Author's Note: This story takes place in the same AU as several of my other stories. I recommend reading them first, in this order: Ask Me, Uncharted Territory, The Surprise. This story can stand alone if you want, but it's better as a companion piece. Thank you to everyone who reads & reviews my stories! This scene was painful to write and I can imagine will be painful for the reader. I have read a lot of stories where Nicky has her shit together and she is the pillar in their relationship, but based on what we know about her from the show she has a deep struggle with depression outside of her drug abuse. I wanted to write about how this can be hard on a relationship, even one as strong as hers and Lorna's.
Low
The apartment building was silent as Lorna made her way up the stairs. She was sore from a long day at work, and was looking forward to a hot bath and some sleep. She fully expected Nicky to be long asleep, considering the lateness of the hour. But when she turned the key and opened their front door, Lorna immediately knew something was wrong as the stench of cigarette smoke overwhelmed her senses. Nicky had quit smoking over a year ago and hadn't looked back, so Lorna had to wonder what could possibly have prompted her to start up again.
She didn't have to look far to find Nicky. She sat in the dark on the couch in their living area. Lorna turned a few lights on and saw that Nicky had a bottle of whiskey in one hand and a cigarette in the other. She stared at the television screen, even though it was turned off, with a blank look on her face. Lorna took in the rest of the surroundings and noted that the apartment was completely trashed. There were papers everywhere, all the drawers in the kitchen were open, and someone had ripped almost all of the books off the bookshelves.
"Nicky, what's going on? Have we been robbed?" Lorna checked the bedroom and saw their clothing everywhere and that her jewelry box had been turned upside down, but nothing seemed to be missing. Walking back to the living area, she now felt incredibly concerned.
"Nicky?"
Nicky looked up at her briefly as though she had just noticed her presence and then returned her attention to her cigarette and the television.
"Yeah."
"What happened? Were we robbed?"
Nicky shook her head.
"So why does it look like a hurricane hit our apartment?"
Nicky shrugged, still staring at the idle television to avoid looking Lorna in the eye. "I was looking for something."
Lorna perched on the edge of the couch and sighed. "What were you looking for, Nicky?"
Nicky didn't answer her, only continued to drink her whiskey straight from the bottle, and Lorna didn't even need her to answer to know exactly what Nicky was looking for. The ransacked apartment, the renewed vice of smoking, and finding her stewing in the darkness - this was classic junkie behavior. She thought Nicky's heroin addiction had left them alone for good, but she should have known life is never so simple. Lorna knew that on some level Nicky would struggle with this battle her entire life, but she had been doing so well for the last few years that she had lulled herself into believing this was behind them.
"Better question - why were you looking?"
"It doesn't matter. I didn't find anything, alright?"
"It matters to me. What made you go looking? You should've called me if you felt like using."
"I won't go looking again. Just drop it, Lorna."
Nicky took a swig from her whiskey bottle. Judging by Nicky's behavior and the nearly empty bottle, Lorna assessed that Nicky was fairly drunk.
"I'm going to make you some coffee, and then we can talk about it."
Nicky shook her head repeatedly as Lorna entered the kitchen and started the coffee. "I don't wanna talk about it."
"Well I do. Let's just back up a little, okay? How did your meetings go this afternoon?"
Nicky had the day off work today and had planned to meet with advisors at a few different law schools. After years of part-time classes while working full-time at Red's restaurant, Nicky finally had enough credits to apply to law school. Lorna wondered if perhaps her meetings didn't go well, and that's what made her so upset.
"I didn't go."
"What?" Lorna was shocked. "You've been preparing for these meetings for weeks. I know you were really looking forward to seeing a few different schools today."
Nicky only nodded glumly. She had started her day with all the best intentions of going to her meetings, as she had in fact been anticipating them with excitement. She had actually made an effort to tame her hair and dressed herself in a neat, all-black pantsuit just for the occasion. But she didn't make it to any of her meetings. She hazarded a guess that there would be no future meetings, either, as she had rudely not bothered to call and cancel any of them.
All thanks to her shitty, shitty, excuse for a father. Of all the days she could have an unanticipated meeting with him - why today? Was the universe just out to make her miserable? Even though they both lived in Manhattan, she could count on one hand the number of times she'd encountered him since the divorce. It might be a small world, but not small enough that Nicky and her father managed to avoid each other successfully for so long.
This afternoon, though, when Nicky crossed through the park on her way to her first meeting of the day, she had seen him. Of all the people she would expect to see running around the park with a couple of toddlers, Les Nichols was one of the last. But there he was, chasing a giggling young boy and girl while a young woman laughed and cheered them on. Nicky had stopped dead in her tracks, just staring disbelievingly at the sight in front of her. When the chase got too close for comfort, she had turned away hoping to leave without fanfare but it was too late. Les had seen her. He ran after her and tapped her on the shoulder.
"Nicky," he said, surprised.
"Sorry, I think you might have mistaken me for someone else," she growled.
He turned her around and laughed, pulling her into an unreciprocated hug.
"It is so good to see you! How are you?"
"I was doing quite well until just now, thank you very much."
"What's going on with you? I want to hear all about your life."
Nicky laughed. "You're not fucking serious right now, are you? You want to play chummy? You could have asked me that question years ago if you wanted me to be a part of your life. I haven't moved. Still in Marka's apartment after all these years. She doesn't care since it's all paid off and she doesn't use it. And it's not like I can afford to get my own place on a waitress's salary."
"You're a waitress? Where?"
Nicky laughed again, disbelieving how thick her father was being. "That's what you take away from what I just said? If you actually cared about me, you could've found me a long time ago. Goodbye, Les."
Nicky stormed off but Les persisted. "Wait! Let me introduce you to my family. They'd love to meet you."
