Autumn leaves
It is the beginning of fall. I look out of the window and watch as a few leaves fall from the tree right in front of my apartment, starting their gentle descent, being drifted away by the wind before hitting the ground. I can't help but compare those leaves to my state of mind – drifting away but going down inch by inch with every pull of gravity. I wonder when I too will hit the ground.
I watch as one of the leaves hit my window and fall onto the sill, its shades of red and gold a contrast against the grey of the day. I open the window and reach out for it, turning it in my hands gently, smiling as your face suddenly comes to my mind. I close my eyes as I remember your lips, outlining them with my thumb in my mind, remembering how they felt against my fingers, against my lips, against my skin.
I remember one of those days in the beginning of a summer that seems long past now, in that park away from the bureau, the way you ran after me when I challenged you to catch me, the way you laid me down on the grass and kissed my mouth while I was still laughing, and how you reached for a leaf that had been stuck in my hair before we both got out of the car at the bureau parking garage. You took a good look at it and, instead of just throwing it out, you said you'd keep it in your car for good luck. From that day on, every time I see a fallen leaf I remember that specific moment. Leaves will forever remind me of you, so now I just wish I could skip fall altogether so I wouldn't see leaves falling all the time.
I miss you.
A gust of cold wind enters my living room and I realize only then that I forgot to close the window. As I lean to close it, my eyes glance at my watch – it is still a little past ten, but it seems like I've already been awake for more hours than there are in a day. It seems like time has slowed down since you went away, since you both went away, or maybe I just never noticed days were this long before.
I miss you both so much it hurts.
A car passes by, music loud enough to wake up the entire neighborhood. The song that reaches my ears reminds me of winter, of cozy fireplaces, of blankets and hot chocolates. Of telephone conversations about nothing. This kind of song used to make me happy and, for a moment, I almost smile again. But then other memories come rushing through, invading my brain like an avalanche. Memories of UFOs, of a funeral in Raleigh, of super-soldiers, of crying babies and mind-controlled objects, of adoption agencies. Of part of me that once was and now isn't. My happy winter songs have now become dark and painful, and I can only pray I'll never listen to them again.
More leaves fall from the tree and slowly make their way to the ground. I follow them with my eyes, longing for something to happen so that they won't meet that sad fate of hitting the ground, of becoming insignificant, of being stepped on, of being discarded. I long to hear your voice telling me that my child, our child, will never feel as if he were one of those leaves. Your voice would reassure me that I made the right decision, even if I know that that decision will haunt me for as long as I live. I wish for a miracle because you were always the one telling me to never give up on a miracle.
I miss my miracle. I miss my baby. I miss you.
I know I was the one to convince you to go away, the one to say it was too dangerous for you to stay, but I wish with every fiber of my being that you could be here for me right now. I wish your arms would hold me and prevent me from falling apart completely. I wish that at least the season would miraculously change because I miss you every day of the year, I miss you every damn season of the year, but most of all, I realize, I desperately miss you when autumn leaves start to fall.
A/N: Thanks for reading! This fic was inspired by Eva Cassidy's song 'Autumn Leaves'.