Lori,

I love you.

I couldn't put it together.

I just couldn't put it back together…

Was I supposed to?

Could I ever have?

The night sky was defenseless against the hints of intruding daylight. Michonne observed from the comfort of her bed as hues of purple and pink swirled through the atmosphere, like loaded paint brushes washed in the deepest blue water. She drifted in and out of her dreams, imagining hands invisible creeping to caress the small of her dewy back.

Those hands she dreamt of belonged to Rick, at least she imagined them to be. She imagined him in many ways, so many ways. The closer she got to full consciousness, she realized more and more how large her bed was, how she swam in the silk king sized sheets.

The events of 2 months ago rang in her head still. She was not confused about Rick anymore. No, she was in love. How she felt was as clear as the sky was proving to be.

What was not clear, was the possible aftermath if she let those feelings escape. Carl and Judith were her heart, and though Rick was too, she wondered if she told him how she felt …would it shatter it all? Would Rick be up for it, after all that he'd been through? What they had was good, and she juggled back and forth with it, wondering if she should take the risk. After all, Rick said he didn't take those anymore.

She could hear that he was up for the day. As she lay, she could hear Rick ever so quietly getting ready upstairs. The shower running, the jingles of his belt buckle as he put it on, the creaking of the wood floor as he headed outdoors. The end of the world had left the earth so quiet that the smallest of sounds had become the loudest. It amused her how gentle she knew he tried to be, but she listened on to his morning melody, tracing the wrinkles on her pillowcase with her finger.

Where was he going? She wasn't exactly sure. For the past couple of weeks around this time, she could just make out through her window Rick's form walking toward a woman, Denice, with what looked like a pen and pad. They'd scurry off somewhere for a while and come back some time after, before the sun fully came out. Sure enough, she could see the same scene take place right through her window, except today, Rick was empty handed. As always, they'd exchange pleasantries and way off to the infirmary.

Each time he returned, Rick never mentioned to her where he went, so she left it be. Whatever it was, it made him truer. She noticed that he would come back a different shade as before he left, a different man. Sometimes he would have this serene expression about him, other times, with red stung eyes as if he'd been crying. If it was important for her to know, he would tell her. She trusted him.

But still she wanted to know.

Michonne sat up in bed and closed her eyes; sensed deeper for the warm hearts and bodies of others around her, Carl and Judith who slept upstairs. How precious they were to her. How precious they all were to her. Since all the other survivors had left the house to those 4, an unspoken connection grew between them, Rick and Michonne especially. Their roles for each other were incubating and maturing, becoming something else. Neither weren't sure of how to tell the other that they had surrendered to each other.

Done with the daydreaming, Michonne sleepily looked at the clock and realized it was time for her to start her day. 6:15. She promised Maggie to help plan for the community later on and she had quite a few errands to run beforehand. Michonne was very particular about her morning routine, despite being in the apocalypse, she wanted to take advantage of the privileges that Alexandria afforded her. She stood up and performed her morning stretches, and continued down the way and upstairs.

Her next step was to brush her teeth. Unfortunately, she had run all out some time ago so she would always siphon some from Rick's supply. Her cheeks went warm as her mind flashed images of Rick's slick smile when he teased her about her intense regimen. How she used too much toothpaste and that "They only put that much toothpaste on the brush in the commercials so that you'll buy more." She was a little miffed that he wouldn't be around today to tease her. Nonetheless, she needed toothpaste, and his bathroom had the only supply in the house.

As she walked down the hallway, she made sure to make first stops at Carl and Judith's room to check on them, both of them sleeping soundly. She made a mental note to change Carl's gauze as soon as he got up. Michonne was the only one that Carl would allow to see his wound, and he couldn't clean it alone.

Drifting into Rick's room, she was struck with sudden humidity of Rick's shower that escaped into the bedroom. The smell of his woodsy cologne and shaving cream lingered amongst the heavy air.

Through the steam, Michonne could make out the stunning view. Rick had hands down the best views of the whole house, and it was paramount in the mornings. Michonne kicked herself for not taking this room. The window space gave way to the most brilliant sunrise, as it was now demonstrating. In the distance, you could just make out the Blue Ridge Mountains that cupped the area.

