Betcha you guys didn't expect another comedy outta me! I was just bored and this idea popped into my head. So sue me, I'm not in the league of Red Chocobo, Chelsea and Casper or Mr. Emerid, but hey, thems the breaks!
Brock, Misty, Ash, Snap, Jessi and James are at Poketech High, attending a Home Eco. (Cooking) class.
MS. LACE; OK class today we will be baking a mud cake
MISTY; Ew! Dirt is bad for your intestines.
MS. LACE; Don't be so immature, I get that joke every week. If you don't like it you can cook pumpkin muffins and spinach phyllos.
MISTY; **shameful** Yes ma'am.
MS. LACE; OK Ash you can read out the ingredients.
ASH; Uh, um... two tabalasp cocoa
MS. LACE; Don't you mean tablespoons?
ASH; Uh yeah 4 Oz butter
MS. LACE; Ounces.
ASH; Yeah, them. One tesep vanilla essence.
MS. LACE; **Getting angry** I think you mean one teaspoon.
ASH; two eggs, two cups sir flour.
MS. LACE: **Angry** SELF RAISING flour. Anyway you kids'll be using baking soda and plain flour. 1 teaspoon of baking powder and two cups of flour.
ASH; Boiling water, six ozzes of sugar
MS. LACE; OUNCES! THEY ARE BLOODY FUCKING OUNCES!
ASH; Yeah...them.
MS. LACE; You can collect your ingredients now.
**The kids get up with plates and cups ready**
JAMES; Hey! Jessi stole my butter **swipes at her**
JESSI; forget about it butter boy, it's all mine now! **taunts James with it**
ASH; **sweetly** Misty, pal, can you get me six ozzes of sugar?
MISTY; **sweetly** Forget about it, dillweed.
BROCK; **fills two cups with flour** Ash, you need two cups.
ASH; I do, I've got Misty
MISTY; Oh you JERK **whallops him across the head with a tea towel**
MS. LACE; NO FLICKING TEA TOWELS!
ASH; It was a friendly joke Misty, and what so I need two cups of?
MISTY; **grins evilly** Baking soda.
ASH; **believes her** Thankyou!
SNAP; **drops an egg** Uh, I dropped an egg.
JESSI; Pity you haven't dropped your balls **giggles**
**Snap rushes at Jessi and Jessi throws an egg at his crotch**
JESSI; Oops, looks like you just did.
JAMES; You are disgusting. **Fills a cup with sugar**
BROCK; WATCH OUT!! **slips on an egg and his eggs go flying into Jessi's chest**
MISTY; Don't worry Jess, Brock'll lick it off for you.
JESSI; Don't be feral, you little hussy.
MS. LACE; DON'T WASTE THE EGGS!
**Everyone collects the rest of their ingredients in relative calm and goes and sits back down**
ASH; **reads to himself** Sift coco-aah and mix to a fine past-Eh with boiling water.
JESSI; OWWWW! I burnt myself **she has a big red mark on her arm**
MS. LACE; DON'T WASTE WATER!
BROCK; I put too much water in! **He has brown coloured water in the bottom of his bowl**
MISTY; How much too much?
BROCK; About two or three cups too much **he turns to Ms. Lace** can I get some new-
MS. LACE; NOOOO! DON'T WASTE WHAT YOU HAVE!
JAMES; **reads to the others** Add sufficient water to make 3/4 cup.
BROCK; I can't do that!
SNAP; Ya gotta do what the recipe says, or else you'll screw up.
JESSI; What the hell does that step mean anyhow?
ASH; Who cares? Just put in 3/4 cup of water anyway?
MISTY; That's not right, what it actually means is-
MS. LACE; DON'T WASTE AIR!
BROCK; The next step is let it cool. Blah, that takes too long.
JAMES; It only takes too long if you have three and three quarters worth of boiling water in it.
BROCK; I was just obeying the instructions. Does anybody want some of my water?
SNAP; Tip it under the bench.
BROCK; No way! YOU do it!
SNAP; **holds the bowl up for Brock to see** No need! Mines PERFECT!
BROCK; **knocks it onto the carpet** Not anymore!
SNAP; My Mixture...**kneels next to it and scoops it into his bowl**
MISTY; It's all hairy!
SNAP; So?
ASH; **cracks himself up** It's Hairy McLairy from Donnelson's Dairy!
JAMES; **chimes in** It's the Wild Grey Hairy Thing!
BROCK; Where the Wild Things Are!
JESSI; That is NOT funny!
SNAP; **makes his mixture talk** 'I am very funny, very funny indeed' **his speech gets very animated and the hairy chocolate paste slops onto Jessi's lap**
JESSI; EEEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!! **flicks it back to Snap**
SNAP; Hey it really did go 'Where the Wild Things Are' **cracks up and puts it back in his bowl**
MISTY; **reads loudly** CREAM MIXTURE AND ADD SUGAR AND VANILLA
MS. LACE; WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT WASTING AIR!
