It's in the stars It's been written in the scars on our hearts That we're not broken, just bent And we can learn to love again — Just Give Me a Reason, P!nk
Remus sighed as he put his hands on Sirius's shoulder and slowly guided the trembling man towards the abandoned bed in their shared room. Remus had arrived a few hours earlier, a little close to midnight from another Order patrol when he saw Sirius on their bed feigning sleep trying so hard to control the sobs wracking through his body.
Remus already knew the reason why even before he could ask, he had seen it coming ever since the dark force went out of control and the Order's work started eating their lives..and his lycanthropy started to become a matter of trust issue. He knew his relationship with Sirius is slowly falling apart and not even his knowledge of that could stop it from happening. Sirius is a kind soul..a little too trusting if you ask Remus, but he'd always thought that it was because he was a little pessimistic himself, so he wasn't really surprised when Sirius finally broke down when he asked him what's wrong.
'Rem, I don't know anymore. Nothing's going on the way they should be, everything's a mess and I don't know who to trust anymore..I don't even know if I could still trust you.' Sirius whimpered out the last part jumping out of the bed walking to the window and looked at the empty street in front of him trying to avoid Remus's eyes. Remus knew that Sirius doesn't want to hurt him and it was probably the only reason why he wasn't seeing the infamous 'Sirius tantrum' right now..but he'd done it anyway. He'd hurt him already. As much as Remus knew Sirius's tendencies to say unwarranted things when upset, he couldn't help but be affected by his words, not when the pressure from his work and his anxiety of the war is taking a toll on him already without his monthly transformations and Sirius's doubts to add on it. He felt like a mad person worrying about his friend's safety every single fucking day..worrying about not seeing Sirius when he went home in the middle of the night..seeing him lying on the floor..
Remus shook his head trying to erase the horrible images forming on his mind. He gathered his thoughts and calmed his nerves. He needed to reassure Sirius that nothing's changed between the two of them. That he still loved him and that he would never betray his trust for anything in the world. He knew that Sirius wasn't being selfish for demanding things from him..for doubting him, no matter how painful it may be. Sirius was worried about him and their friends as well, Remus knew it. Add the fact that Sirius went a little mad every time they had an encounter with Death Eaters in fear that he may kill his very own baby brother in the process. This constant state of paranoia went unnoticed by everyone. Only Remus saw the tension on his lover's body, the trembling and the sweat that covered his body while casting hexes towards the Death Eaters. Only Remus had the access to Sirius's greatest fear and undying love for his brother. And he failed to do anything to ease Sirius's pain.
'Sirius, I'm sorry I haven't been paying attention to you lately,' Sirius looked at him incredulously for implying that he was some sort of pet deprived of his master's attention but Remus smiled at him his gentle smile and softly shot him a look that says 'you know you do' and shrugged before continuing.
'Our lives have never been this messy before, Siri, not when I was hiding my lycanthropy to you guys, not when you've discovered it and I thought that you would hate me forever and I thought I could never survive a day under your disgusted stares..Not even when you've snapped and ran away from home, nor when Regulus joined the Death Eaters, not even when you've been blasted off the tapestry. Not even when your Uncle Alphard died..or when our parents..' Remus trailed off remembering his parents and how much he wished for their company right now but he shrugged it off and looked back at Sirius's red-rimmed eyes which, thankfully, has stopped producing tears.
'What I'm saying is, this is the point in our lives wherein we should stay together and become much stronger than we've ever had. I know it's hard but that's why we have each other, right? Because without each other, we wouldn't even last a day with this hell we are experiencing now.' Remus grimaced slightly, feeling funny and pathetic for feeling comforted by his own words. He felt like he was saying this little speech more to himself than to Sirius. They've been consumed by the war that they've neglected what is the most important in their lives in their frantic need to keep each other out of harm's way, they've drifted apart while doing so.
'Remus, I'm..' Sirius's voice broke and Remus hugged him suddenly, both of them falling completely on the bed. Remus buried his face on Sirius's neck and he tangled his fingers on Sirius's long ebony hair. 'I know, Siri, I'm sorry too. I won't hurt you again, trust me.' Remus said the last two words boring his amber colored eyes to Sirius speaking lengths of unvoiced promises and the feelings they both knew constitutes the very essence of their existence.
'I love you, Remus.' Sirius reached for Remus, bringing their faces closer as he threaded his fingers on the honey brown locks that gracefully fell in front of him and he kissed Remus slowly but with so much passion he'd held for so long answering Remus's promises with his own and letting his feeling through the kiss.
'I know,I love you too Sirius, more than you could ever imagine.'
It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars on our hearts That we're not broken, just bent and we can learn to love again.