I'm at a pay phone tryin' to call home, all of my change I spent on you Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong, where are the plans we made for two
Morgan dialed his number for the fourth time and let out a frustrated sigh as it went to voicemail again. He'd been trying to get ahold of Reid for over an hour but he'd gotten nowhere. The genius had left work early without a word to anyone. They all knew he'd finished his work early and had it piled neatly in the out box on his excessively immaculate desk. But none of them had been able to get ahold of them. It set an uneasy pit in Morgan's stomach but he had to finish his own work before he had the time to check on his lover.
Morgan hadn't been able to finish his work as quickly as he would have liked. Worrying about his young lover took over and the seven files he had left to finish sat waiting for his attention. It was almost ten at night before he got out of the office. Everyone had left before him as it was the weekend and barring an emergency case they had the time off. Even Hotch, the ever workaholic, had left the office hours ago.
As the voicemail read itself again he left a message.
"Hey Spence, I'll be home in about half an hour. I've been trying to get ahold of you but maybe you took Stewart for a walk and forgot your phone. Sorry I'm so late but I couldn't concentrate without you there to keep me grounded. Get ready for a big surprise when I get home. I love you more than life. Later," he said.
He hung up his phone with a smile on his face. Taking a hand from the wheel he patted his pocket before driving a bit faster hoping to ease the pit growing in his stomach.
Yeah, I, I know it's hard to remember, the people we used to be It's even harder to picture that you're not here next to me
He dialed the number again as he turned his car towards the house the two shared. It was hard work getting the FBI to bend the no fraternization rule but because the director was a good friend of Spencer's and saw that their relationship brought no difference in work they were allowed to stay. After they had come out to the team they moved in together having already been in a committed relationship for almost a year.
It was now another two years later and Morgan had special plans for the night. Their three year anniversary. It was the longest relationship either of them had ever been in and that was saying a lot more for Morgan than Reid. Morgan had once been a serial dater, never having a girl or boy for more than a night. Reid had dated in the past but only for short term. Most people were intimidated by his intelligence and often mistook his ramblings as belittlement, which couldn't have been farther from the truth.
You say it's too late to make it, but is it too late to try And in that time that you wasted, all of our bridges burned down I've wasted my nights, you turned out the lights, now I'm paralyzed, still stuck in that time, when we called it love, but even the sun sets in paradise
Morgan pulled into their driveway and saw that the other man's car wasn't where it usually sat. Due to the rain earlier he could tell that he had been there at one point as there was a dry spot where the vehicle had once been. Panic took over as he reached for his gun and slowly exited the car. He didn't know what was wrong but he knew something was.
He opened the door to their house to find all the lights out. Reid was afraid of the dark and would have been waiting up for him in the living room or the office but every room in the house was dark. As Morgan swept the house he neglected to look at the details. If he had he would have seen that the décor was terribly off.
"Spencer!" Morgan called through the house.
He got no reply causing the pit in his stomach to turn into a lead ball. The last room he went to check was their bedroom. As he flicked the light switch on he finally realized something was off. His whole world seemed to crash down around him when he saw the empty drawers and the open closet missing half its contents. He turned in a circle slowly realizing that everything of Reid's was gone. Not just all his things but the things that signified them a couple was missing as well. It took almost every emotional trick he knew to keep himself from breaking down.
He looked around the room again and mentally pointed out things that weren't where they should have been. The picture of them kissing on new years that was on the dresser, the stack of books he kept on his night table, the laptop that was usually on the desk in the corner next to his own, the socks that all had matching pairs but weren't ever worn together, his favorite blanket that never left the bed, even the toothpaste he insisted having because Morgan's tasted like shit. Nothing looked right and as he realized that everything was gone he couldn't hold back the tears.
I'm at a pay phone tryin' to call home, all of my change I spent on you Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong, where are the plans we made for two If happy ever afters did exist, I would still be holding you like this All those fairy tales are full of shit One more fucking love song I'll be sick
He went back through the house and noted everything else that was missing. For a moment he thought the puppy that had gotten a few months ago wouldn't be there but Morgan found him curled up on an old blanket in the corner of the kitchen. It wasn't the blanket they'd bought for him and after closer inspection the tag on the collar had been changed as well. Instead of stating both of their names had been changed to only Morgan's name.
