Felis Domesticus

Dear Fanfiction reader of this site.

I wrote this fic because I love twisted crack pairings and twisted crack situations. This is purely for fun, so don't have a cow if something off, because chances are it probably is. Please enjoy this atrocious masterpiece. I spent a little more than three days on it. If that doesn't prove how far i am willing to go in terms of research and writing than my blood sweats tears are for naught.

Thank you and enjoy

And please don't take this seriously. it's crack. i got it from my dealer who lives in a van down by the river.

DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING BUT THE SILLINESS THAT WILL ENSUE.

ps- sorry for any misspellings or grammar mistakes, i didn't send this to beta. I didn't think it needed one. that's it.

Chapter one

Of all the irresponsible, unbelievable, utterly humiliating things that I have gotten myself into, this has to be the worst. I am going to kill Severus! Lucius Malfoy thought bitterly to himself as he glared up at the shelves in front of him.

He had just come in to get something for a headache. That was it, a simple pain-relieving potion. But no, it could never be that simple. Not when he was dealing with a potions master with OCD.

He couldn't just put his potions in alphabetical order; he just had to sort them by color. Lucius scowled, his annoyance showing more and more as he thought about his predicament. Sighing, he turned his attention to the broken glass around him. A clear puddle of the remaining potion seeped into his tailored robes. He growled low in his throat as he took in his reflection in the puddle.

Two orange pointed ears atop his head, a pink nose with a white face and his usually icy gray eyes somehow made him look even…dare he say it?

…Cute.

Lucius Malfoy, one of the highest ranking wizards in Europe reduced to a common house cat!

His scowl deepened, and somehow, the facial expression increased his…cuteness.

It wasn't so much the fact that he was a cat at the moment that bothered him. But rather, that he looked so plain. A white body with orange patches along his back and head, and an orange tail completed with little stripes made him look all the more plain.

Although, he had to admit, he was a fairly pretty kitty.

He stilled, just realizing he thought himself a pretty kitty and turned away from his reflection in disgust. Looking around the room, Lucius eyed the shelves. He could always try and look for an antidote, but that would prove useless since he had no idea what it was that he was looking for. Again he cursed Severus.

So, with whatever grace he could muster he searched for his wand amongst the pile of clothes and made his way to the door, grateful that he hadn't closed it behind him.

I have no choice. Lucius thought. I have to find Draco, if only to give him my wand and hope that they realized what happened to me.

As he walked through the dungeons, his ears twitched and moved to the sound of footsteps and children talking quietly to each other. Biting the middle of his wand carefully, Lucius looked around the corner of the exiting corridor. The last thing he wanted was for one of the students of Hogwarts to find a cat with a wand in its mouth.

He sniffed the air, smelling the delicious aromas coming from the Great Hall. And with one final look around to make sure the coast was clear he continued on his way, keeping his body as close to the walls as possible in the hopes it would make him less noticeable.

When he finally reached the large doors leading into the Great Hall, he let out a breath of relief. Not a single student had noticed him. Maybe, overlooking the obvious situation, his luck was changing. Now all he had to do was find Draco, give him his wand, and hope that either his son or Severus would know what to do and do it quickly before anyone-

"Look here Fred," Came the voice of one of the Weasley twins. Lucius felt hands around his middle lift him up and he the first thing he noticed was the pasty white skin, freckles, and flaming red hair. Of course he would be found by one of the Weasley's. It had to be karma getting back at him for all those years of ridiculous rivalry between himself and Arthur.

Lucius would've scowled if the expression didn't make him look so cute. Malfoy's were not cute. They were handsome, debonair, beautiful and otherwise pleasant to look at. Not cute, never cute.

"A kitty with a wand," Said George, or Fred, Lucius wasn't sure. The twin holding him tilted his head, examining Lucius' fuzzy face with a questionable expression. "He must belong to one of the students."

Lucius was pretty sure the one holding him was George. The other twin raised a brow at his brother. "How do you know it's a boy?" He asked. George shrugged, turned Lucius around and lifted his tail.

The blond would've hexed their freckled faces off he had the ability to use his wand. How dare they look upon his…kitty bits! Not only had Lucius felt embarrassed just being trapped in this cat body but he just had his family jewels viewed by the last two people he thought would ever look at him in such a way. He cursed his luck ten times over and wriggled out of the teens grasp, his back paws scratching at the boys wrists.

With a muffled hiss and yowl Lucius was dropped. He landed lightly on his feet and ran for the tables, not at all caring which table it was as long as he was away from those two! He could feel his cheeks burn and just knew that his white furry face was tinted pink from his humiliation.

"Shit!" George cursed, bringing the wounded hand to his mouth. "Where did he go?"

Lucius quickly looked behind him and saw a pair of legs walk along side the table he was under, the boy he had just scratched getting on all fours to get a better look from where he stood. Glancing from one pair of legs to another, Lucius quickly hid behind a book bag, for once grateful that the students were so careless with their belongings. His heart pounding he kept his eyes trained on the pair of legs moving back and forth on the other side of the table. It wasn't until Lucius heard someone above him that he turned his attention to a student looking down his panicked furry face.

"What on earth…?" Harry said quizzically, gently picking Lucius up. The wizard-turned-cat had no idea what could've possibly made the situation he was in any worse, and for a moment, he considered scratching the golden boy and running for it. But the probability of that ending well was slim to none. In fact, there was a chance it would start some sort of riot at the Gryffindor table, and not only would he have those annoying Weasley twins after him, but the entire house. After weighing his options, Lucius decided to relax, surely the boy would recognize his wand, it wasn't exactly difficult considering his wand was the only one within the entire castle that had a snake handle.

"Hello there, "Harry smiled at him, placing him on his lap. "What are you doing with that wand?" he asked, studying the magical object in the cat's mouth.

Glancing over at Harry, Hermione took in the sight of the orange and white cat with a raised brow. "Harry, isn't that Professor Malfoy's wand?" She asked, watching the small animal look from Harry to her and back to Harry. Lucius sneered in an almost overly cute kitty way, keeping his eyes trained on the boy whose fingers were doing the most amazing things behind his ears.

"Looks like. I wonder how this little one got it…" Harry caught sight of Fred smirking as George nursed the scratch on his wrist with his mouth, frowning as the two sat down in front of him.

"What happened to you?"

"That bloody cat is what happened!" George hissed, taking a good look at his wrist and sighing in relief when Fred casted a small healing spell over it. "We found him standing at the doors and noticed the wand in its mouth but before we could try and find who it belonged too it scratched me!"

"You kind of had it coming, George. I mean, how would you feel if someone picked you up and took a peek at your balls?"

"It's a cat! What should it care if we take a look?" George said with a huff, snatching a buttered roll from the basket on the table and tearing into it with a scowl on his face.

With a sigh Hermione dabbed her mouth with a napkin and gave Harry a look that he had come to call, 'you-know-what-you-have-to-do-but-I'm-going-to-tell-you-anyway' expression. "Harry…?"

"Yeah, yeah, I know Hermione, I know." Harry let out a sigh of his own. "I have to give the wand to Malfoy." He reluctantly said monotonously. Getting up from his spot at the table he gave Hermione a withering look and walked to the Slytherin table, his feet dragging with every step as he noticed some of his classmates staring at him from the corner of his eye. He could already hear the rumors starting. Harry rolled his eyes at the whispers that met his ears, his lips turned down as he finally made it to the Malfoy Heir.

"Malfoy," Harry greeted.

"Potter," Draco replied, his head in his hand, elbow resting on the table and eyes watching Blaise Zabini slowly grin at the book he was reading. Lucius inwardly taking note of his son's un-Malfoy-like outward appearance, his little kitty lips frowning, making his little kitty whiskers tickle Harry's hand. Malfoy's didn't put their elbows on the table. They sat up straight, shoulders back and napkin in their lap. He was so focused on his son that he nearly missed what Harry was saying.

"…what's with the cat?" Draco asked, finally turning his attention to Harry.

"I don't know. I found him, and he's got your fathers wand." Harry said, gently pulling the wand from Lucius' mouth.

Taking the wand from him, Draco furrowed his brows in thought and examined it. "Something must've happened. He never goes without his wand. Where did you find this cat, was my father with it?" he asked, the black boy beside him glancing at the two and quietly closing his book to observe them. Strangely finding how well the two were getting along to be much more interesting. Harry shook his head, his fingers coming up to scratch behind those pointed soft orange ears.

"No, he wasn't. And I found this little guy under the table with it and I thought it would be best to give it to you. You know, since you're his son and everything."

Letting out a quiet sigh, Draco nodded in agreement and pocketed the wand. "For once, you thought well, it seems. Thank you."

"Don't mention it. Um…what do you think happened to your dad?"

"If I knew that you think I would still be sitting here? Whatever happened to my Father I'm sure he can take care of himself with or without his wand. And not that it's any of your business, but I'll have Professor Snape help me track him down and return his wand."

