Crystal tears fell from a pair of lifeless, glazed emerald eyes, soaking the soft pure white pillow beneath Trowa's head. He hadn't cried in so long, he thought he'd forgotten how, thought he'd never learned how. Apparently he was wrong. Not really a surprise. He was wrong about so many things. _Why? Please tell me why..._ he pleaded with himself again and again as he curled himself up into a tiny ball, trying to find answers, trying to find the cold, cool mask he'd always worn to fool those outside. The mask had worked so well to keep him safe.
So well, it had fooled everyone he needed it to and beyond. It had also fooled some whom he'd needed to understand. Was that why the mask had cracked? He needed people too much to keep himself safe and secure. He should never have allowed himself to get close to other people. It only brought him pain and suffering. Trowa knew he'd begun to unwind from the nearly perfect soldier he'd been, but he needed the safety and the comfort of the mask now. Without it he felt naked and alone, lost in a world he'd only just become familiar with.
Dimly he glanced around the trailer, trying to remember when he'd gotten there, how he'd gotten there. Ah. Yesterday night. On the last bus, just in case someone was following him, to give them a chance to bring him back. The date and time would explain why the suitcases were still packed and sat on the end of the bed as if waiting for someone to notice them. That would also explain why he could still smell the inedible soup Catherine insisted on cooking for him last night, the night he'd arrived back at the circus he'd first used as a cover-up and then as a second home,for the first time since he'd left that night in AC 196 to fight in the Eve Wars.
How did he get to the circus, to the trailer, to Catherine? It was quite simple, he supposed, his mind drifting towards the danger areas, the areas he knew he needed to avoid for his only protection against the emotions he should never of allowed himself to feel. He'd left the safehouse. That was the part he couldn't really get over. Oh, it wasn't as if the pilots really needed safehouses anymore, the war being over for four years now, but they'd all shown up at this one at various times, and eventually settled down there with each other. All five of them in one house. It had never been the same after that, forming lovers and reaching into each other's souls.
Trowa choked back a sob as he forced his
thoughts away from the safehouse. Those were the dangerous thoughts,
the ones he couldn't afford right now. There were reasons for what
he did, and he needed to remember that. Tomorrow he would start working
for the circus again, and would forget everything about the war, about
the Gundams, and most of all, about the Gundam pilots. He would start
remembering how to be alone.
"He's gone."
Quatre blinked. Surely Heero was joking. He wouldn't have just LEFT without saying anything to anyone...right? "Gone?" he asked, his voice strangely calm in the tense air. It all felt so surreal to the young Arabian. He knew he should be feeling something, should get mad at Heero for creating such a cruel joke, but something stopped him. Heero didn't joke, not about things like this, not about things that really mattered. Even so, he WAS here, right?
WuFei glared at Heero, annoyance filling the Asian's features. "Who's gone, Yuy?" he asked, his voice unusually curt with his koibito, his midnight eyes narrowing as he waited for an answer. He didn't like the sound of Heero's voice, nor did he like the way Heero seemed so angry about what was going on. A part of him wanted to comfort his koi, but he knew nothing good would come of attempting that feat at this point. The only way to deal with Heero when he was angry was to wait him out and hope that nothing TOO expensive got damaged.
"Trowa," the swift one word answer came. Heero crossed the room to sit next to WuFei, his eyes never leaving Quatre. His hand found WuFei's, for once glad of the comfort his koi could give him. Anger was evident in every core of his body as he shifted his glare to Duo. Duo shifted uncomfortably and quickly got up to leave. He went upstairs to his room, never looking back to meet Heero's eyes. He didn't dare look and see the accusations. "He left."
"I heard you," Quatre replied, his voice still even and calm. "I'm going to my room." Quatre stood and walked to the staircase, making his way towards his room on the second floor, trying to feel something, anything. The one person he'd called his lover for the past three years was gone, but he couldn't feel anything. No, it wasn't that. He felt sad, but it wasn't something strong enough to force him to tears, it wasn't something that made a monumental difference in his life. Trowa would come back to the safehouse eventually. He had to.
