The Greatest Literary Masterpiece of All Time
By Nick Flavor
Act I
Sally was big. The next big American Idol, or so everyone thought. She had a secret. Not only was she Sally Docksberry,18 year old, blonde hair, blue eyed singing wonder, but she was also Max, the Correr's family dog. On her weekends she put on a nice blue collar, about 2 inches thick, scruffed her hair up, and crawled over to 8280 Melbrook Lane. It was her favorite part of her life. They would take her for walks in the park. Sometimes they scratched her behind the ears. Sometimes they played fetch with her. This is the story of her life.
Sally Docksberry, born January 5th, 2087, to Sheila and Sheila Docksberry, was always a lovely and quiet girl. Perhaps not quiet by choice, as she always heard strange voices in her head. Bill Cosby was one of these voices. Sometimes Bill Cosby would talk to her and give her little comedy bits and such.
Sally loved Jello.
Sometimes Mr. Cosby would talk about experiences he had had or things people had said to him. Kids say the darndest things! Like little Jimmy. Little Jimmy will sing "Yankee Doodle Dandy" for a Snickers bar. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm trailing a bit. This is the story of Sally Docksberry, not Jimmy Leysta. My bad.
Sally was also a Jedi. At the young age of 4 she was taken by the Jedi Council and sent to Courscant, to train with the Jedi Masters. Jedis are so freaking awesome. Oooohhh, Jedis. Anyways, she was very strong in the Force. Selkath Jedi Master Vershook was quick to notice this when he visited her home planet of Nicktopia, and promptly exclaimed, "Garshook hchkhch vershckh!" He only spoke his native Selkath, of course.
I'm sure you're a bit confused right now. How does Sally eventually become a Jedi dog? Listen child, for I will tell you.
Upon arriving on Courscant, Sally immediatley found Yoda and punched him in the face. She then stole his lightsaber, and left the planet.
Sally had somehow acquired the ancient Sith master Braph Jasra's flagship. For a ship that was thousands of years old, it still ran pretty well. It was a magnificent purple spacecraft. It started at a square hull and sleekly sloped backwards into a dull point.
Act II
The flag ship voard past a barren water planet. Earth was the official Republic name. Although Sally was only 6, she had still managed to read a great deal about the universe in the flagships databases. At one time it was apparently a thriving planet, but then an evil ruler had overthrown the world's government. He was known only as King C.
Suddenly, a distress call from the Jello man, "Shoobie doobie Sally! You've finally come to Earth! You must come down here and save me!" After his years of guidance, Sally had no choice but to go down to Earth to save her beloved Cosby. She turned off her thrusters, turned on her docking ray, then slowly swiveled the ship down to the Earth's surface. She landed roughly on top of an old school building. She flung herself out of her ship, and went flying right through a glass ceiling. BAM! She had landed right in the school's computer lab.
The computers were antiqued and old, covered with quotes by an apparent ruler of old named Morris. The dirty yellow walls were covered with a light green moss, and bits of light shone in through the broken glass ceiling, illuminating the dust murking through the air, even though the sky was mostly overcast. No human had been here in years. She explored this upper floor to discover that the elevator had broken down long ago, so she was forced to do things the old fashioned way.
Sally sighed, and walked down the stairs.
This first floor had obviously been up kept a lot longer than the upper floor had. Purple and green stripes lined the tiled ground. An old decrepit carpet covered an area just past here, but parts of the floor had dropped out, so she dared not walk on it, although some footprints around the holes made it look as if someone had been here recently. To her right were some doors. It was chilly here, and she did not like the feeling the building radiated. She shook a bit in her Nordstrom's 'New Balance "KV609" Cross Training Shoes'. She exited the building.
Act III
Sally wandered through the abandoned city, following the directions given to her in her head. Mr. Cosby was such a great direction giver. Sally betted that he used to drive on all of his family's old road trips. He would have been good at that. Just sitting there shouting out directions. Oh wait, you know who else did that? Hitler.
