A/N Hello, readers! This is one of my first Torchwood fics. I hope you like it! I am at the end of season two right now, and frankly I'm a bit afraid to finish it. Apparently, Owen and Tosh die, which royally sucks because I adore Owen! Also, did anyone else squeal a bit when Gwen found Jack and Ianto going at it? (Not that I'm a Janto fan. I am a total Gwen/Jack Gwen/Owen Gwen/Ianto and pretty much Gwen/anyone. Though that doesn't mean I don't enjoy a good Janto fic though!)

Fic I recommend: Basically anything by Laura x Tennant if you like 10/Rose, or GwenOwenForever, if you like Owen/Gwen Anyways, enough of my little rant! On to the story!

October 3rd, 2007 I, Owen Harper, by far the most good looking and sexiest worker in Torchwood, have taken it upon myself to observe my ridicoulsly handsome boss and baby faced coffee man, or, as I affectionately call him, Tea-Boy. Why would I, Owen Harper, an accomplished doctor and well versed womanizer, waste time inspecting my co workers, you may ask? Well, since today my co workers, for some very unsmart reason, left me here while they went off to fight various aliens, I was bored. Tea-Boy was the only one left here to suffer with me. It was then that the inspiration hit. So I decided on some experiments to perform to entertain myself. First, I raided Jack's fridge, and stole a pitcher of Kool-Aid and promptly dumped it on Tea-Boy's favorite suit. His reaction is why I am currently hiding under my desk with a Stun Gun. Tea-Boy started to shake and muttered my name along with a few swears, including some new ones that I stored away for later. Oh, no. He's right next to me.

"Ooowwweeeennnn... Here, Owen." I tried not to shake. Tea-Boy can be surprisingly scary when he get all territorial about his suits (and on some occasions, Jack).

"I'll find you, Ooween..." He pulled back my desk chair. I shrieked a very manly scream. Tea-Boy with drew some sort of coffee weapon. I started to back away as he brandished the unidentified object. Fortunately, Gwen walked in before he could use it, giving me time to escape and stare at her legs for a moment.

"Gwen, Owen poured Kool-Aid all over my favorite suit."

I tried to look innocent but failed miserably. Gwen looked at me disapprovingly, but it had no affect,as she looked all pout-y, which is so not fair, because all women know that we can't refuse them when they get all Alpha. It's sexy.

"Owen, don't do these kind of things..." Blah, blah, blah. I tried to look like I was listening and not fantasizing about World of Warcraft. After she made me promise not to do it again, I was able to escape to the autopsy room. Nothing like alien bodies to help the mood.

October 7th, 2007

Today I tried Experiment Two. I sneaked into our beloved boss's office and poured that strange bottle alien pheromones into his coffee. After I was able to sneak out, I microwaved popcorn and waited for the show to start. Unfortunately, I forgot about Jack's "superior metabolism". Which meant that it had no effect.

"OWEN HARPER!"

I stood impassively next to my desk.

"Yes, sir?" I asked in my most polite voice. He glared at me. Like he already knew I did it, which I did, but that's not the point! He shouldn't assume things.

"Did you put that bottle of alien pheromones in my coffee?"

"No," I denied. He glared at me and then turned to Tea-Boy.

"Ianto, no coffee for him for a week!" I turned in surprise to Tea-Boy.

"You're name is Ianto?" He sighed and left with Jack.

October 11th, 2007 After learning the actual name of my co worker, whom I have known for an unknown period of time, Gwen promptly told me off for be so inconsiderate. Frankly, there are better things to do the learn the names of your friends. Tea-Boy works just fine. Also, I forgot his name. Ian? Danny? Something like that... I conducted another experiment on Tea-Boy. I took his beloved coffee machine and hid it in the Hub somewhere, I forgot where. He started to cry when he saw that it was gone. It was hysterical. He kept blabbering on about how he loved "Karen" and how she would be missed. After catching the whole thing on video and posting it on YouTube, I gave him his precious "Karen" back. This resulted in me hiding in the cells with Janet. After about an hour of stroking Janet, I finally felt safe enough to step out of the cells. I sneaked upstairs to my desk and pretended to work, though in reality, I was messaging Gwen. Jack soon realized that neither of us were actually working, so he sent us to capture a Weevil. I, of course, caught it almost instantly.

October 13th, 2007 Today

I experimented on Jack. When he and Gwen left to go do something, I think it involved Daleks? Anyways, Tosh was at her computer, actually working, while Tea-Boy was hiding in the archives. So I stole all of Jack's clothing, which were freakishly alike, and hid them under my desk. After he and Gwen got back, he went up to his office to change. He then came back down, and he was naked. He was naked. Gwen started to stared at him, while Tosh did the same. Soon Tea-Boy came up from where ever he was lurking, and everyone stared at Jack. I always thought he was lying when he talked about himself. I guess not, because damn, that was impressive!

