The Houses Competition
Prompt: Losing a child
House: Slytherin
Year: Prefect
Category: Short
Word Count: 1221
They say the feeling of losing a child is inexplicable. They say that a parent should never outlive their child. It's such a cliché, it's something that everyone thinks they understand. That you can relate even when you don't have a child, that you understand why, but you can't. You can never understand, that primal part that is awoken when you have a child, a different part of your soul all together is awoken, you become bonded to this new life in such a way that I cannot even begin to put it in words, it something that you fell but what I can tell you is this. I can tell you from the moment my son was born, the moment that I first had laid my eyes on him I wholeheartedly believed in that over used cliché. I could never see myself out living that beautiful baby.
My love for him, it knew no bounds even now I know that he will forever hold my heart. Even in death my love for him will not stop. I will mourn him in this hollow existence I find myself in. He is on the other side of the veil. A place where I cannot follow. He is out of my reach now and this pain I feel, this choking, miserable thing. It hurts more than any curse ever could.
I remember clearly the day he was born. He was perfect 10 little toes, ten little fingers and boasting a weight of 3oz and 8 ounces with an impressive height of 22 inches. Not even a day old and I was already feeling immense pride of beautiful son.
I became a very proud mother on the 31 July 1980 to one Harry Potter. I enjoyed the first few blissful months of motherhood that I had. I would give anything to have the sleepless nights back. The crying of my colic baby. Anything to have back the normal worry of a young mother but my life had always been thrown curve balls, and the birth of my son it seemed was no different. There's this prophecy about my baby one that has had James and I in hiding from before the birth of our son.
It wasn't not terrible, I had everything I needed in Godrics Hollow. My husband and my son. I could live with that for a while. I got to have so many first with my Harry.
The first day he opened his eyes. He had my eyes. I was in awe. I had never realized the depth of the connection one could have with their child but looking into my own eyes through the eyes of my son was mind blowing. He was magic. The magic that I used to pray for as a child, that unobtainable something. I found it in my son's eyes.
His first steps. I was so proud. He was walking albeit slowly, but he was walking at seven months! I wished so badly that day for a camera.
His first words. I am not ashamed to say that I cried, the 4th of August 1981, Harry had spoken his first words and Harry's first word was 'mama', I never understood the significance those two syllables could hold until Harry uttered them. That word had a power all its own.
Each of my son's milestones had my devotion for him grow. I didn't think it was possible, but it was. He was my world and he would remain my world even though he was so far out of my reach.
My baby had given me the best moments in the two decades that I have been on this earth. He made everything worth it, all the tears that I had cried all the heart ache I had felt was all worth it when I realized he was mine. My most precious love. It was the happiest one and a half years of my life.
With the war raging and all the death, the anxiety that came from what was to come all disappeared when I looked at his face. Looking at him I felt that everything would be okay, that we could one day live normally and be happy family.
That dream I had all came to an end on the 31st October 1981. Voldemort had found us. I couldn't even feel the sting of Peter's betrayal. I don't think James did either.
"Lily, take Harry!"
I knew what he wanted me to do. Take Harry and run. One was better than none. I didn't have time to feel any sort of grief, that I was about to lose my husband. All my thoughts were on Harry.
He could not have him. I would not allow Voldemort to have him.
I ran. James' broom was in our bedroom, the floo was blocked and so was apparition. We would make it. I would not allow that monster to kill my baby.
I felt that fear then, the one you feel when you believe you're going to outlive your child. It was almost crippling. I wish I'd never felt that. That crucial moment changed everything. I can't help but wonder if I had not paused, maybe we could have gotten away. Maybe just, maybe I would have been able to raise my son.
The cruciatus curse hit me in that moment, where I faulted for just a second. I could feel the pain rip through me, but I didn't feel it. I knew I was screaming but it was not out of the agony of pain, no it was out of knowing I was going to lose my son. I begged and I pleaded.
"Not Harry!" I cried. It was futile, Voldemort was unforgiving I knew and yet still I tried. I foolishly hoped some small part of him was human enough to show mercy. It was foolish, but I was a desperate mother.
When the green light of killing curse sailed toward me though. I felt a very different kind of pain. Everyone says a child should not die before their parents. I was going to live through something much worse in those last few moments of my life. The worst kind of pain.
I was leaving my child, however unwanted it was I was. I was leaving Harry. I was losing my child, my chance to be a mother but that was not as terrible as my instant realization. He was going to die.
Yes, I was leaving him an orphan for not even a minute, but I couldn't protect him wasn't that my job? Wasn't that what I was? Was it not my duty to protect and love my child?
That moment before the Killing curse hit me, I felt defiance rise. I stood my ground I would protect my child even in death, he would not die today.
I thought that dying by that green light would be cold and painful, but it was not. It was warm and peaceful. I was at peace because I knew. I knew that my son would live. He would not die today. Not like me, he would live.
I was losing my child in death, and he was losing his mother in life. He would be an orphan, but he'd be alive.
Mummy loves you, Harry. Always….