Just so everybody's aware, this is supposed to be a crack-fic. And this is the first in a crack-series that will be made up entirely of the stupidest ways for everyone's favorite immortal ex-Time Agent/conman of a Captain to die… And the repercussions they have. Set sometime in season 2 before Reset.
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Jack really wasn't expecting the girl to attack him. She just thought she might need a lift, and why does anyone buy four pounds of cheese from a grocery store at once anyway? So it really, truly, wasn't his fault that his team had been called in to identify his body because he had already been diagnosed as deceased by the emergency responders.
Luckily for Jack, Torchwood had him out of the hospital and in the SUV in no time, and he was finally able to stop pretending to be dead.
Unfortunately, it seemed that his team had already heard about how he died this team, and they wanted the details.
So Captain Jack Harkness, leader of Torchwood Three, was forced to tell his team that a twelve year old girl had struck out in what she claimed was self-defense because "How is a twelve year old supposed to know that he was a 'Torchwood' agent?", which of course had raised the question of what Torchwood was, but Gwen had merely told the (American) cops that Torchwood was a secret British police force. And Jack swore never to take his team visiting small towns in the middle of the northeastern USA ever again.
Because the twelve year old had smashed Jack in the head and caused him to crack his skull open on the curb behind him with a fricking bag of cheese.
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Stupid, short, and extremely funny…