A/N: A little look into Jesse's thoughts. The last episode has put in such a Rachel/Jesse kick. I just want him to come back!

Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, blah blah blah.

He had cared about her. Truly he had. He might even say he loved her, but there was definitely something about her that drew him in. He wished that he could have had more time with her. He wished that he hadn't hurt her like he did. He wished that he would somehow be granted a second chance.

What struck him as he got to know Rachel Berry better was how much he felt the need to protect her, to help her, to make her happy. He could tell that she was insecure and unhappy with herself just as he had been and sometimes still was. She needed someone to tell her that she was perfect instead of the constant put downs and encouragement to change she received from most other people she knew. Jesse knew that the only reason she was so selfish was because she had gone for so long with no one but her fathers caring for her. She had nobody else to consider when she made decisions and she had to protect her own interests because there was no one else who would. He thought that she had done quite well at assimilating into a group where she was the star talent considering this. He just didn't understand why the others couldn't see it.

Maybe he was the only one who could truly read her, saw when her show face slipped and was able to sense the insecurity that poured from her. The others just assumed it was selfishness that motivated Rachel but she was much more complicated than that. Realising this had caused his guilt to double. While he was away at college in LA his thoughts still drifted to that small town and that small girl with the massive voice.

She needed him as a friend. He knew that there was no way she would even consider it after what he had done but she needed him to encourage her to be herself. She would lose so much of herself when all the comments finally got to her.

It was part of the tragedy of high school that everyone is put in boxes and given definitions. You are expected to be a certain way, think certain things so nobody suspects you do otherwise. He had been lucky, he had been in a school where glee club was admired (to a certain extent) and they had a certain power, but he knew how she felt. He had been leading Vocal Adrenaline for his entire high school career, he was their leader, he was confidant, strong, manipulative, ruthless and that was how they saw him. Even when it looked like he had completely changed, when he had left Carmel for McKinley they still didn't doubt his motivations. They had tested him when he returned but he didn't think that they ever thought he would fail. In a way, he proved all their labels right. He didn't want Rachel to fall into the same trap, he didn't want her to lose her depth.

When he had been at McKinley Mercedes had commandeered a cheerios performance. She sang Beautiful but before that she had asked questions. She had asked if people felt fat but it was the next question that Jesse put his hand up for.

Do you think you're not worth enough?

His parents made him feel this way, he always worried he would someday fall short for Vocal Adrenaline. The confidence he portrayed wasn't a complete front but it wasn't as absolute as he made it seem.

If he had been back at Carmel he never would have raised his hand he would have stayed confident and pretended just like Rachel had, but he had known that Rachel needed to see it. She needed to know that he felt that way too, that he understood every part of her. Even if everything else had been a facade, that wasn't. He was content to play her crutch, wall or support system for as long as she wanted.

He got her. He had even when he was just watching her perform Don't Rain on my Parade at sectionals. There was a certain desperation there to prove herself and to be accepted; both for herself within New Directions and for New Directions within her school. She had been alone and picked on for a long time.

He had also hoped that his presence at McKinley would help her with that. Show her that she had someone and he had been hurt when she threw this back in his face with her Run Joey Run video. He hadn't been enough for her, she needed more. He didn't want to return after that fiasco but he hadn't finished his job and so he tried to move it forward as soon as he got back and got lucky. Rachel's happiness at having him back softened him slightly, made him want this for her. He hoped that it would make her happy, she could have her mother. They would have to end but he wasn't her dream, Shelby was and if he could bring them together then he would have done an amazing thing for her. Even if he hurt her, she would be fulfilled. Her heart would no longer be missing piece and she could move onto Finn or Puck or whoever she liked because he would always know that she owed part of her happiness to him, even if she didn't.

That was when everything he had envisioned started crashing down around him. Shelby changed her mind. She met Rachel and then changed her mind. Whatever her reasons were, that wouldn't change how it would impact Rachel, it wouldn't change the rejection she felt. He had been so angry at Shelby. He had told her that he didn't want Rachel to get hurt and that was exactly what happened. To make it worse, Vocal Adrenaline were forcing him to prove his loyalty; they performed in the auditorium at McKinley and he had used his previous anger over the Run Joey Run debacle to fuel his performance but Rachel's confused and hurt expression didn't leave him, until it was replaced with the one of utter pain and strength from the egging. He couldn't even remember how it had ended up like that, someone suggested egging New Directions and when Jesse tried to stop them they pushed him. They questioned his loyalty and began to question his feelings for Rachel. It seemed ludicrous for him to have any so he went along with the joke and ended up doing what he never thought he would. Hurt her, really hurt her. Do what had been done to her her entire life. Treat her like she was less than him, like she wasn't worth enough. Exactly what he been trying to show her she wasn't.

He knew that it would have done so much damage but when he saw her performing with Finn at regionals he figured she was over him. In a way it made him feel relieved, he was jealous definitely and he poured that into his performance on Bohemian Rhapsody but he would hate to think he had scarred her too deeply.

He had left for LA and embraced his life there. He was enjoying himself and for most of the time he didn't think of home but when he did, he wondered how she was.

As he sat on seat on the plane, his thoughts were consumed by her. He wondered if he would accidentally run into her while christmas shopping or something else as simple and they would start talking. She would be stand offish at first but then they would slip into a comfortable friendship.

This was just in his imagination, however and he knew that it would never play out in reality. It just wouldn't.

Welcome to Lima, Ohio.

I'm not sure if i'm going to leave this as a oneshot or make it into a multichapter. It works well as a prequel to my other oneshot Just The Way You Are but I would like to maybe try a different route and do it slower, maybe while knowing what happens in this weeks ep. but let me know via reviews what you would like and I'll go with the majority or if someone is really convincing. =]