Was he turning into a monster? Surely
there must be something else he felt because of Trowa's departure without
a word. Yes, there was something else. Relief? Yes.
Relief that Trowa was out of the safehouse, that he was the one who'd left
instead of someone else. Instead of Duo. Duo was the one person
who could help Quatre now, and the blonde deviated from his original path
towards his room to walk towards Duo's room, hoping they could talk, or
that Duo could help him forget his problems, if only for a few moments.
He suddenly stopped, remembering the hurt look in Duo's eyes as Heero gazed
accusingly upon him. No, Duo had his own set of problems and it wouldn't
be fair to impose on him at this time. He walked back to his own
room, feeling the tears rising up within him.
"What the hell is wrong with him, WuFei?" Heero asked, his prussian blue eyes full of anger and confusion. Ever since Duo and WuFei had 'convinced' him to come out of his shell two years ago, they'd all learned so much more about the pilot of 01. Sometimes, as now, however, Heero startled the calmest person by emitting his emotions so strongly and forcefully. It seemed as thought Heero had a personal stock in the matter at hand, and WuFei understood the Japanese's anger intimately. "Doesn't he CARE at all that Trowa left because of him and what he did? Doesn't he have a heart at all?"
WuFei was silent for a moment, weighing all possible answers, all possible questions he could shoot at Heero. He thought a second longer, then decided on the question which could either provoke the most volatile response from Heero, or the shortest. Either way, the conversation would end a bit quicker, and Heero would regain his calm much faster. "Which one are you talking about, Heero?" WuFei asked, his voice quiet and calm.
A stare met the question as if Heero was trying to understand what he was talking about. Realization dawned on the Japanese, and Heero placed his head on the Chinese youth's shoulder, feeling some of his tension escape him as security enveloped him. "I don't know, WuFei. I just don't know anymore. I don't WANT to blame them, but..."
A soft kiss stopped his words, gently soothing and reassuring. WuFei looked deep into his eyes, calming Heero. Finally breaking eye contact, WuFei smiled a sad half-smile. "I know, Heero. I feel the same way. It's not entirely Duo's fault, nor is it entirely Quatre's fault, but it's hard not to get angry when something like this happens."
Heero relaxed a bit more, his eyes sliding partially shut. "Where do you think he is, WuFei?" the question inevitably came, breaking the silence with the one question they didn't really know if they wanted an answer to.
WuFei kissed Heero's forehead as he thought, finally responding. "Knowing Trowa, if we want to find him, I'd say we follow the lions."
"The lions?"
"The lions."
"Why don't we go to the circus tomorrow with the other two, WuFei?"
"That sounds like a good idea, Heero-koi."
Duo gazed out the window, wishing a storm was brewing. At least then he would be able to compare the way he felt inside to SOMETHING he could see. "I didn't mean to do this, Hee-chan. Can't you see that?" he asked the cold glass, leaning his head against the cool, clear crystal. "God damn it, I didn't mean to do it!" he yelled, punching the wall beside him. "I'm sorry," he whispered, a tear streaming down his cheek, followed by another, and another. Boys don't cry, but did that really matter anymore? He was alone now. All alone.
He'd never felt more alone than the moment Heero and WuFei had told him they knew...
FLASHBACK
Duo sits reading a book in Quatre's expansive library (recently shipped by the Maganacs for Master Quatre's enjoyment). His feet rest upon a footstool as he leans into the thick chair, totally relaxed, reveling in the moment. His deep blue eyes framed in his chestnut bangs remain trained on the words as he hears footsteps coming towards him.
"Duo," Heero's voice cuts in the middle of a word, drawing Duo back into reality, away from the fantasy world he'd been inhabiting. Duo blinks as he looks up, his eyes finding Heero's and questioning, a bit of annoyance at being interrupted showing through his eyes.