She finally came to a large, old building. It had a large dusty white tarp sign hanging across it's front, that read, "Vancouver Mall Palace". Vines and moss tangled themselves down it's old brick walls. The bricks of the building had all molded and rotted together to form one lumpy, solid green barrier. Sally scaled the building, grabbing vines for support along with using her Force powers to propel her upward. On the top of the building she found a glass ceiling. She threw herself through it. It shattered with a crash. BAM! She had landed in a school computer lab. Kidding. She had actually landed on an escalator. A very moving, very painful working escalator. Her head hit hard against the metal of the moving stairs, and she blacked out.
When she awoken, she was in a throne room. It was a large room, all covered in gold. An exquisite nobleman stepped forward and offered Sally his hand, in assistance to get up. She slapped his hand away, then proceeded to stand up and jump kick him in the face. This wasn't a gold room. But a stone wall room painted yellow. It looked as if she really was in a castle, and not an abandoned mall. She examined the nobleman's body more carefully, and noticed that he had a sword, and a nametag. An odd combination. The nametag read, 'Aragorn'. Sally suddenly realized where she was. Of course! She had awoken into the land of clichéd medieval stories! She then proceeded to break her own neck. She fell to the ground, and everything whirred around her.
Act IV
When she awoke again, it was a substantial amount of time later. 2 years it had seemed, at the least. Her clothes no longer fit, but luckily her hair was long enough to cover her entire body. She was lying in a blue triangle of light. Out of the triangle, everything was black, and she thought it best not to leave the safety of her shaped safety of light. Sally stayed in this triangle of light of weeks, eating nothing but her overgrown fingernails and toenails. They were rich with protein, and luckly were not too painful to swallow. Finally, the blackness outside of her triangle lit up, to reveal an old time worn maze of books, with overly fluorescent lighting. She was probably still in the mall.
Before her was a table, and behind that table, was a chair, and behind that chair, was a person, and behind that person, was another person, and behind that person, was a ladder, and behind that ladder, was a goat, and behind that goat, was a turkey, and behind that turkey, was a table, and behind that table, was a chair. And in that chair, sat a man. And on that man, sat a crown. The table the chair the person the person the ladder the goat the turkey the table and a previously unseen pig all moved out of the way, revealing the chair with the man and the crown.
He was a young man, probably only about 236 years old, and his crown was made out of teeth. He spoke with a booming, squabbling voice, "Oh hi there Sally. I am the evil ruler of the planet Earth, King C. And now, you will dance for me." Sally was unsure of why this evil man wanted her to dance, but she felt some sort of deep kindness within him, so she felt obliged to fulfill his wishes. Sally danced many a dance. She danced the foxtrot, the salsa, the c-walk, the macarena, the electric slide, and she even started to do some line dancing, but King C started dying when she did this horrible excuse for a dance, so she went back to the c-walk.
Finally, after what seemed to be years but had really only been a minute, King C stopped her. "I have an announcement," he announced. The table the chair the person the person the ladder the goat the turkey the table the pig and the previously unseen DVD turned to face him. "This is a girl and her name is Sally. Many of you have known me as King C for several years, but I have known Sally for even longer, under a different name, and that name is Bill Cosby. Sha doobie boobie." Sally gasped. How could it be that her beloved man of wisdom, was also a crooked ruler, who had enslaved and killed many, and had only allowed a table a chair a person a person a ladder a goat a turkey a table a pig a DVD and previously unseen deleted footage attached to a piece of paper to live? Such cruelty was hard to love. But some how she did. She loved this man. Her eight year old heart loved this old, 236 year old wrinkled sack of love. Suddenly, a blade fell from the ground. How can something fall from the ground you ask? Well I'm not sure, I'm just telling you what happened. So this blade fell from the ground. It was a mighty blade, eight inches long, and two feet wide. Maybe spike is a better word. Ok. A mighty spike fell from the ground. It hit Cosby in the head, splitting him in half. He died. Sally was stunned. Speechless. What had she, what had she, what had she done to deserve this? She was unsure, but she knew the killing of her lovable huggy bunny Cosby could only be the work of one person. No, not John Stossel. SATAN.
