*Author's note-part 1* After being distracted for so long by different fandoms my focus finally returned on Star Trek (mostly because of the new movie). Once that happened I dug out my notebook with ideas for new stories and decided now would be a good time to start writing again.
This one has been in the process of making since my last story was finished but I couldn't decide on how to proceed with the actual idea. And then it hit me (not literally).
The story is rated T because of the language, if necessary I will change it to M but hopefully that won't be needed.
The story will be somewhat interactive, you can find out more about that on the bottom of the chapter in the 2nd part of the author's note.
The idea for this story comes from a German TV show "Genial daneben". I don't own it nor do I own Star Trek.
Joanna giggled and quietly closed her bedroom door. He mom was downstairs in the den entertaining her extremely loud, and extremely annoying, group of friends. Her mom had no idea that the noise they were making was perfect to mask the sound of Joanna's favorite TV show that was about to start.
The truth was Jocelyn believed the show was as stupid as those who were in it. Starting with her ex-husband.
But Joanna loved it and didn't care what her mother thinks. It's not like they were close anyway. Her dad had the full custody and she only had to spend one month every summer living with her mom. And she was happy that month was almost over.
Joanna flopped on her soft bed and snuggled under the cover before she turned on the TV and changed the channels at lightning speed until she reached Starfleet channel. The commercials were still playing and she sighed in relief, glad that she hadn't missed a single second. A giggle escaped her again and she bounced on the mattress. She may act more mature then her nine years most of the time but something about seeing her dad goofing around with other people always made her giddy.
Not that Leonard McCoy would ever admit he did something like that. No, goofing around was for immature people, Jim Kirk being the primary example.
The sound of the music made Joanna snap out of her thoughts.
It was starting.
Christopher Pike turned towards the audience in the studio behind him and smiled before focusing on the cameras. He had his share of host jobs behind him but this one was by far the craziest; or coolest, depending on the level of insanity during those forty-five minutes.
He waived at the cameras, and through them at the viewers, before announcing "Welcome back to this week's episode of the most entertaining TV show ever made. Because all of the guests are: Genius, but wrong!"
After the applause five people entered the stage and sat at the long table opposite of where Christopher sat. He made a big show of searching through the papers on his personal table before picking up one that would help him announce this week's participants. He obviously didn't need it since he knew all of them personally, being the members of the same TV network and working on the show for several months now, but it was all for fun.
"We have here three repeat appearances. Staring with Jim Kirk, the heartthrob from sci-fi TV series 'Final frontier'. Next to him we have the TV's most famous doctor that tells us week after week about the dangers of modern life, Leonard McCoy. And last but not least of our permanent guests is the TV psychologist and book author, Spock."
All three men greeted the studio audience and the viewers, with the blonde blue-eyed Jim Kirk as usually making the biggest show out of it by standing up and blowing kisses, making the doctor on his right frown and roll his eyes.
"Let's not forget our remaining two guests." Pike started to speak just as Jim sat back down and sent a female in the audience a wink "Everyone's favorite do-it-yourself guy whose show has inspired millions to do things with their own two hands, Montgomery Scott."
The short haired man in a red shirt sent his greetings hastily before focusing back on a piece of paper in front of him and scribbling something on it.
"And as a cherry on the top of the cake, Christine Chapel, award winning actress that just recently accepted a role in a TV hospital drama series 'Sickbay One-Seven-O-One'."
Just as the lovely blond woman was about to wave Jim Kirk, in his usual immature way, interrupted her by turning in her direction and grinned before saying "I wouldn't mind being a cake if you were on top."
No one was surprised when words "Damnit Jim." followed soon after. It was their usual banter and people loved them for it. It was why the show was so popular in the first place.
"Now that all the guests have been properly introduced it's time for everyone to do their thing." Christopher smiled and took the paper from his desk.
But before he managed to say another word Montgomery Scott, or Scotty how he was introduced in his own show, piped "Jim will cover the 'wrong' part of the name."
