Hey everyone, this has been hiding on my laptop for sometime. I recently found it half finished and decided to finish it. I kinda like the way it's turned out let me know what you think
Disclaimer: I don't own CSI Miami... I wish...
Warning: There is mentions of Slash... Thats Male/Male relationships ahead guys if you don't like it please don't read it.
Oh and before I go the song choice is "Missin' You" By the Tony Rich Project... Enjoy...
Now on with the story...
Missin' You
Horatio Caine watched his lab working through the glass doors off his office down onto the floor of the lab. He knew he was slowly fading away, slowly fading into the workings of the lab as life went on without him and he had no idea how he was going to stop it. He didn't even know if he did want to stop it.
He stared at himself in the mirror everyday and he was finding it more difficult to recognise the man staring back at him. He was slowly starting to realise he really had no idea who that man was anymore, or where the old Horatio Caine had gone.
He knew there had to be something human, something feeling still inside somewhere but deep in his heart he was starting to realise it was becoming harder to find.
He had sunk deeper and deeper into Lieutenant Caine in the hopes that it would dull the pain that would not ease. But all it had done was make him feel less than human and work harder and fight for the lab harder than he ever had before. But it hadn't driven away the pain, the pain remained. Sometimes he thought it was still as raw as that day a year ago.
He tried to tell himself it had lessened but he still felt the stab in his heart. Still reached for his lover to find him gone, still wanted to ring his cell number to hear his voice only to realise that he wasn't there. That still felt like a kick in the gut.
Said I'm missin' you
He had to believe it would get better. It had too. He couldn't live like this for much longer he had started to realise that he was truly fading away.
Horatio had never thought himself an overly emotional man. He had always locked his emotions away, ignored them. Found other ways to let his emotions run wild. He was Miami's protector and he had a job to do. But in the last year he had shed more tears than he had in his entire existence.
Horatio had to bite back the scream crawling up his throat at the mere thought of a year ago. Was it truly a year ago his life had been so brutally turned upside down? Every day felt like a year in itself. Tim was gone.
Tim his lover, his everything was gone. Horatio still expected him to walk in the lab and continue to work as they had before. Then he'd catch himself thinking it and realise it was just wishful thinking. Tim was gone, had died in Horatio's arms and Horatio wanted to believe that the pain would lessen but he didn't think he'd ever get over it.
Oh yeah,
Baby, said I'm missin' you
Horatio often wondered if he was human at all and then decided he had to be because it hurt too much to be anything else. He'd tried to put his life back together but it was so hard.
There were so many ghosts in his past to do that simply. But he knew he would have to try. Like he had tired before. With Tim. He remembered the day his life changed forever, the day that he had lost the one person he loved most in the world. The day he had never felt so helpless. His lover had died in his arms and he could do nothing to help him. The thoughts still haunted him.
Horatio had suddenly become one of the families that had to be told their loved ones would never come home again. he was used to telling families that their world's would change. Used to being the one to break the news and seeing families break down while he comforted them. Now he was one of their number. Now he understood. He had been helpless and he never wanted to feel that way again. One year on and still his heart felt like it would never mend.
He remembered the first time he had seen Tim in the lab. Even that first day he had been attracted. He'd fallen before he'd had time to realise he had. But he'd let his ghosts shadow his every move. He'd tried to give hints, and it wasn't as if Tim hadn't known he cared. He had cared. A lot. More than he would have ever thought he could.
He should have told Tim more. He'd showed his lover in everyway he could, he was sure Tim had understood Tim had had his own demons, something Horatio thought they were dealing with. Tim had known and he had appreciated the effort Horatio went to but he also knew his lover was ready for more, Horatio just hadn't known how to give it to his lover.
He had wanted too, so badly but he hadn't been sure what to say, how to explain. He wasn't good with emotion when it came to himself. Others he could be their rock but himself? Sometimes, before Tim he hadn't thought he was capable but Tim had proved him wrong.