Michonne stepped toward the window to admire for a moment until she felt the crunch and scatter of papers beneath her feet. Instinctively she picked up the notebook and made to put it on the nightstand that it must have fallen from in Rick's hurry.

That is, until she caught her name on the page.

Michonne

It was like catching somebody naked, immediately she turned her head and averted her eyes, exaggerating the reach so that she could place the paper on the nightstand. She was not about reading people's personal things. She was a lawyer, all about the protection of personal information. She doesn't do that. Nope. Not her.

But it was too late. The interest had been piqued.

She wondered, what Rick could be writing about her, shrugging her arms close around to her body, the notebook now grazing her back. In a mental tug of war she fought herself, but the words she skimmed on the page fizzled to the top of her memory: feelings, Denise… Lori? His wife? What could she have to do with this... with her?

This burning and stretching feeling inside her urged her to read. It was automatic as her hands brought the book to her eyes and trudged through the tattered page.

The page was bruised with eraser marks; you could see where he wrote the first paragraph and erased time and time again and smell how the rubber burned as he furiously did it. It was Rick's hand writing sure enough, she'd seen it enough to know. Some of the penciling was worn down but with what looked like tears. Just by holding the notebook, you could tell that the rest of the book was treated much like this very page. This was his journal.

It couldn't hurt to read just a little bit.

No. No. She couldn't. This was so unlike her, she scolded inwardly. She was beside herself, not believing the invasion of privacy she was about to perform, how dare she!

But she read. The curiosity was simply too much for her to bare she decided. She would read and forget, no harm done. Yes. No harm done at all.

Quickly, before she could change her mind, she plopped herself on the bed and began, placing her hand on the crook of her neck in agitation.

Lori,

This isn't easy for me to say.

When I was with you in all this, and even when you were gone, I was a man with no hope. I admit that now. But like Denise says, we can only look toward the future now. I tried to stay in the past here in Alexandria when we first came, tried to chase you and the way things used to be. But you know all about how that went. This is the new world. This letter is about that.

You know Michonne? I've talked about her before. I know you would have liked her. She's amazing… like my sun. Kind, beautiful… I can't name to you how many times she's saved me. She gives Judith this huge smile and Carl adores her. She gave him his first smile after you had gone on…

She makes me smile, even when I was an empty man she did.

"Michonne. Stop. Stoppit Michonne! This is wrong. No. This is so wrong." her conscience yelled to her while she held her breath, looking to the ceiling for help, although it was delightfully burning her ears to see Rick refer to her in this way.

She wanted to stop right there, but she still continued, her eyes melting into the words now.

You know I'm no stranger to messing up, Lori. But when she looks at me, I feel like I can be better. I know I can because of her. We've been through a lot. Stuff that would break a lot of people. Almost broke me. But through everything, I know I'm okay because she is. She's become my best friend.

Now that we're off the road and safe, I realize that she was such a big part of giving me hope again. She's makes my world bright. To be honest, she awakened many feelings that I didn't know I could feel again.

I realize she's becoming more to me than just my friend.

I loved you Lori, so much and so deep. I appreciate and forgive what we had, but I know it's time for me to move on. When you died I felt like I could never love anybody else. But I'm starting to see I was wrong about that…

I want to try again. I want to be some part of the brightness that she's given me for her.

I want to know what my future looks like, the new world. And the closer I get to it, the more I realize that I need her by my side. I just, need her.

I ask for your blessing. I ask for the courage to bring us together.

Love,

Rick.

And with that, Michonne placed a shaking hand to her heart at the end of the letter with sparks shooting up her spine. It shocked her to no end to see his feelings so raw on the page, so plain and so close to her own, so much so that she couldn't speak. A couple of tears unexpectedly rolled down her cheek. Happy ones.

Unsure of what to do, Michonne collected herself and hurriedly placed the notebook where it laid on the floor, best she thought to leave no trace of being there.

Without the toothpaste, she slipped out of the room with unexplainable feelings biting at her finger tips.

I can't go back.

But I want to go forward.

Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed!

Songs on rotation

Shiver- Coldplay

Oh, Maker- Janelle Monae