Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters,
Spoilers: "I Don't"
Content Warning: None
Summary: Neela contemplates Ray's accident and the coulda, shoulda, woulda's of it all.
I could have said 'No', but I didn't. I merely grabbed my shawl and left with Gates to go to Abby and Luka's wedding.
I should have sought Ray out as soon as I could, but I didn't. I stayed by Tony's side as he told jokes, laughing right along with everyone.
I have spent many hours on the roof, thinking about various things. Ray knew that and he'd always seek me out, if nothing more than to lend an ear. The last time I was on the roof of County was when Michael died. I had thought I lost everything. I was wrong.
I shouldn't have pushed Ray away. After all, he was my best friend and Abby had told me that she felt he was my soul mate.
I could have allowed him to help me with my grief, but I knew I wouldn't be able to control myself with him. I figured out a long time prior that I loved Ray. Loved him with a love that knew no boundaries and far surpassed the love I had for Michael.
I could have chosen to not marry Michael.
I should have chosen to wait.
If I would have waited, I wouldn't have married him.
If I could've just been honest with him, he wouldn't be here, in County, fighting for his life. If I would've just told Tony when he came to pick me up, assuming we'd go to the wedding together.
If I could've just told Ray that I loved him, I wouldn't be up on the roof thinking about the coulda, shoulda, woulda's of my life with Ray and trying to pray that I could have the chance to tell him how much I feel for him. After all, Ray should know I love him.
And I'm on the roof.
I should be with him.