Looking back, Bellamy couldn't remember what day of the week it happened on. He could tell you what the weather was like (Sunny, without a cloud in sight.), he could tell you exactly what he had been doing (Helping inventory the food stores, they were running low on berries. He would have to form a search party later.), but he couldn't remember the goddamn day of the week.
It was at least a month after the threat of the Grounders attack. They had been prepared to flee, but were then caught off guard at how quickly the attack came. Still, they stood their ground and ended up holding out long enough for their opponents to give up and pull back. They had gotten through with minimal casualties and most of the camp still intact. Later, there had even been some tentative negotiations between the Grounders and the 100. Since then, everything had been relatively peaceful. Until now, apparently.
It started when Finn came in through the gate, screaming. Normally he would've ignored such a thing because, let's face it, Spacewalker was one dramatic son of a bitch, but this time something felt different. Finn sounded more frantic than he usually did, and that was saying something. It then occurred to him that he and Clarke were out in the woods looking for more herbs for her to-
Clarke.
The thought struck him like a blow. No, it couldn't be. He had just gotten her back from almost losing her, she couldn't be hurt. Nonetheless, as he pushed his way through the crowd he saw Clarke lying limp in Finn's arms as he struggled to make his way to the dropship.
"Make some room! Get out of the way!" Bellamy shouted angrily. Immediately, the crowd parted and Finn rushed through. Octavia and Raven weren't far behind him having heard the commotion and come to see what was wrong.
When the group made it into the dropship and Finn gently set Clarke on the metal table in the corner they had taken to using as a makeshift infirmary, everyone gathered around her.
Except Bellamy.
He stayed behind everyone else and started to pace. He couldn't lose Clarke, he just couldn't. The last time he had tried to lead without her had been a nightmare. He had almost fallen apart completely, and in front of the entire camp no less. Plus, after fighting together he and Clarke had grown even closer, if that was possible. There was something about facing what seemed like imminent death together that really united people. There was something between them now that neither of them could deny. Now it was just a matter of who made the first move.
After this, Bellamy thought to himself, I'm not going to wait anymore.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, in the part that wasn't panicking, he heard the voices of the others in the room discussing what had happened.
"I-I don't exactly know. One minute, everything was fine, the next I heard her scream and when I turned around she had fallen. When I found her she was about ten feet down in a hole with rocks at the bottom. She was unconscious, God, she wouldn't wake up. It must've been an old Grounder trap from before we drew the new boundaries." That was Finn. No matter how much Bellamy may have disliked him, he had to admit that Finn did care about Clarke and right now, he certainly sounded worried.
Bellamy stopped pacing and walked over to the table. He looked at his sister. She had grown up a lot since she first stepped off the dropship and onto the ground. After Bellamy had refused to let her learn how to fight for fear of her getting hurt Clarke had decided that she would teach her everything she knew about healing, saying that if she couldn't defend the camp she could still help somehow. As he looked at her now, he knew that if anyone could save Clarke now it would be Octavia.
"What are her injuries?" he asked, concern heavy in his voice. She looked up at him and immediately his heart dropped. The look on the younger Blake's face was not one of hope.
"Bell.." she said, trailing of as her voice caught.
"O, what are her injuries?" he said more forcefully this time. Octavia sighed resignedly.
"She has a major head wound, that's where most of the blood is coming from. From what I can tell she also broke her arm, her ankle, and multiple ribs. Her breathing is ragged and uneven, so…" she trailed off. During her explanation her eyes had drifted away from Bellamy's gaze. Now, she looked back at him, and he wished she hadn't. Her eyes were full of pain as she finished her diagnosis. "So that might mean she punctured a lung. There might be internal bleeding. The fall messed her up pretty bad." When she finished she had tears streaming down her cheeks. Meanwhile all the blood had drained form Bellamy's face.
"What can we do for her?" Jasper's voice was soft and afraid. Bellamy looked over, having forgotten that the others were there. Jasper and Monty looked utterly lost and Raven looked like she wanted to hit something or someone.
"I don't know." Octavia responded. "Clarke never taught me what to do in this situation." Suddenly, Bellamy snapped.
"What do you mean you don't know?! There has to be something we can do! I won't accept that you don't know. You have to figure something out!" Everyone looked surprised at his outburst, especially Octavia. He shook his head and tried again. "You have to O," his voice was much softer now, all the fight seeming to have left him. "I-I can't do this without her…" he trailed off, hanging his head in despair. He looked back up when he felt a hand on his arm. When he turned to the side he was surprised to find Raven standing by his side. He was struck once again that he had failed to recall that he and Octavia weren't the only ones in the room. He was saved from his embarrassment when he saw the look in Raven's eyes, one that said she understood.
"I'll do everything I can, Bell. I'll splint her wounds and stitch her head, but…" she trailed off again when she saw Bellamy shaking his head, silently asking her not to finish that sentence.
