Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, won't pretend to, yaddah yaddah yaddah. You get the idea.
Summary: "Konoha needed babies, and they needed lots of them. But they couldn't just be ordinary babies. They had to be superbabies." …Tsunade may have been a little drunk, but they couldn't go back now. SasuHina (I suppose?) + crack pairings.
one
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Tsunade frowned at the reports she held in her hand, as if the intensity of her stare could force more screaming infants to spring forth into Konoha. Academy enrollment was declining with every passing year, and it seemed that even civilians were more concerned with working and other such nonsense than they were eager to rear children. Tsunade would have popped a few out if she'd been young enough when she took that goddamn title. Rubbing her temples for the umpteenth time that hour, she racked her brain for a solution. They'd already initiated more child-producing projects than the village could afford! The fertility programs were running at top efficiency, and compensation for child-rearing was available for any parents struggling financially. Academy students were busy poking needles through condoms for extra credit, and Tsunade herself had started swapping oral contraceptives with sugar pills, and yet the birth rates continued to decline.
Tsunade placed the report carelessly atop the stack of unread mission reports. The pile was discouragingly low. Countries had been getting along so well lately that well-paying missions were few and far between. You'd think a war would break out or something. It's virtually impossible for people to get along well for as long as this dry spell had been going on.
Slumping forward, she pressed her forehead to the wood of her desk. Konoha needed babies, and they needed lots of them. But they couldn't just be ordinary babies. They had to be superbabies.
Nearly naked, Sasuke wandered restlessly around his apartment. Hair a mess and boxers rumpled (and maybe a little smelly?), he peered through the blinds onto the street below. Villagers moved to and fro with a general aura of contentment, some carrying packages, others idly window shopping in the afternoon sun. Brow furrowing, he pushed himself from the window and descended upon his weaponry, which happened to be scattered about the entire flat in some loosely structured organizational system, and proceeded to polish them.
There were still no missions. Sigh. How was that even possible? Perhaps he could sneak off for a night – it would only take one dead daimyo or a kidnapped heir to set the oh-so-fucking-peaceful countries off again. If this stagnation kept up, he'd have to run off again. Cat and mouse at the ANBU level wasn't exactly safe, but at least it was something to do, right?
Maybe he could reassemble Hebi. That would take some time up, and at least Hebi had Karin. She had indicated a willingness to bear children, despite Sasuke's apathy in regards to her emotional well-being. All the females Sasuke had encountered in Konoha that could possibly be worthy of bearing the Uchiha bloodline were kunoichi unwilling to step back from their careers to be mothers, already married, and/or obsessed with some strange, drawn-out courtship ritual.
Growing up without observable male role models had left Sasuke with a touch of an impediment – a developmental hiccup, so to speak. It wasn't that he didn't know how to impregnate a female – stick it in and let the woman do the work – but what he hadn't exactly figured out yet was how one went from most wanted bachelor to most wanted husband-with-ten-kids. Alas, at the robust age of eighteen years, Sasuke was still a virgin. He'd never even kissed anyone! Well. A girl. He'd never kissed a girl. The fact that the person he'd been most intimate with was Konoha's number one dobe left Sasuke a bit disgruntled, but at least it was… a start?
Naruto, like several of Sasuke's other peers, certainly did not share the Uchiha's affliction. After spending three or so years with that perverted excuse for a sannin, one could say the idiot knew his way around the female body. And Ino! Word around the village was that ninjutsu wasn't her only way of acquiring control of a person's body. Why, she had- and with Ebisu-! The scandal. Delicious, delicious scandal.
The Uchiha's brow furrowed as he stared at his lap. What good was equipment if it went unused!
Moments passed. He briefly wondered if he should've let Itachi live a bit longer.
Shizune blushed, receding deeper into the booth as she pushed a (reddening) nose further into the folder. Tsunada-sama had hand-picked these specimens and assembled their reports herself. The Hokage! For her! Shizune let out a decidedly girlish – and suspiciously fangirl-esque – squeak.
"Shizune!"
"Hai, Tsunade-sama!" Shizune, reporting for duty!
"I have a mission for you, of the most urgent nature."
Shizune quirked her head, leaning forward slightly. "What kind of mission?"
"B-rank. You'll need a partner, at least in the first phase." Two elegant fingers slipped a folder across the desk, and Shizune stepped out to take it. "These are my recommendations."
Shizune scrutinized the contents of the folder. Her eyes widened and she unconsciously took a half-step back. Then, dutifully: "Hai, Tsunade-sama!"
"Don't be so dramatic, Hinata," Hiashi's brow creased. She could be so over-the-top sometimes. It wasn't as if he'd asked anything significant from of her. Suppressing a sigh, the man stood over his daughter's limp form and once again wished his precious Hanabi had been born first.
A Branch member – what was her name? Minuke? Minuka? – fanned the heiress with a sleeve, alarmed. "Hiashi-sama, her face is turning blue!"
Che. Women. "I will speak with her later. Send Neji in."
If Neji was at all disconcerted with Hinata's exit (which involved being dragged by both ankles), he didn't show it. Instead, he patted his perfect hair into place and sneered at Minuka's inferior locks as she passed him.
The Hyuuga head gestured for the young man to shut the doors, then to sit upon one of the elegant chairs opposing him. "I have a proposal for you."
