It could never be.
Not unless their situation ever changed somehow. Not unless he was no longer her commander and she was no longer his subordinate.
Alicia could not say exactly when her feelings had changed for him; from a platonic respect for her superior, to the compassion for a friend, and to the love she felt for him now.
There was no linear transition in her mind; no sudden revelation.
It had been a slow progression.
Somewhere over the course of the past few years, their conversations had begun to change from strategies and security procedures to their most profound thoughts and dreams.
He began calling her Wash. He was the only one who ever dared.
Alicia began calling him Nathaniel. She was the only one allowed to do so.
They cared for each other. Cared in ways they shouldn't.
Alicia could see it in the way his eyes followed her sometimes. She could feel it in the way her own heart fluttered when she sensed his gaze.
They worried for each other.
Alicia knew that by just how many guards he sent to accompany her when she was the one who left the safety of the gates; by the tight knot in her gut while he was off colony himself.
Words could not express their feelings. Not unless their situation changed.
If any did change, perhaps they would allow their relationship to progress.
For now they spoke in silent, using their eyes to communicate even as something else came for their mouths. He learned to read her expressions and she learned to do the same with his. Only they knew what was really being said between them.
It was how he knew she had not been lying earlier. He barely had any memory of who she was, just some random solider who had served with him a long time ago. He knew she was telling the truth when she told him his wife had passed away years ago.
Nathaniel would not have believed it coming from anyone else. He barely even believed it from her, but he knew even without his memories. He knew she spoke the truth, he had read her eyes and he had seen it. He saw her pain at having been forgotten by him too.
Alicia had read his intentions the very second he accepted the truth. She had been ready; one hand hovering by her sonic gun, ready to use the weapon if it became apparent that his emotional pain was far too great to deal with.
And she had not hesitated, not for one second, when those intentions became a harsh reality. He had tried to draw the knife on himself. She shot him with her sonic and rendered him unconscious to stop it.
The doctor must have sensed something between them. Even in those brief moments, Alicia had seen the way the other woman glanced at him when he woke—to assess whether or not he was really him again and not some confused phantom from the past—before releasing him from his confines.
Alicia hovered now with worry, one hand automatically going to his back to offer support while the other somehow rested atop his thigh.
Nathaniel gazed at it, disoriented and confused. She pulled it back quickly, muttering out a question to distract herself from her unintentional touch. She asked if he would have a cold due to the antidote the doctor had injected him with, a side effect.
Alicia squeezed his shoulder when it was all done with. Her heart pounded within her chest, and she could still see the events in her mind; her initial relief at seeing him after so long, only to be met with the cold realization something was wrong.
He had held a knife to her. Nathaniel could have killed her, and he would have done so without remorse because his memory was all wrong. He could have killed Mark, or the young Miss Shannon her boy was so enamored with. She had talked him down, but the feelings were still there.
They were still too raw.
"Lieutenant," he said as she tried to make her escape.
Alicia turned and looked into his eyes.
Wash… I remember.
"Yes, sir?"
It's alright.
Nathaniel was staring. "You shot me,"
No it's not. I nearly killed you. I nearly killed myself. And you stopped me.
"I did, sir," she confirmed.
You bet your ass I did, old man. I would do it again in a heartbeat. You're too important to me.
"… Good job,"
I love you. I'm sorry.
Alicia smiled at him. I forgive you. I love you too.
Feeling a bit better now that they'd had the chance to talk about it, Alicia turned to leave. She caught sight of the doctor smiling at her knowingly as she walked out. She was confident that the other woman would keep their secret.
For now they were still commander and subordinate. She was Lieutenant Washington and he was Commander Taylor. Only in silence, in the private conversations held with their eyes, did they even allow themselves to think of what they could be.
Perhaps someday…