Tim had proved him wrong time and again and now he would never see his lover again and he had to close his eyes against the pain. He still remembered the funeral his face in a permanent line. He had fought so hard not to show emotion knowing if he had he would have shattered. He could feel the pain rising again and he knew he had to keep it from surfacing otherwise he'd never survive.
It hurt, even now. He missed his lover so deeply he couldn't find the words. It hurt because he thought Tim had trusted him. After the Dispo Day incident he thought they had reached an understanding. He thought they were working though it. Horatio didn't think he'd ever forgive himself for not seeing his lover was loosing himself to the darkness.
Speed why did you leave me? Horatio fought tears and clamped down his jaw. Soon though he knew he would loose the battle. If he had seen that darkness he knew he could have helped his lover. Would have given anything to help him. If only he had looked closely past the layers he thought he could read.
If only…
Said I'm sitting down by the bay on a lonely day
Tossing rocks across the water and they fly away
And the sun don't seem to shine and the trees they talk
I've got summertime blues in the middle of fall
He shook his head feeling like the pain was going to drown him. His lover had died in his arms. He had felt the life drain from his. Watched as the spirit died from those beautiful brown eyes. And he was powerless to do anything but pray and despair as his prayers went unanswered.
Calliegh had asked him not two days ago about the chain she had seen hanging around his neck, something he wished he hadn't had to hide but never taken off either. He'd simply told her it was important and he didn't want to take it off. But now pulling out the chain with a ring on it and realised it was more than that.
After the shooting, after the case was done and Horatio had to face the fact that Tim wasn't ever coming home again he'd cleared out Tim's stuff in a rage. A rage of despair. He had known how unfair life was. He had faced the unfairness of life at an early age coming home to find his beloved mother dead at his father's feet had been the start. He had deadicated his life to helping others. He saw death on a daily basis his life revolved around it.
Tim's had too but somehow he was the light in Horatio's world. His shield against the darkness that often threatened to engulf him and when Tim hadn't come home it was like a damn had broken. His reason had disappeared. He had known even then that he would go on but he would become a shadow watching as life passed him by through the glass window of his office.
The only thing he had left of Tim, his lover, his life was a his sketch book in which most of the pages had his lover on them, a beach ball he couldn't care to throw out, it had his lover's breath in it the last of his life. That beach ball had all that was left of his lover in it. And the ring. The one half of a set. The other he had made sure was buried with his lover. The last connection to Tim and he couldn't bare to let go of that.
Said I' feeling kinda low
And I'm feeling broken up
Coz we have never been apart
He looked down at the ring on the chain in his hand. A year. It was almost a year. It didn't feel like it. He sometimes woke up in the night and reached for Tim only to go cold when he realised he wasn't there. Or woke up after a dream so real that he felt his loss like a physical blow when reality hit.
Wearing that ring on would mean that tiny part of the spark Tim had once brought to his life would remain. He couldn't think of taking it off, not yet. He knew that if Tim could see him he'd probably be tearing his hair out. Tim for all the darkness he had faced he'd tried to live his life for the moment and move past the demons that had shadowed his past. Logically Horatio knew this was not Tim would have wanted for him. Emotionally he just couldn't see past the pain yet.
Horatio, before Tim had accepted death for what it was and tried to move on. He had strived to be that way but then he had had Tim and he never thought he'd have to loose Tim either. The grief was like a sickness a sickness that even a year on showed no signs of abating.
And it if he was truthful he still wasn't sure he was over it. He figured it wasn't something you got over, simply something that faded with time always there but less painful. Horatio just wasn't sure there would ever be a time it didn't feel like his heart was being ripped out. It certainly didn't feel like it right now.
It had taken him so long to admit that his feelings for the scruffy CSI were more than platonic and even longer to admit that he loved him. It had taken him so long to even admit it he had almost missed his chance.
He smiled remembering their first night together. Luckily for Horatio Speed knew what he wanted and had decided to take a chance. Banished his demons enough to take a leap of faith. Horatio had never been more thankful. He knew he'd have never approached the younger man.
