Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Stephanie Plum Series characters, except for Razor. They all belong to Janet Evanovich!
"Did you remember the spinach dip?" I asked, yanking Lula through the front door and slamming it shut behind her. She held out a Tupperware container filled with white and green stuff and a bag of salty, greasy tortilla chips.
"Got it right here," she said. I grabbed the container and bag of chips and ran them into the kitchen. I threw off the lid, ripped open the bag, and scooped a huge amount of dip onto about five chips and tried my best to fit the whole thing in my watering mouth.
"Mmmmmmmm," was the only sound I could muster. I chewed for what seemed like hours while Lula watched me with a stricken facial expression.
"Wasn't that for the guests?" she asked. I swallowed and whipped my head to glare at her Plum-style. "Sorry. Clearly, it was for you." She shook her head.
"You know how I love your spinach dip," I reminded her. I brushed my salty hands off on my dress and poured myself a glass of Sprite.
"When's this damn thing supposed to get crackin'?" she asked, looking around at my empty apartment. "And who was that new guy who let me in when I got off the elevator?"
"Razor." I took another chip and scoopful of dip and managed to flop down into a suede recliner.
"Damn. He can shave me any day," Lula muttered.
"Um…you just married Tank," I pointed out. "Give the guy some time."
"Hunh."
My baby shower was scheduled to begin at two o'clock. Lula was my first guest, because I'd recruited her to set everything up for me. Connie was due any minute to prepare the food and help with decorations.
The seventh floor apartment that I shared with Ranger would become Woman Central in just under three hours. I was expecting forty guests, including my mother and grandmother, my sister Valerie and her three girls, Mary Lou Stankovic, several of my grandmother's cronies, Mrs. Manoso and Ranger's sister Celia, Ranger's Aunt Luz, his cousin Aurelia, my cousin Shirley the Whiner, and Loretta Bieber. Joyce Barnhardt was, of course, not on the invite list.
The front door clicked open and Ranger let himself into the apartment, sweaty from being at the gym. He nodded hello to Lula and hauled me into our bedroom, shutting the door behind us.
"I understand that you'll be tied up for several hours," he mumbled against my neck, bathing it with his hot tongue.
"Unfortunately."
"I'd like for my wife to join me in the shower." Ranger had his hand up the skirt of my dress and was squeezing my ass cheek through my granny panties.
"I just took one," I whined. "And Lula's here…"
"Unless you don't mind me being dirty," Ranger said. "Lula owes me, anyway. I caught her with Tank yesterday in the service elevator." He mapped kisses up my jaw and to my ear.
"I love it when you're dirty." I smiled naughtily as Ranger proceeded to put a healthy glow on my already-flushed pregnancy face.
I had to change my outfit after my saucy run-in with Ranger, so I went with a pale pink skirt and a black lacy top, one of the only outfits I felt comfortable wearing at eight months pregnant. I emerged from the bedroom just as Connie waltzed in from the foyer.
"Hey, Steph!" she said, twirling me into a tight hug. "Where do you want my Uncle Bingo's ice sculpture?"
I froze and began to panic. "Ice sculpture?"
"Nah, I'm only kidding. But your face! Priceless!" She dissolved into hysterics and Lula scoffed.
"You'll put her into early labor," Lula scolded.
"Ladies, I'd love to stay for all the fun, but I've got some work to do in my office downstairs." Ranger joined us in the living room, fresh from a shower, looking delicious in baggy blue jeans and a black sweater.
"Sure, run along off to the Batcave," Lula teased. "We get it."
"No offense, but it'll be pretty girly in here for awhile. I need to be around the guys in order to keep my sanity." Ranger kissed me lightly and headed for the front door.
By the time the tasteful pink and white decorations were put out, and the food was all prepared, it was ten to two. I was starting to get excited, thinking about all the presents I was going to get for myse – I mean, the baby. I'd registered at Babies-R-Us and at Macy's. I registered for baby items at Babies-R-Us. I registered for shoes at Macy's.
"Think anyone will get you a breast pump?" countered Connie. "My cousin Lois-Ann told me that those things were a Godsend!"
"I'm not sure, they looked kind of painful," I said warily. "I didn't register for one."
"Where's Batman gonna be during the shower?" asked Lula, helping herself to some bean dip.