Act V
Enraged, Sally ran back to her flagship, which took quite some time because she kept getting lost without Bill Cosby's directions. She arrived back at the school, dashed in the doors, past the creepy man standing in the hallway that she hadn't seen before, into the computer lab, back through the broken glass sky light, and into her ship. The ship rose upwards, the purple topped grey jets of smoke twirling out below as the ship swirled above out of the atmosphere. Sally pulled the controls back, pointing the ship straight towards to the ground. She turned on the thrusters, hurtling Braph Jasra's flagship to the ground. At the speed she was going, the front of the ship started to burn and melt, a swirl of heated colors pushing back through the hull. Soon, the ship smashed into the Earth's surface. Sally flew through the front of the ship, her atoms separating, moving through the dirt and into the middle of the Earth, the Earth's core. Her body reformed in this hot and burning place. She was in a large, red tainted rock cave. This was Hell.
Act V, part 2
Sally drew her lightsaber. Her eight year old hands trembled with the power of the blade which she held. The light purple beam shone upon the red rocks of Hell. From a bend in the cave, a dark figure approached. "I AM SATAN!" said Satan. 'Perhaps it is Satan,' thought Sally. 'But how is it then, that Satan also looks like the 1970's disco queen Aretha Franklin?' "Oobie doughby don't worry!" said Bill Cosby. "Cosby! You're still alive!" exclaimed Sally! Satan Aretha Franklin cocked her head sideways, quizzitively. "I never really left you child. I just figured that for literary purposes it would be better if I had disappeared for awhile to create tension and some sort of plot, because that is what this story clearly lacks, this is a run on sentence. Sha-dooby-boobie, I'm Bill Cosby!"
Satan drew her own lightsaber, it's red blade shining on the red rocks of Hell, not that you would notice, because if something red shines on something red, then the end result is of course red, not that that changed the base color, which was red. ANYWAYS…. Sally, upon seeing that Satan had a lightsaber of her own, did the thing that anybody also in her position would have done. And that is, of course, turned into a robot. Sally arms were slashed off, and in their place, new, sleek, purple, metallic arms took control. Her legs were next to go. And then her torso, and neck. Until her entire body was a new and complete form, Mecha-Sally. "BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHA!" cried Satan, "YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A NATURAL SATAN!" Mecha-Sally twirled her blade in her hand, only further provoking Franklin Satan. "Shall we do this the old fashioned way, Satan?" "YES, LETS! AFTER ALL, I AM SATAN!" "It is settled then," announced Mecha-Sally, "Demons of the underworld, I have challenged your leader! Gather around to see your one true ruler destroyed!" Deep from within the red rocks of Hell, a black shadow started to rise, covering the stony walls, but not blocking out any of the fiery light. It reached miles and miles and miles up to the top of the Hell cave, and met itself at the top. Apparently, only one, extremely large person had ever died and gone to Hell. But no, this single demon started to split in two. A mighty roar filled the caves and echoed off of the walls. The one demon had become dos. And what was more, these two new pieces were also splitting. Again and again the demon split, until hundreds of thousands of millions of shadow creatures filled the walls. They each started moving about in a frenzied pace, hissing and cheering. Sally wondered what the point of combining the souls of all those who had gone to Hell was, if they were only to be taken apart again. Eternal damnation without logic, apparently.
"This battle is to be settled the old fashioned way!" announced Mecha Sally, "Which is, of course, a d20 Dungeons and Dragons style dice roll off. I will start off with 20 chain mail, and Satan will start with 11 gauntlets." "No fair!" cried Satan, "I'm…. I'm freaking Satan! C'mon! 11 gauntlets? HAHA! I'M SATAN DUDE! I get 30 leather robes!" "No, no, no. No cheating, Aretha Franklin Satan!" said Sally. Satan, so angered by what she saw as a great and terrible injustice, killed herself.
THE END!