"OWEN! DID YOU STEAL MY CLOTHES?!"

I looked at him innocently. "No." Of course, no one believed me, so I was physically forced to get Jack his bloody clothes back.

October 17th, 2007 This time, I decided to be a little more cautious. After everyone went home, I hid in Myfwany's nest. Jack and Tea-Boy went to Jack's office. I watched the CCTV and prepared for a show. An hour later I curled up in Myfwany's nest and almost cried. That was horrific. Tea-Boy's hands... Oh, my God. I would never look at them the same. I almost vomited a little when I remembered what Jack had done with his precious hand that he kept in a tank. I hadn't even known bodies could do that. Tea-Boy must have been a gymnast. I ended this experiment. Please, please, save me.

October 20th, 2007

The next person to observe was my very own co-worker, Toshiko Sato. I stood in the autopsy room and watched her on her computer. She, surpisingly, spent most her time playing solitaire and talking to some named "M". I recorded her conversation.

Tosh: Hello! How are you today?

M: I'm fine. How is that job? It seems so hard for you, darling.

Tosh: Meh, I'm fine. Listen, I've gotta go. Love you.

M: Love you, too, darling!

After this fascinating little piece of virtual talking, I confronted her.

"Tosh! Who is this mysterious "M"?" She stared at me for a moment.

"It's my Mother, Owen." I felt a bit embarrassed after that little tidbit.

"Oh. I knew that!" Tosh just smirked evilly. That night I invited myself, quite politely, over to her house.

"TOSH! I'm coming over for drinks tonight, capeeche?"

"Umm... Okay."

So I went over to her house. After we had some drinks, she went to the bathroom, so I explored her flat. I found a strange amount of photos of me. Strange, if I didn't know any better, I would have thought she liked me. But I did know better, so don't worry.

Soon I left for home and digested this. I decided that one more experiment was in order. The next morning I got to the Hub early and stole Tosh's computer. Not the central one, mind you, but her little personal laptop. While I waited for her to arrive, I browsed her files. I saw a folder of several gigabites of movies. Interested, I clicked it.

I will never ever look at someone's files again. Does Tosh actually enjoy watching this? Why? I should have known Tosh rolled that way, look at the whole Mary fiasco. I don't really care, love is love. But watching this kind of video? Really? Right as I was putting her laptop back where I found it, she walked in a found me. So now I'm locked in a cell with a sedated Janet, who keeps trying to hump me. What worse punishment is there?

October 24th, 2007

The final employee to observe is the one and only, sexy Gwen Cooper. Firstly, I watched as she spent all morning checking her Facebook and streaming Netflix. She seems to have a strange liking for romantic tragedies, such as the Titanic, which made her sob into her purse when she thought no one was looking. I'll admit, I got a little teary eyed when there was the whole death bit. After watching the Titanic, she started to do actual work, which was bloody boring. After that she started to message me. We had a truly delightful conversation about seduction, in which she confessed to leaving fat whats-his-name. Delighted at this fact, I hinted excessively that she could come over. I'm pretty sure she understood. But really, no telling with women.

October 30th, 2007 I finished conducting my experiments

on my employees. I even found out where Tea-Boy goes. There's this little filing cupboard in the archive room, and when I was putting a jar of alien guts away, I found it. It has these little purple blankets all over and a teeny iPod. Weirdly, the only music on it was old show tunes. It vaguely reminded me of Kreacher's den in Harry Potter. I decided to make it even better and left a whole case of porn in it for Tea-Boy. I know he'll love it!

A bit ago I watched the CCTV, and saw what Jack does up in his office. Firstly, I must say that that guy has an impressive porn collection, surpassing even me! He just sits up there and strokes his hand (which I will never look at the same again, due to the night I spent in Myfawny's nest. Shudder) and mutters about blue boxes.

The reason Tosh loves her computer, I think, is because she... Well, there's no nice way to put it, but she had no life whatsoever. Maybe I'll help her with that.

I'm pretty sure Gwen has the most awesome arse. Like, ever. It's all smooth and rounded and cute! Kinda like a baby's head. D'ya know what I mean? This is Doctor Owen Harper, of Torchwood, signing off for now.

A/N There is definitely going to be more of this. Sorry for any OOCness there might have been. Hey, does anyone want to beta my stories? If you would, PM me! °°PussyWillowCat°°