Horatio walked along the beach as he remembered his lover. He had been so happy. Then just when he thought he couldn't get any happier it had all crashed down around him. Horatio pulled a hand through his hair and looked at the waves. He had always loved the ocean. It was a love he had shared with Speed. Miami had suited both of them.
God he missed his lover.
Yeah,
Hey I'm missin you
He and Tim used to come here before all hell had broken loose. Now he came here when he felt like he most needed it. When he felt he'd almost die from the pain. But of course Horatio Caine couldn't be seen to be hurting. He comforted everyone else but he himself couldn't be seen to be hurting so when the pain made him feel like he was about to be ripped away he came here to let the roar of the waves absorb his silent screams and the anger in the swells reflect his own.
There were times when he thought he was about to be ripped apart. There was an ache in his heart that refused to go away and no matter where he went it was always there. He would be walking along the beach and he'd think for a moment he'd seen Tim and then he'd be gone and the pain would be worse than before.
Tim had been his light. The one person that truly knew him. Saw his light and knew his secrets saw the darkness in him and loved him anyway. The knowledge that Tim would never again be with him was still hard to handle. He'd never hold his lover, speak to him, see his smile again. He was gone forever and he wasn't coming back as much as Horatio wished differently.
They'd "celebrated" Tim's life. Raised a glass for Speed but for Horatio it wasn't enough. It wasn't nearly enough for the person who had stolen his heart and rode off with it. Now he had no hopes of ever getting back, not that he really wanted it back. Speed could keep it. He'd collect it again one day.
He had stood stone faced at the funeral, watched as Speed's parents received the flag and Horatio had promised himself he wouldn't cry. He would break down later, and he had. The moment Sylvia, Speed's mom had given him the flag. Tim had been an officer, a good CSI ad they'd given him a good send off, one he hoped that if Tim could see it he knew he was well liked and respected. Although Horatio was sure Tim wouldn't care about any of that.
He hadn't thought it possible to miss someone as much as he missed Speed. He hadn't thought it possible to love someone as much as he had loved him. He'd never said it enough while Tim was alive but the pain proved just how much he had.
He was hurting but he refused to let himself feel the pain he couldn't afford too. This was his fault. He should have made sure Tim was cleaning his gun, should have made his sure his lover was okay he was so wrapped up then. Now it was too late. Now he was gone.
Horatio tried not to think of those last moments when he had felt Tim slip away. He closed his eyes and tried not to think of Tim's last few moments in his arms. He tried to think of him the last time they'd been together at his house and they'd had food and kisses over wine.
That was how he wanted to remember his lover but the knowledge that Tim had died in his arms just would not let him go. Sometimes it hurt too much to think about Tim at all and then he felt so guilty.
Said I'm missin' you like crazy
Baby all the time
Said I'm missin' you like crazy
It was still so hard to think of his lover as gone. Even a year on he often found himself at the beach looking at the waves talking to his lover. Sometimes he found himself at his grave chatting about things he knew he couldn't talk about with anyone else. Tim had always understood him more than anyone else.
"Hey Speed," He whispered when he finally left the beach and made it to his lover's grave site. He brought his lover his weekly red rose. He placed it on the tomb stone that marked his grave. He'd always left Tim a rose every week while he was alive he saw no reason to stop no he was gone. It was one of the things that still made sense in a world that completely confused him. In a world he had to be strong even when he didn't feel like it.
"Brought another rose. It's the best. Don't roll your eyes at me I know you love them. don't think I don't know you kept all the ones I brought you. I found them pressed." He smiled then sighed and knelt down by the gravestone touching the other flowers that were there. "I see Alex is keeping the place tidy."
"Why did you have to leave me Tim, you know I'm lost without you." He said. "I thought we were going to tell them. I thought you wanted them to know. God knows I did. I'd have done anything for you."
"I know life isn't fair, but at the risk of sounding like a child this really isn't fair." He touched the tombstone and closed his eyes. He knew he wasn't the easiest person to understand but Tim had made it easy.
Even now he could see his lover stood with his hands in his jeans pockets and his head cocked to one side and looking at him saying, "You need a break H." Horatio could see his smile and his hand held out to Horatio as he offered him that break.
