Scene 1
Credits. There is some smoky writing. Mandalay pictures presents... blah blah
blah... A Tim Burton Film
TIM BURTON FANS: Squeeeee!
EVERYBODY ELSE: Oh crap.
We see some kind of red liquid dropping on something brown.
OBSESSIVE AUDIENCE MEMBERS: No way is that blood.
A young hand squeezes an old hand. We then see a will being written, and signed by a Peter Van Garret, witnessed by Jonathan Van Garret.
AUDIENCE: I suspect this is important information, so I'll try and remember. Meh, (they forget)
The will is folded up and the suspicious definitely-not-blood is dripped and sealed.
OBSESSIVE AUDIENCE MEMBERS: It was wax! I told you it wasn't blood!
AUDIENCE: Shut up.
Scene 2 The Van Garret carriage is riding along through cornfields to scary music. Peter Van Garret looks out the window and sees a scarecrow with a pumpkin head.
SCARECROW: I am Jack, the Pumpkin King! (he sings a song)
TIM BURTON FANS: Yay! It's Jack the Pumpkin King! HOORAY!
EVERYBODY ELSE: O_o
SCARECROW: Yeah, the Nightmare Before Christmas was my big moment. Now, I'm reduced to cameos in other Tim Burton films.
The carriage continues on. Lightning flashes, and the driver looks scared. He speeds up the horses.
PETER VAN GARRET: I swear that scarecrow talked. I must be going senile, good thing I just wrote my will.
We hear some weird swordy noises almost drowned out by the scary music. Peter Van Garret looks outside the carriage and sees his driver- headless.
DRIVER: Well that was the smallest role I ever played.
Peter Van Garret jumps off the carriage and begins to run through the cornfields. He bumps into the scarecrow.
TIM BURTON FANS: It's Jack again!
SCARECROW: You promised me a sequel Tim! GIVE ME MY SEQUEL!
A horse snorts. Peter Van Garret turns and his head is chopped off. We see blood splattered on the scarecrows face.
SCARECROW: Eew! Can I get someone from makeup here?
Scene 3
TIM BURTON: Okay, audience, you had most of the speaking parts in the first two scenes. Now SHUT UP AND LET ME MAKE MY ïâï¤ï¤ï¡ï¦ï²ï¥ï¡ï«ï©ï® MOVIE!
FANS: Yes, mister Burton sir.
New York City, 1799
MAN WITH VERY STUPID ENGLISH ACCENT: (ringing a bell) Hello! Somebody come over here so I can stop ringing this annoying bell!
Some coppers run over to Man With Very Stupid English Accent, who is kneeling over a dock and looking into what we can assume is the Thames. The shot changes and we realize that the Man With Very Stupid English Accent is in fact Johnny Depp.
JD FANS: Oh my god! *hyperventilate* will you listen to him! That accent is even better than Captain Jack Sparrow! *roll on floor laughing*
TIM BURTON: I thought I told you to shut up!
JD FANS: Yes, mister Burton sir.
JOHNNY: In this movie, due to Tim's twisted sense of humor, I have ended up with the name Ichabod Crane.
EVERYBODY: O_o
JOHNNY: But you can call me Icky.
EVERYBODY: O_O
A dead guy floats up out of the water. They drag him in to some kind of dungeon.
BOSSY DUDE: Burn the body.
ICKY: Wait! I want to chop it up and do weird things to it!
BOSSY DUDE: Why?
ICKY: Um... because...
BOSSY DUDE: You're not a necrophiliac, are you?
ICKY: I need to find out the cause of death! That's why! No necrophilia at all...
BOSSY DUDE: Tough luck, I'm mean and I'm related to Feo.
Scene 4
ICKY: Blah blah blah medieval torture... blah blah sense and justice...
BOSSY DUDE NUMBER TWO: Shut up or we'll throw you in the cells! Can't you see everybody's asleep?
ICKY: Let's use some science! Blah blah blah...
BOSSY DUDE NUMBER TWO: We're sending you off to Sleepy Hollow for some weird reason. Somebody make up a reason.
BOSSY DUDE: There have been a number of murders there, sir.
BOSSY DUDE NUMBER TWO: Perfect, go and get murdered, I mean, investigate! Yes. Investigate.
ICKY: Um... I liked the throw me in the cells idea better.
Scene 5
We see some very strange gadgets lying on a table. Ichabod packs them away. He then takes a cardinal out of its cage.
CARDINAL: Look! I'm an important symbol in this movie!
ICKY: Oh be quiet or I'll throw you out the window
CARDINAL: You wouldn't dare! I'm a symbol!
ICKY: Wanna bet?
He throws the cardinal out the window.
Scene 6 We see a rolling landscape, and Ichabod's carriage going past. Some very belated credits show up... 'Johnny Depp'...
JD FANS: Faint! Swoon! JOHNNY!!!
EVERYBODY ELSE: Will you guys just be quiet?!
The credits say some more stuff, and we see the carriage driving through some more credits... 'Christina Ricci'...'Sleepy Hollow'... 'Miranda Richardson'
BLACKADDER FANS: Say that again?
EVERYBODY ELSE: What, Miranda Richardson?
BLACKADDER FANS: Wait a minute...
Some more credits appear. We see Ichabod looking through his journal. There are maps and some drawings of what look like torture machines. The carriage continues, as do the credits.
DRIVER: I swear I've driven past this tree three times.
TIM BURTON: Shut up, we had more credits to roll than we expected.
Ichabod takes out a very strange looking metal device. Then he looks at some weird little scars on his hand.
SCARS: We are significant in the movie too! Remember us!
The carriage drives on into the night. They finally arrive at Sleepy Hollow. Ichabod walks in.
TIM BURTON FANS: Gee, this looks an awful lot like Halloween Town.
TIM BURTON: There were some budget cuts and we had to recycle the set.
FANS: I see.
Ichabod walks through the town, looking around. Everybody closes their windows on him.
ICKY: (in weird southern accent) I just wanted to fit in. (switching back to his deteriorating English accent) Hey! Look! A weird wooden bunker thingy. And a kid and his dad!
DAD AND KID: We are important like the scars and the cardinal and the Van Garrets!
ICKY: Yeah, whatever.
Ichabod keeps walking, past another pumpkin scarecrow.
JACK THE PUMPKIN KING/SCARECROW: It's me again! Hello!
TIM BURTON FANS: Hi Jack.
Ichabod walks up the hill and knocks on an Inn door. He sees two people kissing in the shadows.
PEOPLE KISSING IN THE SHADOWS: We are also significant! Like the scars and the cardinal and the Van Garrets and the dad and kid and...
ICKY: I know this is a mystery movie, but this is really getting stupid.
He enters the Inn. Katrina is dancing in circles with a blindfold on singing a weird song.
KATRINA: Oh! Look! Johnny Depp! I'd better make up some excuse to kiss him!
ICKY: Um. Right
She kisses him. Another guy called Brom stands and looks jealous.
BROM: Stay away from my girl!
ICKY: Shut up Cyclops. I mean Brom. Meh, same diff. Jealous boyfriend of the love interest. Now, I need to find Baltus Van Tassel for some reason.
KATRINA: Yeah, he's my dad. I'm Katrina Van Tassel.
BROM: And who the hell are you?
ICKY: Get stuffed.
Brom grabs Ichabod and is about to fight, but Baltus Van Tassel enters.
BALTUS: I'm now going to start an obnoxiously long banter about nothing in particular in my English accent that's even more annoying that Ichabod's was.
ICKY: I'm Ichabod Crane. I'm investigating the murders
LADY VAN TASSEL: How spiffing.
BLACKADDER FANS: It's Queenie! IT'S QUEENIE, LOOK! HAHA!
EVERYBODY ELSE: What?
BLACKADDER FANS: Never mind.
BALTUS: Right, you can crash here. But I'll say it properly because I'm supposed to be a posh English idiot.
Scene 7
Ichabod is in his rooms, unpacking various weird metal devices that make people with active imaginations cringe. He then comes down and enters a parlor. Baltus and Lady Van Tassel are standing there.
TIM BURTON FANS: See the swirly dress she's wearing? Sure sign of a Tim Burton movie, lots of pretty swirls.
NAJA (ALSO A TIM BURTON, BLACKADDER AND JD FAN): Give me that dress, Queenie!
BALTUS: (to Lady Van Tassel) Piss off, darling.
Lady Van Tassel obediently hurries away.
BALTUS: Now I have to introduce a very large amount of old guys.
ICKY: Great.
BALTUS: There's Dr Lancaster (an old man with a Satan beard), Reverend Steenwick (another old man with a wig like a poodle), Magistrate Samuel Philips (a guy who looks suspiciously like Vernon Dursley from the Harry Potter movies), and this really freaky looking guy is James Hardenbrook (a man with one white eye and a mullet. If that's not freaky, what is?)
ICKY: Sorry? I was sleeping. Who are you again?
BALTUS: I'm just a simple farmer. But by night, I am: (drum roll) the landlord, and the banker!
ICKY: Um... okay. Well now I'm going to explain the plot while walking around in circles. I would stand still but I'm actually too short to intimidate you. So Peter Van Garret, that dude in the cornfield, Dirk Van Garret, his son, and the Widow Winship, this other lady, have been found headless. I'm just gonna cut to the chase here, solve the mystery twenty minutes into the movie: Do you guys know who it is?
Magistrate Philips coughs into his tea. The old guys look at each other.
BALTUS: Do you actually know anything about what's going on?
ICKY: No, not really. Their heads were found severed from their bodies?
STEENWICK: Their heads were not found at all. Dunh dunh duuuuuuuuunh!
ICKY: I might just go back to New York now.
HARDENBROOK: The heads were taken. Taken by the headless horseman. Taken back to hell.
STEENWICK: Dunh dunh duuuuuuuuunh!
ICKY: Who is this weird old guy anyway?
BALTUS: We don't actually tell you until much later in the movie but he's in charge of stuff that gets written down. But now, time for a long rant and some flashbacks. The horseman is a Hessian Mercenary.
ICKY: He was a sack?
BALTUS: No. He was sent here to kill people.
The scenery changes and we see what is apparently twenty years ago. The headless horseman, who now has a head and is therefore just the Horseman, appears. He looks a little bit like a cross between Billy Crystal and Gollum.
HORSEMAN: My lines in this movie consist of Aargh! Aah! And YAAAAAGH!
AUDIENCE: No way, I bet you say something else. It's not possible for a significant character to make it the whole way through the movie only screaming.
HORSEMAN: Watch me.
BALTUS'S VOICE OVER: He had a steed called daredevil. He ran around chopping people's heads off. He filed his teeth sharp. Of course now that he's headless having sharp teeth will be a definite sign of identification. As opposed to not having a head.
We see the horseman riding through the snow, and then the horse is shot. He pats the dead horse, and then some people start chasing him. He runs through the woods, and runs into two young girls in the middle of the forest, wearing identical pink dresses and carrying wood.
GIRLS: We are also significant!
HORSEMAN: This is the only time I get to say something other than argh. SSH!
The two girls consider this. For a moment they look like they're actually going to let a pale man with fuzzy hair, freaky blue eyes, a large sword and blackening sharp teeth get away. Then one girl looks very malicious. She snaps one of the twigs with much ceremony. The soldiers come chasing and the girls run away. There is a big fight between horseman and soldiers.
HORSEMAN: Yaargh! Aah! Raaar! Aaaaargh! Ryaaaaar! Ha! Raaaa! Ha! Yarr! Whaaaaaar!
(Note from Author: I did not make that bit up, it was taken directly from the movie)
BALTUS: They chopped off his head with his own sword. Blah, blah blah... the Western Woods are now haunted.
They bury the horseman, dropping his head in after, and stick the sword in. The horse, which is now completely recovered for some magical reason, comes over and stands next to the sword.
BALTUS: And now he's running around chopping off people's heads again.
We see that Ichabod's saucer is jittering.
AUDIENCE: Wait a minute, he's a big coward, isn't he?
ICKY: No I'm not!
AUDIENCE: Boo!
ICKY: AAAAAAGH!
AUDIENCE: See?
STEENWYCK: Why don't you read the Bible?
ICKY: I'd rather a manual on Headless Horsemen, but this will do.
He opens the bible. There is a family tree in the front- the Van Tassels are related to the Van Garrets.
ICKY: I don't believe all this horseman crap anyway.
AUDIENCE: Oh yeah? BOO!
ICKY: AAGH! THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN!
Scene 8 It's outdoors, and the big tree house that we saw the dad and kid standing outside it now contains the dad. It seems to be some sort of outpost. Some sheep start running away from the forest. Then a weird mist comes in and puts out the two torches marking the entryway.
DAD: (cocking gun from inside the box) Come out so I can blast the bujeesus out of you. We'll just ignore the fact that you're already dead.
We hear a horse galloping. The Dad's eyes widen. Then the Dad is running through the woods. We're assuming they're the Western Woods.
AUDIENCE: Um, wouldn't you just stay in your nice wooden box with your very nice rifle?
DAD: Never would have thought of that.
The Horseman chases him and chops off his head. We get a lovely close up of Dad's head.
Scene 9
The next morning in the town. A pretty grey horse, which I'm guessing is a Welsh is lead out. Ichabod looks at it.
WELSH HORSE GUY: His name's Goonpowdeh.
ICKY: Come again?
WELSH HORSE GUY: The horse is a Welsh. I've got a Welsh accent. Get it?
ICKY: Oh dear god.
A very pregnant girl exits a house followed by a redhead, the midwife.
MIDWIFE: I'm a midwife. Just in case you couldn't tell by my reassuring a pregnant girl we're going to do a big close up of the sign outside my house. Hey Welsh Horse Guy! Come inside so the audience can see that we're married and we have a son.
GUY ON A HORSE NEAR THE OUTPOST: Murder! There's another headless guy!
ICKY: Okay, time for a comic scene in which I can't control my horse.
AUDIENCE: You're a pretty hopeless lead aren't you? You're yellower than Rincewind and you can't ride a horse.
ICKY: Yes. But I'm still very hot.