"We need to talk," WuFei adds, his oh so black eyes catching the blue, warning and asking. The Chinese's body was tense and rigid, and Duo felt shocked as he noticed the hurt look hidden within the two pairs of dark eyes which held his gaze.
"Now," both Heero and WuFei finished.
Duo suddenly felt very afraid, staring at his two koibito's wondering what was happening. Wondering why the world seemed to drop away from him. "Yes?" he asked, placing the book on an end table next to him. He knew if he tried to stand he'd fall, but the two appeared to be waiting for something. Heero's eyes were both sad and angry, a startling contrast to the normally calm youth.
"We know you've been sleeping with Quatre."
END FLASHBACK
"I didn't mean to do it..."
"Get up!" Heero pushed Quatre out of his large four-poster bed onto the thick carpet. "We're leaving in five minutes, and if you're not in the car you'll regret it, Quatre." Heero was in no mood to play games with the Arabian, and he meant what he said. If he couldn't blame Duo, the only other to blame was Quatre, and he decided that's what he'd do. WuFei dealt with Duo this morning, and he got to talk to Quatre. "Get moving."
Quatre's sleepy eyes focused enough to dimly register the ivory carpet beneath him. "Where are we going, Heero?" he asked, pushing himself to his feet. He raked his fingers through his honey-blonde hair, his cerulean eyes finding the youth dressed in long blue jeans and a green tank-top. It was definitely Heero, even though the threats seemed too forceful for the calm Japanese. "What's so important that you need to push me out of bed?"
"Get to the car," the cold response came as clothes were shoved into Quatre's hands. "We'll talk more later. I promise you that." Heero's eyes blazed with frustration. _The old Quatre would've known. The old Quatre would've understood._ Quatre wasn't hurrying, and if they didn't get going soon they'd miss the first part of the show, and he wanted the pilots of 02 and 04 to witness the entire thing. If he was right, Trowa would be performing in several acts, and he wouldn't be up to his normal standard. The pilot of Wing had to wonder how the two would handle watching their friend, the one they drove away, almost fail in what he should excel in. He had the feeling they wouldn't like it. "We're late already."
The blonde Arabian looked up at Heero, words forming on his lips. There was so much he wanted to say, so much he could not bring himself to voice. _I'm sorry, Heero. I didn't mean to do it. I just loved Duo, and I thought no one would find out if I... It doesn't matter, does it? You'll never forgive me. Duo loves me, but he loves you and WuFei more. Can't you see how much you're hurting him by your anger and your refusal to talk to him? Go to him, forgive him, even if you can't forgive me. Damn it, forgive Duo. He's too good and beautiful to be hated the way you hate him right now. Trowa will understand someday, I know he will. I didn't want to hurt him, but he just turned and walked away when I told him, not letting me explain..._
"Is there something else you wanted to say, Quatre?" Heero asked impatiently. Quatre shook his head and dressed, wincing slightly as Heero grabbed his wrist and half dragged him down to the car. "Get in," he commanded, holding the door to the back seat open. The blonde got in, his eyes trained on the ground. Wherever they were going he had no choice in the matter, and he wasn't sure he liked it that way. What was Heero planning?
Heero got into the driver's seat, waiting.
_WuFei, hurry up. We need to get going!_ he thought, his eyes
searching for a sign of his koibito.
A sharp shove pushed Duo out of his bed onto the floor, stopped from hitting his head on a nearby table by a hand. "Wake up. We're late," WuFei's voice cut through the hazy mind of the half awake Deathscythe pilot. Clothes quickly found their way into Duo's hands by way of WuFei's tosses, and slowly Duo began to dress himself, wondering what was going on.