Coz you're on my mind
Said I'm missin' you like crazy
He smiled thinking about it and it eased the pain just a little bit. "I'm still at the crime lab. I'm still holding it together. Trying to make sure Eric doesn't rip Ryan's head off." He stopped a minute. "They must think they're fooling everyone but I've seen the way they look at each other. Although I wish they didn't make me feel like I'm about to clean blood off the lab floor." He shook his head, wondering if they would ever get it.
I'm still making sure Calleigh is okay, that Alex is okay." He touched the stone again. "Something's just don't change." He said
"I see Alex has been again. Still looking after her baby. I wonder what she would say if she knew about us. probably hit me for not telling her. I don't think the crime lab would believe it. Or maybe they wouldn't be surprised. I know Ryan would believe it. But then he knew didn't he? You're best friend. He says he'll be by later to see you."
Horatio looked up at the clear blue sky. "It's such a clear day today Speed. I've just come from the beach. You always did love the sun didn't you?
Baby all the time
Said I'm missin' you
Missin you like crazy
He looked again at the clear blue sky and thought of all the things he had done with Tim. He remembered how Tim used to love watching the sun rise across the sea and Horatio could remember Tim with that smile on his face that was his alone as the sun rose.
They'd watch it rise fuelled with kisses. Tim always looked so beautiful in the first light of dawn. Now he was alone in the first light of dawn and it didn't feel right. His house was too empty, too big. Just like his heart.
Every little thing reminded him of Tim and he had never thought he could love like he had. It wasn't as if he had never loved before. He had once been married but that had been nothing compared to what he had with him. He never imagined that one day he would turn around and Tim wouldn't be there.
Why had he never told Tim enough? The thought filled him with anguish.
So I'm walking down the street feeling lonely and sad
Couples walking by hand in hand lookin mighty glad
He put his head in his hands a rare show of emotion now he was alone. He had never told Speed enough, never done enough to make sure he knew. He had been Horatio's everything probably always would be. He could never see the hole in his heart being filled. The pain was so intense Horatio just couldn't see how it would ever be alright again.
He knew that he would have to be sooner or later. Miami couldn't keep itself safe but in the middle of his pain Horatio wished for once there was someone who cared as much as he did. Wished that he had cared less and spent more time worrying about when the next date with his lover was going to be instead of how he was going to solve the next case.
He knew that his job was important, his job had made him everything he was today. He knew without it he would have never met Tim. He wasn't going to deny that being Lieutenant of the crime lab was a part of him as anything in his life was but now it was too late he realized Tim had meant everything and more.
He had know the dangers of the job the same as everyone else they just hadn't seemed as close as they did now. He knew he had never cared about his own safety but the safety of his team meant everything to him. And he had failed.
The one person that had truly made him happy. Speed had been the light of his life. Made the life he had made in Miami all that more bearable with both of them running from demons left long ago in New York. And now Horatio wasn't really sure what he was doing. His heart had died along with Speed on the floor of the jewellery store. How did you live when the person that give you life had had theirs taken from them? That was the struggle Horatio dealt with daily. And if he was truthful it wasn't something he didn't have the answer too. He didn't think he would ever have a good enough answer. He had lost the one person he loved most in the world too soon.
Everytime I think of you the tears appear
Got a broken heart baby coz I need you here
Horatio thought about Tim all the time. He thought about the day he had lost his lover. How though he'd tried to keep Tim alive he had failed. How Alexx had made him give his lover to her. He hadn't wanted to let go.
He couldn't let go he knew he would always love Tim didn't think there would ever be a time he didn't think of him. Horatio found himself wincing as he thought about. It had been almost a year and still sometimes it just didn't seemed real. He still expected Tim to walk through the door of the trace lab and demand to know who had been messing with his toys. It was all just wrong.
His heart felt like it was being ripped apart.
