Time, sometimes the time just slips away
And you're left with yesterday
Left with the memories
I, I'll always think of you and smile
Gone. It didn't seem real. James couldn't be gone. And yet he was. My best friend was...he was dead. Dead. How many times had I said it and yet it still wasn't real. I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it. I wanted James to still be alive. I wanted him to still be here. I wanted to know that any moment he could come through my door with some wonderful and amazing news. And yet...somehow...somewhere deep inside me I knew he would never come through my door again.
And be happy for the time I had you with me
Though we go our separate ways
I won't forget so don't forget
The memories we made
Tears stinging my eyes, I reached under my bed and pulled out an old shoebox that I used to hold photos. I had always meant to get them in an album, but just never had the time. Suddenly that didn't seem so important anymore. Suddenly nothing seemed important. It was as if a deep void had swallowed me up. I felt nothing except emptiness. Painful black emptiness. I felt as if there was nothing inside of me. Nothing but a huge, deep hole. I guess that meant the shock was wearing off - I should have been glad for that, but I wasn't. The shock wasn't painful, this was.
Please remember, please remember
I was there for you and you were there for me
Please remember our time together
The time was yours and mine
While we were wild and free
Please remember, please remember me
I don't remember throwing the box across the room, or beginning to cry, or even Remus coming in. But somewhere along the way it must have all happened because there I was, in his arms sobbing...the pictures laying scattered about. My head hurt, I felt...I felt so many different things all at one time. The emptiness was still there, but now it had been joined by confusion and anger. I was angry. I was mad at James for leaving.
Goodbye, there's just no sadder word to say
And it's sad to walk away
With just the memories
Who's to know what might have been
We'll leave behind a life and time
I'll never know again
"He's gone," I told Remus, tears still making silent trails down my cheeks. "He's really gone."
Remus nodded and hugged me, holding me close. "I know," He whispered kissing the top of my head.
"How can he...I mean..." My vision got blurry as I started crying again. Even saying it hadn't made it real. It seemed so...how could he be gone? James had been there every day of my life for twenty years and now...now I would wake up tomorrow and he wouldn't be there? He wouldn't be at my wedding or see my first born? He wouldn't be around to tease me about getting fat when my pregnancy began to show? He'd never be around for me to apologize to. To say I'm sorry for betraying the Marauders...and him. He'd never be around to share my laughter, my joy, or my pain ever again. I was going through the hardest thing I ever encountered...and he wasn't here. He'd never be here again. We'd never share another pizza, or go for sundaes. He'd never have another Butterbeer or buy a bag of every flavor beans. He'd never do anything again. It wasn't fair.
Please remember, please remember
I was there for you and you were there for me
And remember, please remember me
I reached over and picked up an old photograph, staring at it. It had been taken a few years back during a trip we had all taken to the beach the summer after my fourth year at Hogwarts. I watched as the picture came alive. Sirius burying Peter in the sand. Remus waving to the camera, and me jumping on James' as he ran towards the water. We were all so happy, known of us ever even thinking what the future held for us. I set the picture down and leaned against Remus. Remus? Why was Remus here? Why wouldn't...Sirius...something had happened to Sirius? I sat up and looked at Remus. Before I could speak he held up a hand, meaning to calm me. "Sirius was at the house last night..."
No. No. He wasn't...he could mean that Sirius was...I...it couldn't be happening. First James and then Sirius. I couldn't lose my brother too. I looked at Remus.
"He's alive...but..."
"But?"
"When the aurorers had arrived...they...from what was left of the scene it looked like...they think he led Voldemort to James and Lily...they've taken him to Azkaban."
My heart fell into my stomach, disappearing into the black hole that had formed there. Sirius...Sirius was in Azkaban. I remembered hearing stories about that place when I was little. It was an awful place. Full of death and insanity...full of people who had lost all will to live. How could Sirius be put in there? And for betraying James and Lily. James was his best friend. He would never in a million years betray him.
I felt so lonely. So sad. James was dead and Sirius was in Azkaban. No one ever got out of Azkaban. I would never see either of them again. One night...one night and I had lost the two people who meant everything to me. One night and I had lost my brother and my best friend. One night and I had lost my confidant and my first crush. One night and I had lost everything.
Please remember, please remember
I was there for you and you were there for me
Please remember our time together
The time was yours and mine
While we were wild and free
Then remember, please remember me
I don't know how long I sat there crying. Remus tried to get me to eat, to sleep, even to have a cup of tea but I couldn't do anything. I looked at the pictures on my floor and wondered what had happened. When had everything changed? When had we stopped being the carefree Marauders? When had our lives gone from being full of laughter to full of tears? I knew Sirius didn't betray James, but how to prove it. Without proof there was nothing that could be done. Without proof he would spend the rest of his life within the walls of Azkaban. He didn't deserve that. And James. God, James had been all but perfect. What did he do to deserve to die? Maybe it was me. Maybe the fates were punishing me for everything I had done wrong. Maybe James and Sirius were suffering because of my sins. I leaned back against the bed and stared at the ceiling, trying to stop the wave of unending tears. Trying to remember us the way we had been. Trying not to think about what we had become. A corpse...a murderer...a whore.
And how we laughed and how we smiled
And how this heart was yours and mine
And how no dream was out of reach
I stood by you, you stood by me
We took each day and made it shine
We wrote our names across the sky
We ride so fast we ride so free
I had you and you had me
Please remember, please remember
I looked at the pictures scattered around my room one last time and sighed. "I'm sorry." I whispered softly, hoping somehow...someway they would know I loved them...that I would always love them, and not even death could change that.