With that she turned away to tend to Clarke and the others slowly trailed out of the dropship, trying to find something to distract themselves with. Pretty soon only Bellamy remained. He sat down in a chair on the far side of the room and prepared to wait.
"Please, Clarke." He whispered to himself. "Please."
Bellamy awoke to a hand shaking his shoulder. He shot up quickly and turned to see Octavia standing over him. He shook the sleep off of him and looked at his sister hopefully, but those hopes were quickly dashed to pieces.
"What happened?" he asked breathlessly.
"She's awake." Was the only reply. He jumped out of his seat and rushed to the side of the table where Clarke still rested. He didn't know why Octavia sounded so hopeless, because shouldn't Clarke waking up be a good thing. That was until he saw her.
She lay there on the table, her eyes half lidded and yet still full of pain. Every breath she took seemed painful. When her gaze locked with his he could see the recognition flash behind her eyes. Her lips moved like she was trying to from words, but no sound came out. Bellamy felt something and when he looked down he found her hand grasping at his. He quickly joined their hands and looked back at her.
"Bell-Bellamy," she said, so softly that he would've missed it if he weren't so totally and completely focused on her.
"I'm here, princess. You're fine. You just fell in a hole like the giant klutz we both know you are." he said, trying to inject humor into his voice and failing. She smiled weakly at the insult and gripped his hand tightly as a wince went through her body. His chest clenched at the sight of her, his strong warrior so broken, so in pain.
"I-I can't-" her words were cut off by a hacking cough that shook her entire body. When she calmed again blood stained her lips and chin. Bellamy gently used his sleeve to wipe it away. "I can't do this anymore, Bellamy." she tried again. Her voice was so soft that he had to lean towards her to hear it. "It's too much." He squeezed her hand tightly as his heart constricted at her words.
Suddenly, Bellamy was reminded of Atom in the woods. How he had begged for death and Clarke had given it to him when Bellamy couldn't. He began to shake his head as if to clear the memory from his head. He didn't want to see the glaring similarities. Clarke opened her mouth one last time.
"I'm sorry." she muttered before her eyes drifted shut and her hand went limp in his grip. Her breathes slowed until her cheat was longer moving.
His head dropped down onto the table in front of him. He could still feel the heat rolling off her body like it was some sick joke. Like she was still breathing and everything would be okay.
All of the sudden Bellamy couldn't take it anymore. He felt like he was suffocating and he had to get out of there. Now. He dodged Octavia who was reaching for his arm and stormed out of the dropship. Heads turned as he made his way purposefully through camp and out of the gate. Dusk had fallen when he had slept and fires were being lit, yet he didn't see any of it.
Tears started to stream down his cheeks the moment he cleared the gate. He kept walking, though he didn't know where it was he was walking to. It wasn't until his tears blurred his vision so completely that he could no longer see the path in front of him that he stopped. He fell down on his knees and screamed. He screamed until his lungs burned and his throat was hoarse. He didn't care that everyone at camp would most likely be able to hear him and that they would all know why he was screaming. He didn't care that they might see this as a weakness or anything else they would think about him. Right now, he just needed to let go.
After he couldn't scream anymore he sat there and let his mind wander. He latched onto memories of her laughing, of her scowling, of her yelling, mostly at him. He thought about everything that made Clarke who she is.
Was, his brain reminded him. A reminder he promptly pushed away.
He thought about everything that he and Clarke had been through and now that she was gone, what life would be like without her.
Abruptly, anger coursed through him. How dare she leave him like this, without anyone to help him? How could she be so selfish? To leave him all alone. He stood up and pulled his axe off his belt. He turned toward one of the trees and threw the axe as hard as he could. When it stuck, he walked over and pulled it out again. He began hacking at the trunk, over and over, taking out all of his anger and frustration on the tree. Pretty soon there was a sizable gap where most of the trunk used to be.
When he stopped, his breath was coming in short gasps and his arms were aching. He leaned his head against the rough bark, not caring when it dug into his skin.
He whirled around when he heard footsteps behind him and found, of all people, Raven walking towards him.
"You okay?" she asked before shaking her head. "Sorry, stupid question. It's a reflex, you know?' Bellamy didn't respond, only sat down with his back to the tree he had just been brutally attacking. Raven came over and sat down beside him. After a beat she turned towards him.
"Did you love her?' she asked bluntly. He looked in her direction, not having expected those words to come out of her mouth. He opened his mouth to say that , no, he didn't, but stopped himself.
"I think I could have." he said softly. Raven said nothing, only nodded. Bellamy got the feeling he knew exactly how he was feeling right now, she just knew how to hide it better than he did.
"What now?" she asked looking out into the trees. He laughed softly to himself. That was the question wasn't it?
"I don't know." he replied. He felt drained, like he no longer had anything left in him. He didn't know how to lead the camp on his own. He didn't know how to tell everyone that Clarke was dead. He felt like he didn't know anything anymore.
And sitting there in the woods right then, he didn't care either.