Five minutes later, an indifferent Hiashi swept from his office, robes flowing as if they'd been taken them from Gandalf's personal wardrobe. Minuka had just rounded the corner of the hall, panting slightly, when he gestured toward his office. She stepped forward and sighed as he strode off without a second glance.
Minuka stared down at the unconscious young man, pondering what had been the cause for such a reaction. After a few moments, she shrugged to nobody in particular and a smirk lifted the corners of her mouth. After checking over each shoulder, she turned to his vulnerable form and maliciously dug her heel into the shiny, slippery-smooth tresses that were so superior to her own. When she was satisfied, Minuka latched onto the prodigy's ankles and proceeded to yank him none-too-gently toward the Branch bedrooms.
A few hours later, Neji would wake crumpled uncomfortably in the center of his bedroom, only to nearly pass out again upon finding that four strands of his hair had mysteriously – suspiciously – broken. He stood, as if contemplating the stillness of his room, and proceeded jyuuken the nearest pillow.
Amidst the feathers floating complacently around him, Neji blinked back the tears. Damn you Hiashi!
Cheeks flushed, a certain blonde ninja doubled over, chuckling. How ingenious!
I am most certainly the cleverest shinobi in all the land!
It was evening, and the rolling beats of the annual music festival could be heard in the quiet neighborhood on the other side of the village. Humming the Konoha anthem proudly (and quite off-key), the shinobi fumbled around for an ink jar.
Scrawling vigorously upon a wrinkled scroll with an abused ink brush, the blonde released another stream of self-satisfied, eerily high-pitched giggles. Names were scribbled, and then a bitten thumb was clumsily pressed to the designated box (dripping blood quite messily across the four lowest team member names in the meantime). Poof! The mission summons vanished with an absurdly comical sound effect.
A swig of sake was thrown back. Oh yes. I must be the cleverest ninja in all Fire Country!
A sake bottle rolled across tatami mats, joining its four (five? six? ten?) brethren in forlorn emptiness across the room. The discarder chuckled and rolled across the floor (and the ink brush) to mimic it, smearing ink along her forearm and through her hair.
And quite possibly the drunkest.
Sasuke nearly yanked off his own – ahem. He was slightly startled while engaging in some healthy adolescent behavior when a mission scroll poofed into existence, mere inches from his nose. Catching it before it could land on some sensitive bits – it wasn't big, but papercuts were something to be feared – he paused from his recreational pastime to examine the (long overdue) assignment.
Attention Konoha shinobi –
"'A mission of the utmost importance has come to Konoha,'" Lee read softly to himself, so as to not distract Gai-sensei. Wiggling his feet and taking another step with his left hand (he could not fall behind Gai-sensei! If he did, he'd have to do two-thousand more laps around Konoha on his hands!), he unrolled more of the parchment and continued reading.
You are to assemble at the gates of Konoha by 5 AM tomorrow morning- Neji narrowed his eyes, a tad irked. That was when he washed his hair, damn it!
-where you will meet your team members. This is a mission requiring- Chouji dropped the scroll in his lap and fumbled for a bag of chips as smears of grease darkened the edges of the paper. Where the hell were those Fritos?
-an unusually large team and you must not depart until all members have arrived. TenTen hurriedly skimmed the rest of the report before turning to her mirror. She was going out to meet a certain someone in just a few minutes and those buns had to be perfect!
"'Each member has a different section of a map that will guide you to your destination.'" Naruto mused aloud over his instant noodles. This was the first mission in weeks and it was seemed pretty weird. He didn't have much time to mull over the rest of it, though, as a sultry voice wafted into the kitchen, reminding him that his next "assignment" was down the hall, second door on the left.
"Baby, are you coming back to bed?"
"'The location is a secret of Konoha, and shall remain so at all costs.'" Kiba read slowly to Akamaru, pointing at each word as he said it. The dog's diagnosis of dyslexia had hit them both hard.
Setting his ant farm aside and pulling his pants back up, Shino eyed the parchment. Due to the importance of this mission, further details will be disclosed-
-upon arrival of the destination. No matter what happens on this mission- A glob of saliva blurred the next character as Shikamaru slumped forward in a stress-induced coma. He'd gotten quite used to the lull in missions, you see.'
-remember that you are serving Konoha's best interests. Hinata swallowed as a chilly finger traced her spine. Maybe her father had finally resorted to bribing Hokage-sama to kill her under the guise of "serving Konoha."
"'The success of this mission is crucial – Konoha is counting on you. Good luck.'" Ino and Sakura finished in unison, each scrutinizing their own scrolls.
Sakura snagged a fry from Ino's plate, ignoring the spiteful look thrown her way as she munched thoughtfully. "I wonder what this is all about. Mission summons aren't usually this dramatic."
"A large team means it must be pretty serious. I wonder if one of Akatsuki's demons got loose or something," Ino gestured for the waitress to bring the tab. Collecting her things, she mentioned, "Well, I've gotta run. I have a hot date."
Before Sakura could swallow her (stolen) fry and inquire further, Ino waved sweetly and slipped out into the street. Moments later, the portly waitress set the bill down, eyeballing Sakura expectantly. Don't take my fries, bitch.
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And so ends the first chapter. You should let me know what you think of it so far.
I promise there will be fewer line breaks in the next one!