Hot Wreck

Bipolar-

ADJECTIVE:

1. Having or relating to two poles or extremities.

-Simply put: disease

"I hate you."

"Oh yeah, like other schools have improv classes with barefoot teachers and nerds with puppets and bipolar cats and mean girls who make you bark like a dog."

"I swear sometimes it's like she's bipolar."

"Didn't you mention once she's bipolar?"

"Do you think she ever...crashes?"

"Does she usually do that or is she just bipolar?"

"Her little catchphrase? 'What's that supposed to mean?' Yeah, that's just what she says when she's having a little bipolar meltdown."

"She's cute...but I don't get how anyone could handle all of her episodes."

"You know, I feel bad for her. The whispers in the hallways, the stares she gets, and she doesn't even notice it. Does she even know that she acts like she's bipolar?"

"Just to warn you so you don't freak out when you meet her, she's mentally insane."

"She's just an attention whore. We all know she's not really bipolar. She should stop pretending to be. It's offensive."

"Go on medication. Just a suggestion."

Was that how they really felt? People in the school were always prone to gossiping about her, but she thought her friends would never do that. Because that's what they were supposed to be. Friends. But here she was, hearing about all the nasty and snide comments that were made about her behind her back by her said, "friends." It wasn't fair.

Bipolar disorder was a disease. It wasn't her fault. She didn't choose to be it. She didn't choose to have to take medication for the rest of her life. She didn't choose any of it, but everyone acted like she did. When she walked down the hallway to class, she heard snickers and giggles, and even got a few glances full of sympathy.

"There goes that slut you were telling me about. Does she really crave that much attention that she acts like she has a mental problem? Pathetic."

"See that girl with the stupid dyed hair? Yeah? Tori told me all about her. You have to listen to this..."

Eventually she had learned to drown all of it out and ignore it. Maybe sing a song in her head to keep from overhearing the particularly loud remarks made about her. But even though she had learned to just focus on getting class without listening to everyone, she couldn't help but hear some of it. Some of the hate thrown her way by people that she had grown up with, but the worst were the spiteful comments made by people she didn't even know. Had never even met before. They didn't even know her, but judged her like there was no tomorrow.

The abhorrence for her piled higher and higher each day. She was the topic of everyone's gossip. The number one most disliked student at Hollywood Arts. They even had a list made by an anonymous peer. She wondered if she even knew him too. Probably not.

"In other news, Caterina Valentine has reached the top position of H.A.'s Most Unwanted for her fourth consecutive time since the start of the school year! Word has it that she hooked up with..."

"Caterina Valentine makes a new record in H.A.'s Most Unwanted history! Congratulations to her for her seventh win this semester! We will be awarding Caterina with a surprise. She can expect to find it tomorrow morning in her locker. Want to know what it is? We'll update later..."

They don't understand. None of them do. They don't know what happens when she goes home. They don't know how much they can make her hate herself. When she crashes and burns, and she enters her depressive episode. She's so scared of herself when that happens. She's so scared that she'll hurt herself because she can't control herself and control the amount of loathe she feels for herself. One day she fears she'll start an episode, but never finish it. She's worried that she'll take every word someone has said about her to heart and she'll injure herself. She's so scared. So, so, so scared. And all she wants is her mommy, but all her mommy does is give her medication and a pat on the back.

"On a scale of one to ten, how fucked up is Caterina?...Ten? I think so too."

"We only make fun of her because she deserves it. She literally asks for it."

"One day do you think she'll become delusional? Or is she already? Good one, right?"

Good one, right? No. No it wasn't. It made her want to cry, but she can't. At least not when she's in one of her manic episodes where she just keeps going and going until she hits a wall. Hard. And then she'll break and shatter like glass. But when she's feeling high and elated, their words don't hurt her as much. Leaves less of a scar. She likes having those episodes and that's why sometimes she maybe purposefully skips on taking her medicine. She loves how confident she can feel and how she can go for days without sleeping. Occasionally she delves into drugs and alcohol when she's this high on excitement, and that makes it all the more fun. Even though during these manic episodes people hate her the most, she loves herself the most. She loves loving herself. She forgets about how everyone dislikes her temporarily and she feels good about herself. For once. She feels like no one can take that away from her.

Except that, it does get whisked away from her grasp and suddenly the low starts and she falls into a lull. Depression settles in and she'll try to stabilize her emotions and feelings with her medication, but when it doesn't wield the result she so craves, she overdoses on it, wanting it to help her. Willing it to.

"Do you think she does drugs?"

"I heard that she'll randomly call one of her 'friends' up late at night and just talk really fast. Bipolar much?"

"Today's question of the day: Caterina Valentine: Substance abuse or severe bipolar issues? Vote or leave a comment below and..."

"QuestionofDay I think both! Shes just sooo messed up!"

In a high school with rising celebrities, there was always bound to be drama and hurtful gossip, but she had never expected anything like this. And how the teachers never found out, she never knew. She was always tempted to tell them, but cruel, vicious words stopped her from ever spilling.

"Don't be a tattle-tale. They rot in hell. Not that you won't already be going there."

