Title: Oblivious
Pairing: James/Sirius
Summary: James and Sirius remember all the things they wish they could forget. SLASH.
Male/Male relationship-YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!
Oblivious-1: lacking remembrance, memory, or mindful attention
"Is your hair always this stubborn?" Lily's mother asked as she picked at James's hair.
He was getting married. Stupid, big headed James was finally getting married. Growing up, moving on.
"Shite women! Get your hands off me!" James yelped as Lily's mother tugged on a particularly stubborn lock of hair. "Sirius stop her!" James shouted over at him. Sirius snorted, and crossed his arms over his chest. "Let the lady do your hair Prongs, Honestly." Sirius said as he smiled over at his friend.
James sighed and sat down, giving up.
"God boy." Lily's mother said.
"Sirius where are you?" James hissed looking about the Quidditch pitch. "Sirius? Sirius are you out here?" James asked squinting as her tried to spot his dark headed friend. James turned around just as a large, bear looking dog pounced in front of him.
"Fucking bastard…" James whispered looking down at the beast. "Sirius?" James asked. The Dog barked and bent forward wagging his tail. "You did it! You finally fucking did it! Just wait until Moony hears, you just wait he'll piss himself!"
The dog barked again and launched himself at the teen, knocking him flat on his back. James huffed, trying to get air into his lungs, as the dog placed his large paws over James's chest.
"Sirius, even as a dog you're a complete arse…" James choked out. Sirius barked and leaned down to lick James's nose.
James froze and pushed himself onto his elbows, looking into the dark eyes of his best friend. "That was just a friendly hello er, right?" James asked.
The dog made a low whining noise and before James could say another word, Sirius Black appeared.
A messy haired Sirius Black.
Who happened to be sitting in his best friends lap.
"Ah, yeah, sorry about that…the dog's instincts…you know..." Sirius muttered. James looked away crumpling the hair in the back of his head. "Yeah, Sirius, I know…I mean...it wasn't like it was a kiss…Dogs don't kiss."
"Yeah."
Sirius stood up and held out a hand for James.
"We should go and tell Moony then…I mean I bet he'd love to know. " Sirius said.
"Yeah, let's go then."
James turned back and looked at Sirius with a sort of stupid smile on his face.
"Sirius?" James asked.
Sirius turned and looked at him. "What?"
"…Sirius! Are you deaf you bleeding moron!?" James snapped angrily.
Sirius shook his head and looked at James as his heart beat a million miles per hour. "Where's….?" he said shaking as his looked about the room.
"She left to go and help Lily. You were right there Padfoot, Sheesh." James said carefully tying the bow around his neck.
"I don't think I'm ever going to get this right, I can't tie worth shite.." James muttered as he dropped his hands in defeat. Sirius snorted and walked over to the slightly shorter man. "You truly are an idiot Prongs." He mumbled.
"Well, shut up and get on with it. I have a room full of people waiting." James said. Sirius rolled his eyes and carefully grabbed the two pieces of ribbon, bringing them together, and then twining them in a bow like fashion.
"You do this a lot then?" James said looking up at Sirius slightly. Sirius looked at James, stiffening, realizing their sudden closeness. "Tie bows? I hardly make a habit of it. I just know how to tie things…like shoes." Sirius smirked and lowered his hands taking one step away from the soon to be married marauder.
James looked into the mirror and then glanced at Sirius. "Am I ready?"
Sirius looked up and saw his best friend.
He looked frightened.
He looked Nervous.
But yet he had never looked this way in the entire time Sirius had known him.
"I can't tell you Pr…James…I mean, come on, It's lily! The girl you've dreamed of sense you were thirteen years old! Of course you are!" Sirius said slapping James on the shoulder. James half smiled and looked up at him.
"You sound so sure." James muttered.
Sirius raised a brow, "Oh come off it James, you've wanted this day forever, don't let your doubts ruin it for you."
"What about you Sirius, have you waited for this day?"
"I'm not the one getting married, Mate."
"Sirius, just…" James paused, "You know what I mean. After this, I can't…I can't be.."
Sirius's features turned cold. "James just shut up…."
"I can't do that to Lily. I won't betray her like that. Not again."
Sirius walked to the door and laid his hand on it. "This isn't about me Prongs, this is your day, your day, and your decisions. I want only what you want."