"Where we goin', Wu?" Duo asked, his mind not registering the events of the past few days. He was still talking to WuFei, his koibito, one of his loves. His long brown hair was quickly braided by deft hands, and Duo sighed as he leans into the Chinese's ministrations. _I love it when WuFei braids my hair. He's so good at it..._
WuFei inwardly swore as he realized Duo didn't remember the past few days. He wasn't sure if he wanted Duo to remember or if he only wanted it to be easier on him. Regardless, he knew he needed Duo to remember for the day's events to fully happen. "Wake up, Duo, and finish getting dressed. Heero and *Quatre* are waiting for us in the car," he replied gruffly, trying to ignore how beautiful Duo was, his emphasis on Quatre's name duly noted by the pilot of 02. The events of the past few days sunk into him and he felt like curling up into a ball to hide from the world.
"WuFei, I did--"
"Get up, Duo. We're late," WuFei repeated himself, dragging Duo to his feet. "If we're any later Heero will leave without us." WuFei moved towards the door, looking back over at his shoulder at the American who still stood unmoving. "Are you coming?" he asked, trying to ignore the sound of worry that rose in his voice.
Duo blinked, and nodded, following WuFei out of the room, forcing his tears down. _Boys don't cry. Boys don't cry. Boys *don't* cry._ "WuFei, where are we going?" he asked, careful to stay just behind WuFei. The Chinese didn't answer, and Duo bit his lip to keep from getting angry. "Where are we going?" he asked again, his eyes betraying his annoyance.
"Ask Heero," WuFei responded, waving to the Japanese who waited impatiently in the car. He held the front door open for Duo, indicating he should sit there, next to Heero. Duo's eyes widened as he realized WuFei and Heero were deliberately placing he and Quatre apart from another, deliberately placing themselves up for a ride of tension.
"Heero, where are we going?" Duo asked, sliding his seat belt on a bit tighter than strictly necessary. He stared out the slightly fogged glass window as he spoke, not ready to look at his ex-lover. Some things were just too painful for the American to handle, and he couldn't bear to see the accusations in Heero's eyes again.
"You'll see when we get there," Heero replied,
starting the car. They backed out of the driveway, and they were
on their way.
Quatre stared, unwilling to move from his seat, not entirely willing to breathe as he gazed out the window. "You can't be serious," he pleaded with WuFei who sat next to him in the still moving car. "Tell me you're not serious," he asked, his eyes trying to find a hint of emotion in WuFei's gaze that would tell him what was going on. _No, I can't. I won't. They can't make me,_ he thought to himself, aware he sounded much like a child in his secret thoughts.
"We're quite serious, Quatre. We bought the tickets last night, and we decided that we should all go and see the circus since it was in town," WuFei replied, his eyes searching to help Heero find a parking space. "Over there, Heero-koi," he motioned towards a recently vacated space on the right, noting Duo's almost imperceptible wince at his use of the affectionate nickname. _Can't stand to hear it, Duo? Why? You chose Quatre over us._
Duo turned to face the blonde Arabian he'd recently begun to call his lover in place of the other two who also inhabited the car. "What's wrong, Quatre?" he asked, his expression worried as he looked at the disturbed youth. He wanted to understand what was going on, but he didn't know how to find the words to calm both Quatre as well as Heero and WuFei. _Damn it all. Why can't things be simple? It started out with a kiss, but now it's so much more. I didn't mean to fall in love with Quatre. He was just so damn sweet, and lonely..._ "It's only a circus."
Quatre shook his head, trying to find the words to explain his unwillingness to go inside the huge tent, the monster which held the key to his doom. If he could only find a way to stay outside, he'd be fine. "He doesn't want to go because it's a certain circus where Trowa worked," Heero commented drily, parking the car. "Let's go. We've got tickets, and I doubt we want to miss *this* show. It's a special showing because an old cast member came back to work. Today's his first day back on the job in fact, so he's in several acts, just for today. Interesting, don't you think?" he asked no one in particular as he stood to get out, holding the door open for WuFei.
