So it's not as great as I would like it to be, please R&R what you liked, didn't like, etc and I might just fix it up :)

When I finally convinced myself there was no chance of Roza coming back I ran home to Russia. Home to my mothers waiting arms.

I stood outside my childhood home for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually a small boy, one who had almost the same features as my own, poked his head out of the door. He ran back inside before I could say a word and a heartbeat later my mother was standing in front of me.

She was saying something, tugging at my arm as my sisters Karolina and Viktoria stood at the door. Watching curiously from a distance.

"Mama." I muttered softly, focusing my attention on what she was saying.

"Dimka, come inside. You must be freezing." She whispered, tugging on my arm again. Shock and fear were evident in her eyes.

I let her lead me inside and sit me down on the couch, she sat beside me, it was a while before I managed to tell her what lead me to seek the comfort of my family.

I'd begged Lissa, begged her more than I had anyone in my life, to bring my Roza back. My brain just couldn't understand how Lissa, Lissa who could bring back the dead couldn't manage to fix her ashen body.

Theres nothing left of her in this world. Nothing left but the broken hearts she left behind. But alas that is the life of a guardian. We spend our entire lives devoted to the protection of others, giving up the chance for a normal life, opportunities, a family. Sure our world was changing now, but that didn't bring Roza back.

That night, long after my family had gone to sleep I found myself sitting outside, staring up at the moon with tears streaming down my face. My mother found me like that, she wrapped a blanket tightly around my shoulders and I knew she understood. Both of us had lost our loves, in very different ways, but both of them were lost to a monster. She sat up with me until dawn, telling me stories of Roza, listening to my heartache, holding me while I sobbed my heart out over my lost love.

"Dimka?" Viktoria was at my door, an almost guilty look upon her face, she and I hadn't spoken much since I had been back.

I smiled half-heartedly up at her. I didn't want to talk.

"How are...what are you feeling?" she whispered.

I struggled to contain my emotions, to keep my face blank. "Okay."

"Why did you love her?" Viktoria demanded suddenly.

Wow. That question caught me off guard. "I um...I don't know. We were...hmm kind of the same. We could always tell what the other was thinking, feeling."

She shook her head, "You weren't the same...Did she tell you about Rolan?"

My mood darkened even more. I nodded wondering where this was going.

"I loved him Dimka. And she, she drove him away. Why?" Viktoria's eyes welled up with tears.

I reached out and laid an arm on her shoulder, "I don't know. But I'm sure she had a good reason, as reckless and careless as she seemed she always had a good reason."

"How can you defend her? I loved him and he loved me too..I was happy until she showed up. She didn't belong with you. I thought she really loved you, but she just came to ruin our family. I hate her."

"Viktoria! Stop." I tried to rein in my anger, "I'm sorry, but Moroi men don't even think about loving dhampirs. Look at mama, look at Sonya. If anything she was trying to protect you!"

I realised too late the hurt my words would have caused her, she was up and at the door.

She shot me one last glare, "She changed you."

"More than you could ever know." I whispered to the dark.

I stayed there for weeks, under the watchful eye of my grandmother, and in the loving embrace of my mother. I reconnected with my sisters and had a disorienting feeling of being treated like a child again.

Eventually Yeva confronted me, telling me the only way I would find peace was to go back to America and face my fears. I've never seen her and my mother fight before like they did that night.

I realised Yeva was right, and with a heavy heart I said goodbye to my mother, promising her I would come back soon. At the airport she held my face in her hands.

"I love you son. I'm sorry I couldn't protect her for you, she was a good person."

I just nodded, unable to form words, and kissed her lightly on the cheek. With that I boarded the plane back to America.

When I reach Lehigh Lissa is waiting for me, the question forming on her lips before I could even get through the door.

I already know what she is going to ask, it's always the same question.

"No. No I'm not okay." I answer for the first time.

My body crumpled to the floor as I gave into my grief once again. Lissa tries to heal the depression, but I don't let her. Rose wouldn't want that. But Rose would also want me to be strong, to go on fighting like she would.

Alive Roza had made me so strong, but now that she was gone I was but half of the man I used to be.

Sure sometimes being with Rose had been hard, she could see so deep into my soul that it terrified me. She knew first hand the horrible monster I had been, the horrible things I had done to her as a Strigoi. Being with her was scary, but not as much as trying to live without her.

So many times since then I have wanted to die. But she made me promise to continue on without her should it ever come to this. Years ago she had kept her promise, no matter the heartache it caused her at the time. It was now time to keep mine.