Chapter 1
Green Green Eyes
12-22-04
I know what Depression is. I know the different chemicals that cause it. I understand the meaning and I understand what it can do to a person. What it can cause you to feel the over bounding uncontrollable emotions that you cant control.
Yes, I know the definition; Depression is a mental state characterized by a pessimistic sense of inadequacy and a despondent lack of activity. Sad feelings of gloom or inadequacy.
Well that's the medical term of it. The point of the matter is that I am depressed. It's so simple, really. The chemicals in my brain are not correct. I'm not correct. But do you really think I care. Chemicals are not my emotions. I am who I am and if I am this way then I am this way for a reason.
Whatever.
Kami I'm stupid.
I know exactly why I feel the way I do, I even know a few ways that might fix myself. But when I really think about it they probably wouldn't even work on me. Something about being a hybrid sometimes cancels out medication. But then again I don't want to be 'fixed' my problems are a bit eccentric. I'm eccentric. It's definitely a hopeless case. Ha!
I don't think it would really change much though. And I really doubt that the way I am will change with medication. The way I think, I deserve it. If my body can't fix itself I don't want to fix it through any other way. Though I have to say the mood swings are hell, the voices no better.
I try my best to make sure no one learns about my special tendencies to be pissed nearly twenty-four seven. So I keep it to myself. Or try to. I'm all smiles to my mother, and I think I'm genuinely happy around my brother. For a little while at least. The rest barely see me and when I do see them, they're so easily fooled. Ass holes.
I think Piccolo knows something, but he's almost always been in tuned to me. I try hard to keep myself in check when I'm around him. But being bipolar and scitsofrenic sometimes you cant stop the anger or emotions, sometimes they well up within me and I cant stop the change, the explosion and the pleasure with it, and with me exploding can be quite literal. A very bright blonde explosion with maybe a twinge of green.
They don't know. Part of me says they wouldn't really care if they did. They would probably act like they cared out of there own human response to others problems. But deep down it's not really their problem to care about. It would only be a burden on them and it's my problem to keep from them.
Mom's way to preoccupied with being, well Mom. She's Son Chichi, what more really can I say. Obsessed with me being something that wasn't made for. And letting Goten who's having more of a childhood than I had in all of my 15 years live it up. I think she's trying to make up for Dad. Part of me hates her I accept that, but mostly I hate myself.
Dads another thing altogether. Kami just thinking about it makes my chest hurt. Makes me want to do something, to just stop the swelling in my chest. I'm so stupid. I've always been stupid. I hate my fucking life.
Whoa, ok, breath. See mood swings.
I'm way to close to Piccolo right now to get pissed. Well I'm already pissed but I just need to control my self. Hold it in build the wall. That impenetrable wall that no one can feel but me. Steel, Rock, concrete, and last but not least Ki, Power. In my mind. Surrounds me. Blocks all of them off. Keeps me alone. I almost wish I could lock the pain away like this. But no I'm alone in here, alone with only my anger, pain, grief, rage, and horror of who I am.
Wait I'm, wrong, so fucking wrong. He's in here with me. So I guess im not completely alone He's always with me now. Ever since I released him. He likes to mock me. I really don't want to go into who he is. Because in all reality, he is me.
He has a name though, I named him myself.
"What are you thinking about?"
My face jerks up and I stare into the eyes of my mentor. My first real friend. The wall with in me strengthens. Sudden anger tightens my chest. But I reveal nothing. My face is calm when I reply. Nothing of what I feel escapes.
"I'm just thinking about my schoolwork, Piccolo san." I scrunch my face up. "I guess I kinda got side tracked."
He looked me oddly for a while. His eyes were trying to drill into my soul. 'The soul you don't have.' That mocking voice inside the wall within me. 'Shut up Maro.'
'Your funny, really.'
I show nothing of the conflicting voice in my head. My pain. I'll deal with it. Piccolo blinks and its done the moment is over. "Don't let your mom get to you too much kid."
"Yes Piccolo san." I bow as he turns.
"I'll see you later Gohan."
He's gone with a sweep of his cape. My face slips. I can feel my smile fall completely off of my face. My pain. I will always deal with my own pain my own guilt. There was a soft chuckle in my mind.
'You can't always deal with me you know.' I turn away walking towards my house. It's at least five miles away. 'One day I will be free again.'
"And mess up like last time. Fuck that." I look next to me and there he is. Standing there next to me, his golden hair sticking straight in a more chopped up version of my own hair. Except for that one bang. It slid in front of Green eyes. Not teal like my first transformation. He was still wearing the same beat up Namekian outfit that I wore that day.
But no power came from this being. Because his power is mine.
We both stop and I look at him with cold eyes. "You're not getting out." He smirked at me.
'I'm already out, as you say.' He turns and looks around hair moving as if in the breeze.
Its my turn to smirk as I power up slightly "You'll never be free." It's kind of scary really I've been arguing and guiding myself on for nearly two years now.
He snarls at me. But its nothing I haven't seen or done before. The power is mine, mine alone. He cannot use it. Not now that I've closed myself off to him. My one last sane effort to contain the animal that killed my father two years ago.
I closed that power off. But he's still here. I have no doubt that Maro will drive me insane one day. That is if it hasn't already happened. Maro was the last of my real self-control. He is a power onto himself. I'm terrified of what he will do if let loose.
The funny thing about that is if he is let loose then that would probably mean I no longer exist. Fun to think about huh? I mean, I most likely would be nothing any more. There's only room for one of us in this body.
The thing is, I wasn't strong enough for the transformation. Mentally I mean. My body surpassed what I was mentally prepared for. So when Cell Killed 16 and I flipped out I broke myself. That's when Maro appeared in the form of SSJ2.