Morgan couldn't hold back his tears any longer. His lover was gone and there was nothing he could do about it. Reid had not only walked out of the life they shared, but he had erased their life all together. Slowly, Morgan reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out the velvet box. He lifted the lid and fingered the silver band that he was going to give the other man that night. Reid would never know Morgan's intentions and Morgan would never get a chance to tell Reid how much pain he was in.
Oh, you turned your back on tomorrow 'cause you forgot yesterday I gave you my love to borrow, but you just gave it away You can't expect me to be fine, I don't expect you to care I know I said it before, but all of our bridges burned down I've wasted my nights, you turned out the lights, now I'm paralyzed, still stuck in that time, when we called it love, but even the sun sets in paradise
On the kitchen table there was a small box and a note addressed to Morgan. The sorrow had faded and anger had settled in its place. Morgan picked up the note first know really wanting to know what was in the box but expecting it to be the key to their home.
Dear Derek,
I can't explain why I've done what I have but please do the best with what is left of your life. There are no words in any language to describe what I'm feeling right now and I doubt you would believe how much pain I'm in right now. You probably feel that I've left you because I no longer love you. It isn't a true statement, I will always love you with every atom of my being. Everything I am is yours but maybe you should do your best to forget that, and me. I can't come back from where I am now. I wish this could have been different but I will soon be someone you would never want to know. I pray that you are angry with me right now. Having you sad would hurt worse because that would mean I'm too important to you. Tomorrow you will wake up and it will hit you, it will hit everyone because none of you will ever know me again. No, Derek I haven't killed myself. Well not physically. I'm still alive. You will never know how much I wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. Please forget about me. It shatters me into microscopic pieces to ask you to do that because I know there will never be another for me but you must move on and erase me. I have removed almost every part of me from our home. If I were heartless I would have taken Stewart as well but I know how incomplete you are without an animal so I left him for you. Keep him or give him away as you seem fit, I relinquish my parental rights to him and give you full custody.
I love you Derek Morgan, so much. More than I could ever love any other being that ever has or will live. You are my number one, my best friend, my lover, which is why I must leave. If I could safely tell you why I would, but it's in everyone's best interest that I disappear, for good. No one else knows where I am or where I will be. Garcia will not be able to find me I know her well enough to know how to go undetected. Keep healthy, be safe, and love again Derek. I'm not worth whatever sorrows or pain I may have caused. Just be angry then forget and find someone who makes the day a little bit brighter, makes the heartache nothing, someone that will love you as much as I have.
With all my love and self
Spencer Reid.
Derek didn't know how to take the note. He read it twelve times before he finally had it memorized and after that it didn't matter that the tears blurred his vision so much he couldn't see anything other than wet blurs. The paper was still wet from the tears Spencer had cried onto them as he wrote. There were some spots where the ink had bled from being cried upon and Derek knew he would never forget those dark blobs. They told Derek more than any word Spencer could have written. The tears told him that Spencer meant every word of the letter. Spencer really loved him and even though he hoped Spencer might find another, he knew neither of them would settle for anyone but each other.
His hand hovered over the box on the table. After he shut his eyes tightly he pulled the lid off. He felt around inside but couldn't identify the object. It definitely wasn't the house key so he cracked one eye open. Inside was a gold band much like the one Morgan had left on the kitchen counter. Inside was an inscription of a single word that made him want to vomit.
Forever.
I'm at a pay phone tryin' to call home, all of my change I spent on you
Spencer stood in his new apartment begging his legs not to give out on him. He clutched a picture to his chest as he looked at the barren space. This place would never be his home. It would just be the place he resided until he moved to the next. If he could have, he would have gone back to Derek, back to his home. Because everyone always said home is where the heart is and he'd left his heart with Derek.
It didn't take long for him to get the place set up. On the trip to the new shelter he had thought about throwing away or burning everything he had taken but to erase Derek would be the death of him. Derek could be mad and move on but Spencer had no reason to be mad and knew he would never love another person anywhere near as much as he loved Morgan.
