A note from the author: This literally makes no sense unless you've read the author's notes from my main story, Till Death Do You Part. So unless you've read those... yeah, I mean, probably don't even try to read this.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything from Norse Mythology or from Marvel, nor do I own any of the usernames mentioned. I only own Egil and Blaze and myself.
Egil was on edge. Something didn't seem right. For one thing, he was in complete darkness, for another this new place he'd found himself in was too quiet and the floor felt too squishy. The Bifrost must have sent him to the wrong place. That too keen Gatekeeper must have caught on to his schemes and sent him to some peculiar prison dimension. But, oddly, the air had a distinctive Midgard-smell that he remembered from his college days.
There was also the smell of delicious comfort food, dogs - big ones - and, somehow, a dragon. He sniffed the air again, but there was no mistaking the scents. He was on Midgard with a dragon nearby.
"Hello?" He called to the darkness. He didn't expect anyone to answer, but he did gather more information on his surroundings based off of how muffled everything sounded. The walls must be padded. Very padded, he found, when he took a few steps and his outstretched had brushed something plush.
"Egil TurdBlossom Belison," an ominous voice said and Egil felt a chill run up his spine. No one knew his middle name. His hateful father had given it to him and Egil had killed anyone who might have overheard that bit of information.
"Who are you?!" He demanded, blindly turning about the room.
There was no response, but a foreboding chuckle that Egil could feel resonate in his chest. His hand flew to his belt for any sort of weapon, but he was unarmed. He swallowed nervously until he remembered that he had magic.
Snapping his fingers, an orange ball of light flicked to life in his hands, but it quickly fizzled out with a hiss and a spark of purple. He gasped in shock and fear. A magic dampening spell had just been activated by someone who was clearly more powerful than he.
Slowly, lights came to life around him in the form of flashlights, lanterns, and fun nightlights with smiling kittens on them saying things like "hang in there" and "if you deny the feels, are they real?". There was a blinding light and when Egil could see again he caught sight of a lady, grinning at him as she wove spells. She wore a name tag that said "hello, my name is TheLadyBookworm" and she was accompanied by another mage (armed to the teeth and sipping a hot beverage) who bore a similar tag declaring "hello, my name is MetallicarBaby".
With the lights turned on Egil could see that he was in a room constructed entirely out of pillows and blankets. There was a connecting doorway that had a few plastic, colorful balls leaking out and it seemed as if there was a ball pit beyond where a few people peeked their heads above the balls like merfolk observing from the ocean.
The smell of dogs was coming from a whole pack of wolves, who were barely held back from lunging at him by a young woman with a tag declaring her to be Cheetah Lover. One of the wolves wore fireproof armor and looked the most eager to get its jaws around Egil's throat.
The smell of dragon was more concerning because the pillow room was also occupied by a scaly beast who was calmly blowing smoke rings. The smoke rings began to look an awful lot like nooses and Egil's hand went to his neck nervously. The dragon winked and stooped low to allow someone called Kaikitty165 to feed it raw, bloody meat. The dragon's keeper was labeled as darkangelynn5 and the keeper looked as ready as the wolves to attack Egil.
There was a table off to one side of the room that reminded the man of an illustration from Lewis Caroll's Alice in Wonderland, particularly of the Mad Hatter's tea party, but with squishier chairs and an assortment of plush animals (who may or may not have been stained by tears). The table was laden with all sorts of nice things to eat: soup, brownies, ice cream, several flavors of popcorn, coffee, tea, cookies, and mountains of chocolate. A few more people sat round the table, glaring at him as they filled their faces with the treats. One ran a finger across her throat and winked, taking a swig from a wine bottle. Her name tag read yellowroseofthenw.
"Who are all of you?" Egil demanded, trying to put on a brave face, "I want to know who you are and where I am! Now!"
There were eery chuckles all throughout the room and one of those ball pit merfolk rose from the depths, dropping colorful spheres. The name tag declared this person to be ferbette, with a note scribbled underneath the name that said "Fort Founder".
"You want to know where you are, Belison?"
"Y-yes. Yes. I do. Tell me, peasant!"
"Peasant?" ferbette chuckled, "I wouldn't insult us, Belison. Unless you want to end up in the belly of the dragon!"
"You wouldn't dare," Egil narrowed his eyes, "Odin wouldn't let you-"
"Odin?!" ferbette hooted in amusement, "We don't play by Odin's rules here. If he weren't a canon character we'd take him down too."
Egil caught sight of a line of archery targets behind ferbette. One target had his face, another Drin Tyrson's, and the third had Odin's face with an arrow right through the good eye.
"You disgusting bunch of chocolate hoarders! Tell me where I am!"
Bang!
