TITLE: 'Friends are Over Rated' (1/1)
AUTHOR: Cindy ()
RATING: A
CHARACTERS: Toby, Sam, CJ, and Josh
SUMMARY: Toby is against cell phones
DISCLAIMER: The characters used from the West Wing do not belong to me; they are the property of Aaron Sorkin.
Toby was sitting in his office reading over a few documents when Sam came into his office. Toby put the documents down and greeted Sam who was taking a seat on Toby's couch.
"How are things going this morning Toby?"
"Fine, how about yourself?"
"Great, great. I managed to finish the report on the penny problem."
"Sam, that was never really a problem. You know that right?"
"Toby there is a point to that though. You really should read my report, it is well written if I say so myself."
"As much as I would love to read a report on pennies I think I will pass that offer up."
"Are CJ and Josh here yet?"
Toby glanced around his office and then back to Sam. "Do you see them Sam?"
Feeling somewhat foolish Sam whispered No. Ten seconds later Toby could hear CJ and Josh squabbling on their way to his office.
"Here they come now, figures they would have to make a grand entrance," Toby said to Sam.
"What entrance?" Josh asked as he stepped into the office. "What did I miss?"
"I was just telling Sam that I knew you guys were coming. We could practically smell you coming despite the fact that we and everybody else in the West Wing could hear you coming." Toby replied.
"Smell us coming? What does that mean?" CJ asked.
"For your information I showered not more than an hour ago. And this time I used soap," Josh explained to those in the room.
"And if you are referring to me Toby it's my perfume," CJ replied.
"I know it is," Toby responded.
"And I smell lovely," she stated.
"Yes, you do CJ." Toby replied.
"You bet your ass I do." CJ said.
"Before we get going on this have any of you seen my cell phone? I can't find it and Donna claims she hasn't seen it." Josh asked.
"No," was the response from both Sam and CJ. Toby didn't answer. Josh looked at Toby waiting for him to say no as well. When he didn't Josh asked Toby specifically if he had seen Josh's cell phone.
"I don't do cell phones Josh so why would I take yours?"
"You don't do cell phones? Is that like some kind of a joke or something?" Josh asked.
"No it isn't a joke. I don't like cell phones and if I didn't have to use one for work when it is necessary I wouldn't use them at all. I don't even have one for personal use."
"Sure you do. I have seen you with one before." Sam offered.
"No Sam, what you saw me with is a cell phone from HERE. When I have to communicate with the staff I have it on me. I do not own one."
"Why? What did the cell phone ever do to you?" CJ asked.
"Nothing, I just don't like them."
"C'mon Toby, there is more to this than your not liking them. Have you ever owned one before?" Josh asked.
"Yes, and it was a one time thing."
"Hmm, I never would have taken you for a one nighter." CJ said.
Toby didn't get a chance to respond as he was asked more questions about his lack of care for the cell phone. One of the technologies greatest inventions in the eyes of Sam and Josh.
"What happened when you had the cell phone?" Sam questioned.
"What does it matter? There are more interesting things that we could discuss besides my hating a cell phone."
"Okay so you hate a cell phone for no reason and we are just supposed to accept that as your crappy reason?" Josh asked.
"If you must know then it ruined a marriage. Okay! A cell phone ruined a marriage of two people that I was close to. Now, can we move on."
Again in chorus the three co-workers of Toby sang out a loud NO. Toby looked at each one and realized that nothing was going to be accomplished until he explained to them why a marriage was ruined.
"Fine. You want to know the whole dirty story I will tell you. A friend of mine was on the phone with me, a CELL PHONE, when their spouse ran into me and started talking about the affair they had. There are you happy?"
"Not in the least, keep going Pokey." CJ pushed.
"But I just told you-"
"No, you gave us a small plot to a G rated TV movie, when this story is actually an rated R kind of box office movie. That's what you told us." Josh interrupted.
"Trust me you don't want to hear about this. Besides, you have better stories than anyone I have ever met Josh."
"Yeah but mine don't revolve around lost marriages and the boycott of an electronic. An awesome electronic mind you."
Toby knew that they wanted more and that he was going to have to give it up and tell them the whole embarrassing story. He was more concerned about the story getting out and hurting his reputation.
"You have to promise me that you will not let this story leave this room. I don't want it to ruin my reputation."
Josh started giggling and bouncing on his part of the sofa. "Woohoo, this is gonna be a doozy." Toby ignored the childlike Josh Lyman, cleared his throat and began his story of shame.
"My friend called me to see if I was interested in going to the Yankee game, which of course I was. But I didn't get to respond because my other friend showed up in person an hour early catching me off guard, and blurted out information incriminating herself into having an affair."
"You have a friend that is a girl?" Sam asked.
"I HAD a friend. Had being the key word."
"Yeah but it was a girl?" Josh asked.
"So what. CJ's a girl and I consider her to be my friend." Toby held his arm out towards CJ.
"I am not a girl Toby. I am a woman. It's about time you boys started taking notice of that too. Your calling her a girl is probably the real reason why she isn't your friend anymore, you didn't respect her enough."