JD FANS: Can't argue with that.
There are quite a few men crowded around the body of Dad in the woods.
ICKY: I finally arrived. So let's have a look at this body.
DR LANCASTER: His name was Jonathan Nasbeth.
ICKY: Despite being a constable and having a fascination with cutting up dead people I'm still all grossed out and skittish.
BALTUS: Alright, lets' have a little argument about nothing in particular
ICKY: Sounds good to me. I'm just going to shout at Dr Lancaster!
DR LANCASTER: Not very smart for a lead, either.
ICKY: I'm going to run around playing horsie and looking weird, re-enacting the scene. See? I'm the headless horseman, but I have a head and no horse, and I'm going to run around and look a bit like Monty Python but without the coconuts.
EVERYBODY ELSE: Riiiiiight.
Ichabod opens up his very cool case, and takes out a little bottle rack. He tips some stuff around.
ICKY: I'm just going to pretend I know what I'm doing.
He puts on some brilliant kooky glasses.
ICKY: These are my kooky glasses. They make me look smart.
AUDIENCE: No, they make you look like Toad from X-Men.
Ichabod picks at the skin of the neck and a bug crawls out.
ICKY: AAGH! A BUG!!!
BALTUS: What?
ICKY: His head was chopped off by a hot blade. Not that this is in any way relevant. I'm just making up some excuse so nobody notices that I'm terrified of everything.
Scene 10 It is Dad's funeral. We see the dad's son standing and looking angry. Everybody leaves except him, with Ichabod last.
YOUNG MASBETH: Excuse me mister Ichabod!
ICKY: Ah, you're young Masbeth.
YOUNG MASBETH: Well now I'm the one and only Masbeth. And I want to avenge my father, like all orphaned boys before me.
ICKY: Well One-And-Only Masbeth, you can get stuffed.
ONE OR TWO MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE: One and only Masbeth! That's funny. Hahahaha... fine, don't anybody else laugh then.
YOUNG MASBETH: That's not fair! They let Luke Skywalker do it!
ICKY: Go buy yourself a light saber, then talk to me.
YOUNG MASBETH: Light saber?! It's 1799!
ICKY: Exactly.
Young Masbeth goes off in search of a light saber. Magistrate Philips approaches.
MAGISTRATE PHILIPS: There were actually five dead people. Five in four graves.
ICKY: Huh? This mystery is getting really perplexing. I need some help. Young Masbeth! Come back here!
YOUNG MASBETH: I found one!
ICKY: What?
YOUNG MASBETH: A light saber! I found one!
ICKY: Well throw it away, it's not important.
YOUNG MASBETH: But if the horseman's blade was heated this could be his weapon.
ICKY: Shut up! Sidekicks are not allowed to be smarter than the lead.
YOUNG MASBETH: Boy, this is gonna be tough.
Scene 11 Ichabod and some others are in the cemetery, digging up the victims. They find Widow Winship.
INTELLIGENT MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE: Um, duh, she was pregnant. The horseman probably decapitated the baby, too.
They carry her in to Dr Lancaster's surgery and stick her on the operating table.
DR LANCASTER: What the hell?
ICKY: We're checking out the body. Now everybody get out! I'm going to have my way with... I mean, investigate the body.
He hurries everybody out, Dr Lancaster muttering something about necrophilia. Ichabod grabs his kooky glasses and weird contraptions and begins messing around and so forth. A few moments later he exits, covered from head to toe in blood. The five old guys stare at him.
ICKY: All done. We are dealing with a madman!
DR LANCASTER: As opposed to somebody who has conspicuous relations with dead people.
ICKY: The widow was pregnant!
AUDIENCE: Duh.
Scene 12 It is nighttime again. There is a boxy bridge, which looks alarmingly familiar.
BRIDGE: I'm the bridge from BeetleJuice, but I thought I'd make a quick appearance here, too.
Ichabod rides slowly through the bridge, Goonpowdeh clopping loudly.
AUDIENCE: Um, could somebody tell the sound effects guy that horses have four legs, not two?
A horse screams, obviously the headless horseman's horse. Ichabod looks at the entrance to the bridge, but there is nobody there.
ICKY: (shaking) Is that the headless horseman?
The horseman hoves into view. He is holding a burning Jack-O-Lantern.
TIM BURTON FANS: No! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO JACK?!
Ichabod and Goonpowdeh ride away as fast as they can. The horseman is still chasing him. For some strange reason the horseman throws the pumpkin at him and hits Ichabod squarely in the head.
ICKY: Ow! That really hurt!
The horseman rides away. Ichabod looks very confused. The horseman rounds a corner and stops. Some men take his horse, and we realize it was Brom. Ichabod hears their laughing, and leans his head back. This is faint number one.
FAINT NUMBER 1
Scene 13
We now have a flashback to Ichabod's traumatic past. There is a very pretty garden and blindfolded woman in a blue dress is dancing. Ichabod the young boy walks into the garden. The woman kisses him on the cheek. She takes off her blindfold and the boy gives her some blue flowers. Suddenly a red door appears.
RED DOOR: I am also significant!
The woman then throws the blue flowers in the fire. The door is gone. She begins to draw things in the ash at the hearth. Naturally they are swirls. Then we see a mean looking old man. He's gone, and young Ichabod's bed is there. The mother is tucking him in. She spins a little cardinal-optical- illusion thingy, which is very significant indeed. Then we get another flash of the old man and the red door then Ichabod wakes up, sitting up so fast that he bashes into the camera.
ICKY: Ouch!
He gets up and walks downstairs. Then he hears something in the next room. It is Katrina reading.
ICKY: Oh, it's you. I'll just be off.
KATRINA: Come back, I want to kiss you again!
She hides the books.
ICKY: Why are you hiding the books?
KATRINA: As if you don't hide naughty books under your mattress.
ICKY: Oh. Right. I see.
KATRINA: Anyway, my mother's dead and that's important to the plot. She died of a disease and the woman who cared for her is now my stepmum- Lady Van Tassel.
BLACKADDER FANS: Queenie!
ICKY: Aren't' the Van Tassels and Van Garrets related?
KATRINA: Yeah, we're all inbred here.
ICKY: Eew.
KATRINA: The Van Garrets were totally loaded. We used to live in this dingy little cottage, which will turn out to be remarkably like that one in your dream. You wanna see?
ICKY: Yeah, whatever.
KATRINA: Here, have a book of magic spells. Being a scientific man it will be completely useless but you never know.
ICKY: (opening the book) It was your mum's?
KATRINA: Yeah, if you keep it close to your heart you'll be protected.
ICKY: Cool.
They ride down to the cottage ruins. As they jump off their horses she sees the scars on his palms.
KATRINA: What's with the scars?
ICKY: None of your business.
KATRINA: Right, er, I'll just show you around. Look, a hearth just like yours. And some blue flowers just like yours! And now I'll draw pictures just like yours!
ICKY: Ooooooooooookay.
KATRINA: And an archer carved into the wall. I think it's significant. It was here when we moved in.
ICKY: My past is resurfacing! Help!
A cardinal appears.
KATRINA: Look, the very symbolic cardinal! Isn't it cute. I wanted a pet cardinal but I couldn't keep it in a cage.
ICKY: Now isn't that a weird coincidence. I'll show you my cardinal–in-cage trick.
He spins the cardinal in cage spinner.
KATRINA: How very symbolic.
Scene 14
We see the Dr Lancaster, Reverend Steenwyck, Magistrate Philips and Hardenbrook all arguing. There is no sound, though. The Magistrate exits, followed by Ichabod. He appears to be leaving town. Ichabod follows him out of town, and then rides up.
ICKY: Are you shooting through? Listen, why don't you give me a hand with this mystery?
PHILIPS: I'd really love to, since you're such a dumb lead, but I'll get my head chopped off.
Another Pumpkin-headed scarecrow waves frighteningly in the wind.
JACK THE PUMPKIN KING/SCARECROW: I'm BAAAACK!
ICKY: How did you know the widow was up the duff?
PHILIPS: She told me.
ICKY: So you're the father.
PHILIPS: No. And I'm not telling you the father's name, either. She wanted to protect the child's rights or some crap. Blah blah blah, the horseman killed her.
ICKY: Bulldust.
Right on cue, there is a flash of lightning. The sheep all run away, because sheep are actually smarter than people but they're very good at pretending not to be.
ICKY: Oh shitake mushrooms! It's the horseman!
PHILIPS: Oh no! The horseman! I'll hold up my magical talisman!
HORSEMAN: I would say 'oh my god, how pathetic' but I'm restricted to 'AARGH!'
He chops off Philip's head. The head rolls right to where no man's head should roll- between Ichabod's legs.
ICKY: Gross, but... well, he is dead... Hah. Dead head head.
AUDIENCE: So wrong and so not funny, Ichabod.
Ichabod begins considering this idea, but the horseman rides up to him. The horseman comes up and spears the head, only just missing poor Ichabod's wossnames. Naturally, Ichabod faints.
FAINT NUMBER 2
Scene 15
Some people enter Ichabod's room. He is huddled in the corner of his bed, in the corner of the room, back against the wall and blankets pulled up to his nose, shaking like a leaf.
JD FANS: Awww! He looks like Sam!
Baltus, Young Masbeth and Katrina enter.
ICKY: Ohmygodohmygodohmygod I'M TRAUMATISED! IT WAS A HEADLESS HORSEMAN
BALTUS: Told you so.
ICKY: I'm so traumatized my stupid English accent is beginning to resurface.
BALTUS: I thought you'd lost that a little while ago.
ICKY: I did.
He faints. Again.
FAINT NUMBER 3
Young Masbeth: Riiiiight.
Scene 16 Another flashback. This time the woman, who we can safely assume is his mother, is spinning around in circles. She flies up into the air. Then we see young Ichabod peeking through the door. The mean-looking man, possibly father, has her by the hair. He shoves her down to her knees in front of the fire, slamming a bible in the dust drawings. Then he drags her down the corridor to a red door. Ichabod wakes up and shouts, lunging forward and hitting the camera yet again.
ICKY: Ouch... there's gotta be a less painful way to do this.
Downstairs, the four old guys are arguing.
BALTUS: This guy is hopeless! We need a lead that's courageous, intelligent, and without a stupid resurfacing English accent!
RED DWARF FANS: Ace Rimmer!
Ichabod is pacing in his rooms, twirling the cardinal/cage twirly thing. He comes downstairs.
ICKY: Everybody! I'm off to the Western Woods! Who's coming?
BALTUS: We thought you'd gone mad
ICKY: Of course not! Millennium hand and shrimp!
AUDIENCE: (muttering) Of course he's not mad, going into the Western Woods. Perfectly sane thing to do.
ICKY: So who'll join me?
CRICKETS: Chirp. Chirp.
YOUNG MASBETH: I'll go!
ICKY: Shutup Skywalker, you're only five feet tall.
Scene 17
Ichabod and Young Masbeth are riding through the forest.
ICKY: So, do you think there's any connection between the murders? There were the two Van Garrets, the widow Winship, your dad and Magistrate Philips...
YOUNG MASBETH: He worked for the Van Garrets. But VG Senior and Junior had this big blue over something or other, and then later VG Senior sent for my dad.
ICKY: Ah! A clue! Write it down, Young Masbeth.
YOUNG MASBETH: I don't have a pen and paper, sir.
ICKY: Don't worry, I'm sure I'll remember it.
YOUNG MASBETH: Listen.
ICKY: I can't hear anything.
YOUNG MASBETH: Exactly. Nobody can hear anything. And do you know why we can't hear anything?
ICKY: Why?
YOUNG MASBETH: Because there are no sounds to be heard.
RED DWARF FANS: (laughing) I get it!
ICKY: O_o
They continue riding. Soon a weird singing noise can be heard. They reach a cave. Both jump off their horses and walk in, Ichabod drawing his gun and pushing Young Masbeth in front of him.
YOUNG MASBETH: Sir, why am I standing in front of you?
ICKY: Because you're too young to live.
YOUNG MASBETH: There's something wrong with that sentence.
A witch is sitting in front of a fire.
ICKY: Witch! I mean, um, could you witch us? I mean help us? Witch... no! I didn't mean to say witch, I meant witch! No, not that... uh, never mind.
The witch puts down a dead cardinal. Young Masbeth and Ichabod go to leave but she grabs Ichabod.
WITCH: Dude! Johnny Depp has just come bumbling into my cave! Yoink!
ICKY: Uh, thankyou ma'am but I'm not particularly attracted to the living... er, that is to say, I'm not attracted to the dead at all either, no not a bit indeed, but... I mean... oh, forget I said anything.
WITCH: Now scarper, kid, and if you hear any weird noises just stay outside.
YOUNG MASBETH: Not that I need any encouragement, but what kind of noises are we talking about?
ICKY: My terrified screams of agony?
WITCH: His animal moans of ecstasy.
ICKY: What? Really? Well, yes, don't come in then Skywalker. Yes, leave us in here for all the time you want...
The witch leads him to another room, and sits opposite him at a table. She chains herself to her chair.
ICKY: O_O kinky...
She starts preparing some kind of potion. She takes a bat and chops off its head.
BAT: I'm the headless bat of Sleepy Hollow!
WITCH: Now I'm going to help you with this horseman thing...
ICKY: Um... okay. I wanted a man, not a bat.
WITCH: Shutup, you ignorant fool. I'm about to be possessed.
Her eyes suddenly pop out and she lunges at Ichabod.
ICKY: Hey, you look really dead! All blue and moldy and everything! Now this is fun!!!
POSESSED WITCH: Shut up! Now follow the Indian trail to the tree of the dead, blah blah blah, horseman's resting place, quest guidey stuff and curses and so on and so forth!
ICKY: So this isn't about a mad session of passion, then?
POSESSED WITCH: Business before pleasure, Ick. But now that business is over...
Scene 18 Ichabod comes out of the cave, buckling up his pants. Climbing on his horse, he and Young Masbeth begin to trot through the forest.
YOUNG MASBETH: So let me get this straight: the witch told you to take a trail to a dead tree?
ICKY: Tree of the dead.