James stepped forward as if to stop his friend. "I'll see you in a bit I suppose." Sirius muttered closing the door behind him. James shook his head and looked in the mirror, eyeing his perfectly tied bow.
James watched as Sirius turned and flopped and swung his head from side to side. He was dreaming, James was sure. But these were not dreams at all. But nightmares. Nightmares He could only imagine.
James wasn't sure, but he guessed that they had been going on for quite some time, and Sirius being the stupid git he was, wouldn't tell a soul.
But James knew.
Well at least now he did.
James decided, enough was enough and made his way over to the other boy's bed. "Sirius! Wake up…" James hissed. Sirius groaned and froze, face clenched in pain. James let his hand rest on Sirius's shoulder as he gently shook the other boy. "Sirius wake …" James never finished his sentence because Sirius's eyes snapped open, and he woke with a loud gasp.
"Prongs…Prongs I didn't…" Sirius mumbled looking around the room confused.
"What were you dreaming about?" James asked.
Sirius rubbed his hands over his face and tried hard to remember what the nightmare was about.
"It doesn't matter…" Sirius muttered looking away from his friend. "You were turning and twisting, I think is does matter." James said pushing his glasses up the ridge of his nose. "Just drop it James! Fuck…" Sirius hissed lying down in his bed as he turned his back to him.
"Oh for the love of Merlin Padfoot, if you can't talk about one damn dream, with your bloody best mate..."
"It was about my mum okay? It was about my stupid, pig headed, filthy bitch mother!" Sirius snapped, still not looking at the other boy.
James scratched his nose carefully and said nothing.
"Now you can kindly get off my bed." Sirius mumbled.
James sighed and reached a hand out to touch Sirius's shoulder. "We've been friends for nearly six years, and we can't even talk?" James hissed. Sirius shrugged and gently pushed James away.
"That's what girls are for, you talk to Lily, and I talk to…Moony. He thinks like a girl, in touch with his feelings and what not." Sirius told him.
"Oh come on Sirius, are you telling me, you talk to Remus about your feelings, but not me?"
"Your different Prongs get over it. You'll always be my best mate…Remus is different."
James huffed and stood. "Fine." He turned and looked at Sirius angrily." If you don't want to even talk to your best mate, then why should you even be my best mate?"
"Merlin James… the drama here. Will you just shut it? It's not like you've talked to me before either, and I'm not opening the door here."
"Why?" James asked.
"Because…We're blokes, we're not supposed to talk about things like this together. We're supposed to sit around in our own body fluids and stink."
"We've never done that before…Yeah we've sat around for a good few hours sure, but…"
Sirius shook his head and sat up. "Now I can't fucking sleep, thanks mate."
"Hey, this isn't my fault if you'd just be a normal person and talk to me like you're suppose to, we wouldn't have just had this conversation."
Sirius sighed again and moved over, leaving a clear space for the other Marauder to sit. "Well, sit then, and we'll talk."
James smirked and jumped down onto Sirius's bed, looking at him fondly. "I knew I could convince you. So, out with it. The dream."
Sirius rolled his eyes, and crossed his legs. James realized his friend wore only boxers and a t-shirt to bed. James usually wore a set, but Sirius seemed to think wearing actual Pajamas wasn't necessary.
"My mum's a right old bitch, said and done. I was just thinking about her before I went to bed is all. Honestly."
James raised a brow, "Well, what did your mum do in the dream?"
Sirius looked nervous and he bit his lip. He looked away from the other boy and mumbled something. "What?" James asked.
"She was…she was trying to kill me alright?!" Sirius hissed looking James in the eye.
Sirius looked at him, demanding him, pleading with him, asking him why in gods name was it always like this. Why was his life like this? But James had no answer.
"I hate it there James, I won't stare there any longer…I can't take it…I can't…" Sirius groaned angrily and covered his face with two tan hands. James cautiously lifted his own hands to pull them away. Sirius's eyes looked anywhere but at him, as small, but noticeable paths of tears formed on his cheeks.
"Sirius…"
"God James you're so damn lucky…so damn lucky you don't have to deal with it…" Sirius choked. James sighed and tried to pull Sirius into a hug, but Sirius wouldn't have it.
"No. James don't, just don't. "Sirius mumbled. "Oh come on…."
"Go back to bed James."
Sirius walked the length of the red carpet, up to where Remus and Peter stood nervously in front of the guests. "Sirius, tell me He's nearly ready. He can't honestly take longer than Lily…" Remus whispered.