ASH; Lala la la lee aye **dumps his vanilla into the bowl**
BROCK; What are singing anyway? ** puts sugar and vanilla in his bowl**
ASH; An Italian opera.
MISTY; Are you sure it is Italian?
ASH; Lala la laly AIEE! **dumps sugar in his bowl**
JESSI; You changed the words! **mixes her dough furiously, which results in a glob hitting Ash in the side of the face**
ASH; More, more, more Cake'a'lay, for-or-or me-ee-ee! **sings as he puts wipes his face and puts it in his bowl**
SNAP; You are gross!
ASH; Pu-u-u-u uu-ut a so-ock-oo-lay in-n-n-n your mo-outh-o-lay
MISTY; Not only that but he cannot sing
BROCK; My mixture is starting to fill out...**holds up the liquid for everyone to see**
JAMES; It still looks like water
ASH; **still singing** It-it-it-oo-lay lo-oks like water-lay!
JESSI; Get that away from me!
MISTY; The next step is... Lightly beat the eggs.
ASH; **cracks his eggs open** Egg-egg-egg-egg o-lay
SNAP; ASH SHUT UP!
JESSI; Yeah! **beats her egg violently until it starts to fluff out of the container**
JAMES; WHOA! Nice egg **admires Jessi's foaming egg**
ASH; Egg-egg-egg-egg-o-lay
SNAP; OH NO! My eggshell just fell into the hairy mix!
ASH; Cr-ra-ra-runch-o-ay mix-ooo-ay!
JESSI; Can it Ash **shoves her egg foam into the bowl**
BROCK; Good idea Snap, the bulk of the eggshell will make my batter look thicker **Brock smashes the eggshells into powder and sprinkles them into his bowl**
SNAP; Ay-ay-ay! **puts his head in hands in embarrassment**
ASH; The ne-ext step-oo-lay is-is-is-oo-lay...
MISTY; **threatening** Be quiet Ash or I'll stuff Snap's Crunchy Hairy Batter down your throat! The next step is sift flour into the mixture.
JESSI; Screw that, I don't have a sieve **dumps all the flour into her bowl so it covers the egg**
ASH; Si-I-I-sieve-oo-lay **sings as he sifts his teaspoon of flour into the mixture**
MISTY; **grins evilly and adds** And sift in your teaspoon of baking powder.
ASH; Oh-oh-oh shit-oo-lay! **he has just finished mixing in two cups of baking soda**
SNAP; You have a bit much baking soda in that, Ash me boy!
ASH; Da-a-amn-oo right-a-lay.
MISTY; You won't be singing when your dough rises to be as big as this classroom! Mwahahahahahaha! **insane cackle**
BROCK; It'll be like in Gumby, when that girl made the bread with too much yeast or something and it came alive. **Ash tips Misty's baking powder into his bowl**
EVERYONE; Huh?
BROCK; Haven't you ever seen Gumby?
EVERYONE; Huh?
BROCK; You know, the green dude? You know? **sings** 'If you have a heart then Gumby is a part of you'
ASH; If-if-if-oo-lay you-oo-oo-oo-lay-
MISTY; **yells** OK WE GET THE POINT!
MS. LACE; STOP WASTING THE AIR OR I'LL REPORT YOU TO THE PRINCIPAL!
BROCK; My cake mix is super-sloppy
MISTY; It looks like a Growlithe pissed in it
BROCK; Thankyou for your support.
MS. LACE; Put your cake mix into these pre-prepared cake tins **hands one to everyone** and then set the gas ovens to medium heat.
**Everyone crowds around the two ovens while Snap and Misty light them, then they bake them for 30 minutes**
The results...
ASH- 0/10- Why? Because his cake was burnt to a crisp, and taller than Telstra Tower!
BROCK- 0/10- Why? Because his 'cake' had overflowed the tin and dripped everywhere!
MISTY- 0/10- Why? Because her cake was barely an inch high.
SNAP- 0/10- Why? There were bits of hair and eggshell all over it.
JESSI- 0/10- Why? Because she didn't mix her egg in properly and it stuck out of the top like a flag.
JAMES- 0/10- Why? No reason, but it was unfair to give him the score he deserved.
Watcha reckon? Should I stick with romance? Or do I have a possible future in comedy.
As for Ash's song it was a real one, that Toreador song that gets stuck in your head...
The recipe for this cake was entirely fictional, so I wouldn't go trying it out or anything like that.
Comments, emails blah blah blah would be gratefully appreciated!
Love,
Mew2 with an uncertain future