YOUNG MASBETH: The tree of the dead, and find the horseman's resting place, and nothing else at all and you mean nothing in particular or in any way unusual or inappropriate for my young ears to hear happened?
ICKY: Exactly. You do learn fast.
They see a rider in white on a white horse through the trees.
ICKY: I'll just jump off my nice, safe, tall horse with big hoofs and teeth for killing any enemy that I might approach and go and investigate on foot.
It turns out to be Katrina.
KATRINA: Hey Ichabod, thought I'd follow you here because you're just so hot and all. Naturally you would be completely in love with me.
ICKY: Well, yes, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You see there's this witch and she's sort of sometimes dead which I find really attractive and...
KATRINA: I'm here to help you on your hunt. And there's a high risk that I might die.
ICKY: Really? How intriguing and good for my ego. Let me take your hand and lean forward to kiss you
KATRINA: Sounds good to me
They get about two inches from each other, when, predictably, Young Masbeth enters.
YOUNG MASBETH: He's a necrophiliac, you know.
KATRINA: What's one of those?
ICKY: Somebody who will love you even when you get old and die, my dearest.
KATRINA: Really? How romantic!
YOUNG MASBETH: (muttering) Yeah, if you don't take him literally. Anyway so while you two were about to have a romantic moment I thought I'd actually get to work and find the tree. It's over here.
They all go over to the tree. It is twisted and weird and on a little hill. It looks very frightening. Ichabod walks up to it and touches something dripping. It is blood.
ICKY: It's blood.
KATRINA: We figured.
He grabs an axe and begins chopping at one of the roots, which bleeds. It covers him in blood as he hacks, and he gets a very odd look on his face as he throws away the branch. Then he pulls at a piece of tree and yanks it away to reveal the heads.
AUDIENCE: Eeeew, gross!
ICKY: (drooling) aah, I mean, how vile and disgusting! I'm just going to jump to a huge conclusion and declare that this tree is a gateway.
He climbs up and sees the horseman's sword buried in the ground.
ICKY: Somebody's been digging here.
YOUNG MASBETH: How can you tell?
ICKY: Believe me, I know a lot about digging up the dead with little provocation.
Time passes. We see the hole is dug. There is a skeleton, headless, lying there.
AUDIENCE: Wait! They dropped his head in with him in that flashback! Just before Icky hit his head on the camera.
ICKY: (muttering) Still got a bruise from that. Clearly he's taking the heads because somebody took his.
The heads begin to make slimy noises and move.
EASILY GROSSED OUT AUDIENCE MEMBERS: I feel sick!
The heads roll away and the horseman suddenly bursts out from under the tree. He turns, rearing the horse, then rides away. Of course there's a thunderstorm going now. Ichabod jumps on Goonpowdeh and rides after him.
Scene 18 Back in town, we see the little boy- Thomas, the midwife and the Welsh Horse Guy's son. He lights a little lantern, which makes lights of witches, dragons and other vastly misunderstood characters on the wall. The midwife comes in to the room where Thomas is. Welsh Horse Guy is still in the kitchen. Suddenly the fire flares up enormously.
PYROS IN THE AUDIENCE: COOL!
The horseman barges in, axe in hand. Welsh Horse guy shouts a warning to the wife and breaks a chair over the horseman, which has no effect. He takes a sword and keeps on fighting. The mother shoves Thomas through a hatch in the floor so he is under the house, but stays in the other room herself.
AUDIENCE: What? Why doesn't she go too? Ah, who knows the reasoning behind what redheads do?
(Author's note: Excuse my slur against redheads. Many of my friends are redheads. I myself have been a redhead. I mean no offence. Blondes, on the other hand...)
The horseman chops off Welsh Horse Guy's head.
AUDIENCE: Hooray! No more annoying Welsh accent!
He then opens the door where the wife has been hiding. The shadows are still moving around the walls. He is carrying the husband's head. The boy crawls away, for some reason, looking up as the horseman walks away. We hear a slashing noise, a whimper, and then something rolls noisily across the floor. No prizes for guessing what it is. The kid runs some more, and curls up in a corner. The horseman goes to leave, but then suddenly stops and turns. He hacks a hole in the floor. Instead of running, the dumb kid cowers. The horseman pulls him out and the kid screams. The horseman leaves the house with a little duffle bag for the heads.
NAJA: Look! He has a bag for the heads! Isn't that cool!
AUDIENCE: That's sick!
Brom rides up and shoots the horseman off the horse.
NAJA: Where's the bag! He's not holding it and it's not on the horse! He lost his little head duffle bag! I want a little head duffle bag...
AUDIENCE: That's really sick. Wait, you're the one that wrote this, aren't you?
NAJA: Yeeeeessss.
AUDIENCE: You're really, REALLY sick!
NAJA: I bet you're laughing though.
Brom walks up to finish off the horseman.
BROM: Oh, wait a second, it might have been a good idea to reload BEFORE the horseman got back up again...
AUDIENCE: You're so dumb you deserve to die.
FEMALE MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE: Pity. He was a bit cute. But dumb. We can live without as long as Johnny's still here.
Brom and the horseman fight for some time. Brom first uses his rifle as a club, then when the horseman walks away he is dumb enough to call him back by throwing a dagger in him. The horseman spins and throws the dagger into Brom's leg. At that moment Ichabod jumps off Goonpowdeh.
AUDIENCE: That horse is slow, isn't it?
ICKY: No, I just can't control it, remember? I ended up in the Eastern woods.
Brom grabs two sickles.
NAJA: Sickles and duffle bags and heads, oh my!
Ichabod goes to stop Brom.
ICKY: You know if you just leave him alone he'll leave you alone. Just like a lot of misunderstood creatures, really.
BROM: But then I wouldn't be heroic and manly!
ICKY: Good point. Give me a sickle!
Ichabod gets the horseman a good one in the back and they dash under the BeetleJuice bridge. Turning, they hear footsteps. But there is nobody on the bridge.
AUDIENCE: The roof, dummies, he's on the roof!!!
He drops down behind them, and stabs Ichabod through the heart.
JD FANS: NOOOOOO!!! JOHNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After some fighting, he also kills Brom. Ichabod was alive enough to watch this, but then he faints again. FAINT NUMBER 4.
Scene 19 We're back in Ichabod's room. The doctor is looking at the stab wound.
DR LANCASTER: Damn, the stupid bugger didn't die. I see this as unfair.
Ichabod snaps awake again, but this time he doesn't lunge up.
ICKY: Hey, it worked! I didn't hit the camera...
DR LANCASTER: What? Clearly you have a fever and are raving about not hitting cameras for some reason. Go back to sleep
ICKY: But I might hit the camera when I wake up!
DR LANCASTER: Just shut up!
He hits Ichabod over the head. Cut to Katrina's kitchen. She is chanting something over a bubbling cauldron. Then she goes over to the table and cuts off the foot of a dead crow that is lying there, and puts it in the potion.
AUDIENCE: What's that for? To cure eye wrinkles?
We see Ichabod lying there with his shirt half open. Katrina walks in.
JD FANS: (drooling everywhere) Shirt... gone... oh god he's hot...
ICKY: The horseman kills only certain people! He only killed Brom because he was stupid and deserved to die, and so that Katrina could be mine! It was somebody who had the horseman's skull. Somebody who knew where to dig because they were related to him, BALTUS.
BALTUS: You are nuts. Doctor, hit him harder.
ICKY: I am not! Millennium hand and shrimp, buggrit, I tole' em I did!
Katrina pours the potion into his mouth and he faints again
FAINT NUMBER 5
Scene 20 Ichabod is having yet another flashback. The red door, and now the mean old father guy walking though it. It's a church, all painted white. Young Ichabod watches from the pews. The door opens and we see what looks like the workshop from Edward Scissorhands, or perhaps the Trick or Treater's home in the Nightmare Before Christmas.
TIM BURTON FANS: More set recycling, Tim?
TIM BURTON: Silence, scum!
There are various spiked torture machines around. There is a human shaped case, and inside we can see the eyes of Ichabod's Mum.
ICHABOD'S MUM: Ichabod...
Young Ichabod gets so surprised he slams his hands down on one of the torture devices.
AUDIENCE: So THAT'S where he got those scars.
Then the case opens, and a lot of blood and Ichabod's mum come gushing out. Ichabod screams and leaps up for a third time, but now he runs into Katrina instead of the camera. They hug for a few moments.
KATRINA: Nightmares?
ICKY: Flashbacks.
He looks at his hands, which are bleeding again.
KATRINA: What kind of flashback? Do tell...
ICKY: My mother was killed by my father, as the audience will have probably guessed from the flashbacks. I was seven, blah blah blah, and now I'm only interested in science. I really need to go back to New York.
KATRINA: That's not fair, we're about a third of the way through the movie and we've just got your shirt open!
ICKY: I'll just make up some romantic crap so you'll kiss me.
KATRINA: Okay!
ICKY: You sure don't seem to be mourning about Brom
KATRINA: Screw Brom!
ICKY: Perhaps there is a bit of witch in you, Katrina.
KATRINA: Was it that potion that made you guess?
ICKY: No, you've bewitched me.
AUDIENCE: Tacky. Really, really tacky.
Scene 21
Ichabod wakes up again. It's now daytime, and Lady Van Tassel is sitting over his bed.
LADY VAN TASSEL: The servant girl is gone. This is very significant.
ICKY: What isn't?
She leaves and Young Masbeth enters. We get the feeling that time passes and Ichabod is crawling around on the floor picking up bits of paper. He puts the papers with the names of the four old guys, excluding Baltus, on the table.
ICKY: Conspiracy, clearly. I'll just write down random thoughts that happen to spell out 'the secret conspiracy points to Baltus' and leave it lying around.
YOUNG MASBETH: Baltus is head honcho since the Van Garretts died.
ICKY: Wait a second! So if the VGs are loaded that means Baltus would inherit! I'm solving the mystery, aren't I smart?
They dash off to Hardenbrook's place, where there are piles of papers everywhere.
ICKY: We're looking for Van Garrett's will, remember.
YOUNG MASBETH: Hey, it's dad's bag.
Ichabod finds Hardenbrook in a cupboard.
ICKY: What are you doing here?
HARDENBROOK: I work here, stupid.
ICKY: We need Van Garret's will. Who was going to inherit.
HARDENBROOK: VG junior, of course.
ICKY: Yeah, but he's dead.
YOUNG MASBETH: I found the will in dad's bag.
ICKY: Give it here, Skywalker.
YOUNG MASBETH: You're welcome.
ICKY: Look, somebody's already opened this. So after his son he left this to the widow Winship? I see.
YOUNG MASBETH: Because according to this other piece of paper in dad's bag they secretly married.
ICKY: I've worked it out! So Reverend Steenwyck wed VG senior and Winship, Magistrate Philips gave protection of the law, Dr Bashmeovertheheadwillhe knew she was pregnant and you are in charge of these documents. So with Winship and the VGs out of the way Baltus would inherit! Blah blah blah... more crap about all this, Masbeth the older who knew about the will so he died, blah blah blah. Somebody had been doing voodoo on the horseman! Baltus has the skull!
YOUNG MASBETH: Could've told you that ages ago, sir.
Scene 22 Ichabod and Young Masbeth enter Ichabod's rooms to see Katrina reading the journal.
KATRINA: I've been reading what you've been writing.
ICKY: Oh... bugger.
KATRINA: My father wants you to get the hell out of here.
ICKY: Why?
KATRINA: Well you did write in big letters THE SECRET CONSPIRACY POINTS TO BALTUS
ICKY: Oh. That. Right, can you sort of make like a tree?
KATRINA: Fine.
She leaves, and Ichabod hides the will and marriage certificate in a drawer. Katrina sees him. A spider crawls out and Ichabod jumps onto a chair with a very feminine shriek.
ICKY: SPIDEE!
YOUNG MASBETH: Coward.
AUDIENCE: Coward.
ICKY: AAAAAGH!
YOUNG MASBETH: There's something under the bed.
ICKY: So move the bed and find out what it is!
YOUNG MASBETH: Okay
He moves the bed, and they see a pentacle drawn in pink chalk under his bed. It is littered with symbols.
YOUNG MASBETH: That's the evil eye. It's evil, you know.
NAJA: Actually that's a pentacle with an eye in the middle and some numbers around the outside. I'd say it was for a very powerful spell, possibly for protection. Or otherwise prophetic dreams, judging by the position...
EVERYBODY ELSE: Shut up!
Young Masbeth and Ichabod are sitting the room. It is now night, and they hear a noise.
ICKY: Look, a cloaked figure! Let's follow it.
The figure seems to be floating or rolling along through the woods.
AUDIENCE: Wow, I didn't know they had rollerskates in 1799.
YOUNG MASBETH: Yeah, but you thought that about light sabers, too.
Ichabod and Young Masbeth follow.
ICKY: You stay here, Skywalker.
Ichabod climbs over a hill to see Lady Van Tassel and Reverend Steenwyck having a fairly intimate moment. Lady Van Tassel takes a knife, and slices her hand open for some reason.
ICKY: I thought I was into some pretty weird stuff bit this is just wrong. The blood I can understand, but Steenwyck?
He and Young Masbeth return to his room. Ichabod opens the drawer where he hid the will and the marriage certificate. They are gone.
AUDIENCE: (with much sarcasm) Gee, we didn't see that one coming.
Scene 23 The papers are burning. Then we get a wider shot and see that it is Katrina burning them, in the hearth at the ruined cottage. Ichabod rides over.
ICKY: Why are you burning the papers? I thought you loved me!
KATRINA: They're not kidding. You are stupid for a lead. It's because you're going to accuse my father.
ICKY: Oh. That.
KATRINA: He's not guilty.
ICKY: I know about your weird little spells, you know
KATRINA: Whatever, you'd better find another answer. Just leave me alone.
ICKY: I can't do either of those. The movie would go on for too long if I had to start looking for answers all over again AND fall in love with a different girl.
KATRINA: Oh, screw you. I'm outta here.
She leaves.
Scene 24 Ichabod and Lady Van Tassel are in the kitchen.