"Oy, I was right once." Jim instantly went to defend himself and it took him several seconds before he realized his mistake "What I meant-"
"Too late kid." Leonard interrupted him mid-sentence "Once means once."
"Actually, since Jim was right with that statement that makes him right twice." Spock offered in his usual calm and collected voice, his face never revealing the amusement he felt.
Christopher Pike knew now was the time to interrupt, before their bickering took away too much of their time. Silently he wondered what would happen if they were left to quarrel once they started. Would he manage to ask a single question or would they just keep going the entire screening time?
"Okay, lady and gentlemen. And Jim. I hope you are ready because I have for you the first question." He said grinning at a mock frown on Kirk's face "What is a 'twit'?"
A grin spread on Leonard's face but before he managed to say anything Jim cut in "No. I won't take the blame for it."
Christine rolled her eyes "Oh, stop being a twit, Jim."
"Sorry, but that's not correct." Christopher said "Some might disagree, but according to the encyclopedia Jim is not the answer."
"Is it something to eat?" Christine asked and received the answer "No."
"Is a twit an inanimate object?" Scotty asked the next question.
"No." Christopher answered. According to the rules he could only answer with 'yes' or 'no', but sometimes that rule was slightly bent.
"So it's something alive?" Jim asked making the usually collected Spock groan.
"I believe not-inanimate means it's alive." He commented.
Christine looked at Pike seriously "Are you absolutely sure it's not Jim?"
He had to laugh "Yes."
"Is it an animal?" Leonard asked.
His question was answered with a "Yes."
Jim elbowed him "So it's your expertise."
"I'm a doctor, not a veterinary."
Scotty instantly groaned and Jim grinned "You just won me fifty credits. I bet I'll manage to make you say your "I'm a doctor." line."
Spock shook his head "Is it a warm-blooded animal?"
"No."
Being the most logical, and if we're already honest, the most serious one in the group he started to count the possibilities "So it could be a reptile, a fish, an amphibian-"
"Ok, is a twit a somehow different then a regular member of its species?" Christine asked suddenly.
"Yes." Christopher confirmed.
"Like some sort of lizard without legs?" Jim piped in.
Everyone turned towards Jim and Pike shook his head "That's called a snake. And, no."
"Is it an amphibian?" Leonard asked.
"No."
"That leaves it with a fish." He mused before turning towards Spock "Any ideas regarding this special fish?"
"Is it any fish or a certain fish?" Spock asked the host before correcting the way he asked "Is it any fish?"
"Any as in everything that counts as a fish or…?" Christopher asked to clarify the question.
"Yes." Spock explained.
"No."
"Only one certain fish is called a twit." Christine concluded based on the previous answers before adding "And only if it's somehow different."
"Is it because its albino?" Scotty asked.
"No, sorry."
"Is it pregnant?" Jim asked pointing a finger at Christopher.
"Ah, you could say that." The host offered smiling.
"Ha!" Jim jelled before turning towards the other four "A little help here. I can't answer all the questions myself."
"Is twit an egg laden saltwater fish?" Spock asked.
"No."
"Is it often seen in aquariums?" Christine was feeling pretty giddy as she asked.
"Yes, very often. Even I have a few." She grinned as Christopher answered.
"Ah, an egg… what's it called again… goldfish?" Scotty asked.
"Egg laden." Spock offered and Christopher smiled.
"You are correct." He said before someone else offered another answer "A 'twit' is an egg laden, or pregnant as Jim put it, goldfish."
Their correct answer was rewarded with applause from the audience and Jim, as usual, sent another kiss to a random girl sitting in the top row. She blushed and giggled right away making the young actor pretty pleased with himself.
"Now on to the next question. While you are on the roll and all. What are bloodhounds unique for?"
"What is this?" Jim asked groaning "Some kind of animal special? Cause I wasn't told."
"No animal special. Just another question that if answered correctly will bring another one thousand credits to the Enterprise foundation that funds a large number of medical researches. So bloodhounds are unique why?"