She didn't want to rot in any sort of hell, so she kept quiet, trying to deal with all the pressure. All the things that sliced her open and cut her and wounded her. Nothing was more painful than the betrayal of her friends, though. It was like she had been slapped. No. Worse than that. Stabbed, over and over again while she screamed and pleaded for it to stop, but it would never go away. Not unless she stopped her medication and entered her manic episodes.

"I love Cat, but honestly, sometimes I just can't deal with her. It's like, go away! I already have Trina to deal with. Cat's just to much to take on top of it all." Thanks Tori. That said a lot about their friendship. Just adding the 'I love Cat' doesn't make it okay to talk behind her back. She may have appeared strong, but inside her heart was breaking into a million little pieces and there was no one there to help her tape them back together. She was afraid that she wouldn't be able to fix it and put it all back where it had been, but eventually, she did it. Sort of.

Sometimes she'd ask to go to the therapist with her brother, but she always chickened out in the end, convincing herself that if they saw her, they'd say the same things everyone else did while she was gone. Like, "Oh that girl is just so wrong." Or maybe, "She definitely has more problems than anyone I've ever met." Even maybe the dreaded, "I don't want to help her. Actually, more like I can't help her."

She's scared of asking for help, even when she's on one of her manic highs.

"Did you know the other day she was spotted smoking?...You're telling me it's photo-shopped? No way. I don't believe that."

"I wonder if she sees somebody...You're right. They probably wouldn't be able to help her anyway. Not to be mean or anything."

"Lil' Red? Yeah, what about her?...Again? She needs to lay off those dudes. Even I think she sleeps around to much...They could just be rumors? Doubt it. One time she tried to get me in bed to...Yes I'm telling the truth! You shouldn't put anything past her ever." She never did those things to you Andre. Never did those things to anyone. They were rumors. They were blatant lies. And you confirmed them? Did you not get that that'll mean more crap will be said about her then? And to think she had thought you were one of the most reliable ones out of the group.

Her friends were slowly turning on her, her frighteningly joyful personality throwing them off along with the quick mood changes. One night she wished on a shooting star that they would see that she wasn't trying to scare anyone off or hurt anybody. For one day she wished that they could see the horrible pain she was going through.

There were some times, though, that she didn't really feel any pain, but more like nothing. Or maybe it was frustration. Or confusion. Those times were when she had one of her mixed affective episodes. Those were extremely rare, but during that she felt high and low at the same time. She felt creative but uninspired. Unable to stop the flow of thoughts streaming through her head and the disappointment in herself that she couldn't remain on one topic. Sometimes the feelings evened out and she felt sort of dead on the inside. Like a zombie.

"The way she talks creeps me out. She can never stay on one topic."

"God, I hate her. I fucking hate her. Stole my boyfriend...Yes, they've talked before...Don't believe me? Look, I know I'm not one to always be honest, but you're seriously going to believe her over me?...That's what I thought."

It was times like those where she just wanted someone to hold and tell her everything was going to be okay. Where she begged with her daddy to hold her on his lap like he did when she was younger. But he told her she was to old for stuff like that and needed to act more mature. "Did you take your medicine?" he'd say, then open up his newspaper and call her brother over to look at a cool ad for a mountain in Colorado where they could go snow boarding. She wished she was good at snow boarding. Or just at sports in general so then maybe her daddy would hold her? Maybe if she was good at sports he would like her more? She doubted it because her daddy was more distance than other daddies she had met. Her mommy said her daddy was always like that. But no one ever really had an answer for her when she asked why her brother was treated more specially than her.

"Yeah she has family problems...How do I know? Someone told me stupid...Sure, I'll tell you some of things that's wrong with her and her family. Apparently, she hates her dad and mom and always rebels against them or something. That's what I heard. I also heard that one time her brother tried to help her, but she beat him up and now they don't even talk." Robbie? You to? He was always one for peer pressure and it turned out he was paid to say that. He sold her out for money. That night she went home and tried something she never had before. She banged her head against her wall, knocking herself out cold in an attempt to stop the tears. To stop the hurting she felt in her heart which had been broken again. The tape had worn down and it was falling apart all over again so she had to stitch it back up again. All by herself.

She was a hot mess. A train wreck. A hot wreck. Soon her emotional highs started to get better and better, but then her emotional lows got worse and worse. She had stopped taking medication all together, hoping for a rush of empowerment from her manic episodes. She needed them to live. Without them she couldn't deal with the pain of the bullying. The pain of everything. But then came the hallucinations. She would see her ex-friends talking and one of them would wave her over, but when she got over there, there was no one standing there. Sometimes she would swear her stuffed giraffe was moving. Other times she got messages. Messages like she was the chosen one, ready to save the world.

At first she could recognize when the hallucinations were hallucinations, but soon they sort of started to blend in with the real world and she would be talking to someone, but from every other sane person's eyes, she was talking to herself.

"I knew it. I win the bet. She did go crazy after all. Wanna make a new bet?...Okay, let's do...umm...How long till she cuts herself?...Good? Cool. Thirty bucks it happens in the next week."