A shot rang out and next thing Egil knew, his man bun had flown off his head and what remained of his hair fluttered in an unflattering cut. He nervously looked in the direction of the shot and found a box by the dragon with a shotgun barrel poking out of it. A somewhat squirrely form rose from the box, gun trained on Egil. This young woman's name tag read Ninja Squirrel. Never had Egil feared the word "squirrel" more.
"Best watch your tongue around here, you lumbering loser. Your barbarous face isn't fit to be seen by those who wish to maintain any sort of healthy appetite. If you don't control your wagging tongue and its taunting tones I will be tempted to blow it off to kingdom come!"
Egil winced as Ninja Squirrel took a bite of chocolate.
"Please tell me where I am," he tried.
"That's better," Ninja Squirrel nodded, but didn't lower her weapon.
"It would seem that the gods of war deemed it suitable to dump you right into our waiting laps," MetallicarBaby said, "And, you cur, we'll make you weep for your mother and rue the day you came to existence!"
"But, why?"
"Welcome," TheLadyBookworm sneered, "To the Pillow Fort of Denial."
Egil's face lost all color and he backed up in horror until he bumped into someone with the name of xlokiswolfx, who had an arrow pointed at him in a flash. Egil stepped away again and nearly ran into the wolves and Cheetah Lover. Everywhere he turned there were angry people, angry animals, and menacing smiles.
"No, no, no!" He gasped, "Blaze warned me about you people! You're crazy! You attacked her with pillows and acorns!"
"Oh hey!" Ninja Squirrel grinned, "That was me! So glad to leave an impression!"
"You people are monsters! Waiting in the dark for my demise!"
"You betcha, bud!" Ninja Squirrel chuckled, "And today's my birthday, so guess what?"
"No!"
"It's time for your demise!"
"No, you can't! I'm still needed for the story!" Egil tried to convince the crowd as they closed in on him, all of them practically foaming at the mouths, "If you kill me then the story can never end properly and you'll never be satisfied!"
"Actually," a new voice called, "Today that's not entirely true."
Egil slowly turned to the tunnel entrance of the fort and felt his knees give out. Standing before him was none other than SnowGlobeQueen, twirling her authorial scepter (which looked an awful lot like a pen) and wearing a crown that had "sorry not sorry" spelled out in blue, icy gems.
"No!" Egil pointed at her, "No, Blaze said you weren't allowed in here! You can't come into the pillow fort until you give a 'happy ending'! And the story isn't over yet and we don't know the ending so you can't come in!"
"As today is Ninja Squirrel's birthday, ferbette has very kindly turned off the marshmallow cannons out front and allowed me access so that I can ensure you meet your end, Egil TurdBlossom Belison."
"But! The story!"
"It is true that you are still needed for the tale to come to the final chapter," SnowGlobeQueen smiled icily at him, "But we aren't in the story right now, are we?"
"W-what do you mean?"
"In the Pillow Fort of Denial, anything can be denied. I shall simply let them do anything they want to you - castration seems to be a popular idea at the moment, and I'm told xlokiswolfx has the skills to do so - and when they have doled out their justice I will simply deny your death and you'll be well enough to go back to the story… where there are some other surprises waiting for you."
"You can't just let them-"
"I AM THE AUTHOR, I DO AS I PLEASE," SnowGlobeQueen thundered, waking up Ceres Friggadottir, who'd been napping in a pile of pillows. Ceres blinked blearily, threw a dagger at Egil (it got stuck in his foot) and went back to sleep.
"Please, I beg of you!"
"Have at him, my friends," SnowGlobeQueen turned her thumb downward like an empress of Rome and then the carnage began.
The reviewers and readers all charged Egil in a well practiced formation and began the joyful process of ripping him to shreds. TheLadyBookworm had gotten hold of Maisy's fire poker and was waving it menacingly.
"Stand clear! I want to shove this up his Muspel-heiny!"
"Not until I use my icicle to castrate him!" Ninja Squirrel giggled gleefully.
"I thought I got to castrate him!" xlokiswolfx argued, "I've been practicing and you already got to shoot off his hair!"
"Okay, fine, you castrate him, I'll stab him a few times!"
The dragon was released by darkangelynn5 and started snapping and blowing fire, yellowroseofthenw stomped on Egil's face when he was knocked to the ground, MetallicarBaby was having a tough time deciding which weapon to use first, Kaikitty165 was cheering them on and snacking on chocolate, ferbette and xlokiswolfx fired a torrent of arrows at him, and Ceres Friggadottir woke up and punched Egil in his already battered face.
Then, just as Egil thought he couldn't take any more, Ninja Squirrel, while wearing a birthday hat, mounted the dragon and shouted at the top of her lungs:
"TO THE BRIDGE!"
Egil found himself being carried along the Rainbow Bridge, though he had no idea how since he'd been in the fort a moment previous. Perhaps there was a portal or that blasted SnowGlobeQueen had simply written them there.
