertiser? How exactly do you guys think this is gonna make you any money?
FRANK: Frank's Fluids is paying for the air time!
DEE: That's your company. You're paying for airtime on Public Access, which is free, dumbass.
FRANK: Oh, it's embezzlement. I'm embezzling the shit out of this company.
[EXT. BASEBALL FIELD
Two teams are warming up on the field. It is mostly women, but there are a few men. One team is throwing around balls in the outfield, while the other takes batting practice.
Mac and Dennis walk towards the field, wearing matching blue tracksuits.]
MAC: Okay, dude, stick close to me. You gotta be real wary of lesbians. They're not thinking about men, so they have all this extra time on their hands to get up to some serious shit.
DENNIS: Come on, I'm not afraid of a bunch of girls. What can they possibly do to two strong, tough, vital men like ourselves?
[A woman taking batting practice misses the ball, and then cracks the bat in half with her bare hands.]
DENNIS: Did she just - ?
MAC: Holy shit. Dennis, I didn't want to have to go here, but I think we're gonna need to pretend to be a couple. Hear me out - we have to blend in here, draw as little attention to ourselves as possible.
DENNIS: The tracksuits are gonna make that a little difficult. I can't believe you convinced me to wear this thing.
MAC: It is making your eyes pop , bro.
DENNIS: Really? Thanks, man.
MAC: So, the couple thing? Are you in, or no? 'Cause if not, I'm probably gonna head out…
DENNIS: No, I'm in, dude. I'm a little scared, to be honest with you, and, well. It'd be pretty homophobic for me to say no, wouldn't it?
[Mac rolls his eyes, and they approach one of the captains, a woman with short hair who is chewing a lot of gum.]
DENNIS: Hello, Ma'am, we are here for the softball game.
CAPTAIN: No shit. What do you play?
MAC: First base.
DENNIS: Aren't you going to ask if we're dating? Two young, attractive men standing in very close proximity of each other, attending a softball game!
CAPTAIN: I was not. What position do you play?
DENNIS: [takes Mac's hand] If you must know, Mac and I have been together for almost ten years now.
CAPTAIN: That's great. Position?
DENNIS: That's a pretty strange thing to ask someone, but if you insist on prying, I am the top. Mac, who is my power bottom -
MAC: Oh my god. He'll play second.
[The captain gives them a strange look, but tosses them two baseball gloves and goes back to warming up.]
MAC: Dude, I can't do this anymore.
DENNIS: What, are you embarrassed? Pretending to be a couple was your idea, Mac.
MAC: I assessed the situation, and decided it was the safest option. But you're - Look, Dennis, could you tone it down a little bit? It was okay before I was out, because you had no way of even suspecting I was gay, but now it kind of hurts.
DENNIS: What am I doing?
MAC: You seriously don't know, dude? The way you're always touching me, and talking about how we bang...
DENNIS: Yes, and?
MAC: It kind of feels like you're leading me on, okay?
DENNIS: Come on, man, this is how we've always been! Blood brothers, right?
MAC: This isn't working for me anymore, Den. I get it, you're not gay, you'll never be into it like I am. Just - Stop messing with me, you know?
DENNIS: I'm not messing with you, dude. I'm - I'm into it. I never really said I wasn't, so you can't -
[Mac kisses Dennis.]
[The teams line up to shake hands before the game begins. Mac and Dennis are on one team, while Frank, Charlie, Dee, and Artemis are on the other. Dennis shakes Dee's hand.]
DENNIS: Dee, did you know that Mac and I have been in a non-sexual gay relationship for over a decade? Who's homophobic now, bitch?
DEE: That's great, I don't care. You're still an asshole.
DENNIS: You look like a bird.
MAC: Ha, nice. [Mac starts to high five Dennis, but then seems to change his mind and cups Dennis's face. They kiss.]
DEE: Ugh, I hate you guys. You're not even going to ask how I am? No?
FRANK: Deandra!
DEE: Are you going to ask me how being an out lesbian is?
FRANK: Your talk show is over! Cancelled! Finito!
DEE: What the hell, Frank?
FRANK: We're gonna air the softball! Wolf Cola is now the official drink of Boko Haram, and the South Philadelphia Softball League!
DEE: Come on!
FRANK: I should've been doing business with the gays sooner. They drink a shit ton of soda.
DEE: Can't I have one day about me? One day?
[The rest of their team is huddled in the background, as if they are talking about strategy. Charlie is speaking and gesticulating wildly, and the players listen raptly.]
CHARLIE: ...so we were on the plane, and I had had, like, twenty beers. And I wasn't even trying that hard to break his record, you know? I was just thirsty, like Wade Boggs, may he rest in peace.
KASS: Wade Boggs isn't -
CHARLIE: And then this kid, like, passed out!
[Charlie continues telling his story as Dennis and Mac's team takes the field. Mac and Dennis are seen throwing a ball back and forth with big smiles on their faces. Frank is in conversation about soda with Kass. Dee and Artemis stand on the sideline.]
DEE: [muttering darkly] These assholes don't give a shit about me. I'm the lesbian, and they still find some way to make it about them!
ARTEMIS: Yeah, rough. You wanna go bang in the equipment shed?
DEE: Yeah, alright.