LADY VT: She hates you and she never wants to talk to you again.
ICKY: Ah, clearly she's still madly in love with me.
LADY VT: Mr. Crane, have you seen my hand? (she waves it in front of his face) LOOK AT MY HAND! It's all cut open and yuck and you know why! Don't you? DON'T YOU!
BLACKADDER FANS: (proudly) That's our Queenie alright. Mad as a hatter.
Baltus enters.
BALTUS: Hardenbrook is dead!
AUDIENCE: What a surprise.
BALTUS: He hanged himself.
ICKY: Really? How odd. Not decapitated at all.
BALTUS: The villagers all think it's your fault. They're all off to the church to try and get rid of you. I'd scram if I were you. (he sees Lady VT's hand) What happened to your hand?
LADY VT: Oh, nothing at all suspicious. I'm going to go and pick some flowers to heal my hand, then we'll go to church.
Scene 25
Lady VT is picking flowers in the forest. Yet another thunderstorm is starting. Baltus rides over.
BALTUS: Lady, we really should leave now.
He sees the headless horseman riding up behind her, sword raised. Back in the village, everybody is going into the church. Baltus comes riding up.
BALTUS: The horseman is coming! I was too cowardly to watch my wife die but we can safely assume that Lady Van Tassel is dead! He killed your stepmother, Katrina.
AUDIENCE: Sure. Right.
BALTUS: Help, let me in the church!
AUDIENCE: Hey Ichabod, he's even more cowardly than you.
The horseman comes riding up, and all run inside the church. He stops at the church gates, and everybody inside the church runs around screaming. Reverend Steenwyck grabs Baltus.
REVEREND STEENWYCK: This is all your fault! We should throw you to the dogs, because it's you that we think he wants!
Katrina suddenly kneels down and starts drawing on the floor.
AUDIENCE: She's calling up the horseman again with her magic drawings again, isn't she?
NAJA: Well, knowing that directors can get these things massively wrong... she probably is.
The horseman throws his axe onto church ground, and it crumbles. Ichabod, who was looking out the window at the time, realizes.
ICKY: He can't come in! Don't worry, he can't get in!
Everybody continues shooting at the horseman, as though it will make a difference. Katrina is still drawing on the floor.
REVEREND STEENWYCK: If we give him Baltus he'll leave us alone!
BALTUS: (takes out a gun) Don't touch me!
DR LANCASTER: Okay, let's spill the beans. We have to tell them everything. So what happened was we...
REVEREND STEENWYCK: Silence, idiot!
He grabs a cross and kills the doctor with it.
REVEREND STEENWYCK: Who said science always wins over religion?
Baltus is so shocked, he shoots the Reverend. He then backs up against the window as people advance on him. Outside, the horseman grabs a very harpoon-like fence post and a length of rope. He then throws it through the window and spears Baltus. Katrina screams. The horseman rides away, dragging Baltus through the window and across the church grounds. His head goes between the fence posts, but his body doesn't fit.
AUDIENCE: How ironic.
All gather by the window to see the horseman remove Baltus's head. Katrina is so traumatized she faints FAINT NUMBER 6. A piece of pink chalk rolls out of her hand.
ICKY: Hey! That was her that drew that stuff with the spider!
YOUNG MASBETH: God you're slow.
We see that she's written the same pentacle on the church floor.
NAJA: Yes, there's some numbers and some star signs and a few Greek symbols...
Scene 26
Katrina is lying in her bed. Ichabod stands beside her.
ICKY: Clearly you were possessed by evil, since nobody in their right mind would turn me down. Hey, I wonder if you can get possessed and go all dead like that witch chick?
NAJA: Who me?
ICKY: No, the other witch chick.
NAJA: Oh, okay.
ICKY: Anyway I love you and all, but now I'm going to leave.
He looks in his journal, standing before the fire. In it are heaps and heaps of drawings of her and her name written all over the place.
AUDIENCE: He's obsessed.
He throws the book in the fire. Then he takes out the spell book. His carriage arrives outside. He walks out, followed by Young Masbeth.
YOUNG MASBETH: You think it was her!
ICKY: Shutup.
YOUNG MASBETH: It wasn't her! She was all good and sweet and you two were in love!
AUDIENCE: Hear, hear!
ICKY: I don't want to believe it but I'm too dumb to think of another reason. Now I'm going back to New York. So leave me alone.
He jumps in the carriage just as Katrina wakes up. She goes to the window to see it driving away. In the carriage, Ichabod plays with his cardinal twirly thingy. Then he sees some people carrying a headless body away. There's a scar on the body's hand- Lady Van Tassel. Sitting back, he plays with the twirly thingy some more.
ICKY: Twirly twirly twirly! I'm so easily amused...
Having a sudden idea, he takes out the spellbook. He flicks to the page with the pentacle on it. The tile for the spell reads: For The Protection Of A Loved One Against Evil Spirits
ICKY: D'oh!
NAJA: Told you so.
ICKY: Crap! It wasn't Katrina! Turn around, we have to go back! Go! Go! Go!
He runs back to the morgue and throws the lid off the coffins. They contain Baltus and Lady VT. Going to Lady VT's coffin, he looks at her hand.
ICKY: She was already dead when this cut was made!
DUMB AUDIENCE MEMBER: So she was a zombie when she cut herself?
AUDIENCE: No, stupid, she used a decoy.
We see Katrina in her room. Lady VT approaches.
LADY VT: Look! I'm not dead! Isn't that scary.
Katrina faints. FAINT NUMBER 7.
Scene 27
Ichabod takes the carriage and rides away. Young Masbeth begins to run towards an old abandoned windmill.
Inside the windmill, Lady VT takes a snipped of the unconscious Katrina's hair. She throws it in the fire.
LADY VT: (in TV voice): And now, just for decapitating Katrina's head, you can win your own skull back! For a limited time only, while stocks last, conditions apply.
We see the horseman jump out of the tree and come riding. Katrina, in the windmill, wakes up.
LADY VT: Finally, you sleep like a log. Now I can explain my evil plan. I used a decoy... blah blah blah...my family name was Archer and that's why there's an Archer carved into your fireplace... blah blah blah, we lived in an old cottage, nasty landlord kicked us out, nobody took us in because my mother was a witch...
AUDIENCE: In this movie, everybody's mother is a witch.
LADY VT: We lived in the Western woods. Me and my sister stayed there, and then we met the headless horseman...
AUDIENCE: So you were the girls in the flashback! Which one were you?
OTHER MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE: (quietly) The one who snapped the twig, I'll bet.
LADY VT: So I offered my soul to Satan, as you do, if he'd come back and avenge my family against the Van Garret guy, who was the landlord, and then he let you and your family move into my digs!
AUDIENCE: Wow. This is incredibly complicated.
Young Masbeth sneaks in and listens.
LADY VT: So then I married your father after your wife died, blah blah blah...
AUDIENCE: This is the longest bloody monologue since down with love!
LADY VT: So he killed the to Van Garrets, the widow and her baby, the midwife who heard about the baby, then the magistrate, then the midwife's family...
KATRINA: Well now everything's been left to you. So can I just sort of LEAVE?
LADY VT: Baltus left everything to you, the bastard! So you have to die. Oh, and my sister was that witch in the forest. I killed her, too. RAAAA!
She spins and frightens Young Masbeth, who had been plotting to hit her over the head with a hammer.
LADY VT: So now you both get to die! Mwaha! MWAAHAHAHAHAHA!
BLACKADDER FANS: That's our Queenie. Mad as a hatter and obsessed with chopping people's heads off.
We see Ichabod arrive outside the windmill just in time for Katrina and Young Masbeth to come running out.
ICKY: Oh, brilliant! You're both alive and all is very quickly forgiven!
The horseman rides up.
ICKY: Crap! Let's get inside that windmill.
Lady VT hides the skull behind her back as they all run inside.
LADY VT: Now for a really crappy joke. Watch your head!
DUMB AUDIENCE MEMBER: Hahahahahahaha!!
They get inside the windmill and barricade it shut. The doors start to rattle so they begin to climb through the weird clockwork mechanisms that are so much fun to set action movies in. Ichabod sets all the machinery going, and the horseman uses a pulley to zoom himself up.
ICKY: Hey! You stole that from my Pirates Of The Caribbean scene!
HORSEMAN: Aargh. Bite me.
He takes out a sword and axe and hacks at Ichabod, who is further down the ladder than the other two. The three arrive on the roof, and Ichabod drops a lantern down. Everything below catches fire.
ICKY: Get onto the windmill sails! This is my heroic scene!
YOUNG MASBETH: (grabbing a rope and shimmying down) You don't need to tell me twice.
Katrina and Ichabod get on the next sail and they all jump off and run to the carriage. The windmill is now a burning inferno. It explodes dramatically.
AUDIENCE: Coooooool.
YOUNG MASBETH: I hate to say this, because I know you're going to give me a stupid answer, but is he dead?
ICKY: Yeah. Twenty years now.
The horseman walks out the windmill door. All get on the driver's seat thingy of the carriage and head off. The horseman grabs his horse.
ICKY: Time for the 1799 version of a car chase!
Ichabod get s on the carriage roof. The horseman climbs up the side.
AUDIENCE: There's something very Terminator 2 about all this.
Ichabod gets hit by a branch and lands on the horseman's horse. Backwards. He turns around.
ICKY: I'm such a bad rider that it doesn't really make a difference which way I'm facing.
He jumps of the horse and holds onto the back of the carriage, where the horseman is being dragged along the ground. Deciding it is too shameful to be dragged along the ground next to an idiot, he grabs the horse's stirrup and gets dragged by the horse. Ichabod pulls himself up onto the carriage, and the horseman, who is now up there with him, nearly takes his head off. They fight for a while. Ichabod tries to strangle the horseman.
AUDIENCE: You're strangling the horseman. And we thought you couldn't get any stupider.
ICKY: Get on the horses!
Young Masbeth and Katrina jump onto the two horses drawing the carriage. It goes over a bump and the horses and carriage get separated. The carriage continues to roll and Ichabod and the horseman continue to fight. Then Ichabod falls off and lands on the little wooden thingy between the two horses, and the horseman falls off and lands underneath the carriage, which has flipped on top of him.
ICKY: I get dragged an awful lot in this scene. My front is going to have the biggest rash tomorrow.
The three stop. The horseman bursts out from underneath the carriage and approaches. They just so happen to be at the tree of the dead. Lady VT rides up.
LADY VT: Wow, what a coincidence.
ICKY: Katrina, I'd advise you leg it.
Katrina legs it.
LADY VT: (drawing pistol) Yes, run! I'm completely insane!
She shoots Ichabod in the heart. Katrina and Young Masbeth rush over. The horseman is striding towards them. Lady VT grabs Katrina by the hair.
YOUNG MASBETH: Ooh, a catfight!
LADY VT: (to the horseman) Look! Come and kill Katrina!
Ichabod gets up.
JD FANS: YAAAAAAAY!
AUDIENCE: He's too dumb to live.
Ichabod sees a bag on Lady VT's saddle. We can safely assume it contains the horseman's head.
NAJA: Look! Another head duffle bag!
Ichabod runs up and tries to grab the skull. He and Lady VT scramble through the leaf litter for it, and Young Masbeth grabs the branch that Ichabod hacked off the tree the other day and bashes Lady VT on the head, knocking her out.
FAINT NUMBER 8
Ichabod grabs the skull as the horseman makes much ceremony about slowly preparing to chop off Katrina's head.
ICKY: Ha! I defeated the evil lady and have acquired the head!
YOUNG MASBETH: Yeah, sure, YOU defeated her, mister wonderful.
ICKY: Look horsy guy! I got your head! Do you want it! Fetch, boy, fetch!
AUDIENCE: Not wise, taunting homicidal Germans who are back from the dead.
Ichabod throws the skull at the horseman, who fits it on his head.
AUDIENCE: Now that looks tacky.
There are some gross noises as the head grows back. Katrina and Ichabod hug each other, and he opens his shirt to reveal that the spell book has stopped the bullet.
AUDIENCE: Forget the skull. THAT is the tackiest of the tacky.
The horseman gets up. He's back to normal. Or, as close as he ever was to normal. He glares at the others for a few moments, and then his horse comes over.
HORSEMAN: (jumping on the horse) YARR!
AUDIENCE: We didn't see that one coming.
He grabs Lady VT. The tree begins to open again. Lady VT wakes up, and sees the horseman. She screams as he shoves his head against hers.
AUDIENCE: What? Is he kissing her? Is he sucking her blood? I don't get it.
We get a lovely close up of what's going on.
AUDIENCE: Ah. Both.
Then the two of them ride into the tree, presumably to over the hills and far away. Some blood squirts out. The tree goes still, and Lady VT's wrist is still sticking out of the tree. Ichabod faints. FAINT NUMBER 9. Scene 28 A carriage is rolling along the path they took in the beginning. Katrina kisses Ichabod on the cheek and he wakes up.
ICKY: Oh! Just in time for the new century!
AUDIENCE: Huh?
They are in New York. Katrina and Ichabod exit the carriage, followed by Young Masbeth, who is heavily weighed down with bags.
YOUNG MASBETH: Just you wait sir, I'll get you for this!
ICKY: What are you going to do, Skywalker? It's the end of the movie!
YOUNG MASBETH: Yeah, but I'll get you in the sequel!
ICKY: What? A sequel! Oh no!
TIM BURTON: Actually, there won't be a sequel. I promised Jack a Nightmare Before Christmas two, so we'll be working on that and Big Fish and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory for the next few years.
ICKY: Cool! Can I be in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?
JD AND TIM BURTON FANS: Yeah, can he Tim? PLEEEASE?!
TIM BURTON: That, my friend, is a story that will have to wait until another day.
AUDIENCE: Wait, isn't that the ending to another movie?
TIM BURTON: Ummm....
JACK THE PUMPKIN KING/ SCARECROW: Come on Tim! Stop-motion takes a long time to film and I want to get this movie done before my singing skills get rusty!
NAJA: Will somebody please end this thing?! My hands are sore from typing!
