Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to ER, NBC, Michael Crichton and the other Powers that be that ruin our Roomies, but not to me.

The song is "SO CLOSE TO FOREVER" by Debbie Gibson. I own the CD the song is on, but Debbie Gibson owns the song.

Spoilers: "I Don't" and "The Honeymoon's Over"

Content Warning: None…

Summary: Ray ponders how close he and Neela had been to forever.

Jealousies

Misconceptions

Ray stood at the door, looking at Neela and Tony. She had told him earlier that her memories associated with him and Michael didn't matter anymore and Hope interrupted them before she could expand. He laughed in disgust as Tony stroked Neela's cheek. A trip to the bar, he hoped, could cool the flames of jealousy that was aroused in him.

Opinions

Outside advice

The day of Gallant's funeral. Pratt telling him to give her time; to give her space. The more time and space Ray gave Neela, the more she pulled away and the more she turned to Gates. It wasn't his choice to make anymore. She had to decide. There, in that abandoned back room, he thought that maybe she had, but apparently, he was wrong. He knew that he should be happy for Abby and Luka, and deep down he was, but Gates and Neela…the image sickened him and he asked for another Jack and Coke.

Fears of getting hurt again

Doubt in your eyes

For so long, he hid his feelings, but there came a point when he couldn't. He was in love with her, but he could read her like a book. Well, at least like the first two chapters of a very long Tolstoy novel, anyhow. He had never seen her eyes sparkle like they did around Gates. Gates. He silently cursed the name of the man he considered his arch nemesis. Like Superman and Lex Luther. He played with the stir stick of his drink. Every time he looked at her, he only saw fear and doubt, though he was unsure what she had been afraid of.

Just the little conversation earlier let him know that her fear had been associated him with Michael. Doesn't matter anymore, I guess. One more long drink.

Why do we listen?

Why do we care?

We almost made it there

He closed his eyes and remembered the kiss. That kiss! He could still feel her lips on his and taste the short non-fat vanilla strawberry latte she had been drinking. He had taken a chance kissing her. And it had been a week later, after avoiding the topic, she stood by the jukebox at Sam's birthday party, smiling up at him, telling him he wouldn't have to wait long. And she lied. I have to wait…I have…he took another long sip, wanting to drink himself into such an oblivion he'd forget her, what she said, and how she looked when she was talking to him and to Gates.

We came so close to forever

Now what's done is done

He was brooding. He knew it. So totally Emo! He laughed silently to himself. Pratt had sensed something earlier when Gates walked in, a simply stunning Neela on his arm, laughing. "Bartender! Give my friend another one!" Greg had politely asked. Greg had known for a long time that Ray was in love with Neela. How Pratt figured it out, Ray didn't know, but it was kept just between them.

He ordered another one. He had followed Greg's advice, even scoffed and laughed at Pratt for his advice. He had given her time and she ran farther and farther from him. He knew there was no hope. Not after what he saw on the balcony.

There'll be no resurrection

How can life break its promises

I even made this promise to myself

So close but never there again

He sat hopeless as the fresh memory of Gates stroking Neela's cheek played over and over and over in his head. How could Neela be so cruel about it? Hadn't he made it quite clear in his own way that he loved her? The mixed CD, as cheesy as it was. Recording her favorite programmes when she couldn't watch them. Getting her her cereal. Being there for her. Kissing her. How could she not figure it out?

Ray ordered yet another Jack and Coke – his fourth. The buzz was there, but he wasn't drunk enough to knock out the memory of Gates with Neela. Just the thought of her sleeping with him almost made Ray throw up.

He had thought, earlier that evening, that he and Neela had a chance. A chance to first regain friendship and maybe more. After all, things had started to go back to how things were before Michael died. Hell. Before they were married! He scoffed silently before downing another drink.

Once a king

Now a prince

One step lower

On the list

Ray didn't remember how the fight started, he just knew there was one and Pratt had kicked him out. He didn't want to go, but Pratt told him to go home. So much for fucking friendship! Ray thought as he started walking. He found Carey's Bar and Grill. Not exactly his type of place, but it served alcohol and he needed plenty of that. Jack and Coke seemed to bring him a vague sense of comfort. But, right now, mixing the Jack with Coke didn't seem right, so four shots of Jack…in the same glass, please.

He downed that glass quickly. He realised quickly that it wasn't exactly his brightest idea so Rum and Coke. As he finished off the Rum and Coke, he began to feel a little nauseated. He laughed silently as he realized he could no longer handle his liquor like he used to. He grabbed his coat and started to walk off when he heard his phone vibrating. He turned around and grabbed the phone.

He saw her name. She was calling him, but why? To tell him what he already knew? She had chosen Gates, despite everything she told him in the restaurant. He stepped back as he heard the bleating of a horn and found he'd almost been hit by a UPS truck. Why the fuck are they out at one in the morning? Ray looked at the truck. He flipped his phone open to see she had left him a voice mail.

Then he saw the lights.

It's not plain and simple innocence

'Cause we've been through more now

And it's left its scars somehow

Ray woke up in the hospital. He looked down and realised the truth of what happened. He sighed. I was hoping it was a dream. Why can't it be? Katey had been there, helping him. His mom had come to help. Despite everything, he could only think of her. Why wasn't she there? He had to call her.

She had come. She tried to tell him that she was sorry and she broke it off with Gates. This, only after he told her he fought for her; trusted her and even fell in love with her. He felt it didn't matter, but as he drifted off to sleep, he was surprised to find her still sitting there.

Ray didn't remember much. But what he did remember was a soft kiss on the neck, him whispering her name, and Neela assuring him he'd get through this. He looked at her and saw something in her eyes he hadn't seen before. She loved him, but it didn't matter, did it?

He glared at his mom as they left Chicago. He was closer to Neela and his mom, refused to listen to him, took him home to Baton Rouge. He looked out the window. So much for fucking forever.

Oh, oh, oh now what's done is done

It's close so close but never there again