Jesus Christ: World's First Gangsta
2000 years ago, in the past, God was relaxing in his crib, but was under the curse of a dry spell since the beginning of time. So he sent a divine light towards the Virgin Mary, impregnating her with his holy white stuff. Mary however was unaware that she carried within her the most powerful mortal of all time. As time passed, the child within her grew and so did its power level. Her boyfriend Bob was happy with joy because he thought he was sterile, but now Mary was pregnant and so that made him happy.
"Hooray! I'm not sterile!" He shouted with Joy. Six months later, the baby was born and it had a six pack, a beard, and long brown hair that flow like the wind. "The baby is so cute. We should name him Jesus Christ after my dog, Jezuz Krizt." Bob said happily for new baby.
However, it wasn't really Bob's baby. No, it was…God's. Mary looked Bob in the eye and said, "This baby isn't yours, for you see, I cheated on you with God," with a face full of guilt.
"WHAT!" Bob screamed angrily at the top of his extremely manly lungs. "Tell me where I can find this God so that I can teach him a lesson." Bob prepared for fisticuffs, but Mary stopped him.
"No, Bob. God isn't a person, he's a superpowered homeless guy that lives on the moon and he impregnated me using lasers," Mary told Bob.
"No matter, I shall fight this "God"," he informed and went outside. "God, come out and fight me you coward!" He shouted at the top of his extremely manly lungs while also giving the moon the bird. However, God simply sent down a built of divine lightning causing Bob to explode into a million pieces. Unfortunately, Mary saw the whole thing.
"WTF God!? What was that for?" she asked at the top of her lungs and walked fast like gazzelle towards her 1971 Cadiliac. "WAIT MARY, I'M SORRY!" God shouted with divine sorryness, but it was too late as Mary had already started to drive off to Italy, Rome to raise Jesus there.
30 years later,
Jesus Christ who had give himself the rapper nickname "JC" was out in the streets rapping some sick tunes to all the people on the street.
Living in the hood
Got my gold rings and gold chains
Got fat stacks of cash in my bank accounts
But dem police try to take it all away
But I shout "#%$! the police"
JC dropped the mic and was about to walk off stage when the roman army showed up. "Halt, JC, you are under arrest for being jewish and us Romans hate jews cause we are racist," Commander said. Jesus then pulled out akimbo desert eagles and shot all the roman soldiers in the head scoring instant headshots. "Man, the romans are so racist we should like rebel or something."
All the jews raised their fists in glory and they all went to grab guns, knifes, swords, armor, tanks, cars, plane, googles, food, robots and bullets for war. Meanwhile King Julius Ceaser was relaxing in his crib when he a noise so he went to check it out and saw a big army of tanks, giant robots, planes and people with guns outside. "General Maximus prepare for war!" He ordered. So Maximus grabbed their own army of tanks, giant robots, planes and people with guns to fight.
The battle was super long and hard. Tons of guys got shot so much that they died, giant robots punched each other so hard that the air exploded, planes dropped bombs on people and tanks shot at the planes causing them to explode. Meanwhile JC backflipped towards the palace scoring instant headshots on everyone, his Kill-Death ratio was now: 454-0.
When JC finally got there he saw that Julius had a sword and was ready for battle. JC tried to shot at him, but his gun was empty. "%$*# it." So JC pulled out his sword and they fought. Each strike hit with the force of 10,000 nuclear warheads and sparks flew and hit people burning them to death. The battle lasted for 3 whole days when suddenly a portal appeared and a big red guy that looked like satan popped out.
He shot laser eyes at Julius causing him to explode. "JC, I HAVE RETURNED TO SEEK MY REVENGE AND I SEE MY MASTER PLAN HAS GONE ACCORDINGLY TO PLAN!" He shouted. "MY PLAN WAS TO MAKE THE JEWS AND ROMANS HATE EACH OTHER CAUSE I'M EVIL!"
"Who are you?" JC shouted.
"I'M BOB, YOUR MOM'S EX BOYFRIEND. YOU SEE WHEN YOUR DAD SHOT ME WITH A BOLT OF DIVINE LIGHTNING, IT SENT ME STRAIGHT TO HELL. HOWEVER, THE DIVINE ENERGY WAS ABSORBED BY ME AND WHEN I CAME INTO CONTACT WITH HELL'S DARK ENERGY I GAINED MAGICAL POWERS AND I BECAME THE NEW SATAN. NOW LET'S FIGHT!"
Bob tried to shot at JC, but JC backflipped out of the way of every shot. JC then shot Bob, but he was immune to bullets. So JC pulled out his holy M40 sniper rifle and shot a bullet at the moon. Where it absorbed a ton of lunar energy, before richocheting to the sun where it absorbed a lot of solar energy and then the holy bullet finally bounced back to earth. There it passed through JC absorbing his holy energy while killing him and then the bullet hit Bob, killing him instantly.
Meanwhile everyone outside had saw JC's kill-cam (it's a thing from call of duty that show's how the other person killed you) and were mezmerized by it. General Maximus then came on stage. "For too long the romans and jews have been fighting each other that we've forgotten how satisfying it was to help people, but JC showed us that when he sacrificed himself to save us from satan's wrath." Everyone started to cry and a few days later everyone was super nice to each other and there was a statue outside that said "JC: Savour of Mankind and World's First Gangsta."