Said' I'm feeling kinda lonely and I've got a broken heart
And I don't know what to do coz we're so far apart
He knew he would have to leave soon but it got harder to leave every time he came. He knew he was being idiotic but he felt like he was abandoning his lover every time he walked away. standing by his lover's grave in the bright sunshine, and especially early morning, Tim's favourite time of day the pain didn't feel so soul crushing.
He regretted that he had never gotten the chance to tell their friends. To tell them that he was with the one person he planned to be with for the rest of his life. If he could he'd go back to that moment outside the jewellery store and demand to see Tim's gun. Send him back to the lab.
He had been pleased he had the had the case to run, the little boy to find. It had kept his mind focused though it wasn't until afterwards it truly hit him. It wasn't until afterwards he faced what the end of the case meant.
He would never see Tim again. Would never touch him again. Never see him in the lab arguing with Eric. His lover was gone and he wasn't coming back no matter how many times Horatio had wished it differently.
Said I'm feeling kinda loney and my heart's torn away
and no one is gonna keep us apart
He'd never hear his lover's sarcastic voice or hear him mumbling to himself when he was piecing together the puzzle. But, the most important and most painful realisation he had had, that didn't happen until after the funeral was that he would never get the chance to tell Tim that he loved him. Just one more time.
He'd been such a fool, he knew more than anyone else that life wasn't definite. But he had been drunk on love and forgotten. Tim had his heart and he hadn't made sure that Tim knew exactly what he meant to Horatio.
Foolish. One of the worst mistakes he had ever made. Speed had had his heart for so long and he wasn't even sure Tim had known. He prayed wherever he was now he knew and hew as listening.
Said I'm missin' you like crazy
Baby all the time
Said I'm missin' you like crazy
He still found it hard to walk around Miami and not find something that reminded him of Tim. Tim had well and truly left his mark on Miami and on Horatio. Miami was his life just has Tim had been. Now he drove around it's streets in the hummer and couldn't stop the loneliness knowing Tim was not there.
He saw other couples walking down the street and was almost jealous of their happiness. He wanted that back again. But he wanted it with Tim something he knew he just couldn't have. How could you survive with this much pain?
He closed his eyes and remembered the first time Tim had approached him. It had been just after Dispo Day and Tim had put his heart on the line saying he wanted to take a chance. He was sick of the undercurrent of tension and neither one of them making a move.
Horatio had been unsure at first but he had watched Tim walk out of his office and been terrified that he had just let the best thing in his life walk away. He decided to take a chance. Tim hadn't even got down the corridor before Horatio caught up with him.
They'd had dinner together and simply walked along the beach both taking comfort in the waves as they talked. Then they had ended up back at Tim's apartment and neither of them had looked back.
A year later Horatio had got them the rings, just for them. as far as he was concerned that was it for him. He had been sure Tim felt the same but it was an enormous leap of faith just the same. He would never forget the look on Tim's face or the night that followed it.
Or the absolute elation he had felt when he had seen Tim in the lab the next day and saw the glint of the ring on its chain the next day.
He knew Alexx had found the ring, he suspected she knew but she had never asked and he had never said. It was just to painful now Tim wasn't there.
Coz you're on my mind
Said I'm missing you like crazy
Baby all the time
Horatio squatted down beside Tim grave stone not caring that he had been here far longer than he had wanted to be. He much preferred to talk to Tim by the sea not here, not where Tim didn't belong but he was here now. He'd stay for a while.
"H?" A voice asked softly.
Horatio turned his mask already in place. But it was only Ryan. Horatio felt his mask splinter a bit. Ryan had known the truth about Speed and himself. He had been Speed's friend for a long time. In turn Horatio was still the only one that knew that Ryan felt the pain of loss for Tim Speedle the same way the rest of the lab did.
"Ryan." He said his voice so clogged with emotion he wasn't even sure how he had managed to get it to work. "I was just going to chat. But I'll come by later." Ryan turned to leave and Horatio had to stop him.
"Ryan don't. Not because I'm here." Ryan stopped and watched him for a moment before he said, "I'll stay a minute. I brought him something." He knelt down touching the headstone a minute. "Hey Speed. Long time no speak. I promise I won't stay away so long next time. He placed a miniature figure of a Ducati at the grave and then stood up.