"I think he said he had work to do on two." I turned on some music and set the volume to low. Nora Jones filtered out of the living room stereo and set the mood of the party area to a relaxed, casual one.
"Come to think of it, I think Tank said he'd be helping Ranger with some sort of project down in the conference room on two."
"How's the apartment coming along?" Connie asked Lula. Lula just moved into Tank's fourth-floor Haywood apartment two weeks ago and has been making interesting changes to his décor.
"It's just about finished," Lula said. "I've only got to sew up those shaggy shocking-green pillows and it'll be done."
"Make sure Tank puts on laser goggles before he sits down," I said dryly. "Those pillows might damage his corneas."
"You said you liked that color!"
"Yes, but not for couch pillows."
The doorbell rang and I waddled over to answer it. I threw it open to find my mother and grandmother standing outside, each holding a large stack of gifts.
"Let me get that, Mom," I said, trying to take the largest box out of her hands.
"Just never you mind," she said, swatting me away. She juggled the boxes over to the gift table and arranged them off to one side. My grandmother, wearing her "good wool" coat and teetering on four-inch heels, brought her stack inside and set it next to my mother's.
"For crying out loud," Grandma Mazur exclaimed, settling her bony hands on my protruding stomach. "Look at this, Ellen. She's gonna be ten pounds!"
"Mother!" My mom's mouth dropped open. "Stop scaring Stephanie."
"It's okay," I reassured Grandma. "I was beginning to think that myself."
"She's got Bat-baby in there," remarked Lula. "No wonder."
"Valerie is on her way," Mom told me. "Lisa threw a tantrum outside of Giovicchini's and Valerie decided to leave her with Albert."
"Oh," I said.
"I also brought the hemorrhoid cream you asked me for," my mother said not-so-discreetly. Connie and Lula and Grandma all looked over at me.
"What?" I said defensively. "It happens!" I snatched the tube from my mother and slunk it into the master bedroom.
By two-thirty, the Manoso apartment was packed with happy-go-lucky chatty women, sipping blush wines and diet sodas. The gift table was overflowing, I noted happily. I needed every single baby item ever made. There was one gift wrapped in blue paper. I hope that person knew I was having a girl.
"Thank you all for coming," I announced, standing at the opening to the large, sunken living room. Chattering ceased as all eyes focused on me. There were pink roses everywhere, lacy tablecloths, and bunches of pink and white balloons. Pink candles were sitting on many surfaces, giving the room a classy glow. "I thought we could start by grabbing a bite to eat and then moving on to some games. There's plenty to munch on, so please help yourselves." The chattering resumed as several of the women got up to check out the buffet.
"Estefania!" exclaimed Mrs. Manoso. She approached me, holding her glass of Chablis. She hugged me tightly and placed her hand on my stomach. "She is growing so fast."
"Yeah," I said weakly. "By the minute."
"This will be my fourth granddaughter," Mrs. Manoso said proudly. "Samantha."
"Sam for short," I told her. "Ranger's idea."
"I love it." She gave my stomach one final pat and hurried over to the buffet before someone ate the last empanada. I made my way over to where Valerie was sitting with Connie and Lula.
"Is this over yet?" I whined quietly to them. "I want to open those presents already and then take a nap."
"Oh, honey. It's only getting started." Valerie patted my hand sympathetically.
"By the way, thanks for all those baby clothes," I said to her. "I want to look through them later." Val had brought me over a huge box of little girl things that Lisa had outgrown.
"No problem," Val replied. She stuffed a crab cake into her mouth.
"What games do you have planned?" I asked Lula and Connie.
"Well, I wanted pin the "pants" on Batman, but someone said that wasn't appropriate for a baby shower," Lula said darkly.
"Believe me, several people would want to paste those cut-out boxers on that naked picture of Ranger, but I think Stephanie would have minded just a little bit." Connie sipped her Coke.
"Where did you guys get a naked picture of Ranger?" I asked, confused, suddenly afraid that they'd accompanied me to Fiji on my honeymoon and posed as out-of-town tourists with a zoom lens.
"PhotoShop." Lula raised her eyebrows and looked away, her drink cup up to her mouth.
The buffet was empty and the games were over by three-thirty. I was nearing exhaustion and it felt like little elves in soccer cleats were stomping around on my lower spine.