ICKY: Okay. THE END!
TIM BURTON FANS: Squeeeee!
EVERYBODY ELSE: Oh crap.
We see some kind of red liquid dropping on something brown.
OBSESSIVE AUDIENCE MEMBERS: No way is that blood.
A young hand squeezes an old hand. We then see a will being written, and signed by a Peter Van Garret, witnessed by Jonathan Van Garret.
AUDIENCE: I suspect this is important information, so I'll try and remember. Meh, (they forget)
The will is folded up and the suspicious definitely-not-blood is dripped and sealed.
OBSESSIVE AUDIENCE MEMBERS: It was wax! I told you it wasn't blood!
AUDIENCE: Shut up.
Scene 2 The Van Garret carriage is riding along through cornfields to scary music. Peter Van Garret looks out the window and sees a scarecrow with a pumpkin head.
SCARECROW: I am Jack, the Pumpkin King! (he sings a song)
TIM BURTON FANS: Yay! It's Jack the Pumpkin King! HOORAY!
EVERYBODY ELSE: O_o
SCARECROW: Yeah, the Nightmare Before Christmas was my big moment. Now, I'm reduced to cameos in other Tim Burton films.
The carriage continues on. Lightning flashes, and the driver looks scared. He speeds up the horses.
PETER VAN GARRET: I swear that scarecrow talked. I must be going senile, good thing I just wrote my will.
We hear some weird swordy noises almost drowned out by the scary music. Peter Van Garret looks outside the carriage and sees his driver- headless.
DRIVER: Well that was the smallest role I ever played.
Peter Van Garret jumps off the carriage and begins to run through the cornfields. He bumps into the scarecrow.
TIM BURTON FANS: It's Jack again!
SCARECROW: You promised me a sequel Tim! GIVE ME MY SEQUEL!
A horse snorts. Peter Van Garret turns and his head is chopped off. We see blood splattered on the scarecrows face.
SCARECROW: Eew! Can I get someone from makeup here?
Scene 3
TIM BURTON: Okay, audience, you had most of the speaking parts in the first two scenes. Now SHUT UP AND LET ME MAKE MY ïâï¤ï¤ï¡ï¦ï²ï¥ï¡ï«ï©ï® MOVIE!
FANS: Yes, mister Burton sir.
New York City, 1799
MAN WITH VERY STUPID ENGLISH ACCENT: (ringing a bell) Hello! Somebody come over here so I can stop ringing this annoying bell!
Some coppers run over to Man With Very Stupid English Accent, who is kneeling over a dock and looking into what we can assume is the Thames. The shot changes and we realize that the Man With Very Stupid English Accent is in fact Johnny Depp.
JD FANS: Oh my god! *hyperventilate* will you listen to him! That accent is even better than Captain Jack Sparrow! *roll on floor laughing*
TIM BURTON: I thought I told you to shut up!
JD FANS: Yes, mister Burton sir.
JOHNNY: In this movie, due to Tim's twisted sense of humor, I have ended up with the name Ichabod Crane.
EVERYBODY: O_o
JOHNNY: But you can call me Icky.
EVERYBODY: O_O
A dead guy floats up out of the water. They drag him in to some kind of dungeon.
BOSSY DUDE: Burn the body.
ICKY: Wait! I want to chop it up and do weird things to it!
BOSSY DUDE: Why?
ICKY: Um... because...
BOSSY DUDE: You're not a necrophiliac, are you?
ICKY: I need to find out the cause of death! That's why! No necrophilia at all...
BOSSY DUDE: Tough luck, I'm mean and I'm related to Feo.
Scene 4
ICKY: Blah blah blah medieval torture... blah blah sense and justice...
BOSSY DUDE NUMBER TWO: Shut up or we'll throw you in the cells! Can't you see everybody's asleep?
ICKY: Let's use some science! Blah blah blah...
BOSSY DUDE NUMBER TWO: We're sending you off to Sleepy Hollow for some weird reason. Somebody make up a reason.
BOSSY DUDE: There have been a number of murders there, sir.
BOSSY DUDE NUMBER TWO: Perfect, go and get murdered, I mean, investigate! Yes. Investigate.
ICKY: Um... I liked the throw me in the cells idea better.
Scene 5
We see some very strange gadgets lying on a table. Ichabod packs them away. He then takes a cardinal out of its cage.
CARDINAL: Look! I'm an important symbol in this movie!
ICKY: Oh be quiet or I'll throw you out the window
CARDINAL: You wouldn't dare! I'm a symbol!
ICKY: Wanna bet?
He throws the cardinal out the window.
Scene 6 We see a rolling landscape, and Ichabod's carriage going past. Some very belated credits show up... 'Johnny Depp'...
JD FANS: Faint! Swoon! JOHNNY!!!
EVERYBODY ELSE: Will you guys just be quiet?!
The credits say some more stuff, and we see the carriage driving through some more credits... 'Christina Ricci'...'Sleepy Hollow'... 'Miranda Richardson'
BLACKADDER FANS: Say that again?
EVERYBODY ELSE: What, Miranda Richardson?
BLACKADDER FANS: Wait a minute...
Some more credits appear. We see Ichabod looking through his journal. There are maps and some drawings of what look like torture machines. The carriage continues, as do the credits.
DRIVER: I swear I've driven past this tree three times.
TIM BURTON: Shut up, we had more credits to roll than we expected.
Ichabod takes out a very strange looking metal device. Then he looks at some weird little scars on his hand.
SCARS: We are significant in the movie too! Remember us!
The carriage drives on into the night. They finally arrive at Sleepy Hollow. Ichabod walks in.
TIM BURTON FANS: Gee, this looks an awful lot like Halloween Town.
TIM BURTON: There were some budget cuts and we had to recycle the set.
FANS: I see.
Ichabod walks through the town, looking around. Everybody closes their windows on him.
ICKY: (in weird southern accent) I just wanted to fit in. (switching back to his deteriorating English accent) Hey! Look! A weird wooden bunker thingy. And a kid and his dad!
DAD AND KID: We are important like the scars and the cardinal and the Van Garrets!
ICKY: Yeah, whatever.
Ichabod keeps walking, past another pumpkin scarecrow.
JACK THE PUMPKIN KING/SCARECROW: It's me again! Hello!
TIM BURTON FANS: Hi Jack.
Ichabod walks up the hill and knocks on an Inn door. He sees two people kissing in the shadows.
PEOPLE KISSING IN THE SHADOWS: We are also significant! Like the scars and the cardinal and the Van Garrets and the dad and kid and...
ICKY: I know this is a mystery movie, but this is really getting stupid.
He enters the Inn. Katrina is dancing in circles with a blindfold on singing a weird song.
KATRINA: Oh! Look! Johnny Depp! I'd better make up some excuse to kiss him!
ICKY: Um. Right
She kisses him. Another guy called Brom stands and looks jealous.
BROM: Stay away from my girl!
ICKY: Shut up Cyclops. I mean Brom. Meh, same diff. Jealous boyfriend of the love interest. Now, I need to find Baltus Van Tassel for some reason.
KATRINA: Yeah, he's my dad. I'm Katrina Van Tassel.
BROM: And who the hell are you?
ICKY: Get stuffed.
Brom grabs Ichabod and is about to fight, but Baltus Van Tassel enters.
BALTUS: I'm now going to start an obnoxiously long banter about nothing in particular in my English accent that's even more annoying that Ichabod's was.
ICKY: I'm Ichabod Crane. I'm investigating the murders
LADY VAN TASSEL: How spiffing.
BLACKADDER FANS: It's Queenie! IT'S QUEENIE, LOOK! HAHA!
EVERYBODY ELSE: What?
BLACKADDER FANS: Never mind.
BALTUS: Right, you can crash here. But I'll say it properly because I'm supposed to be a posh English idiot.
Scene 7
Ichabod is in his rooms, unpacking various weird metal devices that make people with active imaginations cringe. He then comes down and enters a parlor. Baltus and Lady Van Tassel are standing there.
TIM BURTON FANS: See the swirly dress she's wearing? Sure sign of a Tim Burton movie, lots of pretty swirls.
NAJA (ALSO A TIM BURTON, BLACKADDER AND JD FAN): Give me that dress, Queenie!
BALTUS: (to Lady Van Tassel) Piss off, darling.
Lady Van Tassel obediently hurries away.
BALTUS: Now I have to introduce a very large amount of old guys.
ICKY: Great.
BALTUS: There's Dr Lancaster (an old man with a Satan beard), Reverend Steenwick (another old man with a wig like a poodle), Magistrate Samuel Philips (a guy who looks suspiciously like Vernon Dursley from the Harry Potter movies), and this really freaky looking guy is James Hardenbrook (a man with one white eye and a mullet. If that's not freaky, what is?)
ICKY: Sorry? I was sleeping. Who are you again?
BALTUS: I'm just a simple farmer. But by night, I am: (drum roll) the landlord, and the banker!
ICKY: Um... okay. Well now I'm going to explain the plot while walking around in circles. I would stand still but I'm actually too short to intimidate you. So Peter Van Garret, that dude in the cornfield, Dirk Van Garret, his son, and the Widow Winship, this other lady, have been found headless. I'm just gonna cut to the chase here, solve the mystery twenty minutes into the movie: Do you guys know who it is?
Magistrate Philips coughs into his tea. The old guys look at each other.
BALTUS: Do you actually know anything about what's going on?
ICKY: No, not really. Their heads were found severed from their bodies?
STEENWICK: Their heads were not found at all. Dunh dunh duuuuuuuuunh!
ICKY: I might just go back to New York now.
HARDENBROOK: The heads were taken. Taken by the headless horseman. Taken back to hell.
STEENWICK: Dunh dunh duuuuuuuuunh!
ICKY: Who is this weird old guy anyway?
BALTUS: We don't actually tell you until much later in the movie but he's in charge of stuff that gets written down. But now, time for a long rant and some flashbacks. The horseman is a Hessian Mercenary.
ICKY: He was a sack?
BALTUS: No. He was sent here to kill people.
The scenery changes and we see what is apparently twenty years ago. The headless horseman, who now has a head and is therefore just the Horseman, appears. He looks a little bit like a cross between Billy Crystal and Gollum.
HORSEMAN: My lines in this movie consist of Aargh! Aah! And YAAAAAGH!
AUDIENCE: No way, I bet you say something else. It's not possible for a significant character to make it the whole way through the movie only screaming.
HORSEMAN: Watch me.
BALTUS'S VOICE OVER: He had a steed called daredevil. He ran around chopping people's heads off. He filed his teeth sharp. Of course now that he's headless having sharp teeth will be a definite sign of identification. As opposed to not having a head.
We see the horseman riding through the snow, and then the horse is shot. He pats the dead horse, and then some people start chasing him. He runs through the woods, and runs into two young girls in the middle of the forest, wearing identical pink dresses and carrying wood.
GIRLS: We are also significant!
HORSEMAN: This is the only time I get to say something other than argh. SSH!
The two girls consider this. For a moment they look like they're actually going to let a pale man with fuzzy hair, freaky blue eyes, a large sword and blackening sharp teeth get away. Then one girl looks very malicious. She snaps one of the twigs with much ceremony. The soldiers come chasing and the girls run away. There is a big fight between horseman and soldiers.
HORSEMAN: Yaargh! Aah! Raaar! Aaaaargh! Ryaaaaar! Ha! Raaaa! Ha! Yarr! Whaaaaaar!
(Note from Author: I did not make that bit up, it was taken directly from the movie)
BALTUS: They chopped off his head with his own sword. Blah, blah blah... the Western Woods are now haunted.
They bury the horseman, dropping his head in after, and stick the sword in. The horse, which is now completely recovered for some magical reason, comes over and stands next to the sword.
BALTUS: And now he's running around chopping off people's heads again.
We see that Ichabod's saucer is jittering.
AUDIENCE: Wait a minute, he's a big coward, isn't he?
ICKY: No I'm not!
AUDIENCE: Boo!
ICKY: AAAAAAGH!
AUDIENCE: See?
STEENWYCK: Why don't you read the Bible?
ICKY: I'd rather a manual on Headless Horsemen, but this will do.
He opens the bible. There is a family tree in the front- the Van Tassels are related to the Van Garrets.
ICKY: I don't believe all this horseman crap anyway.
AUDIENCE: Oh yeah? BOO!
ICKY: AAGH! THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN!
Scene 8 It's outdoors, and the big tree house that we saw the dad and kid standing outside it now contains the dad. It seems to be some sort of outpost. Some sheep start running away from the forest. Then a weird mist comes in and puts out the two torches marking the entryway.
DAD: (cocking gun from inside the box) Come out so I can blast the bujeesus out of you. We'll just ignore the fact that you're already dead.
We hear a horse galloping. The Dad's eyes widen. Then the Dad is running through the woods. We're assuming they're the Western Woods.
AUDIENCE: Um, wouldn't you just stay in your nice wooden box with your very nice rifle?
DAD: Never would have thought of that.
The Horseman chases him and chops off his head. We get a lovely close up of Dad's head.
Scene 9
The next morning in the town. A pretty grey horse, which I'm guessing is a Welsh is lead out. Ichabod looks at it.
WELSH HORSE GUY: His name's Goonpowdeh.
ICKY: Come again?
WELSH HORSE GUY: The horse is a Welsh. I've got a Welsh accent. Get it?
ICKY: Oh dear god.
A very pregnant girl exits a house followed by a redhead, the midwife.
MIDWIFE: I'm a midwife. Just in case you couldn't tell by my reassuring a pregnant girl we're going to do a big close up of the sign outside my house. Hey Welsh Horse Guy! Come inside so the audience can see that we're married and we have a son.
GUY ON A HORSE NEAR THE OUTPOST: Murder! There's another headless guy!
ICKY: Okay, time for a comic scene in which I can't control my horse.
AUDIENCE: You're a pretty hopeless lead aren't you? You're yellower than Rincewind and you can't ride a horse.
ICKY: Yes. But I'm still very hot.
JD FANS: Can't argue with that.
There are quite a few men crowded around the body of Dad in the woods.
