Heart to Heart?
Disclaimer: I do not own Hawaii 5-0. However I can't resist playing with the characters and trying to make them behave the way I want.
Well my muse got all worked up again and wouldn't leave me alone until I put this on paper. Ever since Steve declared that Catherine is not his girlfriend but continues to behave as if she is, I have been trying to figure out why he won't admit to it. Mama McG decided to probe a bit for me and this is what happened. I've read some of the other wonderful fics that other writers have done and wanted to give it a shot too. At least now my muse is happy and quiet.
Heart to Heart?
Steve backed the truck out of the parking space near Kamekona's shrimp truck without looking at his mother beside him. He had no idea how to talk to her now that they were alone in the vehicle. Inside he was still seething from the realization that his mother was continuing to lie to him.
"You know Steve, I really do like Catherine. She is a very nice young woman," Doris finally spoke, anxious to break the uncomfortable silence in the cab of the truck.
"Yea, she's great," Steve said quickly. He kept his eyes on the street.
"How involved are you?" Doris continued to probe. "How do you feel about her?"
Steve shot a glance over at her angrily, before staring ahead once more.
"It's none of your business Doris."
"She loves you, you know," his mother pressed on.
Steve hit the brakes, bringing the truck to a halt and stared at his mother. Fortunately light traffic saved them from being rear ended, but cars honked and swerved around them.
"Steve, we are in the middle of the street," Doris exclaimed.
With a snort of anger, Steve directed the truck to the curb and slammed it into park. His grip on the steering wheel grew tighter until his knuckles were white. He kept staring straight ahead, jaw clenching and unclenching.
"Did Catherine tell you that?" he finally asked harshly.
"No…of course not. When I asked her if she loved you, she got all flustered. It was so cute," Doris explained lightly.
"Whatever made you ask her that?" Steve asked hoarsely, finally looking over at her. "Why would you put her on the spot that way?"
"I'm your mother."
"That does not give you the right to cross examine my friend. Your maternal privileges expired when you abandoned your family twenty years ago."
He could see how his angry words hit their mark as deep pain flashed across Doris' face. She swallowed her hurt and leaned towards him, her gaze intense.
"I may have lost my rights but the fact is I AM still your mother, Steven John McGarrett," she said with heat in her voice. "I never lost contact with your life, Joe kept me informed. I never stopped loving you or caring for you."
"You know…..that sounds sincere Doris but I have trouble believing it. You could have contacted me once I was an adult. You could have worked through Joe. I was a Navy SEAL for Pete's sake, I was in Naval Intelligence. What was it about me that you couldn't trust?" he asked painfully. What was it that kept her from trusting him even now?
"Oh Steven…it wasn't that I didn't trust you," Doris said sadly. She reached out to touch his shoulder and then placed a hand over one of his on the steering wheel. "I wasn't allowed to contact you. Your missions put you at great risk, it was vital that I didn't cause you greater stress. I hated that."
"That still doesn't give you any right to meddle in my personal life," Steve challenged, getting back to the subject at hand.
"I don't see it as meddling," Doris said quickly. "As I said, I'm still your mother. I can see that Catherine loves you. Have you let her know how you feel? She is your girlfriend."
"She's not my girlfriend!" Steve said sharply and pulled his hand out from under hers. He twisted in the seat to look squarely at her. "We are friends. We care about each other. But don't go putting words in my mouth and drawing conclusions about our relationship."
"Oh sweetie," Doris sighed softly. "You aren't fooling me; I can see she's important to you. I know that because I left when you were so young and then having your father send you away shortly after that has hurt you deeply. We broke your trust in loving relationships. It is keeping you from being open with Catherine."
Steve looked at her in irritation, shaking his head.
"I am open with Catherine. You don't know anything about us. If Cath isn't happy with things she'd let me know," he said tightly.
Doris watched him closely, seeing how he struggled to make himself believe what he was saying. The look in his expressive eyes said that the thought of admitting out loud what his true feelings were terrified him. His whole body language said that he felt far more than he could say out loud. And Doris knew that the actions she took all those years ago, followed by what John had done was behind the fact that their son put a wall up and couldn't be open with his feelings. And Doris didn't even want to begin thinking about what she had done to Mary, which was a subject for another time.
"Think about it Steve. Catherine drops everything to help you whenever you ask. It doesn't matter how little you give her in return, she is always there. If that isn't love, what is?" she inquired softly.
"I'm too old for a talk about the birds and the bees Mom," Steve said sarcastically.
Sighing deeply Doris shook her head. The pain behind her son's angry words hit home. She was at fault for some of this so she was determined to make him see things honestly.
"I know…I know that I'm late to this talk. But I do know what it is like to leave loved ones behind and cut myself off from love, I am an expert on that. You hold Catherine off to protect yourself in case she leaves you too but that is silly. She won't go if you are honest with her," Doris advised as she laced her fingers together and placed them in her lap. "I can't turn the clock back and undo my mistakes. But I can see that you might be making the same mistakes and I can't stand by and watch that."
Silence hung in the air as Steve rubbed one hand over his face before looking at his mother. Doris was chewing on her lower lip, twisting her fingers. She looked sincere. How could he believe what she said, how could he trust anything she said? How dare she advise him to be honest when she refused to do the same with him?
"Let's drop this subject Doris," he finally said with a sigh. "Catherine and I know where we stand and I do not need you getting involved. I've gotten this far in my life without anyone's help, I can handle it."
"Okay….fine, I've said my piece," Doris said swiftly. "I just want you to know that I like her."
"Great…..good," Steve said in relief. "I'm glad you like her. And I am glad we are clear on this. No more discussion." He checked the street, put the truck in gear and pulled back into traffic.
"I'm glad we had this talk Steve," Doris said quietly, staring at her son as he drove. "I want a relationship with you, I want a second chance."
"Yea, sure Mom. I'm sure this heart to heart has cleared the air," Steve said as he kept his eyes on the road. He hated this game they were playing. She lied to him and withheld things and he pretended everything is fine between them. There were so many questions and so few honest answers. He hoped it would change but had his doubts.
Doris watched his jaw tighten and felt guilty once again. She knew Steve had his doubts about her and she was concerned with that. Joe had warned her that this reunion would not go as easily as she had hoped and told her not to underestimate Steve. He was right and she needed to be very careful. But the mother inside her would not let go of the urge to do something to repair the emotional damage she had inflicted on her proud son. If she had to leave again, she wanted to know Steve was in a good place in his life. It would be easier if he had someone like Catherine to be there beside him, loving him. And she did like Lt. Rollins, she could make Steve happy. This time if she left, Doris wanted to know that her son would be all right.
End Story
There you are. I got to play amateur psychologist with Steve and his commitment issues. And I am still trying to get a handle on Doris. I am probably way off base but it was fun. Now my muse is happy and I hope you enjoyed reading this. Thank you.