Sirius smiled and slipped a hand behind Remus carefully, and wrapped it around the smaller man's waist. "Of course he can Moony, he's James Potter after all, isn't he? "
Remus snorted and looked forward, searching for James, who might have been coming down the red carpet. "That's hardly a good reason." Remus said in return.
"The real question is Remus; does James ever have a good reason?"
Remus smiled and turned his face towards him. "No, I suppose he never does."
Sirius smirked and let his hand fall away from him. "No, he doesn't."
James walked carefully down the stairs of the seventh year boy's dorm, invisibility cloak and all, stomach growling along the way.
He scanned the common room as he walked through, spotting only two people snogging on the couch. If James was lucky they would be to busy to hear James leave the common room.
Smiling, with his good luck, James tie toed past the couple.
He approached the door of the common room and heard a familiar voice gasp, "Remus…"
James turned around and nearly tripped when he saw who the couple were.
Sirius and Remus.
Moony and Padfoot.
Snogging like there was no tomorrow on the couch.
Two blokes, snogging like there was no tomorrow on the couch.
James watched as Sirius pushed Remus against the couch, and as Remus went willingly.
James watched as Remus's hands slipped into Sirius's adored locks of black hair, and then traveled to Sirius's back, his lower back and then to his arse, where Remus pulled Sirius down so their groins met.
James heard both boys as they gave groans and moans of approval.
James stood frozen; he made his hands stay at his side, and ignored his blood that had all flooded downwards.
Somehow, James found himself laying on his bed, panting, with his hand shoved inside his boxers. He wasn't gay…he loved Lily…he had shagged Lily…
But a little voice in the back of his head reminded him; he quite liked what he just saw as well.
"There he is." Peter said pointing to James who finally come from his room. Sirius eyed the soon to be married man, as he nervously shuffled down the red rug until he met them on the small platform.
"Took you long enough." Sirius muttered.
"Stuff it would you Sirius? Lily's coming out." Remus hissed.
Sirius watched James as he eyes shot up and landed right on his bride to be. The music began and Lily walked down the aisle towards them. Sirius tried to ignore the burning sensation in his stomach.
But as he watched James twitch and sweat, and gulp, he couldn't help but wonder why he had never made James that nervous. Why he and James weren't together.
"She's lovely isn't she?" Remus whispered letting his hand gently squeeze that of his friends. "She is." Sirius said.
Remus didn't make things any simpler. If anything, Sirius felt worse for wanting James and being with Remus, someone who was caring, loveable and always there at just the right moments.
Sirius walked into the seventh years boy's dorm to find Remus sitting upon his bed, doing school work as usual. "You never have a free moment do you?" Sirius joked sitting down next to the other boy.
Remus snorted and shut his book with a crisp snap.
"Only for you Padfoot." Remus said as he leaned up to place a small affectionate kiss upon Sirius's lips. Sirius smiled and let his fingers comb through Remus's short soft hair. "I'm sure you have homework to do, I just happen to actually do mine." Remus commented opening his book once more.
"I suppose. But I have all week to finish it." Sirius said lying down across Remus's bed.
"Last minute for you again. I hope James doesn't plan to do that as well. With the quidditch match and practice he'll never find time." Remus said as he carefully licked his finger and turned a page.
"He does have time Moony. He spends it snogging and shagging his dear Little Lily." Sirius muttered.
Remus turned and looked back at the other boy. "Did you really have to tell me that? God…now every time I look at her…" Remus shuddered and set his book aside.
"Remus?" Sirius asked as he pulled a string off his black robe.
Remus pushed his book farther away and laid down next to him. "Huh?"
"Do you think James loves Lily?" Sirius mumbled not looking at Remus.
Remus snorted and turned on his side and rested his elbow on the bed and his head in his hand. "I think James always was interested in Lily. It's obvious isn't it?" Remus asked him.
Sirius shrugged. "I suppose. But does he love her?" Sirius turned his head and looked at the other boy. A longer piece of his dark hair fell over his eyes.
Remus smiled and lifted his hand to push the hair away from the sliver eyes. "As of late, yes I think James does love Lily. I really, truly believe he does." Remus told him.
Sirius looked angered and pushed himself into a sitting position. Remus didn't follow his friend. Instead Remus laid down flat on his bed and waited for Sirius to speak.