ICKY: I finally arrived. So let's have a look at this body.
DR LANCASTER: His name was Jonathan Nasbeth.
ICKY: Despite being a constable and having a fascination with cutting up dead people I'm still all grossed out and skittish.
BALTUS: Alright, lets' have a little argument about nothing in particular
ICKY: Sounds good to me. I'm just going to shout at Dr Lancaster!
DR LANCASTER: Not very smart for a lead, either.
ICKY: I'm going to run around playing horsie and looking weird, re-enacting the scene. See? I'm the headless horseman, but I have a head and no horse, and I'm going to run around and look a bit like Monty Python but without the coconuts.
EVERYBODY ELSE: Riiiiiight.
Ichabod opens up his very cool case, and takes out a little bottle rack. He tips some stuff around.
ICKY: I'm just going to pretend I know what I'm doing.
He puts on some brilliant kooky glasses.
ICKY: These are my kooky glasses. They make me look smart.
AUDIENCE: No, they make you look like Toad from X-Men.
Ichabod picks at the skin of the neck and a bug crawls out.
ICKY: AAGH! A BUG!!!
BALTUS: What?
ICKY: His head was chopped off by a hot blade. Not that this is in any way relevant. I'm just making up some excuse so nobody notices that I'm terrified of everything.
Scene 10 It is Dad's funeral. We see the dad's son standing and looking angry. Everybody leaves except him, with Ichabod last.
YOUNG MASBETH: Excuse me mister Ichabod!
ICKY: Ah, you're young Masbeth.
YOUNG MASBETH: Well now I'm the one and only Masbeth. And I want to avenge my father, like all orphaned boys before me.
ICKY: Well One-And-Only Masbeth, you can get stuffed.
ONE OR TWO MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE: One and only Masbeth! That's funny. Hahahaha... fine, don't anybody else laugh then.
YOUNG MASBETH: That's not fair! They let Luke Skywalker do it!
ICKY: Go buy yourself a light saber, then talk to me.
YOUNG MASBETH: Light saber?! It's 1799!
ICKY: Exactly.
Young Masbeth goes off in search of a light saber. Magistrate Philips approaches.
MAGISTRATE PHILIPS: There were actually five dead people. Five in four graves.
ICKY: Huh? This mystery is getting really perplexing. I need some help. Young Masbeth! Come back here!
YOUNG MASBETH: I found one!
ICKY: What?
YOUNG MASBETH: A light saber! I found one!
ICKY: Well throw it away, it's not important.
YOUNG MASBETH: But if the horseman's blade was heated this could be his weapon.
ICKY: Shut up! Sidekicks are not allowed to be smarter than the lead.
YOUNG MASBETH: Boy, this is gonna be tough.
Scene 11 Ichabod and some others are in the cemetery, digging up the victims. They find Widow Winship.
INTELLIGENT MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE: Um, duh, she was pregnant. The horseman probably decapitated the baby, too.
They carry her in to Dr Lancaster's surgery and stick her on the operating table.
DR LANCASTER: What the hell?
ICKY: We're checking out the body. Now everybody get out! I'm going to have my way with... I mean, investigate the body.
He hurries everybody out, Dr Lancaster muttering something about necrophilia. Ichabod grabs his kooky glasses and weird contraptions and begins messing around and so forth. A few moments later he exits, covered from head to toe in blood. The five old guys stare at him.
ICKY: All done. We are dealing with a madman!
DR LANCASTER: As opposed to somebody who has conspicuous relations with dead people.
ICKY: The widow was pregnant!
AUDIENCE: Duh.
Scene 12 It is nighttime again. There is a boxy bridge, which looks alarmingly familiar.
BRIDGE: I'm the bridge from BeetleJuice, but I thought I'd make a quick appearance here, too.
Ichabod rides slowly through the bridge, Goonpowdeh clopping loudly.
AUDIENCE: Um, could somebody tell the sound effects guy that horses have four legs, not two?
A horse screams, obviously the headless horseman's horse. Ichabod looks at the entrance to the bridge, but there is nobody there.
ICKY: (shaking) Is that the headless horseman?
The horseman hoves into view. He is holding a burning Jack-O-Lantern.
TIM BURTON FANS: No! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO JACK?!
Ichabod and Goonpowdeh ride away as fast as they can. The horseman is still chasing him. For some strange reason the horseman throws the pumpkin at him and hits Ichabod squarely in the head.
ICKY: Ow! That really hurt!
The horseman rides away. Ichabod looks very confused. The horseman rounds a corner and stops. Some men take his horse, and we realize it was Brom. Ichabod hears their laughing, and leans his head back. This is faint number one.
FAINT NUMBER 1
Scene 13
We now have a flashback to Ichabod's traumatic past. There is a very pretty garden and blindfolded woman in a blue dress is dancing. Ichabod the young boy walks into the garden. The woman kisses him on the cheek. She takes off her blindfold and the boy gives her some blue flowers. Suddenly a red door appears.
RED DOOR: I am also significant!
The woman then throws the blue flowers in the fire. The door is gone. She begins to draw things in the ash at the hearth. Naturally they are swirls. Then we see a mean looking old man. He's gone, and young Ichabod's bed is there. The mother is tucking him in. She spins a little cardinal-optical- illusion thingy, which is very significant indeed. Then we get another flash of the old man and the red door then Ichabod wakes up, sitting up so fast that he bashes into the camera.
ICKY: Ouch!
He gets up and walks downstairs. Then he hears something in the next room. It is Katrina reading.
ICKY: Oh, it's you. I'll just be off.
KATRINA: Come back, I want to kiss you again!
She hides the books.
ICKY: Why are you hiding the books?
KATRINA: As if you don't hide naughty books under your mattress.
ICKY: Oh. Right. I see.
KATRINA: Anyway, my mother's dead and that's important to the plot. She died of a disease and the woman who cared for her is now my stepmum- Lady Van Tassel.
BLACKADDER FANS: Queenie!
ICKY: Aren't' the Van Tassels and Van Garrets related?
KATRINA: Yeah, we're all inbred here.
ICKY: Eew.
KATRINA: The Van Garrets were totally loaded. We used to live in this dingy little cottage, which will turn out to be remarkably like that one in your dream. You wanna see?
ICKY: Yeah, whatever.
KATRINA: Here, have a book of magic spells. Being a scientific man it will be completely useless but you never know.
ICKY: (opening the book) It was your mum's?
KATRINA: Yeah, if you keep it close to your heart you'll be protected.
ICKY: Cool.
They ride down to the cottage ruins. As they jump off their horses she sees the scars on his palms.
KATRINA: What's with the scars?
ICKY: None of your business.
KATRINA: Right, er, I'll just show you around. Look, a hearth just like yours. And some blue flowers just like yours! And now I'll draw pictures just like yours!
ICKY: Ooooooooooookay.
KATRINA: And an archer carved into the wall. I think it's significant. It was here when we moved in.
ICKY: My past is resurfacing! Help!
A cardinal appears.
KATRINA: Look, the very symbolic cardinal! Isn't it cute. I wanted a pet cardinal but I couldn't keep it in a cage.
ICKY: Now isn't that a weird coincidence. I'll show you my cardinal–in-cage trick.
He spins the cardinal in cage spinner.
KATRINA: How very symbolic.
Scene 14
We see the Dr Lancaster, Reverend Steenwyck, Magistrate Philips and Hardenbrook all arguing. There is no sound, though. The Magistrate exits, followed by Ichabod. He appears to be leaving town. Ichabod follows him out of town, and then rides up.
ICKY: Are you shooting through? Listen, why don't you give me a hand with this mystery?
PHILIPS: I'd really love to, since you're such a dumb lead, but I'll get my head chopped off.
Another Pumpkin-headed scarecrow waves frighteningly in the wind.
JACK THE PUMPKIN KING/SCARECROW: I'm BAAAACK!
ICKY: How did you know the widow was up the duff?
PHILIPS: She told me.
ICKY: So you're the father.
PHILIPS: No. And I'm not telling you the father's name, either. She wanted to protect the child's rights or some crap. Blah blah blah, the horseman killed her.
ICKY: Bulldust.
Right on cue, there is a flash of lightning. The sheep all run away, because sheep are actually smarter than people but they're very good at pretending not to be.
ICKY: Oh shitake mushrooms! It's the horseman!
PHILIPS: Oh no! The horseman! I'll hold up my magical talisman!
HORSEMAN: I would say 'oh my god, how pathetic' but I'm restricted to 'AARGH!'
He chops off Philip's head. The head rolls right to where no man's head should roll- between Ichabod's legs.
ICKY: Gross, but... well, he is dead... Hah. Dead head head.
AUDIENCE: So wrong and so not funny, Ichabod.
Ichabod begins considering this idea, but the horseman rides up to him. The horseman comes up and spears the head, only just missing poor Ichabod's wossnames. Naturally, Ichabod faints.
FAINT NUMBER 2
Scene 15
Some people enter Ichabod's room. He is huddled in the corner of his bed, in the corner of the room, back against the wall and blankets pulled up to his nose, shaking like a leaf.
JD FANS: Awww! He looks like Sam!
Baltus, Young Masbeth and Katrina enter.
ICKY: Ohmygodohmygodohmygod I'M TRAUMATISED! IT WAS A HEADLESS HORSEMAN
BALTUS: Told you so.
ICKY: I'm so traumatized my stupid English accent is beginning to resurface.
BALTUS: I thought you'd lost that a little while ago.
ICKY: I did.
He faints. Again.
FAINT NUMBER 3
Young Masbeth: Riiiiight.
Scene 16 Another flashback. This time the woman, who we can safely assume is his mother, is spinning around in circles. She flies up into the air. Then we see young Ichabod peeking through the door. The mean-looking man, possibly father, has her by the hair. He shoves her down to her knees in front of the fire, slamming a bible in the dust drawings. Then he drags her down the corridor to a red door. Ichabod wakes up and shouts, lunging forward and hitting the camera yet again.
ICKY: Ouch... there's gotta be a less painful way to do this.
Downstairs, the four old guys are arguing.
BALTUS: This guy is hopeless! We need a lead that's courageous, intelligent, and without a stupid resurfacing English accent!
RED DWARF FANS: Ace Rimmer!
Ichabod is pacing in his rooms, twirling the cardinal/cage twirly thing. He comes downstairs.
ICKY: Everybody! I'm off to the Western Woods! Who's coming?
BALTUS: We thought you'd gone mad
ICKY: Of course not! Millennium hand and shrimp!
AUDIENCE: (muttering) Of course he's not mad, going into the Western Woods. Perfectly sane thing to do.
ICKY: So who'll join me?
CRICKETS: Chirp. Chirp.
YOUNG MASBETH: I'll go!
ICKY: Shutup Skywalker, you're only five feet tall.
Scene 17
Ichabod and Young Masbeth are riding through the forest.
ICKY: So, do you think there's any connection between the murders? There were the two Van Garrets, the widow Winship, your dad and Magistrate Philips...
YOUNG MASBETH: He worked for the Van Garrets. But VG Senior and Junior had this big blue over something or other, and then later VG Senior sent for my dad.
ICKY: Ah! A clue! Write it down, Young Masbeth.
YOUNG MASBETH: I don't have a pen and paper, sir.
ICKY: Don't worry, I'm sure I'll remember it.
YOUNG MASBETH: Listen.
ICKY: I can't hear anything.
YOUNG MASBETH: Exactly. Nobody can hear anything. And do you know why we can't hear anything?
ICKY: Why?
YOUNG MASBETH: Because there are no sounds to be heard.
RED DWARF FANS: (laughing) I get it!
ICKY: O_o
They continue riding. Soon a weird singing noise can be heard. They reach a cave. Both jump off their horses and walk in, Ichabod drawing his gun and pushing Young Masbeth in front of him.
YOUNG MASBETH: Sir, why am I standing in front of you?
ICKY: Because you're too young to live.
YOUNG MASBETH: There's something wrong with that sentence.
A witch is sitting in front of a fire.
ICKY: Witch! I mean, um, could you witch us? I mean help us? Witch... no! I didn't mean to say witch, I meant witch! No, not that... uh, never mind.
The witch puts down a dead cardinal. Young Masbeth and Ichabod go to leave but she grabs Ichabod.
WITCH: Dude! Johnny Depp has just come bumbling into my cave! Yoink!
ICKY: Uh, thankyou ma'am but I'm not particularly attracted to the living... er, that is to say, I'm not attracted to the dead at all either, no not a bit indeed, but... I mean... oh, forget I said anything.
WITCH: Now scarper, kid, and if you hear any weird noises just stay outside.
YOUNG MASBETH: Not that I need any encouragement, but what kind of noises are we talking about?
ICKY: My terrified screams of agony?
WITCH: His animal moans of ecstasy.
ICKY: What? Really? Well, yes, don't come in then Skywalker. Yes, leave us in here for all the time you want...
The witch leads him to another room, and sits opposite him at a table. She chains herself to her chair.
ICKY: O_O kinky...
She starts preparing some kind of potion. She takes a bat and chops off its head.
BAT: I'm the headless bat of Sleepy Hollow!
WITCH: Now I'm going to help you with this horseman thing...
ICKY: Um... okay. I wanted a man, not a bat.
WITCH: Shutup, you ignorant fool. I'm about to be possessed.
Her eyes suddenly pop out and she lunges at Ichabod.
ICKY: Hey, you look really dead! All blue and moldy and everything! Now this is fun!!!
POSESSED WITCH: Shut up! Now follow the Indian trail to the tree of the dead, blah blah blah, horseman's resting place, quest guidey stuff and curses and so on and so forth!
ICKY: So this isn't about a mad session of passion, then?
POSESSED WITCH: Business before pleasure, Ick. But now that business is over...
Scene 18 Ichabod comes out of the cave, buckling up his pants. Climbing on his horse, he and Young Masbeth begin to trot through the forest.
YOUNG MASBETH: So let me get this straight: the witch told you to take a trail to a dead tree?
ICKY: Tree of the dead.
