I've been staring blankly at my laptop screen for the last fifteen minutes. I'm going off the deep end with this divorce case, I can't help it; and now I'm here in a dilemma, struggling to find a way to help my client. It's a lie. It's a lie. I don't know how many times my client repeated those words to her husband. They are stuck in my head, playing on repeat. It's a lie. I know that my answer is hiding somewhere in that short sentence but I can't read between the lines.
My fingers type on the keyboard, instinctively, and before I realize it, I read on the screen: 'Lie'. I press enter. The 264,000,000 results shock me. Wiki, definitions from I don't know how many dictionaries, even a guide advising how to lie – do people even need a guide for that? I always assumed that liars were already born with dishonesty in their genes – and a long list of quotes about lying. I shake my head, trying to refocus on my problem - my client - and click on the first link that I find reliable.
I always thought that a lie was just that, a lie. The opposite of truth. Simple as that. But all the different kinds of lies that this site lists take me aback and I can't help but think about all the lies that left a mark in my life – and in my marriage - and I realize it's much more complicated than just hiding the truth.
And for all the lies I received from Peter, there are a few I told him myself.
I browse through the definitions, highlighted in bold letters. There are tons. As a lawyer it's one of my abilities to make truth out of a lie and vice versa. Still, it's the first time that I actually stop and take the time to think about what a lie is, about what lies beneath a lie. And as I skim through the definitions I realize how some of them fit me in a painful way.
One catches my attention in particular… 'Emergency lie'. An emergency lie is a strategic lie told when the truth may not be told because, for example, harm to a third party would result.
My face clouds, I think about what I did. I look at the walls around me. Through the glass wall I can see the tag that shows my name in huge letters as name partner of my new firm. And I can't imagine a more emergent lie than the one I told Peter only a few weeks ago. It's a matter of respect, it's the promises they made and didn't keep. It's the partnership they gave us and took back when they didn't need our money anymore. I know he trusted and believed my words and I probably won't ever get over the fact that this is the worst lie I ever told him – or anyone else – in my whole life. But the truth would have torn down everything that we've been striving to rebuild over the last months. I can't tell him that I did it in a desperate attempt to save our still fragile marriage that we were still in the process of mending. I can't tell him that it was the only way I could come up with to put a distance in between me and the man he loathes so much. And I know it only adds a lie to all the others. If that's the price to pay to save what I most care for, so be it. An emergency case requires an emergency lie. It all makes sense.
I take a moment. The list is damn long and I know I'm losing focus - actually I've already lost it – from my initial objective.
And then my eyes fall to… 'Lying through your teeth' - Its sound alone is already bad. Its meaning is even worse. When one lies face-to-face with the intended recipient. This also may be an expression describing the act of lying with a smile or other patronizing tone or body language.
I'm sure I did it more than once, but one in particular turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes in my life. I remember that Grace was two months old and I had to decide what to about my life, my career and Peter's one. At that time, I thought I couldn't handle everything. I can't still today. I felt that I needed to make a choice and made the one that felt most logical. I told Peter that I wanted to drop my job and my career to dedicate myself to him and to our family. I remember his doubts, I remember telling him in his face that I wanted it. I remember I smiled as I said that he and the kids came first. It was the truth in the end, but inside I was dying. Now I know it. Now that I have the law back in my life I know that I shouldn't have given up on it in the first place, I know that I shouldn't have lied to Peter saying that it was what I wanted when instead it was what I felt was right. And it's ironic – though not in a funny way – that it was his transgression to bring what I missed back in my life. The moment I had my career back was the moment I had lost part of my family. Years later, I'm still struggling to handle everything but it's okay now, I'm stronger and I know that I can do it this time around.
My gaze falls on the last definition. 'White lie.'White lies are minor lies which could be considered to be harmless, or even beneficial, in the long term. White lies are also considered to be used for greater good. A common version of a white lie is to tell only part of the truth, therefore not be suspected of lying, yet also conceal something else, to avoid awkward questions.
I can see myself smiling at the memory. It's been years ago, nineteen actually. And even today I still don't know what drove me to lie in the first place. I remember telling Peter that I was pregnant. I remember his expression, shocked at first, turning surprised then enlightened by a warm smile. I told him it was an accident, a miscalculation, that I didn't know how it happened. But the truth is that Zach wasn't an accident. I knew exactly what I was doing. A lie that in the end made little sense, since we had already set the date for the wedding. But I remember perfectly that at that time I felt the need to do it. I wanted to prove something but I didn't know what or to who. Myself? Mum? That I wasn't a good girl? That I was irresponsible? I don't know even today. I just did it. I never told him. First it was wrong, then it felt wrong, then it was too late and one day the lie was forgotten, replaced by a false truth. It's easier to explain getting pregnant by mistake than getting pregnant wittingly but for reasons you don't know yourself. And in the end, it didn't change anything, just the date of wedding being slightly adjusted because Jackie had freaked out and cried scandal. Maybe the rebel side in me did it for her, too.
The list is over and replaced by all the consequences deriving from lies. But I'm not concentrating on that right now. I think that among all these lies, there must be some truth as well. My smile widens as Peter's voice echoes in my memory. Say yes. At first I had panicked. It was a recommitment for the rest of our lives. I knew that I needed time before giving an answer, because a simple yes or a no would have bound me forever. I remember that I tried to imagine my life without him. Because that was what a no would have meant. A real end. Not the limbo we had seemingly been stuck in for the last four years. And I remember not liking the feeling of that. The moment I said yes was probably the most honest I've been in years. It felt like starting everything all over again, washing away what's been bad or wrong in the last nineteen years and begin again, keeping only the good. I smile as I give a last review to my old life. My smile widens as I realize that at the same time I now know how to help my client, too. Lies don't help, they never did, they never will. In the end, it's the truth that matters.