"He probably does…he does love her." Sirius muttered scratching his head.
Remus sighed and folded his hands behind his head. "I know you love him Padfoot." He whispered.
Sirius turned and glared at Remus. "Oh come off it Remus, I love you!" he spat.
Remus sat up and let his hands cup the taller boys face. "You love James in a different way. In a way I don't think you'll ever love me Sirius. And it's okay." Remus whispered leaning forward to kiss Sirius.
When Remus pulled back he found that Sirius had closed his eyes.
"I don't deserve you Moony." Sirius whispered. "You're too good to me." he added opening his eyes.
Remus smiled and stood up. "Love's not about deserving Sirius."
"Do you reckon James is going to wet himself?" Peter whispered to Remus and Sirius. "I wouldn't doubt it." Remus said to the smaller boy.
The quests seated all over the room watched as Lily made her last step, and finally stood before wedding party. Sirius watched James reach out for Lily's hands, and watched as Lily smiled. A smile that seemed to light the entire room.
It was a blur as James and Lily stood reciting their vows to one another. Once in a while Sirius would feel Remus grab his hand and squeeze. It seemed after all these years, Moony still knew Sirius all too well.
The last word was said between them and the two met in the middle, for the kiss that was the beginning of their new life together.
The room was filled with smiles and sad faces, a good combination of both.
"Is it time to eat?" James asked. The quests laughed and began to exit to the dining room, where the food would be served.
But somehow Sirius found himself sitting in the men's bathroom stall, with the door locked.
"Sirius?" a familiar voice asked. Sirius bit his lip and said nothing lifting his feet up, hoping Remus was too pissed to be clever enough to look under the doors. Sirius heard Remus pull his wand from his robes and murmur a quiet, "Alohomora."
All the stalls opened, including Sirius's.
Sirius glared at Remus who stood in front of his stall smirking. "That was a cheap trick Moony." Sirius said. Remus chuckled and shoved his hands in his pockets. " A very drunken James has been looking for his best mate, so they can dance and be morons together, on this the night of his wedding."
Sirius raised a brow, "What are you? The Mafia?"
"What?" Remus asked.
"Never mind." Sirius said shaking his head.
"Come on Sirius just come out, dance, have a few drinks, and then watch Lily and James stumble away together." Remus said trying not to laugh at his own sense of humor.
"Moony, are you drunk?" Sirius asked.
Remus smiled. "I'm not going to deny that I do feel a bit Tipsy."
"Well at least your honest." he said unfolding his legs. Sirius stood and groaned, as his knees cracked. "That's why I never hide out in Bathroom stalls then…" Sirius muttered.
"Well? Are you going to come and dance with us?" Remus asked taking two steps towards him.
"Moony...I… I can't. It's like admitting I don't care, it's like admitting.."
"Defeat?" Remus asked.
Sirius sighed and rubbed one hand over his face. "Yeah, yeah it is."
"Your not defeated Sirius. You just got second place. Here's your prize!" Remus said throwing open his arms as he smiled happily. Sirius couldn't help but laugh.
"Moony, your not second place prize." Sirius said walking into his friend's arms.
Remus nuzzled the taller Wizards neck. "Just not the first prize you would have picked?" Remus asked pressing a small kiss there as well. Sirius sighed and rested his head atop of Remus's.
"Love has nothing to do with choosing or deserving Remus. Remember?" Sirius whispered wrapping his arms tighter around the smaller wizard.
"Ah, yes, I remember."
"Where's Remus?" James asked as he entered the Gryffindor common room. Sirius turned his head from his Potions book and shrugged. "How would I know?" Sirius asked the other boy.
"I dunno mate, you two are connected at the hip these days." James said setting down his bag as he sat down on the couch next to Sirius.
"Oh shut it Prongs." Sirius mumbled turning the page of his Potions book. "Doing homework? That's not the Padfoot I know." James said smirking. "Listen James are you going to sit there and bother me, or can you go and shag Lily for a few minutes while I actually do my work?"
James glared at his friend. "What's the problem Sirius? Honestly, you're such a damn goody goody now."
"Just because I'm going my work…"
"Before Moony and you started acting like dogs in heat you never did your work!"
"Dogs in heat? At least Remus and I aren't fucking like rabbits!" James's mouth fell open. "Yeah James, everyone knows! I wouldn't be surprised if the whole bloody school knew! If they didn't here it from someone else, they heard it straight from you two!" Sirius snapped.