YOUNG MASBETH: The tree of the dead, and find the horseman's resting place, and nothing else at all and you mean nothing in particular or in any way unusual or inappropriate for my young ears to hear happened?
ICKY: Exactly. You do learn fast.
They see a rider in white on a white horse through the trees.
ICKY: I'll just jump off my nice, safe, tall horse with big hoofs and teeth for killing any enemy that I might approach and go and investigate on foot.
It turns out to be Katrina.
KATRINA: Hey Ichabod, thought I'd follow you here because you're just so hot and all. Naturally you would be completely in love with me.
ICKY: Well, yes, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You see there's this witch and she's sort of sometimes dead which I find really attractive and...
KATRINA: I'm here to help you on your hunt. And there's a high risk that I might die.
ICKY: Really? How intriguing and good for my ego. Let me take your hand and lean forward to kiss you
KATRINA: Sounds good to me
They get about two inches from each other, when, predictably, Young Masbeth enters.
YOUNG MASBETH: He's a necrophiliac, you know.
KATRINA: What's one of those?
ICKY: Somebody who will love you even when you get old and die, my dearest.
KATRINA: Really? How romantic!
YOUNG MASBETH: (muttering) Yeah, if you don't take him literally. Anyway so while you two were about to have a romantic moment I thought I'd actually get to work and find the tree. It's over here.
They all go over to the tree. It is twisted and weird and on a little hill. It looks very frightening. Ichabod walks up to it and touches something dripping. It is blood.
ICKY: It's blood.
KATRINA: We figured.
He grabs an axe and begins chopping at one of the roots, which bleeds. It covers him in blood as he hacks, and he gets a very odd look on his face as he throws away the branch. Then he pulls at a piece of tree and yanks it away to reveal the heads.
AUDIENCE: Eeeew, gross!
ICKY: (drooling) aah, I mean, how vile and disgusting! I'm just going to jump to a huge conclusion and declare that this tree is a gateway.
He climbs up and sees the horseman's sword buried in the ground.
ICKY: Somebody's been digging here.
YOUNG MASBETH: How can you tell?
ICKY: Believe me, I know a lot about digging up the dead with little provocation.
Time passes. We see the hole is dug. There is a skeleton, headless, lying there.
AUDIENCE: Wait! They dropped his head in with him in that flashback! Just before Icky hit his head on the camera.
ICKY: (muttering) Still got a bruise from that. Clearly he's taking the heads because somebody took his.
The heads begin to make slimy noises and move.
EASILY GROSSED OUT AUDIENCE MEMBERS: I feel sick!
The heads roll away and the horseman suddenly bursts out from under the tree. He turns, rearing the horse, then rides away. Of course there's a thunderstorm going now. Ichabod jumps on Goonpowdeh and rides after him.
Scene 18 Back in town, we see the little boy- Thomas, the midwife and the Welsh Horse Guy's son. He lights a little lantern, which makes lights of witches, dragons and other vastly misunderstood characters on the wall. The midwife comes in to the room where Thomas is. Welsh Horse Guy is still in the kitchen. Suddenly the fire flares up enormously.
PYROS IN THE AUDIENCE: COOL!
The horseman barges in, axe in hand. Welsh Horse guy shouts a warning to the wife and breaks a chair over the horseman, which has no effect. He takes a sword and keeps on fighting. The mother shoves Thomas through a hatch in the floor so he is under the house, but stays in the other room herself.
AUDIENCE: What? Why doesn't she go too? Ah, who knows the reasoning behind what redheads do?
(Author's note: Excuse my slur against redheads. Many of my friends are redheads. I myself have been a redhead. I mean no offence. Blondes, on the other hand...)
The horseman chops off Welsh Horse Guy's head.
AUDIENCE: Hooray! No more annoying Welsh accent!
He then opens the door where the wife has been hiding. The shadows are still moving around the walls. He is carrying the husband's head. The boy crawls away, for some reason, looking up as the horseman walks away. We hear a slashing noise, a whimper, and then something rolls noisily across the floor. No prizes for guessing what it is. The kid runs some more, and curls up in a corner. The horseman goes to leave, but then suddenly stops and turns. He hacks a hole in the floor. Instead of running, the dumb kid cowers. The horseman pulls him out and the kid screams. The horseman leaves the house with a little duffle bag for the heads.
NAJA: Look! He has a bag for the heads! Isn't that cool!
AUDIENCE: That's sick!
Brom rides up and shoots the horseman off the horse.
NAJA: Where's the bag! He's not holding it and it's not on the horse! He lost his little head duffle bag! I want a little head duffle bag...
AUDIENCE: That's really sick. Wait, you're the one that wrote this, aren't you?
NAJA: Yeeeeessss.
AUDIENCE: You're really, REALLY sick!
NAJA: I bet you're laughing though.
Brom walks up to finish off the horseman.
BROM: Oh, wait a second, it might have been a good idea to reload BEFORE the horseman got back up again...
AUDIENCE: You're so dumb you deserve to die.
FEMALE MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE: Pity. He was a bit cute. But dumb. We can live without as long as Johnny's still here.
Brom and the horseman fight for some time. Brom first uses his rifle as a club, then when the horseman walks away he is dumb enough to call him back by throwing a dagger in him. The horseman spins and throws the dagger into Brom's leg. At that moment Ichabod jumps off Goonpowdeh.
AUDIENCE: That horse is slow, isn't it?
ICKY: No, I just can't control it, remember? I ended up in the Eastern woods.
Brom grabs two sickles.
NAJA: Sickles and duffle bags and heads, oh my!
Ichabod goes to stop Brom.
ICKY: You know if you just leave him alone he'll leave you alone. Just like a lot of misunderstood creatures, really.
BROM: But then I wouldn't be heroic and manly!
ICKY: Good point. Give me a sickle!
Ichabod gets the horseman a good one in the back and they dash under the BeetleJuice bridge. Turning, they hear footsteps. But there is nobody on the bridge.
AUDIENCE: The roof, dummies, he's on the roof!!!
He drops down behind them, and stabs Ichabod through the heart.
JD FANS: NOOOOOO!!! JOHNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After some fighting, he also kills Brom. Ichabod was alive enough to watch this, but then he faints again. FAINT NUMBER 4.
Scene 19 We're back in Ichabod's room. The doctor is looking at the stab wound.
DR LANCASTER: Damn, the stupid bugger didn't die. I see this as unfair.
Ichabod snaps awake again, but this time he doesn't lunge up.
ICKY: Hey, it worked! I didn't hit the camera...
DR LANCASTER: What? Clearly you have a fever and are raving about not hitting cameras for some reason. Go back to sleep
ICKY: But I might hit the camera when I wake up!
DR LANCASTER: Just shut up!
He hits Ichabod over the head. Cut to Katrina's kitchen. She is chanting something over a bubbling cauldron. Then she goes over to the table and cuts off the foot of a dead crow that is lying there, and puts it in the potion.
AUDIENCE: What's that for? To cure eye wrinkles?
We see Ichabod lying there with his shirt half open. Katrina walks in.
JD FANS: (drooling everywhere) Shirt... gone... oh god he's hot...
ICKY: The horseman kills only certain people! He only killed Brom because he was stupid and deserved to die, and so that Katrina could be mine! It was somebody who had the horseman's skull. Somebody who knew where to dig because they were related to him, BALTUS.
BALTUS: You are nuts. Doctor, hit him harder.
ICKY: I am not! Millennium hand and shrimp, buggrit, I tole' em I did!
Katrina pours the potion into his mouth and he faints again
FAINT NUMBER 5
Scene 20 Ichabod is having yet another flashback. The red door, and now the mean old father guy walking though it. It's a church, all painted white. Young Ichabod watches from the pews. The door opens and we see what looks like the workshop from Edward Scissorhands, or perhaps the Trick or Treater's home in the Nightmare Before Christmas.
TIM BURTON FANS: More set recycling, Tim?
TIM BURTON: Silence, scum!
There are various spiked torture machines around. There is a human shaped case, and inside we can see the eyes of Ichabod's Mum.
ICHABOD'S MUM: Ichabod...
Young Ichabod gets so surprised he slams his hands down on one of the torture devices.
AUDIENCE: So THAT'S where he got those scars.
Then the case opens, and a lot of blood and Ichabod's mum come gushing out. Ichabod screams and leaps up for a third time, but now he runs into Katrina instead of the camera. They hug for a few moments.
KATRINA: Nightmares?
ICKY: Flashbacks.
He looks at his hands, which are bleeding again.
KATRINA: What kind of flashback? Do tell...
ICKY: My mother was killed by my father, as the audience will have probably guessed from the flashbacks. I was seven, blah blah blah, and now I'm only interested in science. I really need to go back to New York.
KATRINA: That's not fair, we're about a third of the way through the movie and we've just got your shirt open!
ICKY: I'll just make up some romantic crap so you'll kiss me.
KATRINA: Okay!
ICKY: You sure don't seem to be mourning about Brom
KATRINA: Screw Brom!
ICKY: Perhaps there is a bit of witch in you, Katrina.
KATRINA: Was it that potion that made you guess?
ICKY: No, you've bewitched me.
AUDIENCE: Tacky. Really, really tacky.
Scene 21
Ichabod wakes up again. It's now daytime, and Lady Van Tassel is sitting over his bed.
LADY VAN TASSEL: The servant girl is gone. This is very significant.
ICKY: What isn't?
She leaves and Young Masbeth enters. We get the feeling that time passes and Ichabod is crawling around on the floor picking up bits of paper. He puts the papers with the names of the four old guys, excluding Baltus, on the table.
ICKY: Conspiracy, clearly. I'll just write down random thoughts that happen to spell out 'the secret conspiracy points to Baltus' and leave it lying around.
YOUNG MASBETH: Baltus is head honcho since the Van Garretts died.
ICKY: Wait a second! So if the VGs are loaded that means Baltus would inherit! I'm solving the mystery, aren't I smart?
They dash off to Hardenbrook's place, where there are piles of papers everywhere.
ICKY: We're looking for Van Garrett's will, remember.
YOUNG MASBETH: Hey, it's dad's bag.
Ichabod finds Hardenbrook in a cupboard.
ICKY: What are you doing here?
HARDENBROOK: I work here, stupid.
ICKY: We need Van Garret's will. Who was going to inherit.
HARDENBROOK: VG junior, of course.
ICKY: Yeah, but he's dead.
YOUNG MASBETH: I found the will in dad's bag.
ICKY: Give it here, Skywalker.
YOUNG MASBETH: You're welcome.
ICKY: Look, somebody's already opened this. So after his son he left this to the widow Winship? I see.
YOUNG MASBETH: Because according to this other piece of paper in dad's bag they secretly married.
ICKY: I've worked it out! So Reverend Steenwyck wed VG senior and Winship, Magistrate Philips gave protection of the law, Dr Bashmeovertheheadwillhe knew she was pregnant and you are in charge of these documents. So with Winship and the VGs out of the way Baltus would inherit! Blah blah blah... more crap about all this, Masbeth the older who knew about the will so he died, blah blah blah. Somebody had been doing voodoo on the horseman! Baltus has the skull!
YOUNG MASBETH: Could've told you that ages ago, sir.
Scene 22 Ichabod and Young Masbeth enter Ichabod's rooms to see Katrina reading the journal.
KATRINA: I've been reading what you've been writing.
ICKY: Oh... bugger.
KATRINA: My father wants you to get the hell out of here.
ICKY: Why?
KATRINA: Well you did write in big letters THE SECRET CONSPIRACY POINTS TO BALTUS
ICKY: Oh. That. Right, can you sort of make like a tree?
KATRINA: Fine.
She leaves, and Ichabod hides the will and marriage certificate in a drawer. Katrina sees him. A spider crawls out and Ichabod jumps onto a chair with a very feminine shriek.
ICKY: SPIDEE!
YOUNG MASBETH: Coward.
AUDIENCE: Coward.
ICKY: AAAAAGH!
YOUNG MASBETH: There's something under the bed.
ICKY: So move the bed and find out what it is!
YOUNG MASBETH: Okay
He moves the bed, and they see a pentacle drawn in pink chalk under his bed. It is littered with symbols.
YOUNG MASBETH: That's the evil eye. It's evil, you know.
NAJA: Actually that's a pentacle with an eye in the middle and some numbers around the outside. I'd say it was for a very powerful spell, possibly for protection. Or otherwise prophetic dreams, judging by the position...
EVERYBODY ELSE: Shut up!
Young Masbeth and Ichabod are sitting the room. It is now night, and they hear a noise.
ICKY: Look, a cloaked figure! Let's follow it.
The figure seems to be floating or rolling along through the woods.
AUDIENCE: Wow, I didn't know they had rollerskates in 1799.
YOUNG MASBETH: Yeah, but you thought that about light sabers, too.
Ichabod and Young Masbeth follow.
ICKY: You stay here, Skywalker.
Ichabod climbs over a hill to see Lady Van Tassel and Reverend Steenwyck having a fairly intimate moment. Lady Van Tassel takes a knife, and slices her hand open for some reason.
ICKY: I thought I was into some pretty weird stuff bit this is just wrong. The blood I can understand, but Steenwyck?
He and Young Masbeth return to his room. Ichabod opens the drawer where he hid the will and the marriage certificate. They are gone.
AUDIENCE: (with much sarcasm) Gee, we didn't see that one coming.
Scene 23 The papers are burning. Then we get a wider shot and see that it is Katrina burning them, in the hearth at the ruined cottage. Ichabod rides over.
ICKY: Why are you burning the papers? I thought you loved me!
KATRINA: They're not kidding. You are stupid for a lead. It's because you're going to accuse my father.
ICKY: Oh. That.
KATRINA: He's not guilty.
ICKY: I know about your weird little spells, you know
KATRINA: Whatever, you'd better find another answer. Just leave me alone.
ICKY: I can't do either of those. The movie would go on for too long if I had to start looking for answers all over again AND fall in love with a different girl.
KATRINA: Oh, screw you. I'm outta here.
She leaves.
Scene 24 Ichabod and Lady Van Tassel are in the kitchen.