Nicky raised her eyebrows. "Family?"
"Yeah - over there, that's my fiancee. And those are our kids. I should have arranged a meeting sooner! I've been meaning to catch up with you, really, Nicky."
"Your kids," Nicky whispered. She had assumed they were the woman's kids, a single mom in pursuit of her wealthy father. "You want to me to meet your kids, who you're playing with at the park with your fiancee. A meeting with your real family," she spat at him. "Fuck you, Les. Not once can I remember a time you played with me at the park. I thought you just weren't cut out for fatherhood, but apparently you just didn't want to be a father to me."
Les looked guiltily at her but did not apologize. "I was a different man then. I wasn't ready to be a father, to anyone."
"Well, you know what they say," Nicky huffed. "Ready or not, right?"
"Come on, I'm ready now. Come say hello, I'd love to take you to lunch."
Nicky didn't respond verbally, only made an obscene gesture at him and stormed off in the other direction. This time, he didn't follow. Nicky blew off her afternoon schedule and instead spiraled downward into the mess she now found herself in, drunk in her kitchen and too depressed to talk about what brought her there.
"Why didn't you go to your meetings, Nicky?" Lorna's question snapped her back to the present.
"I said I don't wanna talk about it!" Nicky felt her temper rise. "Drop it!"
"You might not want to talk but you obviously need to. If you won't talk to me that's fine but you have to talk to someone."
Nicky shook her head and stood up, finally meeting Lorna's concerned eyes with her rage-filled ones.
"I think we should call Red," Lorna declared.
"I don't want to talk about it!" Nicky seethed internally and hissed the words angrily at Lorna.
Lorna backed towards the phone and fumbled for it while keeping her eyes on Nicky. "You're scaring me. I'm calling Red."
"Don't fucking call Red!" Nicky shouted at her and threw her whiskey bottle across the room. It shattered against the wall next to Lorna's head, missing her by inches.
Lorna screamed and dropped the phone. Nicky immediately regretted her actions and rushed towards Lorna. She wrapped her arms around her and began to cry.
"I'm sorry, baby, I'm sorry."
Lorna, crying silently and shaking in Nicky's grasp, let out her breath and pushed Nicky away from her. Nicky wiped her face and continued to utter slurred apologies.
Trembling, Lorna tried to push her away again. Nicky sobbed and dropped to her knees. She buried her face into Lorna's skirt and embraced her legs.
"I'm so sorry. I love you, baby, I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it."
Lorna remained still against Nicky's touch, unwilling to forgive her so easily. Nicky tugged down her skirt and panties, ignoring Lorna's body language, and began planting sloppy kisses around her center. Lorna shivered but not in the way she was used to; far from aroused, Lorna only felt fear and discomfort. She pushed Nicky away, harder, and shook her head.
"No, Nicky."
Nicky started sobbing again and kissed down Lorna's legs. "Please, baby. Please let me make it up to you."
She continued to kiss her way back up Lorna's thighs but Lorna refused her entry, keeping her legs shut tight. "Not like this. You're drunk and you're scaring me."
Nicky ignored her again and licked at her folds, using her hands to wrench Lorna's legs apart forcibly. Lorna kicked her to the floor.
"Nicky, I said no!"
Nicky looked up at her and saw the fear in her eyes for the first time that evening - or ever. She recoiled and began backing away. She had never seen Lorna afraid of her before. She felt sick, and she ran to the bathroom to vomit. Maybe this was coming anyway, because she had drank so much that evening, but she was mainly vomiting from disgust with herself. Lorna met her in the bathroom and held back her hair. Lorna's kindness and devotion to care for her even after how Nicky had treated her just now made her feel even sicker. She purged until she had nothing left to give but bile-ridden saliva and salty tears. Lorna combed her hair into a bun and wiped her mouth with a damp cloth. She helped her to her feet and brought Nicky to bed.
"I don't deserve this. I don't deserve you," Nicky whispered. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry."
"Shh, shh. Go to sleep." Lorna lay Nicky's head in her lap and stroked her forehead until she fell asleep at last.
The next morning, Nicky woke up alone feeling sick to her stomach with shame and guilt over her behavior. She took a shower and brushed her teeth, attempting to cleanse herself from the demons of yesterday. She went to the kitchen and found Lorna sipping her coffee at the counter, facing away from her. She had laid out coffee and a croissant for Nicky at the table, making it clear that she did not intend for Nicky to join her at the counter. Nicky sat, feeling disgusted with herself, and noticed that Lorna had also laid out the local NA information sheet they kept on the fridge. Nicky hadn't been to an NA meeting in years, but they left the flier up as a safety net.
"Lorna, I-"
Lorna cut her off before she could begin. "Go to a meeting, Nicky."
She turned around and looked Nicky in the eye seriously. Nicky bit her lip and a few tears fell. She felt so ashamed. Even though she hadn't used, she still felt she had failed her sobriety just by looking for a high and getting drunk enough to treat Lorna so poorly. She knew she needed to go to a meeting and work through all her shit. Even when she had quit smoking she hadn't gotten this depressed that she needed to go to an NA meeting. She was able to work through it on her own, with a little help from her friends. Fucking Les just had to turn up and send her into a regression. She couldn't blame him for everything, though. He might have been the reason she wanted to use again, the reason she drank too much, the reason she felt so depressed and utterly worthless, but there was absolutely no excuse for how she behaved towards Lorna yesterday. She had to hold herself accountable for her own actions, and knew she couldn't recover from this setback by herself. She resigned herself that she would have to go to a meeting. Lorna called her name as Nicky stared vacantly ahead of her.
"Nicky?"
"Yeah."
"Go to a meeting."
"Yeah."