"What's it to you anyways Sirius?" James asked
"It's nothing to me. I don't care, drop it."
"You act like a fucking girl. Maybe you're just jealous." James huffed.
"Jealous?" Sirius whispered. "JEALOUS?!" Sirius said louder.
"Yeah Padfoot, Jealous that I have someone who I love, and who happens to love me back!" James snapped. "Huh Sirius? Is that it?"
Sirius slammed his book shut and stood up. "Fuck you James." Sirius hissed walking past the other boy. "What Sirius, what will you do?"
Sirius said nothing as he walked up the stairs to their dorm.
James followed , right on Sirius's tail.
"Well, what are you going to do Sirius?" James asked as they entered the room.
Sirius shook his head. "Just drop it Mate. Okay?"
"No not okay you ass!"
Sirius sat down on his bed and let his head fall into his hands. "I am Jealous." Sirius looked up at James. "Okay? Get it? Is that enough for your already huge head? Now why don't you leave and tell every one that I'M the jealous one this time."
James looked taken back and he raised a brow. "Oh well, ah… You know I really wasn't expecting you to say that. I just couldn't think of anything to say to all that, you've been shagging Lily shite…"
Sirius rolled his eyes and laid down flat on his bed.
"You're Jealous of me and Lily?" James asked.
Sirius sighed and folded his hands behind his head. "Prongs I don't want to talk about it."
"What about Remus, you guys have it good. I mean girls are always telling you how cute it is. And…"
"He's great James! He's bloody perfect!"
"Then why are you Jealous?" James asked. "HEY! You better not like Lily! You better not! You cannot do that to Remus! He's my friend to you know!" James hissed.
"No James, you thick headed idiot!" Sirius snapped.
James looked confused for a moment. Sirius watched as his brows creased together, as he thought about what Sirius had just said.
James's eyes went wide and he looked at Sirius who was now propped up on an elbow. "Sirius you don't…" James pointed to himself.
"You like me?" James whispered, as though it were a sin and no one should hear.
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Yes James."
James barked a laugh and looked Sirius. "You got me! You got me good you don't…"
"James, I love you, you stupid fucking little annoying jerk of a friend." Sirius said standing up and walking to the other boy. "YOU LOVE ME!?" James said looking around nervously. "Oh god, you don't, you don't know what your saying Sirius! I mean finding out you were gay was one thing, but now you love ME! Not that's too much. I'm straight! I am!"
Sirius stopped a few feet away from Prongs. "What's that have to do with anything? So your straight? And I'm a queer. I like blokes. And I happen to like you."
"What about Remus!?"
"He knows."
"Do you love you?"
Sirius scratched his head. "I think so, yes."
"He knows you like me, and he loves you, and he's still with you why?"
"You don't understand, I DO love Remus, but I'm in love with you."
James looked at Sirius like a deer in head lights. "This is not sinking in is it?" Sirius asked.
James nodded. "I'm hoping in about three seconds I'm going to wake up laughing in my bed."
"I could knock you out, and then maybe you'd forget or think it was a dream." Sirius offered.
James shook his head and took to large steps backwards, as if trying, but not fully succeeding, to get away from all the things Sirius was trying to tell him.
"You act as though I just told you your mum died Prongs, honestly." Sirius said as he shoved is hands in his pockets.
"This is much worse thank you very much! Good god Sirius, why?!" James grabbed his hair and messed it more thoroughly and groaned. "For god sakes what will I tell Lily?" James asked.
"About what?" Sirius replied. James stomped his foot angrily. "About you wanting to shag me you fucking Idiot! What do you think?!"
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Oh shut it already. I'm sure she knows; girls have a knack for things like that."
James huffed and looked up at the ceiling. "This is insane, you're insane, and you're driving me insane…" James muttered nearly shaking from head to toe.
Sirius sighed and walked over to the other boy. James didn't seem too notice, as the other boy moved. But when he looked down again and saw that Sirius was mere inches away from him, he was far from shocked though. After all, what's more shocking than finding out your best mate is Queer?
"Do one thing for me James." Sirius said.
James shook his head in a yes and tried to breathe and not look too pathetic.
"Let me kiss you, and if you don't like it, then I'll leave you alone, and things can back to normal." Sirius whispered. James said nothing in return. He was too shocked, too nervous.
"So?" Sirius asked letting his hands slip forward; one around James's waist and the other creep up his lower back. James shivered and watched Sirius smirk at him. He never noticed that he was that much shorter than Sirius.
"I …I don't…" James tried to from words, but nothing made sense. He couldn't even talk all of a sudden; it was like something was blocking his lips.
'Oh there is…' James noted.
Because Sirius was kissing him.
James told himself he hated it.
'Yes…Yes….why is this so good?'
James made himself think of Lily.
'Please don't let her see….make he stay away from here…to good to stop now....'
James promised he'd never let himself do it again.
'How will I live with out this?'
But pretty soon, things turned from one kiss, to another and another and…
..."So ready then?" Remus asked pulling out of his arms. Sirius scratched his head and sighed. "I dunno Moony…I don't want to ruin..."
Remus raised a hand to stop him. "There is no way in hell you could ruin your best friends wedding, when you're the best man, and were invited, and even if you did a good three quarters of the guests came for that reason alone."
Sirius snorted. "Your right Moony. You're always fucking right." Sirius looked the smaller wizard straight in the eye. "Why is that again?"
Remus Shrugged and walked out of the bathroom as Sirius followed. "I guess it has something to do with the fact, that I'm rather intelligent."
"You don't say…" Sirius said as he rolled his eyes.
James dreamed.
And James woke.
But he wasn't in his own bed. But Sirius Black's bed.
"Morning." Sirius muttered holding a book in his lap, clearing doing homework. James looked around nervously. "I …you …we…" James spat shaking all over again.
"Are you alright Prongs?" Sirius asked reaching a hand out to touch the other boy's forehead.
"OH GOD!" James said jumping up. "Oh god…oh god…oh god! Lily can't know! Lily can't ever fucking know!" James said looking Sirius in the eye. Sirius raised and brow.
"James, I always copy your charms papers. I think Lily's seen me cheat a few times, just calm down will you?"
"NOT THAT! We shagged didn't we! You seduced me you son of a bitch!" James spat as he pointed at him as though has had committed a crime for the world to see.
"Oh that. Well Yes I suppose we did but honestly Prongs…do you even know what seducing is?"
James sighed heavily and crossed his arms over his chest.
Sirius smiled and looked down at James's lower regions. "Well, I'd say you'd better put some clothes on or take a warm bath. Little James looks a bit cold."
James looked down and blushed a brilliant shade of Crimson.
"You think this is funny don't you!" James hissed grabbing a pillow to cover himself. "You think it's a great good old laugh to watch your best friend get fucked and humiliated!"
Sirius shook his head and set down his homework.
"I think it's quite funny that you need that big of pillow to cover …"
James huffed. "Oh enough!" He walked to trunk and opened it to find clothes to wear. Sirius in the mean time stood and walked up behind his friend, and wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling him backwards and against his chest.
"Do you really think I could have seduced the great James potter?" Sirius whispered in his ear. James closed his eyes and carefully took a deep breath. "I…"
"So you didn't like it when I did this?" Sirius asked dipping his head and to gently kiss and lick the other boy's neck.
James hissed threw his teeth. "No...I didn't..."
Sirius smirked and lifted his head and nuzzled James's neck. "What about when…" Sirius leaned his head forward a bit and nibbled on his ear.
"Fuck…Stop Sirius please just…" James moaned helplessly and spun around as he pushed Sirius away. "JUST STOP!"
Sirius stood back and looked at James for a minute and then at the floor.
"I can't Sirius, I can't …Damnit! You know all the reasons and all the things I'm about to say! Why would you…"
"I LOVE YOU! That's why! Is that not a reason good enough for you James? Does it have to be life or death? Does it have to mean something more than the fact that all I think about is how much I wish Remus was you?"
James panted and backed up into the wall and covered his face with his hands.
"I love Lily, Sirius."
Sirius shook his head. "You feel something…you do…don't lie…"
James looked up and let his hands drop. "God Sirius, so I like Sex…I'm sorry…I love Lily I can't change the way I feel."
"Don't I deserve…Don't…" Sirius tried and failed to form words. And what Remus had always said came back to him. 'Love's not about deserving Sirius.'
Sirius sighed. "Do…do what you want. I don't care." Sirius said as he walked back to his bed and began to gather his things.
James turned around and grabbed a jumper and pulled it over his head.