After Spencer's mother died Morgan had been there to pick up the pieces and because of his dedication Spencer was willing to give up everything to spend the rest of their lives together. But circumstances had changed and he would never see any of them again. It wasn't what he wanted but it would protect his lover and as long as he was safe nothing else mattered
Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong, where are the plans we made for two
Nothing felt right as his new self. He was lonely but it was something he was getting used to. Every day he woke up and had to tell himself not to cry and not to end his life. There were people in the world who had it worse than him and still managed to get out of bed in the mornings. That's what he told himself even as he fought to pull himself from his own bed.
No longer was there a Spencer Reid. In order to disappear he'd changed his name. There was no way he could ever give Derek up so he'd taken his last name. Instead of Spencer Reid he was now Reid Morgan. It took some getting used to but he managed. The pain he felt everyday never lessened because he made sure to remind himself of what he gave up. If he had stayed he would have taken the last name, maybe they would be happy with children playing in the yard they'd fenced in for Stewart.
Tears threatened his eyes as he looked at the pictures around his living space. They were collecting dust but after years of being in the same place he hadn't expected anything less. Years, it had been almost three since he'd left. Three years had passed and still the pain was as fresh as if it had been just the day before, the love hadn't lessened either.
If happy ever afters did exist, I would still be holding you like this And all those fairy tales are full of One more fucking love song I'll be sick Now I'm at a pay phone
Reid knew he shouldn't have gone but he couldn't stay away. He needed to see that Derek was still alive and that he was happy. What he saw nearly ended his life but it was what he wanted to happen.
Derek was in the park where they used to walk Stewart together. His arm was wrapped around a beautiful woman as they walked to now full grown Great Pyrenees. What hurt the most was the sound of his laughter. It sounded jovial and perfectly happy. Maybe he'd been kidding himself when he told himself he could handle whatever he saw. Actually he knew it but that hadn't stopped him from getting on the plane and checking on his now ex-lover.
Four years was a long time and Reid knew that Morgan wouldn't be alone forever. He'd fooled himself into thinking Derek wouldn't forget him. Needing to be closer, Reid followed a few feet behind them. As he heard their conversation tears welled in his eyes but he had enough strength to hold them back. The wind blew and he caught Derek's cologne in it. It was the scent Spencer had bought for him on their first Christmas. He took it as a sign that maybe, just maybe, there was still a part of Derek that refused to give Spencer up.
Man fuck that shit I'll be out spending all this money while you're sittin' round wondering why it wasn't you who came up from nothin'
Derek didn't want to start over but he knew he had to. Everyone had noticed him slipping away from everything but no one could do anything about it. Garcia did her best trying to find him but she knew that Spencer would know how to avoid her no matter how near or far away he was. She wished that Spencer would just come back or that someone would give them the answer as to why he left in the first place. They all knew they would never know, just like they knew they would never see him again but that didn't stop them from missing him and wondering what made him leave.
Made it from the bottom now when you see me I'm stuntin' And all of my cars start with a push of a button Telling me I changed since I blew up or whatever you call it
The gold band sat on the dresser in a glass case alongside the silver band. The note was tucked away in the safe beside the bed and he read it almost every night even though he'd had it committed to memory. They were the last things he had the connected him to Spencer and he couldn't stand to let them go.
He knew they all noticed him change but what did the honestly expect from him. The person he planned on spending the rest of his life with had left so suddenly leaving almost no traces of himself. He was bound to change after having the carpet ripped out from under him.
"Garcia please we have to find him. I'm dying," Derek pleaded desperately with the technical analyst.
It hadn't been long since Spencer left but it hurt him so deeply that even just a thought of him left his chest tearing open. He'd have to stop doing whatever he was doing and physically hold himself together. Without Spencer he was torn apart and without the glue he had to do his best to keep all the pieces together. It was proving to be an impossible task as he realized the most important piece of him was missing with his lost lover. He no longer had his heart. It didn't take him long to realize it, it didn't take anyone lone to realize it. But what could they do.
"I'm trying baby. Spencer's smart though Derek and if he doesn't want to be found then he won't be. Maybe you should just try and get over him," Garcia said gently.
