Notes: slash, alternate universe - canon divergence, violence, major character death, suicide.

It had all happened much too fast to even think of an appropriate counteraction that would have made a significant difference. Only an audience of horrified people was the instantaneous reaction. Blood eased out from the broken armor, pouring and streaking across the crystal like ground where the heavily wounded body lay motionless. A massive hole was clearly visible in the man's left breast, going all the way through to his back.

Saying it was horrific wouldn't have done the event justice. No, classifying it by just one word alone would not do at all.

Cecil was down on his knees next to the man, his hands fisted against the ground and his head hung low, white hair hiding the expression on his face. This couldn't be real. He did not just stand witness to the death of his best friend.

It was all too hard for the paladin to believe. Or rather, he did not want to believe that he had seen Kain die right in front of him.

They had all thought that the fight with Zeromus was over, that they had claimed a great victory and saved their world from such an entity of darkness. But just as they were turning to leave, Kain felt that something was off. He turned and glimpsed at the faded outlines of their enemy, a black energy glowing at the base before firing off. Zeromus was launching a final attack, one meant to kill immediately, and its target was Cecil. Acting quickly, Kain had pushed Cecil out of the way, taking the assault in all its intended malice. He fell back to the ground with a hard thud, no longer breathing before he even hit the floor.

"Oh, no, Kain…" Rosa said softly, tears flowing freely down her face.

Edge and Rydia watched from a subtle distant, both downright shocked and incredulous. The green-haired summoner was also crying just as freely behind her hands, unable to look at the injured body before her and barely feeling the ninja wrap his arm around her in comfort.

Cecil turned his head towards Rosa and asked, "Can you heal him?"

"Cecil…" She hadn't the heart to tell him what was most likely true. There was no way he couldn't tell.

"Please try, Rosa!"

Rosa nodded. "All right." Taking her stance in front of the fallen body, she casted a spell. "Cura!"

The light fell on Kain's form, trying to mend the immense amount of damage inflicted to his body. Cecil held his breath, waiting, hoping that Kain would get up, speak, do something to show that he was still very much alive—but it never came to pass.

Kain had died protecting his dear friend from meeting the exact same fate. And it was more than Cecil could bear. He wanted to scream out until his voice was gone. Kain couldn't leave him like this. Not when he…

.:.

Upon returning to their home planet, the news of Kain's death shook Baron to its very core. Many people showed up on the date of his burial to pay homage to the deceased dragoon, even a few of the people that Cecil had travelled with were there to give their regards. But all the same, nothing made Cecil feel whole. There was a gaping hole where his heart should have been, and yet the organ sustained its steady beating.

Looking at the body laying ever so quietly in the wooden casket fashioned by Cid, Cecil couldn't help but smile, however saddened it was.

Even in death, Kain still looked so beautiful. How he wished lay a single kiss on those blue lips, even more so if Kain was still alive. But some wishes never come true.

Lips are turning blue
A kiss that can't renew
I only dream of you
My beautiful

Cecil felt awful about what had happened, but not just because he couldn't do anything to help. He was so gloomy because he had never gotten the chance to divulge his innermost feelings to the person who was now dead. Ever since he stole Mysidia's Crystal by the order of a false King, events kept going by too hurriedly for him speak with Kain alone.

How could he have let the opportunity slip by him without at least trying to confess what he felt? What they could have had ended before it even had the chance to begin. The glory of the dragoon was nonexistent, all because he had decided to be a martyr.

After the funeral was over, Cecil departed quickly to Kain's bedchamber. This room was the only place in all of Baron Castle that made him feel happy, gave him a reprieve from his depression. The memory of his dead friend was alive here, and eventually, that would also disappear. In this room, which felt so desolate without Kain being there, he could voice out his true feelings.

If only it would mean more to him than nothing.

The bed was neatly made up, like Kain was expected to walk in tomorrow and sleep there. Cecil ran his hand over the soft blankets, no trace of warmth on them at all. Just like the body that was now six feet under. Clear tears cascaded down his pale face in streams and he silently let them continue their path down. He had held it in during the service, but now that the knowledge had snuck in deep, he couldn't keep them at bay any longer.

That night, Cecil slept on top of Kain's bed, the nightmare not even freeing him during sleep, however troubled it was.

Tiptoe to your room (Tiptoe to your room)
A starlight in the gloom (A starlight in the gloom)
I only dream of you (I only dream of you)
And you never knew (And you never knew)

.:.

Day in and day out, Cecil sat in his own room, utterly alone and brooding. His sadness was locked up tight inside of him, though others could tell that he was miserable. But they left him alone, figuring that he would eventually come out of his despair stronger than ever. They were waiting for a new leader to rise up and take command, and who better than the great paladin Cecil to lead them on to the future? He was a sensible man; surely he could rise up from this tragedy?