"I respected her fine. It was her husband I didn't respect enough it seems."
"Why? Did you tell him about the affair? Oh that is bad Toby, bad." Sam said.
"No. Telling her husband was the last thing I wanted to do. But when she approached me I was on the phone with him and he overheard everything. Every detail. I tried to hang the damn thing up but I couldn't without seeing it and I was trying to hide it from Lexi."
"Who is Lexi?" CJ asked.
"The naughty WOMAN having an affair," Josh told her. "This is so exciting!"
"So Lexi was having an affair and she confessed to you in-where were you anyways when she approached you?"
"I was in a bar."
"How did she know which bar to find you?" Sam asked.
"Because that was the bar we had decided to meet at."
"You were meeting your friends wife at a bar? Alone?" Josh asked.
Toby didn't answer which pretty much gave them their answer.
"Toby, that is a cardinal rule. Thou shall not go to bars with a friend's wife." Josh cried out.
"Toby you didn't?" Sam whispered.
"How about we get off the Toby bandwagon. I am not the bad guy here."
"From where I see this going, I don't see you coming out like Mr. Roger's that's for sure." Josh said.
"Toby, did you sleep with your friend's wife?" CJ came right out and asked.
CJ, Sam and Josh waited with baited breath for Toby to respond. He debated on just throwing them out but then thought against it when he realized that these were his friends and that these particular friends would understand.
"Yes I did. I am not proud of my actions and I have already punished myself for what I did so don't even think of starting with a lecture-SAM."
"Me?" Sam asked pointing to himself. "Toby I wouldn't lecture you, not after you came clean and confessed. Besides, I slept with a call girl, who the hell am I to give a lecture?"
"Anyways, I don't use cell phones because of that, and I never told anyone about Lexi and I either. I didn't want it to hurt my reputation like I mentioned earlier."
"I hate to break it to you Toby, but you don't have a reputation. Not a good anyways. Maybe if you start telling people about you and a woman not your Mrs., you might be able to build one up?" Josh suggested.
"Can I ask you one question Toby? Why? Why would you sleep with a woman who had given her vows to another man? There are plenty of women out there for you, why did you have to ruin this individual?" CJ questioned sounding a bit hysterical.
"I didn't mean to I-."
"No of course not. You slipped and the next thing you knew you were screwing her!" CJ looked astonished at her own words. Toby quickly moved his head in CJ's direction.
"It wasn't exactly like that, jeez CJ don't be afraid to hold back or anything." Toby said startled about how CJ was handling this information.
"So then how did it all happen? Did she go out of her way to seduce you?" Josh smiled at his idea glancing over at Sam for approval. When he didn't get it from Sam, Josh looked back at Toby and said, "Man that would be so wild to have a woman actually seduce you. Well not you, me, but I guess it might be nice for you too."
"We get it Romeo." CJ snapped at Josh.
"She didn't seduce me and I didn't seduce her. If she didn't look so much like Cher it never would have happened," Toby mumbled.
"Cher? Oh man you have got to be kidding me. This is too funny." Josh gave a chuckle.
"Cher's kind of nice, I like her music too." Sam quipped.
"Don't get me wrong, Cher rocks. Especially that tongue of hers. Just thinking about it gives me goosebumps." Josh teased.
"Josh you are pathetic, and move over you are squishing my legs." CJ yelled at Josh.
"I got you to hold my hand, I've got you to understand-" Sam begin singing softly.
Josh joined in singing, ""I got you to walk with me."
"And I've got you to talk with me." CJ sang looking at Josh. Sam continued with "I got you to kiss good night."
Josh stood up and using his fist as a microphone screamed out "I got you to hold me tight." He held onto the last note a lot longer than he should have giving it a shrieking sound that was somewhat deafening. Toby winced and started waving his arms so that he could get Sam, Josh and CJ's attention and began yelling ENOUGH!
All three looked up at Toby who in return was watching the three of them. "You are ruining the song and I don't usually have a problem with people who try to ruin Cher's songs; however when you do it in my own office….. well then I have a problem."
"Because we are singing Sonny and Cher? Are we that bad?" Sam asked.
"Well we no longer have a rat problem since they have all ran out of the building seeking shelter from your voices." Toby answered.
"That hurts Toby. You have an affair with a Cher wannabe and we get insulted. I am stumped as to why you can't hold onto a friend. It just floors me when you are so nice and witty." Sam snapped at Toby.
"Is that why you slept with her Toby? Because she looked like Cher?" CJ asked.
"It wasn't so much that she looked like Cher it was-nah, it was the fact that she looked like Cher. Who am I kidding? I have been in love with Cher since I was a teenager."
"Cher? Of all the people in the world you chose Cher to be your wet dream as a kid?" Josh asked.
Disgusted CJ groaned and slapped Josh across the head, making Josh give out a loud OW kind of sound.
"Who was yours then Josh?" Sam asked.