"I can't! Why doesn't anyone understand this! He was my everything Penelope. I was going to ask him to marry me for fucks sake! It took me three damn years to realize that I needed him in my life, another year to fall in love with him and then three fucking years to ask him to be my boyfriend. That's seven years I wasted being stupid and hesitant. Then another year to tell him I loved him and two more after that to get the courage to marry him. And I get home, to our home, on the day I planned to propose and find out he's erased himself from my life leaving me nothing! I can't just get over that! No one would be able to get over that!" Morgan exploded as tears fell like torrents from his eyes.
Switch the number to my phone so you never could call it Don't need my name on my shirt, you can tell that I'm ballin Swish, what a shame could of got picked
Reid had kept Spencer's phone active and saved all the voicemails Derek had ever left him. It was too hard to get rid of them and he feared he would forget Derek's voice. There was no need for another phone, there was no one to call him. He had kept the phone shut off at all times so Garcia couldn't track it and used the internet to check the mail for the phone. But Derek hadn't called him in years. He figured it was for the best, after all Derek was supposed to be moving on with his life. Even if Reid was stuck in the past reliving every memory like a movie every day.
He thought about changing his last name after seeing that Morgan had moved on but knew he couldn't. The broken heart beating in his chest would surly stop if he wasn't Morgan's any longer. Even if Derek would never know, Spencer and Reid would always belong only to him. That alone was what kept him alive every day and allowed him to get out of bed.
Had a really good game but you missed your last shot, so you talk about who you see at the top or what you could of saw but sad to say it's over for Phantom pulled up valet open doors Wished I'd go away got what you was lookin for
Derek's heart froze as he walked their dog in the park. He stopped quickly jerking his arm free and turned quickly. Spencer was there, he knew it just by the smell. A distinct mix of coconut shampoo and the cologne Derek always loved. Tears filled his eyes as he jogged back the way they had come searching frantically. Stewart barked fervently as he tried to keep up with his owner.
His phone was out and the number dialed before he even knew what he was doing. Garcia picked up on the other end of the line and Derek couldn't keep the tars from falling or the hope in his voice.
"He's here Garcia. I need you to find him. Check every camera in a fifty mile radius of the park," Derek pleaded.
"Derek we've done this before. It's been four years you need to let him go," she tried.
"Please!" his voice broke.
"And what are you going to do if it is him? Are you going to leave Whitney? Are you going to find him and beg him to come back when you're in a relationship. Spencer left, Derek, you need to realize that whatever he felt was a lie. I'm sorry but I'm not doing this again. Whitney is an amazing girl and doesn't deserve to have her heart broken because you thought you saw him. I can't play this game anymore babe, I'm sorry. There hasn't been a single trace of him in four years, for all we know he's dead right now and I'm not going to sit around and watch you drag yourself through hell again because honestly I might just kill myself if you fall back when you've taken so many steps forward," Garcia said.
There was no point in arguing so he hung up. Whitney finally caught up to him and pulled him into a hug. She hadn't known what happened in the past but she knew he went through something life shattering and that he was still recovering from it.
Now it's me who they want so you can go and take that little piece of shit with you
Reid opened the web browser to check Spencer's email. He hadn't looked at it in a while and it took him a while to sort through all the junk mail. Derek had convinced him to get an email address and Spencer couldn't ever tell Derek no. most of the mail was from years ago, his old family pleading for him to return or trying to figure out why he was gone. Seeing a new letter from only hours before shocked him. Dread filled him as he opened the document.
Spencer,
He knows you were there, I know you were there. He is happy now and you need to let him be. You were the one that left him, the one that broke his heart. That means you have no right to check up on him any longer. He's finally smiling and laughing again and I will not let you ruin him again. Derek was so madly in love with you we all thought he might kill himself because you left. Do you know how scary it was for all of us? He wouldn't let us in so every morning we prayed he'd show up at work so we knew he was still alive. I don't know why you did what you did and I'd like to think you had a good reason to do it but his heart is finally mending. If you ever loved him at all you'd let him be happy. Please just leave him alone. He at least deserves that.
This was a long shot but I had to give it a try. Although I wish you never to return I do pray for you. I pray that you are safe and alive. Maybe if you could explain what happened I'd be able to decide if it was worth all the heartache he went through. Please, Spencer if you're reading this, send me something back. If you don't want him to know then I'll keep it to myself but at least give me the peace of mind and courtesy of knowing if not where you are that you are happy or at least alive.