The Chinese thanked Heero with a soft kiss, again noting Duo's wince. The couple walked over and motioned for the two remaining in the car to get out. Duo sighed and slowly opened his door and stood. He slammed his door and gazed at Quatre for a moment before helping the blonde out of the beat-up Honda Heero had christianed Wing Honda. Quatre and Duo didn't touch, although they both needed comfort, as they followed Heero and WuFei into the tent, watching as Heero gave the tickets and WuFei bought a cotton candy for each of them.
It was time for the show to begin.
Trowa watched the crowd file in, mentally reviewing his acts. He was participating in almost everything due to the fact that he'd just come back and that several cast members had called in sick. Noticing a few of them in the audience, he guessed the latter reason for his many appearances was mainly due to the former. _I can't do this, not today, not now. Why did I agree to this again?_ he mentally wondered, his eyes searching the crowd for any other familiar face. One of the lions gently nuzzled his hand through the cage bars, and Trowa smiled down at his old friend. "Well, we're on soon," he whispered, running his hand through the mane of the normally ferocious beast. "Get ready, all right?" A small smile crept over his face for the first time in so long.
His eyes narrowed as he noticed the normally reserved box was filled with characters he could barely make out. "Catherine, who are those people?" he asked, his voice slightly suspicious as he tried to remember why he felt so nervous. His sister remained quiet for a moment as she sought the answer in her memory. "Catherine?" he repeated, turning to face her.
"Sorry, I don't remember, Trowa. They bought tickets for every show we had planned this year, so they got the box. It was kind of weird though, they signed in a code," Catherine laughed as she thought back on it. "I remember how hard it was to calm everyone down after that. Even so, they paid in cold, hard cash, so it was all right." She glanced outside, and motioned for Trowa to follow. "We're on."
He nodded and followed, still nervous about what was going to happen. Could he really pull this off after so long? Trowa turned to the lions, motioning them to come. They growled as they strode outside, their heads held high. They could sense Trowa's uneasiness and it transfered to them. Trowa murmured words of encouragement and they completed their circle around the rings to their places, waiting for Trowa's motion before they walked off stage.
Trowa quickly changed into the clothes he'd wear for the next three acts, placing the half-mask he wore during his act with Catherine on his face at the last moment. It would prove to be an interesting touch to the normally routine circus. It might be a bit harder to do some of the acts with the mask, but it would definitely be a crowd pleaser, one that he'd perform over and over again. He knew he'd get a bonus for thinking this up, but he didn't admit the other reason he wanted to wear the clown mask for this performance. Something made him want to run and hide, and it wasn't just the fact that they were near the safehouse. It had to do with the people in the box.
Trowa knew he'd seen those people sometime
before, even if he couldn't place when or where. For that reason
alone he didn't trust them at all. Something hid from him in his
memory, teasing and taunting him to come and find out what he didn't quite
want to know. There was something, he was so close to finding out
what it was... _Damn it, I'm on._
From the stands the four Gundam pilots watched as Trowa paraded his precious lions around the rings, noting how the lions seemed unusually restless under the care of the more than competent Trowa. The youth with green eyes bent to whisper something to the lead lion, calming him. "Something's wrong with the lions today," a man commented to his wife beside him. "I've come to see this circus every time it's in the town. Whenever that boy's leading them they're as gentle as lambs, but today they seem so agitated!" he added, his eyes trained on the magnificent beasts.
"Maybe it's the boy. I've heard that beasts, especially those giant cats, react to their handler's emotions rather strongly if they've been connected for a long time. Do you think he's upset about something? That could be why they seem so frustrated for today's show. They might not be able to do anything to help the human they love so much. After all, you said it yourself. Usually with him in the lead they're docile. So, something must be wrong with them, or him," the young woman replied, her gaze following her husband's towards the ground below them.