"Me. Well I can tell you now it sure as hell wasn't Cher." Josh wrapped his arms around his head as he stretched out and pondered Sam's question. "Barbra Streisand." He said.
"Barbra Streisand?" Toby choked out while Sam and CJ laughed hysterically on the sofa.
Josh answered yes getting a little defensive, he glanced over at CJ who had tears in her eyes and then over to Sam who looked like a beet he was so red faced. He bolted up into a sitting position and asked, "What is so wrong with Barbra Streisand? The woman just so happens to be one of the most talented singers ever. And besides, my mom and Joanie used to love singing and dancing to her music."
Still laughing Sam asked, "Was Barbra the reason you wanted to be a ballerina?" CJ and Toby were slapping their legs with laughter and Sam too began to laugh harder than he previously was, if that could be possible.
"I will have you know that there has yet to be a woman whose vocal range can outdo Barb's." Josh said defending his beloved Barbra Streisand.
"Barb? Are we on a first name basis with our dream gal now?" Toby questioned.
"Okay, Okay, Sam! Your turn, who was your musical idol while growing up?" Josh asked trying to get the attention off of him.
"Madonna." Sam answered quickly.
"Madonna? She wasn't out when you were a kid." CJ said.
"I know that. But when she first came out I was in awe of her. To this day I still am, I adore her. I think she is a very talented artist."
"Well she does have good music," CJ agreed.
"And her body—" Josh chipped in.
"Her business sense is of one to admire. She is a very intelligent woman if you ask me." Toby supplied the group with. They all stood taking in the admiration each had for Madonna.
"That leaves CJ left to supply us with her teen idol. This ought to be good. Did they have a whole football team that sang too?" Josh teased.
CJ elbowed Josh in the stomach and then stood up. "For your information you little weasel I was not easy in high school."
"You're not easy now." Toby mumbled.
CJ whipped around to face Toby, "What was that Pokey?" she was daring him to repeat. Toby swallowed hard and shook his head to inform her that he had nothing to say. When she turned her back on him to face Sam and Josh, Toby closed his eyes and exhaled slowly.
"I happened to enjoy the musical and acting talent of Shaun Cassidy." CJ answered, proud of who her idol had been.
Toby, Sam and Josh began laughing at CJ's choice of performer. CJ watched them begin to act wildly as they slapped hand, legs, chests and furniture of various sorts while amusing themselves at CJ's expense.
"Shaun Cassidy is better than your picks that's for sure. He could kick Cher and Madonna's ass."
"He'd have to come back from the dead first." Josh cried out making the boys hoot and holler louder. Trying to fight tears Sam said, "Didn't he like die out after his first album?"
"I don't think you guys are funny. In fact I think you are all stupid and immature." CJ said furiously.
"We're sorry CJ. We didn't mean to make fun of Shaun Cassidy on you." Sam apologized.
"I am not apologizing for making fun of Shaun Cassidy. He sucks." Toby stated.
"Yeah no guff," Josh remarked.
CJ turned to Josh and asked, "Did you just say no guff?"
"No guff? I haven't heard that expression since the '80's." Sam said.
"No guff? Is that even from the '80's?" Toby asked.
"I think so. Remember all the sayings they used to have on those shirts that glowed?" Sam asked.
"I remember them. They had one that said Relax or something like that too." Josh replied.
"Oh yes, and all the girls wore matching neon socks. They came in orange, yellow and green if I recall correctly. I almost went blind when those damn ugly things came out." Toby answered.
"Ah excuse me-boys? I would like to go back to the no guff comment that Mr. Lyman barked out." CJ said.
"I think they became popular because of that Wham group." Josh said.
"I remember Wham. You put the boom-boom into my heart, you send my soul sky high when your lovin' starts." Sam had begun singing and snapping his fingers.
"Jitterbug into my brain, goes a bang-bang-bang 'til my feet do the same," Josh chimed in also snapping his fingers and tapping his foot.
Toby continued on with, "But something's bugging you, something ain't right, my best friend told me what you did last night." And he began moving his body to the beat inside his head.
"Left me sleepin' in my bed I was dreaming, but I should have been with you instead." Sang Sam who was also bopping to the music within himself.
CJ, Toby, Josh and Sam then sang in chorus and began dancing all over Toby's office:
"Wake me up before you go-go don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo, wake me up before you go-go, I don't want to miss it when you hit that high wake me up before you go-go, 'cause I'm not plannin' on going solo wake me up before you go-go, Take me dancing tonight."
CJ, Toby and Sam held on to the last note and alone Josh sang in a high pitched voice, "I wanna hit that high (yeah, yeah)."
Standing unknown to these four at the door of Toby's office, that had now become opened without their knowledge was Leo McGarry and the President of the United States. The President backed up a bit and looking at his Chief of Staff asked, "How come we've never been friends like that Leo."
Leo had just finished closing the door quietly so that the quartet wouldn't notice that they had been there, and replied to not only his President but his friend as well, "Friends are over rated." Together the two of them began their walk back to the Oval Office where all was normal.