Author's Note: Okay, this is more 'darker' Evangelion Fanfiction, I don't know why I wrote this, but the idea cam eto me so I just ran with it. I've always wanted my shot at writing a 'normal' Rei Ayanami, so she's unbelievably Out Of Character, of course. This entire story sort of wrote itself out, I just picked the song. I hope you all like it.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything. All rights to Neon Genesis Evangelion are copyrighted to and by Gainax Ltd and it's affiliates. Nor do I own any rights or privileges to the song lyrics that accompany this work. Those belong to the band "Assemblage 23", titled, "Fallen Down". All material belongs with the release of the publicized album "Defiance".
You are nothing..
Existence is fleeting..
Cold.. Dark.. Death.. Hate..
Fear..
"Be quiet, be quiet. shut up!" Shinji Ikari screamed, his voice reverberating off the padded four walled prison he had come to know as home, the dim, flickering light echoing the sentiments in his fevered mind that flashed in front of his eyes and scored visions of terror into his retinas.
I've seen this face before,
it somehow looks familiar.
Tattered and weather worn.
A sad, pathetic creature.
"Please stop.." He whimpered as he fell to his knees, his head held within the palms of his hands, before arching his back and screaming once more, incoherently at the top of his lungs.
The familiar bang of the doors opening to his room resounded in his ears so loudly he thought his eardrums might burst with the sheer force.
And once you stood so strong.
Your eyes alight with promise.
You vowed to carry on,
a heart once beat in your chest.
Suddenly hands were touching him, gripping him around the middle and rolling him onto his stomach, forcing him down, smothering him, a remote part of his mind registered that it was only the doctors, doing what they had been assigned to do the moment he had admitted himself.
Cut forward to another day.
another time, another place.
You're not who you used to be,
and I wonder why.
Shinji kicked out blindly, wrenching his left hand free from an iron grasp and swinging, feeling his knuckles connecting with the side of someones head, the grunts and gasps falling deaf to his ears before he felt the familiar prick on the side of his neck, the hiss of a plunger and the beauty of oblivion as his vision faded and the endearing grasp of darkness overwhelmed both his body and his senses, leaving him mute to the pressure of his caregivers rolling him back into a corner and the cold steel of buckles against his flesh as they strapped him down.
I knew you once,
when you were young.
Before you knew,
what you'd become.
But that was then, and this is now.
You've lost your way.
You've fallen down.
"Shinji Ikari, please." The woman stated, she couldn't have been more than twenty-two years old, standing tall and calm in front of the Visitors Desk with azure tinted locks and pale skin, as smooth and translucent as moonlight.
"Back again, Rei?" Sakura Yaminaga, the receptionist asked, smiling softly as her auburn curls bounced at her shoulders, when she reached for her clipboard.
She had known Rei Ayanami for about a year, and thought her the most fascinating being she had ever met, always calm and collected, with blue hair as bright as the sky and the softest of voices. However it was always her eyes she had enjoyed gazing into, and had, ever since Shinji Ikari had omitted himself into the Psychiatric Ward.
You can't just walk away.
You can't choose to ignore me.
I stand in front of you.
A stranger stands before me.
Bright crimson pools, depth less and glittering, mirroring everything she set her hues upon, and yet, with the tinge of sadness that Sakura had never seen beholding any others eyes, they frightened her.
"Yes, I-I just want to see if he's doing better.."Rei murmured, clasping her hands behind her back.
Sakura simply nodded, Rei Ayanami had come everyday, for hours, religiously, to see Shinji Ikari. She herself, had never seen the young man that seem to be the center of Rei's world, but had heard from the doctors that they had to 'visit' him, nearly every night. She certainly didn't envy Shinji Ikari for that.
What happened to the boy,
head filled with aspirations.
His dreams within his reach
his life a celebration?
"Here you go, Ayanami-san." Sakura held out a plain red laminated badge, Rei Ayanami's name printed on the plastic card. She could feel the cool touch of Rei's fingers as they rubbed against hers a she took the card.
"Thank you." She stated, before turning, clipping the badge onto her white silken shirt and walking down the hallway toward Shinji's room, however, her steps falteered as she did, biting her lip softly. She had always come to see Shinji, since the first day he had told her what he planned to do, and each visit had hurt her, hurt her in the way that only Shinji Ikari could, for if it hadn't been for him, she would never even have known 'hurt'. He had reached into the dark recesses of her 'life' and dragged her out into the light. Through the long years of fighting the Angels, and cut the puppet strings of the long dead NERV, SEELE, and Gendo Ikari, his own father.
Cut forward to another day,
another time, another place.
You're not who you used to be,
and I wonder why.
She owed Shinji her life, more.
"Ayanami-san!" A voice cried out, jarring her from her thoughts. Turning her noted Shinji's psychiatrist, Doctor Yinata, hurrying down the hall.