Quatre tried to ignore the woman's comment, not able to tear his eyes away from Trowa even after he left. He kept staring at the place Trowa had disappeared to go back stage, his eyes full of so much unsaid emotion. _I didn't think I'd feel so much if I saw him again. I didn't think I'd hurt this much if I just saw him, especially since he doesn't know I'm here. He looks so sad and alone, so..._ he stopped his train of thought, knowing there was no time for that now, not while Trowa was so near. _What kind of person am I turning into? I *love* Duo. So why do I feel this way when I see Trowa's face? I shouldn't, it's wrong. I chose Duo over Trowa because I loved him more. That's the way it is._ "It's a beautiful circus, don't you think so, Duo?" he asked, needing to hear reassurance from the American he loved.
"Yeah, Quatre," Duo replied, looking at Heero and WuFei instead of at the circus below them. The pilots of Wing and Nataku sat two rows in front of them, having chosen to sit apart from them. Pain rose up in the braided pilot's chest as he watched Heero bend over and kiss WuFei's cheek, whispering something in his ear. WuFei nodded, a simple motion bringing an ache where Duo's heart should be. _But of course, my heart's somewhere else. It has to be somewhere else if I actually cheated on those two. With *Quatre* nonetheless. Quatre who has, or *had*, a boyfriend. What kind of monster am I turning into?_ he wondered, his eyes trained on the two in front of him. He hadn't been the one who'd initiated the affair, but he'd participated, and so he was just as guilty.
Duo looked down to notice Trowa glancing
up every now and then to gaze at a certain box in the audience. Suspicious
for no reason than gut instinct, the American whispered a 'be right back'
to Quatre and got up to investigate.
Below them, Heero and WuFei whispered to each other, their gazes never leaving the ground although their minds drifted to the two above them, wondering what their once koi and the one who stole him from them were doing. Something caught his eye, and Heero pressed a soft kiss on WuFei's cheek, bending over to whisper in the delicately curved ear, "WuFei, Trowa seems nervous." The prussian blue eyes trained themselves on the youth with the lions, worry obvious in his features. _Something else is wrong. This isn't just about Quatre and Duo anymore._ "I think we should take those two and see the cast after the show, don't you think?"
WuFei nodded, his voice pitched so only Heero could hear him, the midnight eyes dark with concern and with worry for what was happening below them. The stand cheered as the circus walked around, showing off each act in a parade of the acts, one after another. "There's someone here that bothers him. You can see by the way he keeps glancing into the stands...there! Like that. I can't figure out where he's looking, though. He's too far away." _Not to mention the fact that he's doing it unnoticeably except to trained pilots like Heero, Duo, Quatre, and I._
"Right over there. In that box. Recognize anyone?" Heero asked, his voice slipping back into the Perfect Soldier's emotionless tone as he exercised talents he hadn't really needed since the war. His eyes remained on the ground, but his head slightly inclined to the left, pointing out which box he spoke of. WuFei glared at him, fixing the Japanese's attitude with a long, lingering kiss which quickly changed Heero back into the character WuFei had come to know and love.
The Chinese furtively glanced up at the box Heero indicated, his expression calm as he evaluated each of the twelve men inhabiting the said area. None of them appeared to be familiar, but WuFei couldn't be positive. "I don't think I see anyone I know, but one seems dressed as a pilot. You think we should check them out?" he asked, wishing he had thought to bring his glasses. Normally he didn't use them, but he had the sick feeling they would've helped at this point.
"Do *you* think they're a threat, WuFei?" Heero asked slipping his hand into WuFei's. The black eyed boy sighed and shook his head, and they continued watching as Trowa succeeded in almost destroying several of his first acts. "Trowa's got a lot on his mind," the Japanese drily commented, his gaze trained on the youth with the mask.
"He's wearing that mask for everything, Heero. I thought he only wore it when he performed with the soup maker," WuFei murmured to the blue eyed boy beside him. _What's going on? Trowa, we came to see you to try to force Quatre and Duo to apologize, but you seem to have other things on your mind. Are you going to tell us?_ WuFei wondered, knowing Trowa would never answer the unspoken question.