Happiness and good tidings
Penelope Garcia.
Reid wrote her back because she did deserve to know he was alive. He purposely left out whether or not he was happy hoping she would realize that he was miserable and barely hanging on to whatever it was he had. The paper below his pen quickly was soaked with tears and he thought about starting over so she wouldn't figure that he still cried over it. Hopefully she would take them as tears of joy because he tried to convey that through his writing.
Penny,
I am alive. I'm sorry to have upset both Derek and yourself by showing up. I just needed to see him again. If I knew how to tell you why I left I would but over the years words have lost their meaning and I honestly don't know which to use anymore. Please keep this between us. You're right in believing that I have no right back into his life and it gladdens me to know he has happiness. That is all I ever wished for all of you. I won't tell you where I am because I can't have anyone finding me. it was a mistake to get caught visiting but I was so taken over with emotion I forgot to stay out of sight. Maybe you won't believe this but over the years it has become quite easy to not exist. When I first left it was hard but now it's so second nature I can do it without even paying attention to it.
With love and prayers of happiness
Re Spencer.
He sent the letter expecting it to be the last time he ever contacted any of them ever again. When his tears dried and he could see straight again he drove to the next state and mailed the latter.
Yeah, I'm at a pay phone tryin' to call home, all of my change I spent on you Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong, where are the plans we made for two
Reid debated with himself on what to do. He could easily delete the message and send it into oblivion or he could open it and see what she had to say to him. It didn't take long for him to decide to open it. If he were a stronger man he would have just hit delete but when it came to his family he could never ignore them even if they didn't know he still considered them his family.
Spencer,
I was wrong to lie to you in my lase email. I told you he was happy but it was a lie. Sure he laughed but he never meant it, it was fake and lifeless. The smiles he gave never reached his eyes. You know that twinkle he used to have every time he smiled, I haven't seen it since you left. The last time I wrote you I was angry that you left because I assumed it was your choice to leave. Upon reading your letter to me I see that is not true at all. The letter you sent me is not the kind a living man would send. It told me that you are not really living. Neither is Derek. So I think I should tell you something. Take this however you want but it is part of the reason why Derek will never be happy without you or able to move on.
The day you left was the day he'd planned to propose to you. We'd spent months going around to different shops trying to find the perfect ring for you. I'd never seen anyone as happy as Derek was when we went to pick up the ring. Then when he got home and you were gone, no not even gone, it was like you hadn't ever existed at all. He felt like his life was gone. Hell let's be honest here, his life is gone. He's not the Derek Morgan he used to be, he's not even a shell of Derek. If anything he's a ghost. But I understand why. You are his life Spencer and without you he no longer knows how to be alive. So just as you are merely existing he is as well.
Please come home. I need you. You are the only thing that held him together and he will never be whole without you because you hold the most important piece of him. You've still got his heart.
Please save him
Garcia.
He wanted to throw up upon reading the email. It couldn't be true. Derek had to have moved on because that's what was supposed to happen. Derek was supposed to find someone else, someone better, fall in love, and then start the family he always wanted.
Tears fell again as Reid wrote to Penelope.
Garcia,
It's been almost five years Garcia he doesn't want me anymore. You were correct though. I'm not living merely existing in a world that I no longer want to be a part of. You claim that I still hold Derek's heart but I can't believe that. He will forever own mine and every piece of me, which is why I cannot live without him. If he is not by my side then there is nothing left of me. He was everything I was and without him I am nothing. Now I've accepted this fact and knew it to be the truth before I left so please don't take it as a confession to end my life. I've grown quite used to being nothing and feeling nothing but an aching where my heart should be. Please believe me when I tell you that even with the time and distance I still love him as much as I did before I left. Also, not that it makes a difference now, I was willing to marry him. I left him a ring I had chosen for him and it was meant as a commitment to him even if he never knew it. Forever I am his. It was true the day I chose it and is still true today.
