Chapter 01: ... I want to love
School…
It's always the same.
I hate it.
Every day I have to go to school and every day I have to wear a mask. Can't somebody save me? I am fed up with this everyday routine. Getting up in the morning, going to school, driving to my corporation afterwards just to work till late in the night.
It's so dreary... boring… I want out.
Out of this vicious circle.
I'd love to end it all, but I can't. I can't leave HIM alone. He is still too young. If I would go now he'd have to go to a children's home. I want to keep him away from that. He should have a beautiful life unlike me. That's why I am working so hard. To be able to give him a good childhood.
I keep on living. Just for him I am sitting here not allowed to show my feelings to anyone. To be honest you can't call this living anymore. Just like a machine I keep working myself through the prosy day. Conference here, paper work there, I keep on running like a computer until someone presses the shut-down button. Just that no one is pressing it for me and my heart isn't in my work anymore.
Nobody is allowed to see that I am lonely. Emotions are just a burden. They point out weakness and leave me vulnerable. Therefore I hide them behind a wall of ice.
It has been a long time since I laughed with all my heart. Also it appears that I almost entirely forgot how to smile. I just can't do it anymore. Only for my little brother I manage to smile.
I wish I would be able to let go only once. I want to open my heart to someone and talk about things that weigh on my soul. Just how much I do wish for that but I didn't find this person yet. I doubt that I ever will be able to find it. Supposedly fate wants to punish me for something.
Might Muto be possibly right? Did I commit such a huge sin in my previous life that I still have to suffer? He told me that I once was a priest in times of ancient Egypt. I was said to be cold and unapproachable. But even though I loved someone. At least I should have learned how to do it. But I lost this love.
I can't remember but for some time now I got nightmares.
I see how my only love is dying before my eyes through my hands. Then I begin to destroy everything that tries to block my path. Yes, I have sinned. And yet it taught me that my love could never return.
Every time I wake up drenched in sweat. I do not know who was the person I loved. I could never see it properly. I would like to know who this person was. It seemed familiar.
All I know is that I want to love.
If it's true what Muto told me and what I see every night …
Am I doomed to spend my life without love?
Even if I wish so much to have someone I could give my heart to?
Someone who is not my little brother?
And if I would find this person, would it then have to die by my hand like in my dreams?
I hate that everyone is just after my money or my power. I only want to be loved at least once the way I am. Will I find this love one day?
I hope so.
The bell rang for recess.
I got up to go out into the yard. Then you bumped into me. I quickly recovered my balance unlike you who was sitting in front of me on the floor. You growled at me but I only put my superior smile on. We argued -actually as always- but I realized how much your words lost their power lately. It seemed to me that you didn't really mean what you were saying. You might think I did not notice it but I'm not that stupid, mutt. You should know this much yourself. You glared at me and insulted me while I examined you only and kept up my arrogant and conceited grin.
Do you know that you're the only one who -next to my brother of course- gets so much attention from me? I don't think so.
Anyway, I didn't know myself why I ever got involved with you or even provoked a fight. I couldn't even stand you. I didn't understand myself anymore.
Quickly I shook off the thought that I would perhaps like you. After all, we are enemies and always have been.
Enemies are supposed to hate each other, don't they?
You still barked at me but I reacted as usual: not at all. Then I turned away from you and went to sit back on my chair. Recess was over now. Thanks to you I had none of it but somehow I wasn't angry about it.
If you wouldn't fill my breaks I would probably work. And this must not be. I work enough already.
The teacher came in and I already drifted off with my thoughts. I knew what he was talking about. I've learned it all before. So now I was daydreaming and thought about you. How you always reacted towards me or how you behaved. I couldn't believe it but I always came to the conclusion that you did not seem to hate me as much as you pretended. Was it probably the same for me?
Inconspicuous I shook my head. No I didn't like you. I couldn't stand you.
And yet I felt somewhat attracted to you. I couldn't explain it myself. I loved to have your absolute attention when we fought. You had now become an essential part of my daily routine. However, I couldn't say that this was bugging me much.
What should I think of this?
Was I starting to like you?
Maybe.
Should I accept it?
Actually you're quite okay if one ignores the little quirks of yours. You do not look bad and got some pride and nothing can make you back down. Those are all rather positive things. What would be negative? You are annoying, mixed up in every event that occurs and you're incredibly loud. One cannot ignore you. And yet I must admit that I do somehow find you appealing.
If not we wouldn't argue. I would ignore you then like the others no matter what you would did. But could I really? You and your naive way to push yourself in the centre of attention everywhere you show up. At least that's the way I see it. Everywhere you are present. At the tournament of Pegasus, when I was locked in my own game, the Battle City Tournament, the fight against Noah, when it came to Mariku, the fight against Dartz. You've even lost your soul and not just once. Then you were in Egypt too. And again at the front of the battle.
I got to admit that you have become a better duellist. You are not as much a loser as before. Almost, you had even beaten me. In that instant I have been impressed and had some respect for you. But that quickly went by. In the end I defeated you.
And now class was already over.
I've been thinking about you all the time. Did it mean anything? But I couldn't care less at the moment. I had to survive only 2 more hours then I could finally get out of this stuffy room. In any case, I wouldn't think about YOU anymore. My head was needed for something else. For example, I could think about whether I was going to do this bargain with that guy now or not. Alright …
Great ... now the last period was over and I only thought about him. This was crazy. Why did I think so often about him? This was pure madness. I should have done something against it immediately.
I sighed and quietly packed up my things. Then I made my way to my limousine waiting outside the school. I got in and drove home to get changed and grab some documents. I climbed back into the car and went to my company. It looked like I was getting a lot to do and wouldn't get to sleep properly. Once more a soft sigh. Fortunately no one could hear it.
I don't want to go on anymore. How much do I wish I'd have some actual free time. Then I could finally use the time to find someone with whom I want to spend my time. Someone whom my heart would belong to. Who takes me away from this boring life. Maybe I'll get lucky and find such a person one day.
I cancelled all my thoughts and started to work. Maybe I'll got done faster and still going to get some sleep. My thoughts wanted to drift away but I pulled myself together and concentrated on the contracts, documents and other stack of paper in front of me. Yes, work distracts me. I didn't even pay attention to the time. So hour by hour passes by.
I finally finished very late at night. I cleared everything and packed up my things. A glance at the clock told me it was already half past one.
A soft sigh escaped my mouth. Hopefully Mokuba was already in bed. I took my suitcase and got on my way home.
Once there, I looked after my little brother. He was fast asleep just as I expected. Mokuba never stayed awake till I came back home. He knew that it was very late often. I had also instructed the maid to make sure that he was in bed by 9 at last. I placed a little kiss on his forehead and stroke his hair for a little.
"Sleep well Moki."
I left his room and walked to my own. The room was large and dark. He seemed as cold and lonely as I was. I went to the bathroom and got ready for bed. As soon as I closed my eyes I could see a picture. There it was again. Why did I think of him again? He was only a small blond mutt with a big mouth. It bugged me. And yet I couldn't completely banish him from my thoughts. I rolled to the side and tried to sleep. After about half an hour I succeeded at last and was in the land of dreams.
To be continued