Clara stood stock-still in the office supply aisle at S-Mart, staring at the shelf in wonder.
"What the devil is that thing?" She asked the man who worked there in utter confusion.
The S-Mart employee walked over to the overly sized cardboard box and tried to reach for it, only to discover it was at the certain height to where he could not hold it with his prosthetic hand. He turned towards Clara and that was when she got a good look at the S-Mart employee.
He looked to be in his mid 30's with a full face, a small scar on his upper-right forehead and another placed on his right cheekbone, he also had a rather large chin fit for a super hero which was accompanied by dark black hair that was slicked back. His hair was styled in such a way that a little piece of it fell to just above his right eyebrow, it appeared as though he attempted to recreate the "Superman Curl" with it but left out the curl part. He wore the traditional S-Mart uniform; a light blue button up with red lining on the collar. He changed the employee look a bit by wearing a gray undershirt accompanied by a navy blue tie with purple and white lines accenting it. His name-tag read, "S-Mart" along with the classic saying, "Hello, my name is Ash."
"Hang on, I'll go get a ladder." He said in a sort of B-List actor voice as he turned the corner to fetch the ladder.
Clara waited for quite some time until she finally decided to try and reach the strange box on her own by stacking a few smaller boxes, filled with other office supplies, to give her a boost. She stood on her tiptoes in her red converse sneakers as she got a firm hold on the box and started sliding the box towards her only to discover that it weighed more than she thought, causing it to fall to the ground and make her lose her balance as she fell to the cold hard floor.
Ash had turned the corner with the ladder just after Clara had fallen and saw her on the ground inspecting her knee, which had a small bruise forming on it.
"Hey you okay? I told you to wait for the ladder." Ash said, helping Clara up from the gound.
"You took too long! I waited for a really long time!"
"I was gone for about 5 minutes..." Ash checked his watch and said, looking at Clara with a slight smirk. He noticed that the box was on the ground and decided to just set the ladder on a nearby shelf so he could investigate the mysterious cardboard box. As he turned it on it's side he saw the small image of a piglet depicted in black ink with wording that said "Sausage the Destroyer".
"Does that say what I think it says?" Clara questioned, wondering how a sausage could destroy anyone without the help of some kind of nuclear warhead and a few rubber bands.
Ash turned the box right side up and cautiously opened the top, using his metal prosthetic hand to hold the box in place while his other fiddled with the folded cardboard. When he opened it up, Clara peered over his shoulder into the box to be completely disappointed to see nothing was inside.
"Well that's rubbish, how did it weight anything then?" She pondered out loud, still peering into the box as Ash put his prosthetic hand inside the box to check for anything. Just as his hand entered the box, the container came to life; rumbling on the ground, wind coming out of it like a tornado, and Ash's hand getting sucked into a small purple vortex.
"Gah, er..." He struggled with his prosthetic hand as he stood up and tried to pull it free with his free arm.
"Ah! Let me help!" Clara yelled as she started pulling on Ash's body, attempting to dislodge his hand from the small vortex. Eventually they heard a POP and they both flew backwards, Ash landing on Clara in the process.
"He-Hey! I'd appreciate it if you could remove your Ash from my personal bubble!" Clara yelled slightly as Ash struggled to stand up, looking at his arm with no hand.
"I...I liked that one! Whichever demon from Hell it is this time, you're gonna pay for that one!" Ash directed towards the box, which was now fully open in all of it's disappointing glory.
"What the devil was that?" Clara stood up from the ground, dusting herself as well.
Just as those words left her mouth, the lights dimmed and loud footsteps could be heard from the other end of the aisle. Ash and Clara looked in the direction of the stomping to see the strangest creature in all of creation drag it's body around the corner.
"Is...is that a...pig?" Clara asked Ash, as he stood in shock at the beast that was lumbering itself toward the two; holding a rather large axe on it's shoulder. The pig beast was about six or seven feet tall, wearing barbaric armor with a large symbol of a pig on the breastplate, golden jewelry decorating it's grotesque face, nose attempting to imitate Niagara Falls but with it's own substance, and a large double-edged axe.
"Not just any pig...it's Sausage the Destroyer..." Ash answered, slowly stepping back as he pulled Clara back with him with his only hand, "...and he owes me a hand!" He yelled as him and Clara ran away from the beast towards the hunting section of S-Mart.