"See?" Remus said smiling at him. "Just people dancing. Having a good time. Nothing to be scared of."
Sirius took a deep breath and looked around until his eyes landed in James who was sipping what looked like some sort of wine and laughing with Peter. "Well?" Remus said nudging him. "Go talk. Have a good time. Like people usually do when they celebrate marriage." Remus whispered.
Sirius rolled his eyes and walked forward towards James. The walk alone seemed to take hours. Days…god if he wasn't mistaken is could have been years before he reached the two, who stopped talking to greet him.
"Well Bloody hell Padfoot, I thought you'd fell in. Moony found you I take it?" James asked as he smiled brilliantly. "It's always Moony isn't it?"
Peter smiled at Sirius nervously. "He does always seem to have a way with making things better."
James tipped his glass and took a sip. "That he does."
Peter shifted nervously from foot to foot. Sirius wanted to do the same, but that alone was so unlike him, James would automatically suspect something.
"Well bloody hell!" Sirius said as he pushed out a bark like laugh. "It's hot in here. I'm going to step out quick…" Sirius said to the pair of them, walking towards the open doors at the front of dance floor where a balcony was placed.
James smiled and nodded as he walked away.
Across the room Sirius could feel Remus's disappointed stare burning into his skin.
"Idiot Sirius…" He muttered to himself, as he smiled at the people around him.
He knew James's mind was probably running a million miles per hour, wondering what the hell what wrong with him.
It was to bad Sirius didn't have a good answer.
"Finished with your Transfigurations essay yet?" Remus asked setting down his bag as he looked over the taller boy's shoulder. "Nearly. I've made most of it up actually..." Sirius admitted. Remus snorted and walked around the chair to take a seat near him.
"So have you heard then?" Remus asked grabbing Sirius's book from the table in front of him. "Heard what?" Sirius asked as he glanced up from his work. "About James and Lily."
"Moony, if anything were happening between them I would be first to know..." Sirius paused and then continued, "Why don't I know?"
Remus rolled his eyes. "They're talking Marriage!"
Sirius's parchment and Quill fell out of his hands.
"It's our last year…and it's almost over. It's a realistic plan, and great idea. I mean, come on, James and Lily are going to end up together either way." Remus told him, as he looked off into space.
"Hey Moony…I got to, you know do that thing…" Sirius said as he bent over and began to nervously pick up his lost items. "That thing, Sirius?" Remus asked.
"YES! Alright! That thing… thing thingy! Does it really matter?" Sirius growled angrily as he walked over to the common room exit. "Fine, Sirius." The other boy muttered.
"OH AND PLEASE LEAVE ALL YOUR SHITE HERE FOR ME TO PICK UP!" Remus shouted after him.
Sirius shook his head and walked out of the portrait door shaking his head. James and Lily: getting married. It made sense. But yet…it made no sense. James was reckless, last minute, stupid, Marauder through and through. But he was getting married.
Sirius stuffed his hands into pockets and walked the lonely path up to the North Tower. The Place he'd spent many nights with Remus, or the random hook up. Who ever seemed to be open. But tonight unlike all the other nights before, Sirius found it was better to be alone.
If for no other reason than he had a lot to think about.
The sky looked clear. So clear it was as though every star could be seen. Each star stood out, sparkling more brilliantly than the one before it. It wasn't until then that Sirius felt, like all the years he spent learning magic and being with his friends were wasted.
He had Remus. He was out of his house and on his own.
But now James, he best friend, the one he loved…
"Sirius?" Someone asked from the stairs of the North tower. Sirius turned and saw James shivering from the cold air, hands in his pockets; but otherwise looking fully pleased with himself.
"Prongs." Sirius said. The other boy laughed and shook his head. "You've heard the news then?" James asked as he walked over and sat down near him.
Sirius turned his head away and looked at the sky. "Congratulations." Sirius mumbled. James sighed heavily.
"You could at least try to act as though you're excited." James said smirking. Sirius turned his head towards James.
"I'm so bloody happy for you I can barely contain myself! Now you can deny to death, the fact you shagged your best mate who's a bloke!"
James huffed angrily and stood up looking down at Sirius. "God damn it how did I know you were going to be like this? Remus told me not to come up here…I should have fucking listened! I should have!" James shouted.
Sirius shook his head and rolled his eyes stubbornly. "You don't fucking get it James. You just don't fucking understand." Sirius whispered.