LADY VT: She hates you and she never wants to talk to you again.
ICKY: Ah, clearly she's still madly in love with me.
LADY VT: Mr. Crane, have you seen my hand? (she waves it in front of his face) LOOK AT MY HAND! It's all cut open and yuck and you know why! Don't you? DON'T YOU!
BLACKADDER FANS: (proudly) That's our Queenie alright. Mad as a hatter.
Baltus enters.
BALTUS: Hardenbrook is dead!
AUDIENCE: What a surprise.
BALTUS: He hanged himself.
ICKY: Really? How odd. Not decapitated at all.
BALTUS: The villagers all think it's your fault. They're all off to the church to try and get rid of you. I'd scram if I were you. (he sees Lady VT's hand) What happened to your hand?
LADY VT: Oh, nothing at all suspicious. I'm going to go and pick some flowers to heal my hand, then we'll go to church.
Scene 25
Lady VT is picking flowers in the forest. Yet another thunderstorm is starting. Baltus rides over.
BALTUS: Lady, we really should leave now.
He sees the headless horseman riding up behind her, sword raised. Back in the village, everybody is going into the church. Baltus comes riding up.
BALTUS: The horseman is coming! I was too cowardly to watch my wife die but we can safely assume that Lady Van Tassel is dead! He killed your stepmother, Katrina.
AUDIENCE: Sure. Right.
BALTUS: Help, let me in the church!
AUDIENCE: Hey Ichabod, he's even more cowardly than you.
The horseman comes riding up, and all run inside the church. He stops at the church gates, and everybody inside the church runs around screaming. Reverend Steenwyck grabs Baltus.
REVEREND STEENWYCK: This is all your fault! We should throw you to the dogs, because it's you that we think he wants!
Katrina suddenly kneels down and starts drawing on the floor.
AUDIENCE: She's calling up the horseman again with her magic drawings again, isn't she?
NAJA: Well, knowing that directors can get these things massively wrong... she probably is.
The horseman throws his axe onto church ground, and it crumbles. Ichabod, who was looking out the window at the time, realizes.
ICKY: He can't come in! Don't worry, he can't get in!
Everybody continues shooting at the horseman, as though it will make a difference. Katrina is still drawing on the floor.
REVEREND STEENWYCK: If we give him Baltus he'll leave us alone!
BALTUS: (takes out a gun) Don't touch me!
DR LANCASTER: Okay, let's spill the beans. We have to tell them everything. So what happened was we...
REVEREND STEENWYCK: Silence, idiot!
He grabs a cross and kills the doctor with it.
REVEREND STEENWYCK: Who said science always wins over religion?
Baltus is so shocked, he shoots the Reverend. He then backs up against the window as people advance on him. Outside, the horseman grabs a very harpoon-like fence post and a length of rope. He then throws it through the window and spears Baltus. Katrina screams. The horseman rides away, dragging Baltus through the window and across the church grounds. His head goes between the fence posts, but his body doesn't fit.
AUDIENCE: How ironic.
All gather by the window to see the horseman remove Baltus's head. Katrina is so traumatized she faints FAINT NUMBER 6. A piece of pink chalk rolls out of her hand.
ICKY: Hey! That was her that drew that stuff with the spider!
YOUNG MASBETH: God you're slow.
We see that she's written the same pentacle on the church floor.
NAJA: Yes, there's some numbers and some star signs and a few Greek symbols...
Scene 26
Katrina is lying in her bed. Ichabod stands beside her.
ICKY: Clearly you were possessed by evil, since nobody in their right mind would turn me down. Hey, I wonder if you can get possessed and go all dead like that witch chick?
NAJA: Who me?
ICKY: No, the other witch chick.
NAJA: Oh, okay.
ICKY: Anyway I love you and all, but now I'm going to leave.
He looks in his journal, standing before the fire. In it are heaps and heaps of drawings of her and her name written all over the place.
AUDIENCE: He's obsessed.
He throws the book in the fire. Then he takes out the spell book. His carriage arrives outside. He walks out, followed by Young Masbeth.
YOUNG MASBETH: You think it was her!
ICKY: Shutup.
YOUNG MASBETH: It wasn't her! She was all good and sweet and you two were in love!
AUDIENCE: Hear, hear!
ICKY: I don't want to believe it but I'm too dumb to think of another reason. Now I'm going back to New York. So leave me alone.
He jumps in the carriage just as Katrina wakes up. She goes to the window to see it driving away. In the carriage, Ichabod plays with his cardinal twirly thingy. Then he sees some people carrying a headless body away. There's a scar on the body's hand- Lady Van Tassel. Sitting back, he plays with the twirly thingy some more.
ICKY: Twirly twirly twirly! I'm so easily amused...
Having a sudden idea, he takes out the spellbook. He flicks to the page with the pentacle on it. The tile for the spell reads: For The Protection Of A Loved One Against Evil Spirits
ICKY: D'oh!
NAJA: Told you so.
ICKY: Crap! It wasn't Katrina! Turn around, we have to go back! Go! Go! Go!
He runs back to the morgue and throws the lid off the coffins. They contain Baltus and Lady VT. Going to Lady VT's coffin, he looks at her hand.
ICKY: She was already dead when this cut was made!
DUMB AUDIENCE MEMBER: So she was a zombie when she cut herself?
AUDIENCE: No, stupid, she used a decoy.
We see Katrina in her room. Lady VT approaches.
LADY VT: Look! I'm not dead! Isn't that scary.
Katrina faints. FAINT NUMBER 7.
Scene 27
Ichabod takes the carriage and rides away. Young Masbeth begins to run towards an old abandoned windmill.
Inside the windmill, Lady VT takes a snipped of the unconscious Katrina's hair. She throws it in the fire.
LADY VT: (in TV voice): And now, just for decapitating Katrina's head, you can win your own skull back! For a limited time only, while stocks last, conditions apply.
We see the horseman jump out of the tree and come riding. Katrina, in the windmill, wakes up.
LADY VT: Finally, you sleep like a log. Now I can explain my evil plan. I used a decoy... blah blah blah...my family name was Archer and that's why there's an Archer carved into your fireplace... blah blah blah, we lived in an old cottage, nasty landlord kicked us out, nobody took us in because my mother was a witch...
AUDIENCE: In this movie, everybody's mother is a witch.
LADY VT: We lived in the Western woods. Me and my sister stayed there, and then we met the headless horseman...
AUDIENCE: So you were the girls in the flashback! Which one were you?
OTHER MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE: (quietly) The one who snapped the twig, I'll bet.
LADY VT: So I offered my soul to Satan, as you do, if he'd come back and avenge my family against the Van Garret guy, who was the landlord, and then he let you and your family move into my digs!
AUDIENCE: Wow. This is incredibly complicated.
Young Masbeth sneaks in and listens.
LADY VT: So then I married your father after your wife died, blah blah blah...
AUDIENCE: This is the longest bloody monologue since down with love!
LADY VT: So he killed the to Van Garrets, the widow and her baby, the midwife who heard about the baby, then the magistrate, then the midwife's family...
KATRINA: Well now everything's been left to you. So can I just sort of LEAVE?
LADY VT: Baltus left everything to you, the bastard! So you have to die. Oh, and my sister was that witch in the forest. I killed her, too. RAAAA!
She spins and frightens Young Masbeth, who had been plotting to hit her over the head with a hammer.
LADY VT: So now you both get to die! Mwaha! MWAAHAHAHAHAHA!
BLACKADDER FANS: That's our Queenie. Mad as a hatter and obsessed with chopping people's heads off.
We see Ichabod arrive outside the windmill just in time for Katrina and Young Masbeth to come running out.
ICKY: Oh, brilliant! You're both alive and all is very quickly forgiven!
The horseman rides up.
ICKY: Crap! Let's get inside that windmill.
Lady VT hides the skull behind her back as they all run inside.
LADY VT: Now for a really crappy joke. Watch your head!
DUMB AUDIENCE MEMBER: Hahahahahahaha!!
They get inside the windmill and barricade it shut. The doors start to rattle so they begin to climb through the weird clockwork mechanisms that are so much fun to set action movies in. Ichabod sets all the machinery going, and the horseman uses a pulley to zoom himself up.
ICKY: Hey! You stole that from my Pirates Of The Caribbean scene!
HORSEMAN: Aargh. Bite me.
He takes out a sword and axe and hacks at Ichabod, who is further down the ladder than the other two. The three arrive on the roof, and Ichabod drops a lantern down. Everything below catches fire.
ICKY: Get onto the windmill sails! This is my heroic scene!
YOUNG MASBETH: (grabbing a rope and shimmying down) You don't need to tell me twice.
Katrina and Ichabod get on the next sail and they all jump off and run to the carriage. The windmill is now a burning inferno. It explodes dramatically.
AUDIENCE: Coooooool.
YOUNG MASBETH: I hate to say this, because I know you're going to give me a stupid answer, but is he dead?
ICKY: Yeah. Twenty years now.
The horseman walks out the windmill door. All get on the driver's seat thingy of the carriage and head off. The horseman grabs his horse.
ICKY: Time for the 1799 version of a car chase!
Ichabod get s on the carriage roof. The horseman climbs up the side.
AUDIENCE: There's something very Terminator 2 about all this.
Ichabod gets hit by a branch and lands on the horseman's horse. Backwards. He turns around.
ICKY: I'm such a bad rider that it doesn't really make a difference which way I'm facing.
He jumps of the horse and holds onto the back of the carriage, where the horseman is being dragged along the ground. Deciding it is too shameful to be dragged along the ground next to an idiot, he grabs the horse's stirrup and gets dragged by the horse. Ichabod pulls himself up onto the carriage, and the horseman, who is now up there with him, nearly takes his head off. They fight for a while. Ichabod tries to strangle the horseman.
AUDIENCE: You're strangling the horseman. And we thought you couldn't get any stupider.
ICKY: Get on the horses!
Young Masbeth and Katrina jump onto the two horses drawing the carriage. It goes over a bump and the horses and carriage get separated. The carriage continues to roll and Ichabod and the horseman continue to fight. Then Ichabod falls off and lands on the little wooden thingy between the two horses, and the horseman falls off and lands underneath the carriage, which has flipped on top of him.
ICKY: I get dragged an awful lot in this scene. My front is going to have the biggest rash tomorrow.
The three stop. The horseman bursts out from underneath the carriage and approaches. They just so happen to be at the tree of the dead. Lady VT rides up.
LADY VT: Wow, what a coincidence.
ICKY: Katrina, I'd advise you leg it.
Katrina legs it.
LADY VT: (drawing pistol) Yes, run! I'm completely insane!
She shoots Ichabod in the heart. Katrina and Young Masbeth rush over. The horseman is striding towards them. Lady VT grabs Katrina by the hair.
YOUNG MASBETH: Ooh, a catfight!
LADY VT: (to the horseman) Look! Come and kill Katrina!
Ichabod gets up.
JD FANS: YAAAAAAAY!
AUDIENCE: He's too dumb to live.
Ichabod sees a bag on Lady VT's saddle. We can safely assume it contains the horseman's head.
NAJA: Look! Another head duffle bag!
Ichabod runs up and tries to grab the skull. He and Lady VT scramble through the leaf litter for it, and Young Masbeth grabs the branch that Ichabod hacked off the tree the other day and bashes Lady VT on the head, knocking her out.
FAINT NUMBER 8
Ichabod grabs the skull as the horseman makes much ceremony about slowly preparing to chop off Katrina's head.
ICKY: Ha! I defeated the evil lady and have acquired the head!
YOUNG MASBETH: Yeah, sure, YOU defeated her, mister wonderful.
ICKY: Look horsy guy! I got your head! Do you want it! Fetch, boy, fetch!
AUDIENCE: Not wise, taunting homicidal Germans who are back from the dead.
Ichabod throws the skull at the horseman, who fits it on his head.
AUDIENCE: Now that looks tacky.
There are some gross noises as the head grows back. Katrina and Ichabod hug each other, and he opens his shirt to reveal that the spell book has stopped the bullet.
AUDIENCE: Forget the skull. THAT is the tackiest of the tacky.
The horseman gets up. He's back to normal. Or, as close as he ever was to normal. He glares at the others for a few moments, and then his horse comes over.
HORSEMAN: (jumping on the horse) YARR!
AUDIENCE: We didn't see that one coming.
He grabs Lady VT. The tree begins to open again. Lady VT wakes up, and sees the horseman. She screams as he shoves his head against hers.
AUDIENCE: What? Is he kissing her? Is he sucking her blood? I don't get it.
We get a lovely close up of what's going on.
AUDIENCE: Ah. Both.
Then the two of them ride into the tree, presumably to over the hills and far away. Some blood squirts out. The tree goes still, and Lady VT's wrist is still sticking out of the tree. Ichabod faints. FAINT NUMBER 9. Scene 28 A carriage is rolling along the path they took in the beginning. Katrina kisses Ichabod on the cheek and he wakes up.
ICKY: Oh! Just in time for the new century!
AUDIENCE: Huh?
They are in New York. Katrina and Ichabod exit the carriage, followed by Young Masbeth, who is heavily weighed down with bags.
YOUNG MASBETH: Just you wait sir, I'll get you for this!
ICKY: What are you going to do, Skywalker? It's the end of the movie!
YOUNG MASBETH: Yeah, but I'll get you in the sequel!
ICKY: What? A sequel! Oh no!
TIM BURTON: Actually, there won't be a sequel. I promised Jack a Nightmare Before Christmas two, so we'll be working on that and Big Fish and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory for the next few years.
ICKY: Cool! Can I be in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?
JD AND TIM BURTON FANS: Yeah, can he Tim? PLEEEASE?!
TIM BURTON: That, my friend, is a story that will have to wait until another day.
AUDIENCE: Wait, isn't that the ending to another movie?
TIM BURTON: Ummm....
JACK THE PUMPKIN KING/ SCARECROW: Come on Tim! Stop-motion takes a long time to film and I want to get this movie done before my singing skills get rusty!
NAJA: Will somebody please end this thing?! My hands are sore from typing!
ICKY: Okay. THE END!