Oneshot based on the episode Sleep Tight
Title: Instantly
Summary: Everything he had wanted to see, everything that he had hoped for was gone...instantly.
Rating: T
Genre: Drama/Angst
Characters (mentioning): Angel, Wesley, Connor, Fred, Gunn, Holtz, Lilah, and Darla
Song:
'But I'm down to my last
I'm standing here alone
Looking back at it all
It had happened so fast--so soon. So sudden with sheer unexpectedness. It had happened in a blinding moment--amidst all the confusion, bargaining, and hustle. He barely had had time to reason, to think. Not until it was too late. Until it was all over. Then, the questions rushed in over the shock. More than just shock, actually. Anger, fear, sadness, shock, confusion...oh and so much more. He was lost then...didn't know what he would do, was going to do, or what to say. He was fragile. So much more than normal that it hurt.
Because for the first time, Angel knew what it felt like to lose a child he loved. For the first time, he felt the hopelessness. Because as Holtz ran through the muddle of confusion and people surrounding with his son into the dimension portal, Angel felt lost. he hadn't been able to save his baby boy in time.
Connor was lost from his grip forever. And he blamed too many people to count. Yet, it hurt so much more to blame himself for the loss.
All the things Angel wanted to see was lost. He would never see Connor's first steps. He would never feel that fatherly pride and love. Unless he got him back. Somehow. He would...no matter what it took.
"Let him suffer," is what Lilah Morgan had said as he laid on the road pavement in a flurry of emotions. What she didn't know was that his pain was so much stronger than she could have ever dreamt to guess about. What she had said was true--yet it hurt a lot worse.
"Let him suffer."
Oh, how he was.
"Connor..." Angel couldn't even hear himself speak. His voice sounded so weak, so far away. Just saying his boy's name hurt. What was worse, it confused him. How Lilah Morgan, Holtz, and the whole rest of them knew each other. Knew how to devise the plan to take his son. Then again, Wesley had gone behind his back confronting Holtz. All because of a prophecy--that was unknown to have become real. And although he would like to blame Wesley fully, he just couldn't.
Because it was just as much his own fault as anybody else's. Wesley Wyndam-Pryce would just pay later. After all, he did plan to kidnap his son. He had Lorne to thank for that, had luck served right.
"Connor."
Angel couldn't bear to drag himself back to the Hyperion, tell Fred and Gunn what had happened and cope with the emptyness. The empty crib, the empty bottles never to be filled again...no more wake-up calls at night, no more diaper changes, cradling...nothing. And to think that Fred had found more than just the normal mix of pig's blood. That he had lashed out at Connor so harshly without meaning to or even knowing it. And that even though as a vampire, he could feel Connor's heart beat and blood course through his small body, he silently craved a taste for human blood. And that's what Fred had found a trace of in the test she had conducted.
That he might have actually really kill his baby boy he loved so much.
Yet...he did love his son so much. Prophecy or no prophecy. He would never have wanted to harm Connor. He wouldn't have. Ever. But the strong desire for pure human blood, such as the one that ran through his boy, was so strong.
The belief that his Angelus side would come out and take over was imminent.
Connor had been stripped from his life. Darla had told Angel to keep their boy safe. To love him and tell him that he was the only good thing that they have ever done together. The only good thing they had done as vampires.
The only thing.
Angel had no idea now what Darla would think of his slip-up. He didn't want to try and figure it out, either.
"Connor...my son."
It had happened so fast. So soon. He barely saw it coming. It was all in slow motion just as much as it had been so quick. So much so.
It had happened...
...instantly.
JayJay