"Oh I get it alright Sirius! You're a selfish little brat who only cares about himself! You can't even be happy that the one thing I've wanted for as long as I can remember is finally going to be mine!" James said.
"Fuck you!" Sirius spat.
"You're so damn busy licking your own arse you don't even realize all the good things happening around you!" James told him.
"God damn it Sirius look around would you?" James said. "Remus is in love with you! Your best friend finally found what he's been looking for! I'm sorry I don't love you! I'm sorry. I can't change it! I can't make myself feel a certain way!" James hissed.
Sirius bit his lip and tasted copper. It was the only thing he could do to stop himself from replying.
"I wouldn't change it Sirius. Because Lily's perfect, and she deserves someone who's willing to do anything for her and always put her first. I want to be that person, more than anything in the world." James said.
Sirius sighed and looked up at the sky once more.
"Then do it."
Sirius heard the foot steps as they approached, and knew somehow when he turned around it would be James he saw.
"I stood in there for about five minutes trying to think of a reason why I decided to come out here too." He told Sirius.
Sirius smiled and shook his head. "Do you really need a reason?" He asked the shorter wizard. "A reason so no one will follow me." James explained. Sirius nodded and shoved his hands into pockets. "It was a beautiful wedding." Sirius told him.
James smiled and looked down at his feet. "It was, wasn't it?"
Sirius looked at him for a moment and remembered why he always knew he loved James somehow. But the second James looked back; he regretted ever laying his eyes on him.
"Are you having a good time then?" James asked awkwardly. Sirius snapped his head away and looked off out into the distance. "Of course I am." Sirius muttered.
"I feel like this entire day was only important to me and Lily. Seems like everyone's just waiting for it to be over so they can leave."
Sirius sighed heavily. "Oh come off it. " He said softly. "I'm the only one you're talking about. Your pathetic you know Prongs?" Sirius said looking over at him.
James smirked. "How's Remus been?"
Sirius rubbed a hand over his face. "James, let's not talk about it."
"I'm sorry….is it not going well?" James asked.
Sirius looked at him disgusted. "Do you just want to hear that my life's been a big pile of shite, and I wish I was you, or what mate? Honestly..." Sirius growled.
James scratched the back of his head. "It's never going to be the same again is it?"
Sirius angrily pushed himself away from the railing. "Fuck you." He snapped as he walked over to the entrance.
"You'd like that wouldn't you!" James hissed. Sirius growled and spun around.
"Don't even try to blame me James. Don't try and load all the things that have happened in the past between us on me. Even on your fucking wedding day you can't forget. You can't move on. I have James! Yes I still lo…"
Sirius paused and took a deep breath;
"…I still love you. But I will NEVER go back to that again. Never. It's not worth it, it changes nothing. I'm with Remus now and I will be until the day I die or so help me god if you come crawling to me, I will have nothing to offer but friendship. "
James said nothing and Sirius was almost sure he would say nothing In return.
It was the end of something old and the beginning of something different. Whether it was good different or bad hadn't yet been determined. But it was different from that moment on, none the less.
Sirius shook his head one last time and turned on his heel to walk back onto the dance floor. "Wait." James whispered. Sirius turned back around on last time.
"What James?" Sirius asked.
James bit his lip and looked him in the eye. "Do you ever wonder what it would have been like if I dumped Lily and went with you?"
Sirius smiled for some strange reason and let a small laugh fall from his lips. "Haven't you?" Sirius asked.
"Well yeah…but you have right?"
Sirius nodded and put his hands in his pockets.
"I figured you and I would have made a great couple. But then again, what compares to Prongs and Princess Perfect?" Sirius asked in return. "Nothing I guess." James said.
"You remember that James. Remember that if nothing else."
Sirius turned once more and walked to the edge of the dance floor. And looked across it. There, stood Remus holding a glass and speaking with James's cousins and Peter along his side.
Their eyes caught and Sirius smiled.
Sirius somehow found himself at his side, alone with no one with in whisper distance.
"So James and you are okay?" Remus asked grabbing his hand.
"Screaming always does us some good." Sirius said smiling.
"Screaming?" Remus asked pulling Sirius near the door.
Sirius followed and nodded.
"So things are back to normal then?" Remus asked.
Sirius shook his head. "No. But we'll be fine, right?"
Remus chuckled. "Of course we will be."
-Fin-