I'm sorry I cannot offer you anything else. I have no home any longer. Surly Derek would never accept me back after what I've done to us. Please look after him for me. This will probably be the last time I contact anyone again. I will be around every now and then but please don't look for me. There is just too much pain to keep contacting you and I love him too much to not check up on him. If ever we meet again I will not answer to Spencer. I am not longer Spencer and no longer have any rights to his life. Be safe and happy Penny, I send all my love and wishes of the best to all of you, and even though I believe in no god I pray for all of you.
Love forever and never again,
Spencer.
If happy ever afters did exist, I would still be holding you like this And all these fairy tales are full of shit Yeah, one more fucking love song I'll be sick
"Derek I need you to look me in the eyes right now and tell me with all the honesty you can muster how you feel about Spencer. Don't ask me why and don't get off topic. Just let it all out and I promise this will be the end. You need to get it out," Garcia said sitting the man down on her couch.
She saw the tears fall from his eyes and knew he was still in love with his genius. But she wanted to hear the words, needed to hear them before either of them could move to the next step.
"I wake up every morning and expect him to be lying in bed beside me. Then when I realize he's not there, and hasn't been there I have to fight the tears and still try to start the day. I know it's been a long time but there hasn't been a single day that my heart didn't break all over again because he's not by my side. It's pathetic but if he came back I would take him back in a second because he's the only one I'll ever be able to love and no matter what happened I'd never be able to give that up. He was my world, Garci. He was everything I am because without him I am nothing. I'm not living without him. The closest I can compare it to is existing and I hate that. I want to feel alive, I want to live but I can't do that without him. Go ahead tell me I'm pathetic but I don't care. There will never be anyone else. If it's not him then it will be no one and I'm completely ok being alone for the rest of my life," Derek told.
"Then we're going to get him. I found him and he feels the exact same way. I just needed to make sure you wanted him back before I did anything rash. Pack your bag for a few days. We're going to get him," Garcia said with a smile.
Penelope watched Derek's reaction. He seemed too shocked to know what to do.
Derek knew Garcia wouldn't lie about Spencer but he still couldn't get himself to move. He wanted Spencer back but what if they could never have what the once did. Spencer had abandoned him after all and he knew that it would always be in the back of his mind. Maybe he'd made a rash decision and really didn't need Spencer to live again.
Closing his eyes Derek tried to imagine the rest of his life. A few years ago he never would have been able to imagine it without Spencer but sitting with Garcia he was sure he could. There would be no joy in his life but he wouldn't have to worry about being left again. It seemed the safer route and he was willing to entertain the idea before jumping up and finding his lost lover. When Garcia placed her hand over his he snapped from his thoughts.
"I can't," he said.
"But you just," she started.
Derek shook his head. He wanted Spencer back so badly. It didn't stop him from hesitating and until he knew why Spencer left he could never have the other man.
Now I'm at a pay phone
Derek picked the phone up on the third ring like he always did. Reid was not surprised but the tone had surprised him. His ex-lover sounded defeated and gone.
"Hello," Derek spoke.
"I'm not sure if you want to speak to me but please don't hang up before I can explain myself," Spencer said.
"Two minutes," was all he said.
"I never wanted to leave. I can't tell you why but I was forced out of your life, of my own life. They told me that I had to leave because you deserved a woman who could give you everything I would never be able to give. So I left. They got in my head and told me the terrible things they would do to us if I didn't leave. But the time is up and we proved our love is strong. I wish I could tell you more but that's all I'm willing to tell as to not ruin anything further."
"I was going to propose to you Spencer and you were gone. Not just you, everything was gone! How are we supposed to recreate all that?"
"I kept it. At first I had it around the living space but it was too hard to look at so I packed it up. If I could have I would have sent it back but I wasn't allowed to. This had to be done so we could be happy. Please believe that I never wanted to leave," Spencer explained then paused before speaking again, "I was going to say yes."
"Where are you?"
"It doesn't matter. I'm nowhere without you."
"Then come home because I'd rather be living with you than existing without you."
That was all either of them needed to hear. It would take time for them to mend everything that had been broken but they were willing to try. If they could get through five years without each other and still love each other like no time had passed at all then maybe they could make it.
As always, I don't own anything. The characters belong to the CM people, and the song belongs to maroon 5. Sigh, oh well hope you enjoyed.