"So I heard her mumbling the other day about having to save the world from animals. Strange right? She's so fucking weird. Sometimes I wonder if it's contagious."

"HEADLINE: CATERINA VALENTINE WILL SAVE THE WORLD! Just kidding, but no, seriously guys, she thinks she will. So why not go up and ask her how? Let's get the full story! Everyone must help pitch in to get this breathtaking story sorted out! In all actuality though, it's pretty fucking sad that she's mentally insane and she doesn't even know it. At the same time, it's kind of hilarious if I do..."

She didn't think it was so funny. It hurt her. A lot more than anyone seemed to imagine. At least, only when she was depressed. When she was high on life, she thought it actually was hilarious. Actually, she thought everything was hilarious. Even self-mutilation she would have laughed at. And did so as she cut herself, carving a small precious heart into the tanned skin of her arm.

"Friends with her? Um, no...Yes, I did use to hang out with her...No, I'm not aware of anything she does anymore...No, I can't get you in touch with her and I won't...No! I'm not on her side! Get away from me!...I'm not telling you!...Fine, if I do, then leave me alone. Forever...Alright. We had a falling out a while ago before she went completely insane. When I was with Jade, she tried to...Well...Yes, I do know for a matter of fact that she's gay...Kind of. I think she did try to steal Jade away." Lies! She did no such thing! She was not in love with girls! Rumors! Lies! Wrong! You should feel horrible about yourself! Look at her; she's crying in her room, sobbing into her hands while everyone else is asleep. She's praying that there's a way out of this torture. She's waiting to enter into her manic episodes which always leave her high and dry, devoid of any happiness. This is where everyone has driven her. To a state where she thinks the most unhealthy things are actually healthy. Are actually what she wants.

She cuts herself more after the mini webisode aired.

"NEWSFLASH: Caterina is now a cutter! Numerous accounts have been filed of her seen with little hearts cut into her flesh and little scars running up and down her legs and arms. You're so messed up Caterina, why if I had a nickel for every..."

"Did you see that? Look, there's the peace symbol carved into her shoulder. You can see it when her t-shirt falls off her shoulder...That's just so wrong. I don't get how anyone could be so insane that they'd do that."

"So you know about how she thinks the world will end in forty days? Well apparently she's gathering a bunch of lethal stuff in her bedroom preparing for an attack. So screwed up."

Tick, tock. Tick, tock. The world is a ticking bomb for her now and even when she's having her manic episodes she's panicking. She doesn't know what to do anymore except to cut more symbols into her skin. She loves the way they feel when she runs over her hands over them. They're like a tattoo, scarring and there for almost forever.

Sometimes she wonders vaguely if she should try one last time to get help, but always pushes it off. She's better this way. Sure, she feels like she's going out of her mind, but it's better than one more person thinking of her like some screwed up thing that can never be repaired. She knows nothing will help anymore. Not even Jade. The last person to fall to the chain of dominoes. It had only been a matter of time until she fell over to, succumbing to lies and deceit.

"Leave me be...No I don't want to talk about her...Why not? Because I'm pretty sure you don't want your face to be scarred for the rest of your life...Go away!...No, what? That's not true! What are you talking about?...She says that about me?...Well fuck her!...You want my thoughts on her? Fine, here they are. Cat is a fucked up, screwed up, hot wreck of a person. She tried to bring me down her little trail of crazy along with her and she tried to get me to do things I would never in a million years do. She's a horrible person...Do I believe that?...Yes, I have said that...Yes, I still stand by it...Repeat it? Why?...Alright. I wonder when she's going to get so delusional that she's going to kill herself...No, I don't wish death on her...A little bit maybe...Fuck off." Cat cried that day. And the next. And even the next one after that. She didn't get why Jade had suddenly turned on her, but she did. And now there was no one to stand by her and help her.

Her heart was thrown on the ground once again and stepped on, the stitches ripped out, something that had seemed so impossible. It broke into a billion different pieces and even though for a while she attempted to fix it, to repair it, she never could. Her heart was broken, like a toy train that lost its wheel, except that she wouldn't get a new heart like the train would get new wheels.

And once she gave up on trying to fix her heart, she took her own life, unable to go through the daily chores of living anymore. It was a shameful act and it wasn't really her fault. It was everyone's who had ever poked fun at her for being bipolar. Ever made her cry as she sat alone at the lunch table. Ever said something under their breath when they thought she couldn't hear. They made a mistake about her. It wasn't her fault for acting this way.

As Caterina Valentine said, bipolar was a disease.

A disease that could kill if coupled with the right words. Really it had only took three words to start the end of Caterina. Just three little words.

"I hate you."

Author's Note: I researched bipolar disorder at length, but I'm like thick headed so I don't really understand things and I misinterpret things so I'm REALLY sorry if this isn't anything like bipolar disorder! But it's supposed to push the boundaries and be at the extreme. Anyway, I know this isn't anything like Cat, but I just wondered what it was like if she was severely suffering from bipolar disorder because they have mentioned twice she is bipolar.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed!