Disclaimer: characters are from Sugisaki Yukiru-sensei's D. N. Angel. This is purely for fun & out of boredom...
Short fanfic of Satoshi's musings...slight Satoshi X Daisuke but nothing x-rated. My first fanfic, so please review!! but be nice ;)
今でも愛を知らなくて愛を知らなくてなぜ
僕にはあの感情があの感情がない？
-L'Arc en Ciel, "What Is Love"
Even now, I don't know love, I don't know love, why
In me, that emotion, that emotion isn't there?
What is Love?
My eyelids feel hot, my body is tired, but still I can't sleep. Logically, I should sleep because a sick person needs to get enough rest in order to regain physical strength. Yes, yes, I know that but it doesn't change the fact that I'm ridiculously tired yet wide awake. I keep thinking the same thoughts over and over again, trying to figure out my mistake.
Up till now, I've been very careful: I've distanced myself from my classmates at school, I don't go on dates, I live by myself. I'm not complaining; I'm merely going over the facts to see what went wrong…because I can't understand why he still appeared.
Him—Krad—my alter-ego. I thought he wasn't supposed to appear if I didn't fall in love with anyone? So why the hell did I transform into him after I helped Daisuke Niwa? Just because I didn't want Daisuke to be hurt, because I wanted to protect him, because I know that even though Dark may be my enemy, Daisuke is anything but that…?
Pathetic. Maybe I was wrong to have gotten closer to him. I know, it was for the sake of investigation, but still, was there a better way to get to know Daisuke without actually interacting with him? I really doubt that. To me, Daisuke is…interesting. He's kind, innocent, candid, clumsy. Heh. I can't help but like him.
Krad said that I treasure that boy. Do I, really? I care about him enough to try to save him. But I thought that the trigger had to be "love," or specifically, "romantic" love, not just…whatever I feel for Daisuke. I am completely certain I am not in love with Daisuke. Completely certain.
But in the back of my mind, I can hear Krad snickering. I hate this. I don't want to destroy Daisuke, I don't, don't want to, but at the very end, will I be able to if that's the only thing left to do? Yes, of course. But really…? So why the hell am I second-guessing myself now, anyway?
There's no point in forcing oneself to sleep especially when it's practically impossible to do so. I've never really been comfortable sleeping around other people, anyway…and judging from the sudden tightness in the pajamas that I'm wearing—Daisuke's pajamas—I knew my body had transformed into Krad's yet again. So, best to get going.
Quietly, I changed out of the pajamas and into my own clothes. Lifting Daisuke into his own bed was simple enough since he's light and very easy to carry. Very easy to hurt, too, seeing as he's only human after all. I tucked him in under his blanket and stared at his sleeping form bathed in moonlight. Daisuke looked relaxed as he slept with his mouth barely open, arms strewn carelessly beside him, and his pet Wiz sleeping soundly nearby. Did I love this boy…?
"I never wanted to become deeply connected to you," I whispered, regret seeping into my voice. I approached his bed closer. Ah, at least for tonight, I let me gaze upon you and…I shook my head and stopped myself from stroking his slightly chubby cheek. No, before Krad can do anything with my body, I must go.
"Daisuke…" I murmured his name almost apologetically into the silent night. "I…I've always…" Always what? I've always been watching over you, studying you, been fascinated by you, wanted you, loved you…"I've always envied you."