Ryan smiled softly. "I figure wherever he is he's missing his Ducati. Only fair I give him one. Although he's probably rolling his eyes at me right now." Horatio had to smile. He couldn't not. Because Ryan was right if Speed could see the miniature he'd be bitching that it wasn't a real bike.
"H?" Ryan said softly gripping his boss's arm. "In time it will get better you know." Ryan closed his eyes. "I know it doesn't seem like it now but it will get better. It won't ever disappear but it'll get better, easier to deal with."
"Thanks Ryan." Horatio said softly. He looked at his youngest charge. "I needed to hear that. I don't quite believe it yet." Ryan gripped his arm again. "It will." Horatio felt his heart lift slightly.
Said I'm missin' you
Missin you like crazy
No, no, no,
I'm missing you
Horatio looked at Ryan and then said, "Now let me give you some advice. Don't wait." Ryan looked at him confused.
"Wait for what?" Horatio shook his head. "Don't do that. Don't think I haven't seen the way you and Eric look at each other. Even though you try and rip each other's head off. What happened? You were starting to get on well?"
Ryan ducked his head. "Nothing." Horatio forced Ryan to look at him. "That's what you came to talk to Speed about isn't it?" Ryan didn't look at him. In fact he fought hard not to look at him. Horatio sighed.
"Ryan, nothing in this life is ever set in stone. You of all people should know this. Don't waste a chance. Take the leap of faith. Believe me he might listen."
"That's why were fighting." Ryan said before he could stop himself. His eyes went huge and he looked away from Horatio. "You slept with him?" Ryan fought with himself and then nodded. "Ryan do you honestly think I'm going to judge you for your interest in another man? That would make me very hypocritical wouldn't it?"
"I know that." Ryan said. "I'm just so used to hiding it. The force isn't known for it's open mindedness. Horatio nodded.
"Of course. Look, whatever happened between you talk to Eric about it. you might be surprised. But don't let the chance pass you by. Believe me you'll regret it. if you take the chance you can always say you did. I think Eric will listen. I've seen the way he looks at you when he's sure you aren't looking."
Horatio looked at Ryan. "It's up to you to give him the push he needs." Horatio put his hand on Ryan's shoulder and said, "Think about it. Talk to Speed about it." Then he put his sunglasses on and smiled slightly before he left the cemetery.
Said I'm missin' you like crazy
Baby all the time
I care about you baby
He hadn't been ready to leave the cemetery but he knew Ryan needed the time to think things through. Horatio just missed his lover. Needed to be close to him. He headed back to his hummer and started driving not really sure where he was going. It was rare he wasn't at the crime lab and he briefly thought of heading there but decided against it. he would be no good to anyone in the mood he was in.
He had to be at his best if he was going to work. He had be what the victims needed, what they deserved. He couldn't be what they needed right now and he knew it. As he drove over the cause way he pushed the gas pedal just that little bit more watching the needle climb on the speed.
This was another way he felt close to his lover. Tim's nickname had really suited him and Speed was never happier than when he was flying along the cause way on that death trap he called a bike. Horatio smiled at the memory of them flying along together. Tim had teased him for weeks about his hidden speed demon.
He finally pulled the car to a halt along a stretch of beach he knew wouldn't be so crowded. He put on his sunglasses and enjoyed the feel of the wind on his skin before heading closer to the waves.
Said I'm missin' you like crazy
Coz you're on my mind
Said I'm missing you like crazy
Baby all the time
He sat down on the sand and looked out to the sea. If he concentrated enough he could almost feel Tim there wrapped round him. He wished he'd told Tim more. Wished…
He hadn't done it enough in Tim's life and he knew that now. He tried to make sure that Tim never doubted him now. It was too late now but he still felt compelled to do it. Horatio had never been a great believer in God, he had been raised Catholic and he had tried to keep that faith but he just couldn't hold onto it. Not after what he had seen and the life he had led. He had lost that faith the moment he had realised what his father was capable of.