The raging mob took him to the edge of the bridge, overlooking the void of space and an eternal drop that Egil knew he wouldn't survive with this many wounds. Then Ninja Squirrel held up a fork to get them to stop. The fork had birthday cake on it (kindly provided by Ceres Friggadottir) and slices of the desert were making their way through the reviewers. When everyone had cake ferbette stepped forward and glared down at Egil, who was trembling at the edge of the bridge.
"You know, Belison, we might give you a second chance. We just need you to leave Maisy and Loki alone and never come back. We get that you are cursed and everything, but just because you love her doesn't mean she loves you back."
"She will."
"That's not what we like to hear. Tell us you'll leave her alone and we'll let you go to Character Protection."
"Really?"
"We're hopped up on cake, we're all in a good mood. We might be able to let you live if you say the right words."
"Right, right, of course!" Egil's eyes shifted back and forth, "Of course! I'll leave Maisy alone forever! I only want her to be happy and apparently that can't be with me right now. I will leave her alone forever! You have my word!"
"I never liked a man who gave his word with the intention of breaking it," a cool voice said from the back of the crowd. All heads turned to see the Trickster himself swaggering toward them, knife twirling in his hand and his signature monstrous grin on his face, "You're lying Belison."
Everyone cheered and Ninja Squirrel offered him a piece of cake. Loki took it with a polite nod and savored every bite of it, with each mouthful getting closer to Egil until his boots were in the other man's face (as Egil was too weak to stand and was laying on his belly). When Loki was that close, he rounded up the last delicious crumbs on his plate, licked the fork with satisfaction, and sneered, stooping low.
"They might be willing to spare you and use you as a festive piñata later," Loki grabbed Egil's face roughly, "But I'm not."
Without much pomp or ceremony, Loki's fork became his dagger once more and he drove it into Egil's heart. When the light left the villain's eyes Loki kicked his corpse off the Bridge and it tumbled into eternity.
A wild cheer went up through the crowd and music started playing as they all partied their way back to the Pillow Fort of Denial. War cries of triumph were heard through the night as the party continued and both Ninja Squirrel's birthday and Egil's temporary demise were celebrated vigorously. SnowGlobeQueen was even allowed to stay and play with Cheetah Lover's wolves and darkangelynn5's dragon. Plus there was a lot of food to be consumed, with plenty of stores left for the upcoming winter of feels. There were even life size Egil dummies to beat up.
"Happy birthday, Ninja Squirrel," SnowGlobeQueen toasted the reviewer with a mug of hot chocolate that she'd brought for the occasion, "Sorry Egil's death is only in this non-canon one shot so far."
"Don't worry," Loki smiled, "What actually happens to Egil is- mmmm mm hmm!"
SnowGlobeQueen covered his mouth with a gracious smile and stomped on his foot. That was the last time she let Loki proofread her writing if he was just going to go and spoil it. When she thought it was safe she removed her hand.
"And wait until you read the sequel! In that one I get to- mm mmm hmm hmm!"
"Here, eat some more cake," SnowGlobeQueen stuffed his face with cake so that he couldn't speak anymore. The party resumed and everyone was having fun. Someone conjured a piñata shaped like Egil - and another like Blaze - and then the party games really got started.
Eventually though, they kicked SnowGlobeQueen out because they were all still peeved about all of the angst she'd been putting them through.
"Fine! But if I'm going, I'm taking him with me!" She grabbed Loki and pulled him along as she was escorted out of the fort, "But you guys promised that when I stop being mean to you I get to come hang out in the fort too!"
"Yeah, when you stop being mean!" ferbette hollered, "I don't know about you guys, but I smell a storm brewing. So get us to happiness soon and you'll be able to come back and play."
"If there's happiness," SnowGlobeQueen muttered.
"What was that?!" Everyone roared.
"Nothing, nothing," the author waved to them glumly and got back to work writing the sequel, "Wait until they read the rest! Humph! That'll show them!"
"I'm sorry, are you talking to me?" Loki asked.
"Huh, no," the author narrowed her eyes, "Hey, aren't you supposed to be at your wedding?"
"Maybe…"
SnowGlobeQueen grabbed his ear and yanked him back into the story.
"I don't want to go!" Loki whined.
"Too bad! It's vital to the plot! You're going!"
"You never let me have any fun."
"Oh you just wait until the sequel…"
THE END
A note from the author: HAPPY BIRTHDAY NINJA SQUIRREL! And a MASSIVE thank you anyone who has ever reviewed my stories. You guys don't realize how happy it makes me to read your words of humor, kindness, and excitement so I tried to express my feelings in fic form.
If you are offended by my portrayal of you in any way, please, please, please let me know and I will take you out of the story if you so desire. My only intent was for this to be fun, so if it isn't fun for you, let me know and I will do my utmost to remedy it!
LOVE YOU ALL!
-SnowGlobeQueen