"He likes you," Blaise said suddenly, making the two boys snap their heads to him, both sporting identically horrifying looks. Blaise smiled.

"W-what?" Harry sputtered, his cheeks reddening.

"What? I don't like him!" Draco snapped quickly, a faint blush on his cheeks.

"I meant the cat."

"Oh…" Draco pouted slightly, looking at the purring cat butt its head against Harry's hand, silently asking for more. Lucius, somewhere in the back of his head was berating himself for letting such wonderful massages get his attention. There were more pressing matters at hand, like him being a cat for one, and how or when he was going to turn back. The last thing he needed was for the boy to take him up Gryffindor tower, and find him naked in his bed in the middle of the night. Although there was another part of him that really didn't mind the idea of it.

Good Lord I'm a pervert.

"Are you going to name him?" Blaise asked, raising a brow at the slight pout that had yet to be removed from Draco's face.

"Well, I have no idea. I think he might belong to someone but I didn't find any tags."

Clicking his tongue Draco took out his own wand and stood. "The animals here don't have 'tags' Potter. They have magical identification marks that you put on them when they're bought." He said with a small sneer, waving his wand over the back of the animal and frowning when nothing happened.

"…is that supposed to happen?" Harry asked with a smirk, causing Draco's frown to deepen.

"No, scar-head, that's not supposed to happen. There's supposed to be a faint glow with the name of the pet and owner, but nothing's coming up."

"Congratulations, Potter, it's a boy!" Blaise' smirk widening into a smile before opening his book again.

"But I can't have a cat!" Harry said, his fingers accidently pulling tightly on a furry orange ear, making Lucius whine in a high pitched chirp. Rubbing over the spot apologetically, Harry looked down at the cat in his arms. "My fam-I mean, it's just…"

"What? You've got money; you've got houses literally all over the place with more than enough room for you and your cat, what's the problem?"

Draco was right. He did have all those things…but this was his only his sixth year. He wouldn't be getting any of his estates until his seventeenth birthday. His family wouldn't allow him to keep it. They barely allowed Harry to keep Hedwig in his room. Maybe if he asked Dumbledore he could have it live in the school during the summer, but even then, he didn't know anything about taking care of a cat. And even though he, apparently, didn't have an owner it wouldn't be right for Harry to just take him.

"I'm sorry, but I just can't."

"I don't get you Potter, one minute you're risking your life for a mud-muggle-born, and the next, you're running around nearly getting yourself killed but you can't find the balls to take care of a cat?"

Lazily flipping through his book Blaise ignored the obvious argument going on beside him and began talking more at them rather than to them. "I don't think it would hurt to name it, I mean it's not as if you can go about calling it 'cat' all day,"

"It's not that I don't have the balls, Malfoy!" Harry said, completely ignoring Blaise and starting to become annoyed by the entire situation. "I can't keep it because I don't know the first thing about cats."

"What's there to know? Just feed it and leave it alone."

"I can't just take him! He could belong to someone," Harry said, bringing Lucius closer to his chest, feeling slightly possessive of him for some reason. Rolling his eyes Draco pinched the bridge of his nose, trying in vein to keep his cool.

"I already checked, Pot-head, he doesn't belong to anyone!"

"You could always just hold onto him until you find someone for him." Blaise added calmly, smirking when the bickering finally ceased.

"Well…yeah, I…I suppose I could," Harry said with a sheepish smile, his fingers scratching just under Lucius' chin, causing him to purr. Feeling like he missed something important, Lucius couldn't really bring him self to care, not when those fingers were doing such things to him. He could feel his tail lazily swishing back and forth and his eyes slip close.

I should be worried. He thought, tilting his head to allow for better access. Oh…but kitty like. A chill ran up his spine he realized the words that had just crossed his mind, but a rub just behind his ears tossed whatever unnerved feelings he had out the window along with whatever was lift of his human pride and dignity.

"Great, now that we've got that out of the way, I suppose I can get on with returning my fathers wand. Unless you have anything more you want to add Blaise," Draco said with a cool look to his friend. Zabini merely returned the look with a small grin and shrugged.

"I like the name Lucifer."

Draco blinked at that, oblivious as to where the black boy could've come up with such a name and turned to Harry with a questionable expression on his face.

"Uh…Lucifer? As in Lucifer Morningstar?" Harry asked, making sure he heard right. Blaise nodded.

"It means Light. And you being the 'beacon of light to the wizarding world' or some other such nonsense I thought it'd be fitting."