"They have the most developed olfactory sense among the canines?" Spock asked.
"Not sure if it's the most developed but that is somehow connected to the answer." Christopher had the right to bend the 'yes-no' rule slightly if necessary so decided to use it.
"They can smell farther then average dogs?"
"They can find the scent after a month?"
"They aren't confused if someone they are tracking leaves black pepper on his trail? Or hers?"
"They can separate the smell of a man of that of a woman?"
"They know if a snake is poisonous by smelling her?"
The questions kept coming and Christopher Pike kept saying "No." and smiling at the absurdity of some inquiries.
"Give up?" he asked after the five seemed to run out of ideas. When they nodded he announced "Since you haven't offered the right answer the one thousand credits are going to a viewers fund and will be awarded to one lucky viewer whose question will get picked out of all arrived ones and asked on the next episode. That is if you don't manage to answer that question correctly either. But back to the explanation. The thing bloodhounds are unique for is they are only animals whose evidence is admissible in court. Of course animals that are considered actual evidence don't count."
Jim groaned and thumped his head on the desk "Seriously?"
"Sorry. But maybe the next question will be easier."
"Like there are easy questions in this show." Scotty muttered.
"Can we have some question connected to sex?" Jim asked "Cause those I can answer easily."
"Nope, sorry." Christopher grinned before asking the third question "What does 'Checkmate' means?"
Four pair of eyes turned towards the person sitting in the middle, namely Spock. He turned left and then right, his face completely without emotions in the process, before he spoke "Just because I play chess does not mean I know the meaning of a name for an inescapable and indefensible attack on the opponent's king."
"There you have it!" Jim waived an arm in Spock's direction "It means an inescapable and indefensible attack on the other guy's king that leaves the guy dead."
"I can't accept that as a correct answer but you are surprisingly close."
"Surprisingly?!" Jim protested and then elbowed Leonard after the doctor snorted "It means the guy is dead!"
"The guy being?" Christopher asked.
"The king." Christine answered instead of Jim "The king is dead."
"And there it is. The correct answer." applause interrupted before the host managed to give a more detailed explanation of the term. But once it stopped Christopher smiled at the five that looked extremely pleased with themselves, even Spock in his usual composed manner "'Checkmate' comes from a Persian phrase 'Shah Mat' and it means, like miss Chapel answered, 'the king is dead'."
"With Jim's help, of course." Christine added.
"The king is dead with Jim's help?" Scotty asked before turning towards the blond man "Just what have you been doing in your breaks lad?"
The audience instantly laughed and Jim's face turned bright red "Hey, I did some crazy things but not that crazy."
"Three down, two more to go. Are you ready?" when they confirmed Christopher added "After this commercials."
Joanna was smiling. She met all those people because her dad took her frequently with him when he was doing his TV show and she know they were just as fun in real life as they were on the screen right now. Jim even offered to get her some small role in 'Final frontier' but so far she was unsuccessful in persuading her dad to allow her to go into acting.
She didn't really want it; she just wanted to spend more time on the set so she can laugh at all the crazy things Jim does when the cameras are turned off. And sometimes while they were still rolling.
The musical passage they used as an intro made her smile again. They were back.
"Welcome back to 'Genius, but wrong'." Christopher Pike said smiling to the camera. He ran a hand to his graying hair before addressing his five famous guests "I hope you are still ready because here is question number four. What does 'zip' in zip-code stands for?"
"Well crap." Jim muttered and looked to his right "Any ideas? Cause mine are all wrong."
"How can you be sure they are wrong?" Christine asked.
"Because I doubt it means 'Zebra in painting' or 'Zane's irresistible pizza'. It's good but not that good."
"Zone in post office?" Christine asked and everyone looked at Christopher hoping for a confirmation. But all they got was a "No."
"Why don't you just tell us and put all of us out of our miseries because there is no way we can guess that one." Leonard commented.
