I don't own GI Joe.

Well, here's my contribution to the 'trap Beach Head with pie' story challenge. I've tied it into Karama9's 'Viper, Viper in the Pit,' as well as willwrite4fic's "Beach's Honey Buns."

Bear Trap

"Man…that damned Cobra stole my idea."

Spirit raised an eyebrow as he looked over at his fellow Joe. Stalker was lying on his back, scowling at the night sky. Out in the middle of the Utah desert, the stars twinkled brightly down upon the Joes while the nearby the voices of Dusty, Lady Jaye, and Leatherneck murmured quietly. It had been a long day of training and the Joes had two more to go before they could return to base.

"You were planning to poison Beach Head?" Charlie Iron-Knife asked with some amusement.

"Okay…maybe he didn't completely steal my idea," Stalker admitted. "I was only planning to drug him."

"And then…?" Spirit asked. That couldn't be the end of it.

"Duct tape him to the A-frame," the ranger finished. A smile twitched on Spirit's lips. The image of a swearing, drugged up Beach Head wrapped in duct tape was enough to make the normally stoic man chuckle.

"See?" Lonzo Wilkinson asked grumpily. "I told you it was a good idea."

"Then why don't you do it?" the other man asked. The ranger shrugged.

"Doesn't feel right," he answered. "Seeing as he was poisoned and all." After a moment, he yet again cursed the damned Cobra viper that had not only dared to pass himself off as a greenshirt and poison their sergeant major, but steal his idea! Sort of.

"Perhaps you should come up with a new plan," Spirit suggested. "Perhaps one that doesn't involve a box. That's been overdone."

"But the box is part of the fun," Stalker protested. "And it's part of the betting pool."

"But you weren't planning to use one," Spirit pointed out.

"Just as a prop," the ranger said. "The rules say 'to trap Beach Head with pie and a box,' but not how to use the said pie and box. I was just going to have one set up for appearances sake."

"Ah…winning by a technicality," Charlie smiled. "A good plan. At least, if you catch him." Stalker snorted.

"Beach wants to be caught. He doesn't care about the damned boxes as long as he gets free pie."

The two men returned to silence. The cold, desert wind chilled them and made an eerie sound as it blew across the landscape. If the wind picked up, they would have to seek shelter.

"Perhaps…that is his weakness," Spirit mused aloud. "Catch him…but keep him from getting the pie." Stalker rolled over onto his side to stare at the Joes' tracker.

"How do we do that?" he asked. The ranger paused a moment before a sly grin crossed his face.

"Spirit…are you actually getting involved?" Stalker grinned.

"Hardly."

There was another pause.

"Maybe," Charlie Iron-Knife admitted. Stalker's grin widened and Spirit found that he was grinning as well. Regardless of his reputation, even Charlie enjoyed the occasional prank.

"Okay then…" Stalker said. "Our mission is to trap Beach Head with pie…but to not let him get the pie….and use a box…"

"And duct tape."

"Why duct tape? He won't be drugged," Lonzo asked curiously. Spirit shrugged.

"I like the idea of duct tape," he answered.

"Okay…duct tape," Stalker said. "So how do we trap him?"

"We have two days to plan..." Charlie pointed out.

"Plot," Lonzo corrected.

"Plan," Spirit repeated. "Let us brainstorm."

"Plot," the ranger said again. Stalker smirked at the bemused look the other man sent his way. "What?" he asked innocently. "I like the word 'plot.' It sounds devious."

"Fine," Charlie Iron-Knife said with mock seriousness. "Then let us plot against Beach Head."

Beach Head frowned as he stared down at the report. One of the quartermaster's had reported that about forty pounds of honey had been swiped from storage. The ranger swore and muttered under his breath. His last encounter with honey hadn't gone too well. Vivid images of a smirking Flint came to mind.

"Damn maggots. Ah swear, if any of my greenies did this…" he growled. Lord only knows what kind of hell the thieves planned with the missing honey.

The ranger sighed. He had more important things to do than to track down the trouble makers. Duke had happily passed the duty on to him, though he had warned the ranger to keep rage induced injuries to a minimum.

"Ah swear, Ah'll kill the damned pogues," he muttered. He was supposed to be on break. He was also supposed to be grabbing coffee with Cover Girl on the said break.

He was going to break the people responsible for this.

"What the hell?" he asked aloud. A giant red arrow, made of construction paper, was taped to a nearby wall. The word 'pie' was scrawled across it. Wayne stared at it curiously. Was someone else seriously trying to trap him again? He'd survived cages and poison for Gawd's sake.

Though all the pie had been worth it though, especially Scarlett's.

Beach Head peered down the hall. He could make out another red arrow near the elevator. The ranger bit down on his lip. Free pie was waiting for him.

No, he had honey thieves to catch.

'But there's pie, delicious pie,' his inner voice whined. Or maybe it was his stomach.

"After I've done my duty," he muttered to himself. He continued on down the hall. If he was following the arrow's direction, well it was just plain coincidence. Law and Order should be in the…

'Pie!' his stomach yelled. Wayne ignored it. Honey thieves, honey thieves…

He was at the other red arrow. It pointed towards the elevators. Law was in the other direction. Beach Head paused in indecision. He was going to go right. He was going to find Law and have Order sniff out who the thieves were….