"Present time," announced Lula. She knocked back her third glass of white zinfandel and ushered me over to the special "mommy-to-be" chair, complete with a large pink bow and plush cushions.
I yanked her down to me and said, through clenched teeth, "Get me the cordless heating pad."
"Hang on," she whispered back. She disappeared into the hall closet and returned with a small square blanket. She settled it behind me and I leaned back, dying to feel some sort of relief. The party-goers were gathered around me in the living room, excitedly chit-chatting about what they hoped I'd received. Connie and Valerie were keeping track of the gift lists, while Grandma stood by, ready to collect wrapping paper.
"Boy, everything looks so great!" I gushed breathlessly. "I don't know where to begin!" I honestly felt a little overwhelmed, looking at all of the beautifully-wrapped gifts, knowing that in a few short weeks I'd be a mother and Ranger would be a father and that for the next eighteen years we'd be raising our daughter together.
"Let's start with some of the smaller ones," suggested Lula. She handed me a tiny box, wrapped in pink baby paper. I tore it open and saw a tiny set of gold earrings and a tiny gold bracelet. They were beautiful.
"Mrs. Manoso, I love them!" I gushed. Ranger's mother beamed proudly. I passed them around to all of the ladies and excited squeals filled the room.
One hour and eighty-seven presents later, I was down to just two boxes left to open. I was tearing the wrapping paper off of one when there was a knock at the front door. Everyone turned to look. Was it a very late guest? I prayed that Lula didn't order a stripper for my baby shower.
Connie got up and peered out the peephole. "Steph? There's some guys out in the hall dressed in black. They look familiar."
I got up to check it out. I threw open the door and to my absolute horror, Bobby, Tank, Lester, Hal, and Hector were standing in my foyer, grinning like Cheshire cats and holding pink-wrapped baby gifts.
"You guys," I exclaimed. "What's going on?" I tried to smile but somehow I think I may have come off as constipated. "Where's Ranger?"
"We know that you're having your baby shower today, Beautiful, so we wanted to give you OUR presents." Lester smiled proudly and handed me a cute pink bag, complete with tissue paper puffing out of it. Has he wrapped this? Probably not, I thought with a chuckle. Lula had spotted Tank and was dragging him into my apartment. Bobby and the rest of the guys trooped inside and I shut the door behind them.
Every iota of chit-chat had stopped completely as the remaining thirty-eight women dropped their jaws and broke out in hot-flashes. My mother was most likely excluded in the count. My grandmother Mazur most definitely was in the count.
"Everyone, I'd like you to meet some of Ranger's employees, who are all very close friends of ours." I made all five guys stand next to me so that I could introduce them. Silence ensued. A pin drop could be heard. I heard a small moan escape from someone towards the back.
"This here's my new husband, Tank," Lula said proudly, breaking the silence as usual. She patted one of Tank's huge pecs and gave him a smacking kiss on the cheek, making him blush. Bobby gave a small wave.
"I'm Bobby Brown," he said. "But I was never married to Whitney." The large group of women dissolved into girlish giggles at the joke I'd been hearing for years. I rolled my eyes. Lester stepped forward and the giggles ceased immediately, followed by collective gasps and a mad rush of women fanning their faces with cocktail napkins. Someone sighed loudly. I quickly scanned the room. It might have been Grandma or…Mrs. Manoso? I vowed never to ever tell Ranger.
Smiling his drop-dead-sexy lopsided grin, Lester said, "Lester Santos."
Crash. Loretta Bieber keeled over and several women and Bobby rushed to splash cold water on her face and help her into a recliner. Hector was up next, and he greeted the group in Spanish, causing more collective hot flashes and napkin-fanning.
Hal blushed to the roots of his white-blond hair and squeaked out, "Hal." After seeing how these women reacted to the last three guys, Hal decided to go with the shy persona.
"Well, you guys, thank you SO much for coming over and bringing these beautifully-wrapped gifts," I said.
"Aren't you gonna open them?" asked Lester. I smiled nervously.
"Of course, Les," I chuckled. "Now?"
"No time like the present," he joked, and the women dissolved into hysterics again. I gingerly sat back down in my mommy-to-be glider rocker and Lula handed me Lester's gift.