And you're left with yesterday
Left with the memories
I, I'll always think of you and smile
Gone. It didn't seem real. James couldn't be gone. And yet he was. My best friend was...he was dead. Dead. How many times had I said it and yet it still wasn't real. I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it. I wanted James to still be alive. I wanted him to still be here. I wanted to know that any moment he could come through my door with some wonderful and amazing news. And yet...somehow...somewhere deep inside me I knew he would never come through my door again.
And be happy for the time I had you with me
Though we go our separate ways
I won't forget so don't forget
The memories we made
Tears stinging my eyes, I reached under my bed and pulled out an old shoebox that I used to hold photos. I had always meant to get them in an album, but just never had the time. Suddenly that didn't seem so important anymore. Suddenly nothing seemed important. It was as if a deep void had swallowed me up. I felt nothing except emptiness. Painful black emptiness. I felt as if there was nothing inside of me. Nothing but a huge, deep hole. I guess that meant the shock was wearing off - I should have been glad for that, but I wasn't. The shock wasn't painful, this was.
Please remember, please remember
I was there for you and you were there for me
Please remember our time together
The time was yours and mine
While we were wild and free
Please remember, please remember me
I don't remember throwing the box across the room, or beginning to cry, or even Remus coming in. But somewhere along the way it must have all happened because there I was, in his arms sobbing...the pictures laying scattered about. My head hurt, I felt...I felt so many different things all at one time. The emptiness was still there, but now it had been joined by confusion and anger. I was angry. I was mad at James for leaving.
Goodbye, there's just no sadder word to say
And it's sad to walk away
With just the memories
Who's to know what might have been
We'll leave behind a life and time
I'll never know again
"He's gone," I told Remus, tears still making silent trails down my cheeks. "He's really gone."
Remus nodded and hugged me, holding me close. "I know," He whispered kissing the top of my head.
"How can he...I mean..." My vision got blurry as I started crying again. Even saying it hadn't made it real. It seemed so...how could he be gone? James had been there every day of my life for twenty years and now...now I would wake up tomorrow and he wouldn't be there? He wouldn't be at my wedding or see my first born? He wouldn't be around to tease me about getting fat when my pregnancy began to show? He'd never be around for me to apologize to. To say I'm sorry for betraying the Marauders...and him. He'd never be around to share my laughter, my joy, or my pain ever again. I was going through the hardest thing I ever encountered...and he wasn't here. He'd never be here again. We'd never share another pizza, or go for sundaes. He'd never have another Butterbeer or buy a bag of every flavor beans. He'd never do anything again. It wasn't fair.
Please remember, please remember
I was there for you and you were there for me
And remember, please remember me
I reached over and picked up an old photograph, staring at it. It had been taken a few years back during a trip we had all taken to the beach the summer after my fourth year at Hogwarts. I watched as the picture came alive. Sirius burying Peter in the sand. Remus waving to the camera, and me jumping on James' as he ran towards the water. We were all so happy, known of us ever even thinking what the future held for us. I set the picture down and leaned against Remus. Remus? Why was Remus here? Why wouldn't...Sirius...something had happened to Sirius? I sat up and looked at Remus. Before I could speak he held up a hand, meaning to calm me. "Sirius was at the house last night..."
No. No. He wasn't...he could mean that Sirius was...I...it couldn't be happening. First James and then Sirius. I couldn't lose my brother too. I looked at Remus.
"He's alive...but..."
"But?"
"When the aurorers had arrived...they...from what was left of the scene it looked like...they think he led Voldemort to James and Lily...they've taken him to Azkaban."
My heart fell into my stomach, disappearing into the black hole that had formed there. Sirius...Sirius was in Azkaban. I remembered hearing stories about that place when I was little. It was an awful place. Full of death and insanity...full of people who had lost all will to live. How could Sirius be put in there? And for betraying James and Lily. James was his best friend. He would never in a million years betray him.
I felt so lonely. So sad. James was dead and Sirius was in Azkaban. No one ever got out of Azkaban. I would never see either of them again. One night...one night and I had lost the two people who meant everything to me. One night and I had lost my brother and my best friend. One night and I had lost my confidant and my first crush. One night and I had lost everything.
Please remember, please remember
I was there for you and you were there for me
Please remember our time together
The time was yours and mine
While we were wild and free
Then remember, please remember me
I don't know how long I sat there crying. Remus tried to get me to eat, to sleep, even to have a cup of tea but I couldn't do anything. I looked at the pictures on my floor and wondered what had happened. When had everything changed? When had we stopped being the carefree Marauders? When had our lives gone from being full of laughter to full of tears? I knew Sirius didn't betray James, but how to prove it. Without proof there was nothing that could be done. Without proof he would spend the rest of his life within the walls of Azkaban. He didn't deserve that. And James. God, James had been all but perfect. What did he do to deserve to die? Maybe it was me. Maybe the fates were punishing me for everything I had done wrong. Maybe James and Sirius were suffering because of my sins. I leaned back against the bed and stared at the ceiling, trying to stop the wave of unending tears. Trying to remember us the way we had been. Trying not to think about what we had become. A corpse...a murderer...a whore.
And how we laughed and how we smiled
And how this heart was yours and mine
And how no dream was out of reach
I stood by you, you stood by me
We took each day and made it shine
We wrote our names across the sky
We ride so fast we ride so free
I had you and you had me
Please remember, please remember
I looked at the pictures scattered around my room one last time and sighed. "I'm sorry." I whispered softly, hoping somehow...someway they would know I loved them...that I would always love them, and not even death could change that.