"For a cat?"

"You are aware that Lucifer Morningstar was the angel to wage war in heaven, yes?" Draco asked slowly, as if he thought his friend had gone soft in the head. He knew Zabini was strange, even for Slytherin but even he didn't know the extent to his strangeness. Still, it was a refreshing change to the otherwise paranoid house.

Nodding slowly, Blaise looked from Draco to Harry, his smile widening. "That's why it's so fitting, because something that was thought of as so perfect fell from grace into the depths of hell." He said softly, his gaze trained on the cat in Harry's arms. "It's so interesting the things these Muggles believe in…"

"How is that fitting?" Harry asked his brows furrowed as he tried to wrap his mind around what the dark Slytherin had said.

"Ignore him. As I was saying, I'm going have Professor Snape help me track down my father and return this wand to him, hopefully without getting the Headmaster involved. The less people that know about this the better,"

With a nod, Harry gave them a small smile and turned to leave, a sense of satisfaction washing over him. It had actually gone rather smoothly with Draco, and Harry couldn't keep the smile of his face as he looked down at the young tom in his arms. He was a little worried about what to do with the cat; it wasn't as if he could leave him to roam the castle. Not that any of the other residential animals of Hogwarts didn't roam the castle freely, but there was just something about this particular cat that had the teen feeling that he should keep a close eye on him.

Lucius, finally more calm about his predicament decided to just let himself enjoy the attention he was getting from Harry. His son had his wand and he knew the situation would be resolved soon enough, so why not allow for a little relaxation? He certainly needed it after such an eventful evening. Purring loudly as the tips of Harry's blunt nails ran along his back, Lucius closed his eyes in contentment. It had been a long time since he was treated this way, his wife running off with some other wizard, had left him longing for the intimate touch of another human being.

He winced inwardly. Longing or not he shouldn't have been allowing for his thoughts to transform into something more than inappropriate involving a certain green-eyed boy.

A boy, not a young, mature, legal man but a boy; and try as he might to think of a reason as to why he was actively searching for those heavenly hands for more rubs to his furry soft body he couldn't help but think back on all those times he caught himself watching the teen in his class. Becoming the new Divinations teacher had been hell when Potter had come and actually started paying attention and following his instruction. One too many times he let his mind drift to how deliciously taboo the idea of instructing that young boys mouth to his—good lord I'm going to Hell.. I hope I'm not in heat.

"You know," Harry said softly to the cat as he left the great hall and not at all caring that the animal couldn't talk back. "While Lucifer is a very…uh…strong name, it kind of reminds me of Mr. Malfoy's. At least the 'Luci' part of it anyway." Making sure that no other students were around, he smiled. "Maybe I could call you Luci instead? It's not exactly Lucifer and it's not exactly Lucius so…" bringing the cat up to his face, he studied his angled jaw and big but slanted gray eyes, a blush creeping to his cheeks when flash backs of Malfoy seniors eyes boring into him wormed its way into his head. "Yeah," Harry said, clearing his throat. "Luci works,"

Luci?

Lucius would've furrowed his brows if he didn't know it'd look strange on his kitty face. For the time being he actually liked the idea of being treated as a cat and it wasn't as if the name was too far from his own. Really it was only missing two letters but did it have to sound so feminine? It could've been worse though. Harry could've settled with the name Bob and if there was one thing Lucius was not, it was a 'Bob.'

Just as Harry had started his way up the stairs to Gryffindor Tower he was stopped by a student.

"Harry Potter?" A young Hufflepuff girl said softly from the bottom of the stairs. "P-professor Dumbledore would like to see you in his office. He said the password is chocolate milk,"

Frowning in confusion the girl quickly left, leaving Harry alone in the halls.

"Chocolate milk?" His grip tightened on Lucius and he looked down at him with furrowed brows. "How much are you willing to bet that this has to do with Mr. Malfoy?" Lucius replied with a small meow, making Harry smile and kiss his head, causing his cheeks to go pink under his fur.

As the teen walked towards the Head Master's office, Lucius couldn't help but feel he was getting himself into trouble letting the boy take him. He knew that he'd be, relatively, fine. But what would happen when Harry woke up and found his 'Luci' gone or worse yet, fully human all of a sudden? He knew he had to get away, had to go some where safe where no one would find him until he was back to normal, but there was something holding him back, and he had a feeling it had two big green eyes and a lightening bolt scar.

His loneliness would kill him one day; Lucius just knew it, if not literally than socially.