"I'll give you ten bucks right now if you tell me who wrapped this," I told him. He held his hand out.
"The mall wrapping kiosk. Pay up."
Damn! I sighed and fished in my wallet for a ten, slapping it into his open palm. I pulled out the puffs of tissue paper and dug into the bag. I pulled out a pink and a purple onesie.
"Little Miss Naughty"? I exclaimed, holding up the first onesie. I held up the second one. "My Uncle Is A PORN STAR"? Santos, WHY are you hitting on my unborn child?" Les couldn't answer me because he, Bobby, and Hal were reduced to laughs so hard that they weren't making any sounds.
"Dude, where'd you get that last one at?" Bobby cracked up.
"At this place in AC," replied Lester. "Next to the Tropicana Casino."
I couldn't believe I'd held them up for my guests to see. I stuffed them back into the bag and stowed it under my rocking chair. I was thoroughly mortified, but my guests didn't seem to mind. Some naughty vixen guest even asked Lester if the first onesie came in an adult-sized t shirt.
Lula handed me Bobby's present next. It was a small box wrapped in pink paper with a huge pink bow on top. I tore it open and my eyes flew open wide.
"Handcuffs?" I shrieked. Not only were they real, but they were tiny enough to fit around a small infant's wrists.
"So she can go on her first takedown with us," explained Bobby.
"You are NOT taking my daughter on a takedown!"
"Not yet, anyways," scoffed Bobby. "We'll wait until she's about four months old."
"NO!" I put the mini-cuffs back into the box and stowed it under my rocker along with Lester's sexually-explicit onesies. "But thanks, though."
Lula handed me Hector's gift. It was in a tall box and was coated in red velour. I felt a twinge of nervousness when I saw that the bottom of the box read Please Drink Responsibly. I cracked open the box and peeked inside.
"Tequila?" I exclaimed. "Hector!"
"Estefania, this tequila is for you to enjoy after your birthing, and for you to give a muy pequeño amount to the baby to help her sleep when she is crying mucho." Hector nodded, acting as if he should receive the parent-of-the-year award.
"I think what you're supposed to give babies is whiskey, hombre," said Hal, leaning over to Hector and clapping him on the back.
"What? No. Hal, you're not supposed to give babies ANY ALCOHOL!" I couldn't believe these guys.
"Oh."
"Uh, Lula already gave you our gift, Steph," Tank piped up. I nodded as I slid the bottle of Cuervo under my rocker with the rest of the terribly inappropriate baby shower gifts.
"Hal's gift is last," Lula announced. She handed me something square wrapped in Precious Moments wedding paper. Hmmm…I tore it open and my jaw dropped to the floor.
"Kama Sutra for the Post-Partum Mother"? I was absolutely mortified. I couldn't believe it. My face flamed from embarrassment and anger at these guys. All of them except Tank were single and probably had never been around children or babies or pregnant women.
I decided to cut them some slack when I heard Bobby say to Lester, "I'm so excited about the baby coming."
"Me, too, man," Les replied.
"Are you guys, really?" I asked, my anger beginning to dissipate.
"Hell, yeah! I mean, we just love you and Ranger so much that we couldn't be happier about the baby." Lester threw an arm around my shoulders and Hal leaned over to kiss my forehead.
"We're gonna be such good uncles," Bobby said.
"I'd like to show the baby around RangeMan," Tank said. "See if she likes it here."
"Whatever you do, just don't take her into Santos's apartment without knocking first." Hector shivered involuntarily. Lester slugged him in the arm.
"It doesn't matter, because we're gonna love her SO MUCH," Hal gushed. "No man will EVER be good enough for her."
"Damn right," Hector and Lester agreed.
Looking at them, I realized that these five huge guys, all ex-military mercenaries and trained to kill, would be Samantha's beloved uncles for the rest of her life. Even though their gifts were ridiculous, they were from their hearts and they meant well. I knew that they'd shower her with love and attention, teach her the ins and outs of this crazy and sometimes unfair world, and watch her grow up to be an extraordinary young lady. And, when they were all old and gray, Samantha would in turn take care of them as they once did her.
As I felt her kick deep in my womb, I realized that she was already so lucky.
The End! Awww, the Merry Men are softies!