Disclaimer: Don't own Lord of the Rings, or anything characters mentioned
This is just a bit of fun, please don't take it seriously.
The Alternate Version of LOTR
Nine set out upon this quest,
Aragorn thought it was all just a jest,
Boromir tagged along simply for a joke,
And Pippin for a chance to laugh at the big folk.
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They started out from Elvish Rivendell,
Aragorn leaving Arwen, who now feels unwell,
Elrond stays out late at other's houses dining,
As he is sick of Arwen's constant whining.
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The nine travelled towards the passage North,
But as they all made their way forth,
The spies of Saruman soared overhead,
Gandalf changed course and over Heredaras led.
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Saruman started shaking his legs,
Jumping up and down and waving his pegs,
Chanting a spell in a sing-song tone,
Back on the mountain Gandalf began to moan.
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The mountain crumbled on our heroes nine,
Gimli knew the alternative was the Mine,
Luckily none of the heroes were maimed,
And the beast inside Boromir was once again tamed.
-------
They turned to Frodo to tell them which way,
But Boromir argued against his say,
"To Gondor we should travel!" He said,
Aragorn answered, "We'll all end up dead."
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"The Mines of Moria!" Frodo declared,
Legolas rolled his eyes with his teeth bared,
The Mines were a dark and dusty place,
They would ruin his hair and dirty his face.
-------
The walls of the Mine came in to view,
The secrets they held only the dwarves knew,
A riddle prevented the door from opening,
(That and Gandalf's memory is a very old thing.)
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The door was opened, what a treat!
Piles of dead bodies and rotting meat,
"This is no mine," declared Boro, "this is a tomb!"
As the doorway collapsed with a loud boom.
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They stopped and started as Gandalf's mind whirred,
"I have no memory of this place," Gandalf murmured,
'That's obvious' Frodo thought, with a look with Aragorn,
Who laughed and shook his head, loyalties torn.
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Then Frodo noticed with shock a most horrible thing,
Gandalf whispered, "That's Gollum- he wants the ring,"
"He should be killed!" Gandalf surveyed the hobbit,
"Who're you to deal out judgement and death? Nitwit!"
Gandalf looked around at the group, "Who?" he asked,
Aragorn raised his hand, expression masked.
-------
"I hope you're joking," Gandalf warned,
"Or your Kingly demise will not be mourned."
Aragorn smiled round his pipe and glanced about,
"I thought that's what being King was all about!"
-------
They travelled through Moria and came to a coffin,
His cousin's beer, Gimli would no longer be quaffing,
The drums began to beat, Gimli began to shout,
"They have a cave troll," Boromir said with doubt.
-------
They fought the orcs hard, they fought them well,
Fortunately only one of our gallant heroes fell,
Frodo gave a squeak and to the floor he slumped,
The audience cheered, "Serves him right, the chump!"
-------
As Boromir mused happily away to himself,
He'd present the ring to Gondor and gain some wealth,
Aragorn checked out Frodo and found him alive,
The audience groaned and in a corner Boromir cried.
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"We must move quickly," Gandalf sprang up,
Frodo only has little legs and couldn't keep up,
The Orcs surrounded them in the Great Hall,
But they all ran away at the Balrog's call.
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"It's a Balrog," said Gandalf, "A terrible foe,"
"None of you can fight this, quick let's go!"
They ran for the bridge as the Balrog appeared,
Gandalf stood his ground and showed no fear.
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They fought each other, out there on the bridge,
"Fly you fools," he whispered as he let go of the ridge,
They'd made it to the end, but Gandalf was dead,
Aragorn became leader and it went straight to his head.
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"On your feet!" He shouted while striding around,
All across the hills his Kingly voice did sound,
"I dare not be late for the Lady in White,
For it is said her bark is nothing to her bite."
-------
Our heroes finally reached the mythical wood,
Covered in leaves and splattered with mud,
"I could shoot a dwarf in the dark," Haldir declared,
Gimli glared up at him with his teeth bared.
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"Nine there were yet eight I see," Celeborn said,
'Very perceptive,' thought Sam, 'Gandalf's dead',
"Gandalf has fallen," Galadriel butted-in,
And silently to Boromir, "you think Gondor will win?"
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"Go now and rest for you are all weary,
We will sing a song, it'll be far from cheery,"
"I cannot rest in such a place," muttered Boromir,
"These borders are protected, there's nothing to fear."
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While seven of our heroes slept, Frodo stayed awake,
And gawped at Galadriel who was walking by the lake,
Urging to him quietly, "Look into the pool,"
The images were awful, but the pool pretty cool.
-------
"If asked I will give you the ring," Frodo said,
She wanted the ring, but knew they'd end up dead,
"Please take it from me!" Frodo pressed,
"I dare not take it," Galadriel confessed.
-------
The morning after they were sent on their way,
It was peaceful on the river and a beautiful day,
They all clutched gifts from the Lady of the Wood,
Sam was a bit miffed- he'd only got some mud!
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Down the river they travelled till light began to fail,
Frodo was thinking of the best time to bail,
Saruman's Army was nearly upon them,
Boromir's life they were soon to condemn.
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"Where's Frodo?" Sam asks, worry in his voice,
Well Master Gamgee, he's made the ultimate choice,
Care more about Boromir, out collecting wood,
The ring is in his sight; he'll do more harm than good.
-------
"It should be mine, it will be!" He starts to shout,
He threw himself at Frodo, who hit out with a clout,
Frodo slips the ring on and disappears from sight,
Leaving Boromir to yell desperately into the night.
-------
Frodo runs away from Boromir's wails,
But hiding from Sauron, at that he fails,
"I see you," the eye whispers, blazing with fire,
Frodo stumbles back, knowing his situation is dire.
-------
"Frodo!" Aragorn yells, coming to the rescue,
"The ring has taken Boromir, has it taken you to?"
Aragorn kneels down and shakes his head,
"I would have followed you to the end," he said.
-------
A flash of blue steel, the Orcs are here!
Aragorn did a little dance and at the Orcs did jeer,
Legolas and Gimli came to help Aragorn's plight,
While little Frodo Baggins did take flight.
-------
Boromir blew his horn till his cheeks turned red,
From three arrows in his chest, his blood he bled,
He fell to the floor as Aragorn appeared,
And killed the Orc, the audience cheered.
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"Leave it," Boromir gurgled, Aragorn beside him did kneel,
Boromir thought that he had got a very raw deal,
Three arrows in the chest and a Ranger by his side,
He wished he'd brought Faramir along for the ride.
-------
Aragorn set Boromir in a boat, and over a waterfall he fell,
"We hunt Orc, or we've left Pippin to a fate worse than hell,"
The three set after the Orcs across the harsh land,
The audience clapped, their heroes are indeed grand.