His feet went left. Wayne Sneeden decided the he should go with his feet. He'd get the thieves soon anyway.

He wondered if the pie would still be warm.

A purple arrow inside the elevator pointed up. The number 'one' was written on it. The ranger complied by hitting the button for the first floor. When he stepped out, a green arrow, this time taped to the floor, was pointing straight ahead.

Beach Head willingly followed the path of arrows and ignored the various smirks that people sent his way. It was an obvious trap, but he didn't care.

He did, however, care when he saw the final arrow pointing towards the PT course. Of all the places they were trying to trap him at and it was his beloved obstacle course?

Amused now, and slightly irritated, the ranger made his way over to the course. Looking around, he spotted the tackiest box he'd ever seen hanging from the A-frame. Duct tape was holding several pieces of cardboard together. Someone had scrawled 'Pie Trap Box' across it with bright green paint.

"Good Gawd…that's supposed to hold me?" Beach Head thought. Were they seriously trying to catch him with that? The 'box' could technically cover him, but it looked like it would break apart if touched.

His eyes lit up when he caught the distinctive scent of apple pie. Beach Head wandered over to a small table sitting innocently underneath the box. Wayne held back, however, growing more suspicious. There had to be something besides the box.

He mused about that. The ranger walked around the table, making sure to keep a good three meters between himself and the pie. His stomach rumbled. The pie was growing more and more enticing. Beach Head rather suspected that it was a Roadblock pie, which made the temptation even worse.

But he couldn't. Not until he figured out what the catch was.

Beach Head peered up at the flimsy box again. He wasn't sure, but there seemed to be something inside the box. Maybe the real box? That had to be it. There had to be a stronger box inside the cardboard one. The chains holding it to the A-frame were too strong to be necessary for a duct taped excuse of a box. The outer one was just for show, to lure him into a false sense of security.

The ranger shrugged. Honestly, he didn't care what the 'trap' was. He'd get free pie and then be on his way.

Wayne finally walked up to the table and reached out to take the pie. His hand passed through it.

"What the fuck?" he swore. He passed his hand through it again. Was it a hologram? Gawd dammit, Mainframe would pay for…

There was a soft click. Beach Head looked up to see the box explode, sending a large mass of amber colored stickiness in all directions.. His brain yelled at him to move, but his body wasn't fast enough.

With a wham, the ranger fell to the ground as the missing honey sprayed him. Gobs of it covered the ground and the A-frame, in addition to himself. Beach Head struggled to stand up. After several unsuccessful attempts, he finally managed it…only to slip and fall back into the pool of honey.

"GAWD DAMMIT!"

Beach Head bellowed his lungs out, swearing vengeance against the perpetrators. When he paused to catch his breath, he noticed that the holographic image of the pie had disappeared. It had been replaced with a message written in bright red.

'The pie is a lie."

He was going to murder someone. That's all there was to it. To make it worse, he could still smell pie. The damned bastards were taunting him.

Stalker smirked as he cut into an apple pie. He evenly divided it into six slices. Mainframe eagerly dug into his pieces while Spirit, ever well mannered, took his time.

"That was brilliant," Mainframe said, his mouth full of pie.

"A rather unfortunate sacrifice of pie though," Spirit mused sadly. They had hidden an actual pie inside the box and used tiny fans to help spread the scent. The honey bomb had unfortunately destroyed it.

"It was necessary, we had to sacrifice the pie," Stalker pointed out. "It was strategically necessary."

"But now Beach is out for blood," Mainframe pointed out. "He has to know that I'm involved, but he…"

"Don't worry, we'll make sure he knows that it was all our idea," Stalker said. "We won't let you take the heat alone."

"We'll probably be put on KP or guard duty though for stealing the honey," Spirit said evenly. "We'll likely have to pay for replacing it as well."

"A necessary sacrifice," Stalker repeated. "But it was all worth it."

"You know," Mainframe said, grinning. "My mom always said that you catch more flies with honey."

A grumpy grizzly bear stomped down the stairs and towards the showers. A small trail of honey followed after him. He'd tried hosing himself off, but like the first time, it had little effect. Whistles and cat calls followed him.

Duke groaned as the honey covered bear stalked by, growling under its breath.

"Again? You got covered with honey AGAIN?"

The grizzly bear paused to glower at him and then continued on its way. As it neared its destination, a sailor couldn't help adding his two cents.

"Hey Beach! Maybe Cover Girl can lick it off of you this time!"

He was answered by an angry and embarrassed bellow.

Author's note: I've been meaning to do both the pie challenge, as well as the honey challenge that was between willwrite4fics and Karama9. I decided to combine both and to tie the story into the other pie challenge stories, particularly Karama9's, as well as willwrite4fics 'Beach's Honey Buns' story. It actually wasn't originally my intention, but my brain worked it out that way. I may still write a different honey story though, as my original idea for one involves a different character.