Scotty instantly agreed "I'm with McCoy. Does that thing even have a meaning?"
"Yes it does." Christopher said.
"And the meaning is?" Jim asked.
"Are you sure you won't keep trying? Cause I think you can guess it." When they all confirmed they are giving up on this one Christopher shrugged "Oh, well. You win some, you lose some. Zip stands for 'Zoning Improvement Plan'. The name was proposed in 1944 by Robert Moon, a postal employee, and finally implemented in 1963. That also means you have answered two questions correctly and didn't give right answers to two questions. Let's see how you do with this last question. What is… oh dear God…"
"Is that an actual question?" Spock asked "Because I do not think-"
"No, no. That was just my reaction." Christopher Pike explained before once more running a hand through his hair "The question is…" he took a deep breath "…what is 'JussiPussi'?"
Jim instantly perked "I thought you said none of the questions will be about sex?"
"It isn't about sex." Christopher pointed out, annoyed by who ever picked this question.
"It sure sounds that way." Jim singed grinning the whole time.
"Relax kid." Leonard muttered.
"Is it something to eat?" Christine asked and Scotty grinned before adding "If it's some kind of a sandwich I want one. Or two. Or five."
"Yes." Christopher answered "It's something you can eat."
Jim spread his arms, almost hitting Leonard in the process, before commenting "You know, I meant the same thing."
"No Jim, I do not believe you did." Spock pointed out and then asked "Is it made out meat?"
At that time Jim had to look down and grip the side of the table to prevent himself from blurting the next thought that appeared in his mind at the question.
"No."
"Is it a plant?" Spock asked another question and Christopher looked down on a paper in his hands wondering how to answer that one.
"Not directly a plant but…" he let that one unfinished.
"It's made from a plant?" Christine asked and at a "Yes." looked at the four males on her left and asked them "A suggestion? My creative juices aren't flowing right now."
"Don't do this to me." Jim groaned.
"Jim, my kid is watching this. Behave." Leonard commented his friend's behavior.
"Tell that to the person who thought this question was appropriate for all ages." The young actor said back before focusing on the host "Is it some kind of supplement?"
"No."
"Is it in the food pyramid?" Leonard asked.
"Kind of."
"Is that a 'yes' or 'no'?" Leonard asked uncertain what Pike mean.
"It's 'kind of'."
"Is… JussiPussi…" Christine had a problem with saying the word without feeling completely uncomfortable "…a name of a product?"
"Yes."
"Is it made out of vegetables or fruit?" Leonard asked.
"No and no."
"Aha, so it's out of grain!" Jim stood up from his chair "It's bread."
"Not bread per-say." Christopher commented "But you are pretty close once more."
"Bread sticks!" Jim yelled at the same time as Christine said "Dinner rolls."
"And… you are once more right." Christopher said and Jim grinned before the older man added "I mean the lovely miss Chapel. JussiPussi is a name of dinner rolls from Finland."
Applause as well as a rather loud laughter awarded the correct answer. Once the audience became silent again the intro music played.
"And this means we are at the very end of today's episode of "Genius, but wrong". You got three out of five questions answered correctly and made the Enterprise foundation three thousand credits richer. And one of our viewers could win the remaining two thousand from the fund next week." He turned towards the camera "So join us again next week; same place, same time. And watch how five questions can have a thousand wrong answers. Good night!"
Joanna yawned and turned off the TV. Now she could go to sleep. Anything else they might show on any program wouldn't be nearly as fun.
And as she lied down and pulled the covers up to her ears she made a mental note to ask her dad why Jim was being so silly with that last question.
*Author's note-part 2* I want this story to be interactive just like the actual show that is the base for it. So all readers are more then welcome to submit questions and the most interesting ones (or funniest) will be asked in one of the next chapters, with a credit to the person who submitted it.
You can write it in your review or send me a private message. It should contain the question, the answer, and an instruction if you want it to be answered correctly or not.
Thanks for reading!