"Where are we going? We need to get out of here! Call the cops or something!" Clara questioned Ash with her machine gun mouth, shooting questions and demands at him as Ash stared at the Hunting section; admiring the fake deer, the targets all around the place, the camouflage thrown everywhere, the goofy banner that said "It's Huntin' Time!", and of course...the guns.
"Groovy." Ash said to himself as he quickly walked over to a case and opened it with his key, acquiring a shotgun with a rather long barrel and the shells required for it.
"Go ahead, take something. You might need it." Ash directed towards Clara, whom was currently looking over a small pistol. After the two of them had their weapons to defend themselves they started to sneak around the store; which was empty since it was so late at night. They were slowly making their way towards the hardware section, both of them sneaking around corners with Ash using his hand-less arm as a way to improve his aim with the shotgun and with Clara holding the small pistol in her hands uncomfortably.
They were sneaking around one corner that lead down the outdoor toys area, Ash aiming his shotgun right in front of him, when they were stopped dead in their tracks by a large axe-head being swung down in front of them; effectively shortening the shotgun quite a bit. They both slowly looked up to see Sausage the Destroyer staring at them with a runny nose and the urge to, well...destroy in his eyes. The oversized ham hefted it's axe up, and with a loud OINK it swung down at the two but they luckily backpedaled just in time to have the axe land right in front of them into the tiled floor.
"Bit too close for comfort there Piglet..." Ash cleverly added as he cocked the shotgun and fired a shot into the chest of Sausage the Destroyer. The bullets made contact, pushing the pig beast back a bit with the force, but seemed to have no effect on the creature.
"Time to run?" Clara quesitoned, slowly backing up as Sausage heaved the axe into the air for another swing.
"Yea...let's boogy." Ash said as him and Clara ran away from the demon, having to go down the previous aisle to reach their destination of the hardware section. They ran as far as their legs to take them with Piglet right on their tale, grunting and oink-ing as he tried to move his heavy body towards his target. The two reached the electronic section of the store, the last one right before the hardware section, and they ducked behind a collection of TV's as Piglet walked up and down the movie racks, searching for his prey.
"Where are we going?" Clara demanded in a soft whisper to Ash, whom was peeking just above a plasma TV at Sausage the Destroyer before hiding his head as the beast looked in their direction.
"Gotta pick up a replacement." He answered vaguely before looking completely confused, "It's quiet..."
"Maybe he went away?" Clara hoped, not wanting this night to continue anymore.
"No he's too stubborn...why isn't he making a noise?" Ash pondered as he peeked his head around the TV, only to see Sausage the Destroyer standing on the other side of the TV collection.
"Oh, hey there Hammy. You know, these TV's are available for layaway." Ash said as he quickly dragged Clara back away from the TV just in time to miss Sausage's swing of his axe; cutting the expensive TVs in half like a butter knife would a stick of melted butter.
"Blimey..." Clara said out loud as Sausage stepped through the new opening, preparing for another strike and another oink but Ash fired another round into his chest. This time causing Sausage to step back a few times, crushing a few small electronics that were set up behind him.
"Time to move again." Ash said as they made a quick dash to the hardware section, making their way towards the chainsaws.
"Um...why do you we need a chainsaw? I thought you said we were looking for a replacement..." Clara asked Ash in a whisper, only to be ignored as Ash worked quickly to fashion a connecting on his arm as to prop the chainsaw in place of his missing hand.
"Now we're talking." He said as he pulled back on the chainsaw, roaring it to life.
"Uh, now he's going to know where we are." Clara said, slightly worried as she gripped her pistol with shaky hands. Just as those words left her mouth, Sausage burst through a tools rack to come face to face with his prey again.
Ash stood up and sniffed the air, and looked Sausage directly in the eyes"Hey nice face, let me fix it for ya!" he said before firing a round right into the pig beast's face, causing more blood to spill from the pig demon. Sausage the Destroyer fell to the floor on his knee for a moment before standing up again, filled with anger, only to be fired upon again...this time in the knee by Clara.
"AH!" She cried, not used to the recoil of the gun that she just fired.
"DID YOU JUST FIRE A GUN WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED?" Ash yelled at her, only to be interrupted by Piglet start running towards them with his axe in the air, "So that's how we're playing it huh? Come get some." Ash said as he ran straight at the beast before jumping to the right to dodge the axe he then stuck the chainsaw out just in time to catch the pig in the waist, cutting him into two piggy halves. Bits of bacon and ham flew all over the floor, making Clara quite queasy from the sight of a opened up pig; only to see Ash step on the bacon bits towards her as he got some on his nice shoes.
