My Lonely Heart
Is it wrong that I hate being alive so much? I don't think I can stand it. Everyday I go to sleep praying that I won't wake up, that this is the last time I have to see myself in the mirror to see how disgusting I am, to see someone who's been denied all the joys he gives to others. Heero is happy with Relena now ... I set them up. Their first child is on the way. I hope for Heero's sake it's a girl ... He needs more females in his life. Quatre and Trowa, after a gentle nudge from me, will be getting married in June. Gods, they're happy. You can see just by the way they look at each other they how deep their love is. The way they look at each other it's heart- breakingly the depth of emotion they share. I've even set Wufei up! I'll never tell anyone, but after Heero got married Wufei was my last chance at happiness. He's currently dating Joel, a mutual friend of ours. He never would have found the courage to ask him out if I hadn't forced them into a taxi cab I had paid to drive around for a few hours. I wouldn't be surprised if they're were announcing a marriage date soon.
And as for Duo? Well as far as they all know I'm still the happy go lucky joker. I'm told I'm still attractive, but when I'm alone, all I can see is a scared, ugly, lonely, little boy. I remember one night I went through my house and destroyed all the mirrors simply because I couldn't bear my reflection any longer. When I look at myself I see every scar, every blemish, and every pound I've put on since the wars. I'm a monstrosity. That's why I wear all black, it's slimming ya know; and why my sleeves are always long -- hey it's still in style, right? -- and why I still keep my hair in a braid. It's the only part of me that's still pure, the only part that hasn't left me sobbing in the middle of my floor praying that no one calls or visits because if anyone ever saw me like that I would have to kill myself.
I finally decided what to do about it. I've done all the good I can do; my friends are happy and I've accepted that I never will be. So tonight I'm going to brush my hair out, put on my old priest's outfit and I'm going to end my life. It'll be better for everyone... they can go on and be happy and I won't have to suffer anymore. Maybe... maybe I'll put on some music, so I won't be totally alone when I go...
~~ Owari
Is it wrong that I hate being alive so much? I don't think I can stand it. Everyday I go to sleep praying that I won't wake up, that this is the last time I have to see myself in the mirror to see how disgusting I am, to see someone who's been denied all the joys he gives to others. Heero is happy with Relena now ... I set them up. Their first child is on the way. I hope for Heero's sake it's a girl ... He needs more females in his life. Quatre and Trowa, after a gentle nudge from me, will be getting married in June. Gods, they're happy. You can see just by the way they look at each other they how deep their love is. The way they look at each other it's heart- breakingly the depth of emotion they share. I've even set Wufei up! I'll never tell anyone, but after Heero got married Wufei was my last chance at happiness. He's currently dating Joel, a mutual friend of ours. He never would have found the courage to ask him out if I hadn't forced them into a taxi cab I had paid to drive around for a few hours. I wouldn't be surprised if they're were announcing a marriage date soon.
And as for Duo? Well as far as they all know I'm still the happy go lucky joker. I'm told I'm still attractive, but when I'm alone, all I can see is a scared, ugly, lonely, little boy. I remember one night I went through my house and destroyed all the mirrors simply because I couldn't bear my reflection any longer. When I look at myself I see every scar, every blemish, and every pound I've put on since the wars. I'm a monstrosity. That's why I wear all black, it's slimming ya know; and why my sleeves are always long -- hey it's still in style, right? -- and why I still keep my hair in a braid. It's the only part of me that's still pure, the only part that hasn't left me sobbing in the middle of my floor praying that no one calls or visits because if anyone ever saw me like that I would have to kill myself.
I finally decided what to do about it. I've done all the good I can do; my friends are happy and I've accepted that I never will be. So tonight I'm going to brush my hair out, put on my old priest's outfit and I'm going to end my life. It'll be better for everyone... they can go on and be happy and I won't have to suffer anymore. Maybe... maybe I'll put on some music, so I won't be totally alone when I go...
~~ Owari