I've noticed lately while fighting with Piccolo that I'm nearing Maro's power level in stage one. Dose that mean that I am in control of everything. Mentally and physically. When I surpass his level will that create two of him? Another of me? I haven't been in stage two since Cell, I didn't think I could with Maro locked away. I want to find out and I don't. Yet another thing that scares me.
I'm such a fucking weakling. My gut coils and I spare a glance at Maro he's watching me with those eerily calm eyes. "Want to spar?"
I tendril out a small amount of ki. It's kind of like teasing a beast. His eyes flash and his muscles tense. I've never done this before I must be insane. My eyes flash. I don't care. I pull my shirt off, skin bare to the moonlight I'm well shaped for a teen but blame that on my continuous training.
Scars criss cross my upper arms some fresh some old, and only a few are from actual battles. They don't matter though. It's something to do when I'm bored and alone. Since I'm a Sayijen it's never really fulfilling when you know you could hurt so much more when you're fighting or training.
A low growl escapes my mouth and Maro's at the same time. He remains motionless his eyes boring into mine. 'What are you playing at Gohan.' His voice is natural calm. I know exactly how and what he's thinking. No real obstacle here just a recurring madness. Disgust fills me, oh how I hate the mood swings.
Though I do notice that he hasn't leached on to the power yet. It pisses me off. I'm finally offering something to him and he's not grabbing at it. "What Maro, You afraid?" I'm pushing more at him. Still nothing. That's when it hit me, Maybe I didn't know exactly what Maro was feeling. I slammed the power off and snarled. In a blink he was gone, a laugh echoed in my mind. And I wanted to hurt something anything. My hand gripped my shirt. I stood there for a while just staring into the wilderness. I was pissed, but I didn't dare move. If I moved I'd lose control.
A twinge at the back of my mind. I knew he was on his way. I let my face soften with a twitch. We both stand in the silence but I know for a fact that he would break it first. He never was a patient man.
"What were you doing brat?" I turned and blinked at Vegeta. My eyes were hard, I am way to stressed for this shit, And the back of my mind wonders if I'm nearly to my breaking point. I spear that thought till it dies. I will always keep my pain mine. I mean let them live happy, never knowing that something so dangerous could wipe them all out.
Fucking mood swings.
My light tenure voice rings out true. Soft easily accepted and loved. It still hasn't changed yet, but I can feel the twinges in my throat. Changes are a'commin. They're such fools. Though I think I am more of the fool. "Nothing Vegeta san."
"Don't fucking antagonize me boy." Snarling Vegeta is fun, I want to laugh. It's just so fucking funny. Maro agrees. That sobers me a bit. I hate when we agree. "I felt the power."
"I was sparring with Piccolo san Vegeta. Nothing more." My voice is a tad more menacing than I wanted it to be. Maro Howls in laughter.
"That was not Piccolos power I felt runt."
Runt? I'm as tall as he is. I cock my head. Innocent, so very innocent. I want to laugh. He steps up to me and glares into my eyes. "What are you hiding?"
I can't stop it. I want to laugh so badly, Maro is screaming in my mind. It reminds me of that same scream when Cell killed 16. A smirk graces my lips, and I whisper. "Do you really want to know?" I can see myself in Vegeta's eyes. My eyes are Green, pure, pure green and surprisingly I don't think I care. I want this fight. I want this fight with my whole being. I'm trembling, were trembling. It starting. That long awaited crack. A hairline fracture. So much rage, just for one small crack within me.
I blink; a strange feeling overcomes me. My ki flashes, and I turn away from Vegeta. Something's coming. It's a bit off, but I know something's happening. A change. I tense, my eyes roll flashing white. Something big. More than we can handle. Alone. Change, Golden keeps it at bay. Thoughts mingled. Emotions are going to be fought. The light will fade to shadowed. "And life for an instant or forever will cease." I don't know when I started to ramble. Or even open my mouth in the first place but I must have been going at it for a while.
Vegeta is standing back farther away from me than he had been previously. I don't remember him moving. Dangerous. "So you're gifted with sight now are you brat."
What I want to say is what the fuck is that? But I can't honestly ask a question that I almost certainly know the answer to. Shit, Fucking shit. If its not one thing its another. I shrug not caring. But that's not true. That's most of my problem maybe it would just be easier if I didn't care.
'It would be easier if you didn't exist. You know it would.' Maro, such the charmer. Out loud I say "I don't care Vegeta, I don't fucking care." I'm lying to him and myself. Though I think I've startled him with my language. Sweet normal, stupid, Son Gohan. He nearly took a step back. Raising eyebrows at me. I turn and start off in the opposite direction of my home.
I have to think, as if I don't do enough of it. Maybe Jack off. That might calm me down. He doesn't follow me. I'm glad, but my happiness doesn't last long.
It never does. I've done that weird sight thing once before with dad in the time chamber. Dad thought it was a fever induced nightmare. I didn't contradict him either. I don't really remember what happened in it. Too many things have happened since then. Just that I saw something coming before it came. Well I new a little of what would happen before it happened.
Off handedly I wonder what Vegeta's going to do. I do a quick check of his Ki; he's just lifted off towards Capsule Corps. 'You weren't yourself Gohan. What's wrong? Life getting to you?' I ignore Maro's mocking voice. I used to get into it with him. But I like to think I've mellowed since then. But I know I'm just tired.
And now here I am, alone again with my favorite make believe person. Whoopee. Kami, sometimes I think I'm not just depressed.
I wonder if moms' health insurance covers the insane.
Better yet... does mom even have insurance?
Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Ball Z.
A/N:
This fic has been in the making for a very long time now. I am pretty happy with it though, After fixing it up as best I can with out a beta, Im proud of it. I wanted to do more with it but maybe another time another day. The next two chapters will be up soon though. And then it will be done.
Please Review.
Gohanzgirl