"Thank you for shopping at Ass Woopings Are Us." he wiped some pig guts off his shoes before Clara screamed again and pointed at the remains of Sausage the Destroyer. The two halves of sausage started spewing a strange green substance, slowly forming the other's half. Ash stared in shock while Clara hid behind a small cardboard cutout of a deer, peeking over the top of it to see some more of the possible action. In less than a minute, there stood two more Sausages...both equally as ugly as the first.
"Huh... Now who should I kill next? Decisions, decisions... ummm – you!" He said before running towards ugly number one, only to get kicked through a rack of tools by ugly number two. Clara hid in fear to see her protector kicked so forcefully, the two pigs started making their way slowly towards Ash. She knew she had to do something, so why not something crazy? She decided on yelling and throwing a wrench at one of the pigs to try and get their attention, she then decided on trying to shoot one with her pistol; trying to keep her eyes open this time.
"AH!" She cried once again upon firing the weapon upon the two walking Christmas dinners, completely destroying the face of one in the process while taking a large chunk out of the others arm.
The two pigs equipped their weapons, one with the previous axe and the other with a rather large sledgehammer, as they lumbered towards Clara; who was firing shot after shot into the two creatures from the cooking show from Hell. As they got closer, a loud chuckle could be heard over by where Ash was kicked. Ash stepped out from the hole in the rack of tools with his chainsaw roaring and his shotgun fully loaded.
"Ya know, Butt and Ugly decided to have twins, and guess what...you two are the result." He said while firing a shotgun shell into one pig while running up and sticking his chainsaw into the others gut.
"Some are born to use a chainsaw, and others have a chainsaw thrust through their gut." He quickly added after kicking the pig away from his chainsaw that was roaring as loud as a large swarm of angry, rabid bees.
The other pig recovered from it's welcome party with the shotgun to hit Ash with it's sledgehammer, causing Ash to fly back a bit from the force. Clara used this chance to start firing upon the pigs again while Ash tried to stand up from his hug with the sledgehammer.
"Now I swear, the next one of you pigs touches me..." He started saying as he walked past the pig with his gut opened up, firing a shot into the pigs head and then cutting it off with his chainsaw; seeing as how the other pig was now preoccupied with Clara. "I bet you ten to one...that hurt."
"ASH!" Clara screamed as she stumbled away from the menacing pig monster that was swinging his sledgehammer wildly at her; hitting everything but her. Ash picked up the head of the decapitated pig in his hand and yelled towards the other one, causing it to turn around as he waved the head back and forth a bit.
"Look what I got." He said, throwing the head at the pig demon; hitting it square in the chest. "Kiss my boomstick." He yelled upon firing his shotgun into the face of the beast, causing it to fall to the ground as he walked up and decapitated it just like the first.
"Ugh, does his mother kiss him with that face?" He said after kicking the head away like a soccer ball, "Hey, you alright?"
"Are you crazy? You could have gotten us killed! Where did you even learn to do that stuff? Do you do this all the time?" She fired question after question towards Ash as he stepped closer to her.
"Crazy is as crazy does. Now give me some sugar baby." He said after taking her and kissing her in that weird way people do that in movies when the girl is sort of leaning back; you know the way. After the short kiss, Ash was immediately greeted with a firm palm to the side of his face as Clara thanked him for saving her life and walked away; obviously traumatized from the experience.
"Groovy" Ash said one final time as he looke down at the two decapitated heads and cleverly said, "Sorry about your faces, let me get you a tissue...and a mop." He walked over to the nearest cleaning closet to begin cleaning up another one of his messes from Hell. As he was almost finished he heard a loud scream echo through another part of the store; he sighed and smiled, "One day, I'll leave my life of violence behind. Until then, I'll enjoy my work." he muttered to himself as he raced off towards the newest threat from his friend downstairs.
The morale of the story? Don't go anywhere without Ash Williams, a boomstick, a chainsaw, and awesome one-liners packed and ready to go.
(A/N) Was chosen to do a "storytime" on a subreddit and was without ideas, so I searched for writing prompts and found this: "Claire stood-stock still in the office supply aisle at Wall-Mart, staring at the shelf in wonder". This is the result, a random Ash William appears to battle pig demons! Might consider doing more random one shots every once in a while, I really like writing Ash Williams because he's just so awesome and cheesy (plus Bruce Campbell FTW). Let me know how I did! I love all yo faces!