[Edit] Sorry people but I'm most likely going to discontinue this. Originally I was planning on just writing a couple of chapters. Then I realized I realllllly didn't have that type of motivation, so I thought about adding some more then just making it a one-shot... Yeah I have no motivation lol, reading this makes me cringe so hard. I might continue and edit it in the future but that's very unlikely as of now. I'm hoping to continue writing for various "fandoms" but who knows. Thanks guys who reviewed 3!
It's the startling realization that arguments with Lily are getting more frequent, that they have much more rage in them, anger, contempt. That what they have might actually come to an end that wakes him up, splashes cold water on his head.
It takes until the end of fifth year that he sees what he's become, how different he is. He sees how utterly horrible he's been, how he's letting his anger get the better of him. How it's affecting the one person that matters most, the only person that matters. How the hurt in his heart is taking control of his brain and he resolves, never again.
But he knows someone like him, who has stood in the dark all his life could never stand by someone who's been so bright like her. No matter what. So he promises himself right then and there, no matter what, even at the cost of himself ( because really, he doesn't believe himself to be worth that much if the words of everyone else around him are anything to go by) he'll protect her. He doesn't ever want her to know because knowing her; she'll try to stop him. He's committed though, he's thought about this day and night hatching his scheme and when OWLs come around, it's the perfect time.
It's all for her, for her, for her, for her. In return for the warmth she's shared with him, the glimpse of light she's given.
No one knows but when James starts cursing him in front of everyone, he's actually smiling on the inside. He knows what's going to happen, she'll come out, defend him and James will flirt and things will end with him humiliated but this time, this time the ending will be different.
He hates James with all his heart but he knows he isn't any better and honestly, James would be a much better significant other then he could ever hope to be. So he lays quiet, waits for her to speak and oops, the word comes out so fast, too rushed.
It hurts coming out of him, vibrations rumbling through his throat, coming out of his mouth. But he lets it slip because he knows what needs to be done, to insure her survival with the path she's taking into the light.
"I don't need help from filthy little mudbloods like her!" He says.
His heart beats twice for the lie that passes through his mind and mouth like a mantra
His brain picks up on the detail that she doesn't consider, doesn't hear how false it sounds and weren't they friends, where was the trust, the belief in the good that existed in each other, that bond but he knows what he's done perfectly goes with what it seems he's become. He's glad because now she's rid of him, now she can stand in the light without someone like him weighing her down.
He doesn't expect her to cry or be so distraught after the next few days over him.
He especially doesn't expect out of everyone who's seen their relationship survive from the first year to now, that it's not even Lily who sees what he's doing, its Remus.
It's Remus who corners him when he's in the library trying hard to finish summer homework before he has to go back, Remus who with a glare that softens into a sad look once he sees the condition Snape's in (handkerchief in one hand, potion book in the other and bloodshot eyes) promises to keep his secret.
"Are you sure though. That this is the only way"
"I'm sure"
"Then I'm going to help"
And Snape knows he couldn't have found a better person to figure it out.
Remus worst of the Marauder simply because of his inability to act but the one person who gets the need to have that friendship, to protect that bond, that person no matter what.
When Malfoy sends a letter to meet up over summer promising an audience with the Dark Lord, Snape's excited. It's happening. He's getting the mark. He'll be known as one of them and then he'll protect the person he cares about.
He's not prepared for the fear that follows of finally seeing him, the pain that follows when the Mark is burned into his flesh.
When he sees her walking down the street 3 weeks later when he's getting home, he's not prepared for the blow in his guts. It's the first time he's seen her since Hogwarts. He's been practicing Occlumency however so the only sign he shows on his face is a slight grimace from his usual scowl. Lily looks to have been walking, waiting, searching maybe for him, but a slight touch to his left arm with his right prompts a scowl from her. She abruptly turns around and walks out of his sight. She understands what he's telling her.
It hurts but he's going through with what he believes in.
School starts and he sees her in the train again. She promptly ignores him but he's fine with that, he's fine he tells himself even if he ends up for the first time sitting alone on the train ride to Hogwarts.
Months pass quickly because without Lily it's all dull and he doesn't really notice anything except the distance between him and her.
It's exam time now, and between secret planned meetings on how he's going to survive the next few years, with Remus, how information will be passed and the realization that Lily apparently still dislikes James, he's feeling joy unlike before. Granted he still pukes in secret when Mulciber and Avery make him take parts in the "pranks" they play on the others, but life is good. He's building up trust; he's receiving more information that could be useful.
He receives word that his parents died the day he gets home.
He tells himself it doesn't hurt. (It does)
He doesn't mourn, his father isn't worth it especially with the alcohol that he had consumed causing the car accident but his mother was always his 2nd most favorite person. Behind Lily she was probably the only other person who seemed to care slightly. However the person who died in the car crash next to his father wasn't his mother but a shell. So he doesn't mourn for her either. Tears fall but he doesn't really mourn.
It's ironic how he now has more money with his parents dead then before. Bastard of his father was, his father had still managed to get a good insurance plan while barely, if at all paying it. He manages to keep the house with magical assistance (from Dumbledore) because he's old enough, he's of age and he was basically living by himself anyways.
He's pleasantly but not really all that surprised when during the funeral, Lily shows up with Remus in tow. He's the last one (from a party consisting of everyone that was needed for a burial) left standing but they join him. He glances pointedly at Remus first who with a shake of his head, denies revealing anything. He glances at Lily and it's the look in her eyes that knowing glint when she stares into his eyes that makes him jerk away. He's out, he's going down the road, he's taking the bus, and he's in his house. After all those years, it seems she still cares for him and that is not the plan.
Having her care about him was not part of the plan.
Having her slightly suspect was not part of the plan.
He still spends an hour in bed thinking that she may still believe in him and warmth blossoms through his chest.
When he gets a letter asking if he would like to continue to attend Hogwarts, he sends his apologizes and declines, a letter handwritten carried by a postal owl back. The Dark Lord seems to finally not care about secrecy, and he's been called upon to serve.
:) I've always loved reading and this site has made me discover so much more. This is my first time writing something and publishing but I'll see how this goes. Please review, I'd love the criticism and if you catch a mistake tell me, I'm still new to this. Also, if it isn't clear this is somewhat a different story line where Snape realizes what's he's doing/becoming during Hogwarts and resolves to change that. I'm not sure if this will remain a one-short or I'll add to it like a story but I always liked the idea that it was all planned and Snape became a death eater as a spy since the beginning without anyone's knowledge.