She was a slim woman, dainty but austere with long black hair and the trademark white coat hiding a curved figure beneath, her bright blue eyes stern as she came face-to-face with Rei.
"You know it's against policy to see patients without.. Supervision." She stated delicately, her voice gentle but stern.
"I am sorry." Rei stated, gesturing toward the doors. "I just.." She trailed off awkwardly.
"I know, Rei." Dr. Yinata stated, reaching out and placing a comforting hand on her shoulder, before removing a set of keys from her belt and unlocking the door, the faint click barely noted to Rei's senses as her dark red orbs gazed at the doors.
"Are you ready?" She asked, gently pushing as Rei nodded, she could see the smaller females fingers curl into pale fists.
I knew you once,
when you were young.
Before you knew,
what you'd become.
But that was then, and this is now.
You've lost your way.
You've fallen down.
Shinji Ikari lay in the far left hand corner, his eyes closed and his breathing steady, his chest rising and falling beneath layers of cloth and metal buckles, a crease in brow as he slept.
"They had to.. Sedate him.. Last night." Yinata intoned, inwardly wincing.
"Oh." Rei stated evenly.
Slowly the doctor approached Shinji, before reaching out with a hand and gently shaking him.
"Shinji? Shinji Ikari?" She whispered gently.
The effect was immediate, and sudden, Shinji's eyes flew open as his body instinctively bucked, twisting away from the tender touch.
Rei watched with a contracting heart as Shinji slowly came to terms with his surroundings, his eyes flickering across the expanse of the room before settling on her. The dark chocolate gaze causing a tingle to run up her spine, and a shiver through her body as Shinji's voice, rough and slurred filled the room.
"Rei.."
And now there's nothing left.
Your face a pale reflection,
with only emptiness.
You've lost your life's direction.
"Shinji." Rei murmued.
Before she was aware she had even moved she was kneeling in front of him, her arms wrapped tightly around his constrained body, tighter than the metal belts holding him down.
Ayanami..Yinata thought sadly, she had been Shinji Ikari's psychiatrist after he had attacked three others, putting two in the hospital. Yet he had never laid a hand on her, and she was glad of it, she had also known Rei just as quickly, as she obstinately came to visit the young man. She knew how painful it must be for Rei, seeing Shinji day in and day out like this, she liked Shinji Ikari, a lot. In his more lucid moments he was positively charming, they often talked about things, irrelevant or important, it didn't matter, only that they talked.
Yinata watched the two a moment before walking over and leaning down, taking out a set of keys and lightly unbuckling Shinji's straight jacket, tossing it aside and watching Shinji as he raised to his feet and slowly walked around the room, his eyes heavily lidded, his gait stilted.
What happened to the man,
who couldn't be deafted.
Who always stood his ground,
when lesser men retreated.
Unfortunately, the slight peace was shattered as Shinji went rigid, his entire body trembling as his eyes rolled back into his head, a scream passing his lips. Yinata
yelped and immediately pushed a small white button on the wall, calling the other doctors, she had often seen Ikari have episodes, going from fluid to crazed in a matter of moments. Her only regret was that Ayanami was her to witness it, standing stock still with a look of pain on her face in the middle of the room.
Two doctors burst into the room, one with the standard straight jacket gripped in one hand, the second with a hypodermic needle gripped tightly in the fingers of his left hand, heading straight for the screaming Shinji Ikari.
Cut forward to another day,
another time, another place.
You're not who you used to be,
and I wonder why.
They would have undoubtedly pinned and sedated him if Yinada had not screamed for them to stop, both of them freezing with slight hesitation, Yinata, however ignore them, and watched with amazed eyes as Rei walked over to Shinji, who's screams had faded to whimpers, gripping his head as if to rip his skull in front, kneel down and gently take his head in her heads and tilted his head down, level with her and simply gazed into his eyes pleadingly, her finger tips stroking the sides of his face.
"Shinji, it's okay, it's me.. Everythings going to be all right.." Rei whispered the words over and over, cradling Shinji to her as if he wore made of glass, and perhaps, thought Yinata, he would break at any moment.
She then witnessed something she never had, countless she had tried to bring Shinji back from his states of delirium, and failed, each time.
But as she watched Rei lay Shinji's head down in her lap, his voice, silent and his eyes slowly clearing from the dense fog of confusion that had marred them, and the gentle touch of Rei's finger tips as she caressed the side of Shinji's head, she thought she knew why she had failed, and Rei succeeded.
A single word rose up inside of her as she saw bright tears of pearl splash down Rei Ayanami's cheeks and fall silently, damp, into Shinji's unkempt hair.
Love.
I knew you once,
when you were young.
Before you knew,
what you'd become.
But that was then, and this is now.
You've lost your way.
You've fallen down.