If only they could see past their own feelings and try to help him. Maybe then he would feel like there was more to life to than horrible torment. Then again, he didn't want their help. Cecil didn't fully understand it himself, but he felt that he should be able to pull himself out of misery on his own.

But it was becoming increasingly difficult each passing hour.

Rosa walked in silently, wearing the most beautiful white dress imaginable. Around the white mage, Cecil had to suppress most of his anguish. She knew of his melancholy, but the extent of the damage was hidden from her eyes all too well.

The mask placed over his real self was almost too perfect to be true.

Sing for absolution
I will be singing
And falling from your grace

"Cecil, please. Kain was our friend and he would not wish you suffer so," Rosa said, trying to console him the best she could.

Kain was his friend—that much was true—but he was also something much more. Even if Cecil only knew this in his heart, one that was gradually dying without Kain being at his side, like he should have been from the start. Sometimes, he could swear that the organ in his chest was beating much slower than it normally should. At least, that's what he assumed was happening every second of his hollowed life.

"Come. It's time for the ceremony." She stood him up, interlocking their arms and led him down the stairs.

For everyone else, he had to put on a different face. If anyone knew of their future King's weakness, it would not bode well for the common folk. They would not believe in him as a leader. They would think he failed as a man, as a brave warrior who had protected them from danger countless times.

But how was he supposed to act different when all he felt was burning pain?

There's nowhere left to hide
In no one to confide
The truth burns deep inside
And will never die

.:.

Being a royal now did nothing to ease his suffering. In fact, his position only made him feel much worse. The event of Kain's death played in his head over and over again, no matter how much he willed it to cease. Cecil was in the midst of vast suffering, and no one understood why or even bothered to ask. They saw Kain as being Cecil's best friend; Cecil saw Kain as the only person he had ever fallen in love with. They had only assumed, even Rosa was guilty of the same negligence.

Whether she had gotten over Kain's death, he couldn't tell. If she was still affected, she was putting up a mask as well.

Images replayed in the blue eyes of Cecil, without end or regard to how he was taking it, how he was still able to handle it. Somehow, he still had the strength to carry on without Kain. He was filled with spite over his friend leaving him. He should have stayed out of the way from that blast.

But then, Cecil would have left all his loved ones in the same pain.

He could only imagine what it would have been like if Kain was just as in love with him as he was with the dragoon. It would make it so much better if the man was still around to reveal such affection instead of it being in the speculation of a distraught white knight that was beginning to lose hope.

Lips are turning blue (Lips are turning blue)
A kiss that can't renew (A kiss that can't renew)
I only dream of you (I only dream of you)
My beautiful (My beautiful)

.:.

What does it feel like to die? Is it painful? Is it a release from life's aches? Would it hurt to just let go of it all and move on? Could it be possible to not feel regret after dying?

'Would it be all right if I passed on so I could stop feeling this way?'

Cecil would surely be chastised if anyone knew of his inner thoughts. They plagued him endlessly just as much as having to watch Kain be killed all over again in his mind's eye. But, no, he had to continue on, if only for the sake of his people. They still needed him to rule and make decisions that reflected their best interests.

No amount of whispered comfort could do anything for him.

Sing for absolution
I will be singing
And falling from your grace

.:.

A year passed by slowly for Cecil, the hole in his heart growing even larger with each passing day. Oh, what he would give for just one more minute with Kain. Just a few moments would be enough to suffice. Any time that would have allowed him to say that he loved him would have been more than welcomed.

Even if Kain was to reject him during that desired short time, it would have been better than the pain he couldn't keep at bay. It grew and itched in his head, to the point where all he wanted to do was make it stop forever.

God, Cecil couldn't take it anymore. He felt like he was losing his mind with every moment that went by. He didn't want to spend his life this way. It was too horrible to think of, and frankly, he wanted badly for it to end. How could other people persevere through this? They had to have much will to go on with their lives.

Willpower that Cecil didn't have any longer.

Picking up his forgotten sword laying against the wall of his bedchamber, he steadily held the sharp edge against his neck.

Sing for absolution
I will be singing
And falling from your grace

To think that his own holy blade would be stained with his blood as soon as he sliced his throat open. He was scared, but at least then the pain would finally be gone, never to return once he allowed himself to cut his skin. It would have originally been utterly inconceivable for him to commit such a horrible sin. Before Kain died, he was strong and valiant, everything a noble paladin should always be. But now, he felt so weak and useless, like he could never hope to recover from his great loss.

And if feeling this emptiness was how his life was going to be from now on, he would rather not have an existence to speak of at all.

'I love you.'

Our wrongs
Remain unrectified
And our souls
Won't be exhumed

Song — Sing for Absolution by Muse

Edit 11/25/2013; Minor formatting edits and removal of my stupid ANs.