At Home with the Malfoys – Episode 2

We open with Lucius walking into the second floor living room. He notices a piece of shit lying on the floor and goes mad! He see's Dobby the house elf.

LUCIUS
Look at that fucking shit! Just look at it, go on get out of my fucking house

Lucius chases Dobby to the window and picks him up.

LUCIUS
You stupid fucking house elf

Lucius throws dobby out of the window and we hear a yelp and a loud bang below. Narcissa's voice can be heard below, she is opening the front door.

NARCISSA
NOOOOOOOOOOO!

The camera focuses out of the window down below, Dobby lies on Narcissa's brand new Cadillac car

NARCISSA

You better not have fucking landed and broke my new Cadillac, no you did not, NO YOU DID NOT!

Narcissa grabs Dobby off of her now shattered-classed and dented Cadillac. She knees him on the head and then throws him at the wall.

NARCISSA

LLUUCCIIUUSS!!!

The camera turns to Lucius

LUCIUS

Uh-oh

OPENING CREDITS

The camera is walking out of the living room into the entrance hall, there is some kind of commotion at Malfoy Manor

NARCISSA

No Lucius, we have to take him to a therapist, his shitting around the fucking house is getting out of hand

Narcissa glares at Dobby who whimpers and runs off into the utility room with a basket full of laundry.

LUCIUS

No Cissy, I am not paying for that little fuck-head to get therapy

Narcissa sighs and walks outside, the camera follows her.

NARCISSA

I don't know why he is fucking acting like this; does he want the fucking elf to fucking shit all over the fucking house all of the fucking time? Ugh, I just don't know.

Narcissa walks over to the pool area; Draco is in the pool doing laps. Narcissa spots a chance to have a mother-son conversation

NARCISSA

So ugh Draco hunny, what are you doing.

Draco stops swimming for a second and looks at her

DRACO

I'm swimming, duh!

Narcissa frowns

NARCISSA

Don't you get cheeky with me young man!

DRACO

Tsh, whatever, look Mum, i'm not in the mood to have a Kodak moment here ok?

Narcissa pulls a face that suggests she is extremely affronted and turns to the camera.

NARCISSA

I just don't know how he has the fucking nerve to do that; he must get it from his fucking drunken father.

Cut scene to Lucius sitting in the living room with two empty bottles of Whiskey lying on the table and another half full bottle in his hand.

LUCIUS

You... ya kneoow that me I love her, she I know fucking love her

Dobby enters the room, Lucius thinks it is Narcissa.

LUCIUS

Come 'ere you big boobed bitch, I wanna suck your nipply nipples kkk some nipps nipps.

Dobby wimpers and tries to run past Lucius but too late, he grabs him

LUCIUS

You know I wanna just love you don't you, you and me remember France... la parisien de love

Lucius starts to caress Dobby like a lady. There is a cut scene to Narcissa sitting with a now dressed Draco in the car.

NARCISSA

We're just going to get Draco some new Quidditch supplies

While Narcissa says this in the Driver's seat, in the passenger seat Draco mouths 'She is trying to bribe me, but i'm just doing it for the Quidditch stuff'

Cut scene to a few minutes later on the road, the camera is in the back seat crouching under the dented roof and trying not to get frost bite with all of the wind coming through the smashed windows.

CAMERA MAN 1

So Mrs. Malfoy are you planing on getting the car fixed.

NARCISSA

No, I think the fucking wind cuts down my thighs so that I end up slimmer

The camera men and Draco sigh

NARCISSA

What? Was it something I said?

COMMERCIAL BREAK

END COMMERCIAL BREAK

The camera shows a dented Cadillac parked outside a huge Toy's OR' Us Wizarding store

NARCISSA

So how much is this quidditch kit?

Narcissa is talking to a shop assistant who is vaguely paying attention

SHOP ASSISTANT

Err that will be 6 Galleons

NARCISSA

Erm, Excuse me?

The shop assistant leans over the counter and speaks in a slow childish voice

SHOP ASSISTANT

S-I-X G-A-L-L-E-O-N-S

NARCISSA

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE, 6 FUCKING GALLEONS FOR THIS PIECE OF SHIT

Draco grabs his mother's arm

DRACO

Ok Mum, that's it, let's go, you're embarrassing me

Narcissa refuses and Draco steps back as if to pretend he doesn't know her

GIRL

Umm, isn't that your Mum?

The girl snorts a little

DRACO

Umm no! Where the hell did you get that Idea

GIRL

Well umm maybe you shouldn't have said, 'Let's go mum you're embarrassing me'

She snorts again

DRACO

GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FUCKING PSYCHO, SHE'S NOT MY FUCKING MOTHER!

Meanwhile in the backround there is a crowd centred around Narcissa and the Shop assistant who were now pulling eachother's hair and calling eachother 'Slappers'

Another girl comes over to the girl beside Draco

GIRL 2

Umm, you did not just say that to my friend! Did you?!?

The second girl was much bigger than the first and looked fierce, but Draco spoke back non the less

DRACO

Well "UMM" maybe if you would clear out the big statue-worth of wax from your dumbo ears, you would have heard me say it more clearly

GIRL 2

O ho ho, you did not just say that

DRACO

"O HO HO" I did!

Suddenly the second girl thwacked Draco so hard on the face that he went flying across the room into a huge pyramid of Bardie Witch Doll's

Narcissa noticed and marched over to the second girl

NARCISSA

You fucking slag, only I can get to hit my fucking son

With that Narcissa slapped the girl on the face and suddenly she was in two fights at once, by this time Draco had gotten up and had started fighting with the second girl's boyfriend

BOYFRIEND

You think you're fucking cool don't you?

DRACO

Spot on!

Draco suddenly poked him with his wand and it broke miserably

DRACO

Umm, whoops?

Suddenly all five fighters were in one big brawl and the wizarding police had to be called in. The men came in with shields and asked them all to line up against the walls, everyone except Narcissa did what they were told.

NARCISSA

Oh shit, it's cops, RUN DRACO

With this Narcissa ran for the door and when she got through, the alarms all went off, outside there were around 20 different Wizarding cops on police brooms circling the building, Narcissa ran for the fence as the police swooped down on her, she was halfway up the fence when all of the police managed to grab her from their brooms.

NARCISSA

... Oh bugger!

Cut scene to the police station interrogation room

NARCISSA

Look I told you she was ripping me off!

POLICEMAN 1

That's not what our fifty eyewitnesses say

Narcissa frowned

NARCISSA

Well what do they know, they weren't there!

Narcissa sipped her glass of water as if it was a shot of brandy.

NARCISSA

Look, can I please just use the t-e-l-e-p-o-n-i-e to call my husband Lucius?

POLICEMAN 1

Ugh, very well!

BACK AT MALFOY MANOR

The phone rings in the livingroom

LUCIUS

Uhh, huh? What

He wakes up to find he is lying in bed naked next to Dobby the house elf

LUCIUS

Oh shit!

End Credits