Lost his faith when even after prayer after prayer God had ignored his pleas to keep his mother safe and she had ended up dead at his feet. Caught up in a family he had tried to protect even though it lived in the shadow of world war three caused by his bastard of a father.
Horatio had never talked about it but it was one of the reasons he had left New York and another reason he was fanatical about keeping those he loved safe. He had failed once and now he and now he had failed again. That knowledge was almost too much to bare.
Horatio was young when he realised God must have given up on the Caine family. He'd tried to re-find his faith so many times in his life but how could he believe in God when if there was one when his mother had been bludgeoned to death by the one person that was meant to love her?
How could he believe in God when he had finally found the person he loved more in the world and now he had been taken from Horatio too. And that was why Horatio always failed to find the faith he knew he had once had. There was no God. There was only destruction and those who choose to fight it.
Horatio looked down as he felt tears leaking down his face. His heart ached. Why was nothing simple? Why was he not allowed his happy ever after? Why did he have to loose Speed. He looked at the waves hearing the roar that seemed to match his anger, his aguish his loss.
Now as he looked at the waves he prayed, he prayed though he had lost his faith that wherever Tim was he was safe and he understood. Horatio had been full of Darkness with so many ghosts but he prayed that Tim knew. That he had loved him with everything he had and that Horatio was sorry he hadn't been able to protect him like he should have.
Said I'm missin' you
Missin you like crazy
You got me thinking about you baby,
Staring your photograph
Horatio looked up and the sky and then out at the sea where the sun was beginning to sink. He closed his eyes his heart ached.
"Tell him I loved him won't you?" He whispered to the wind. "Tell him I loved him with everything I was. Everything I had to give." Then he thought about it and sais, "Tell him that I sill love him and he can keep my heart. I don't want it back. Tell him I still love him with everything I have." He felt the wind pick up and he felt it almost like a caress on his face and sighed.
How was it possible to miss a person so much? It made his heart want to bleed with loss. He had never been someone to wish for the impossible but he had caught himself wishing so much over the last year he wondered if he would ever stop.
He watched as the sun began to sink further and knew he would have to leave soon but couldn't bring himself to leave just yet. He watched as the colours of dusk danced across the sky and knew it was going to be one hell of a sunset tonight. Speed would have loved it and he remembered all the sunset's they had watched sat on the beach like he was now.
Damn it everything reminded him of his lover. He drew a shaky breath. He would have to leave soon. "I love you Speed. I hope you know that." He whispered it to the wind almost inaudible over the roar of the waves.
He stood after a moment intent on making his way back to the Hummer. "Remember what I said Speed. I meant it." He turned from the sea dusting off the sand from his suit and making sure his sunglasses were in place. he had to leave, even if right now it was the last thing he wanted to do. His heart ached to much to torture himself by making him stay.
He was almost back at the hummer when the light seemed to dance across the beach and the sun seemed to freeze in its place just touching the ocean. The light seemed to dance right across the beach and bathe it in a beautiful purple light.
Horatio looked around expecting to see the whole beach covered in the light but that was not the case. He smiled as he saw the first hints of pink and purple dancing across the beach. The play of colours was truly beautiful. He smiled and continued to walk the sun covering the sea like a blazing halo.
At that moment he heard a laugh. Horatio! Horatio froze his eyes huge behind his sunglasses. It couldn't have been it was just his heart playing tricks on him. He was just missing his lover far too much. Today had got to him more than he thought.
He started to walk forward again when he heard it again. Horatio! He shook his head. It couldn't be but Tim's voice watched over him like a caress. He promised himself he wouldn't turn back but he found himself doing it anyway.
He hadn't want to he was too used to the harsh realities of life to believe in something but he couldn't stop himself.
Said I'm missing you
Said I just…
I don't wanna live, don't wanna live,
His heart froze as he stared. Back where he had been sat the sun glowed on the outine of a person. "H!" The person seemed to wave at him and a wave of happiness washed over him.
He choked on the tears he'd tried to down all day. "Speed." He whispered. He watched as the figure seemed to put his hands on hips and nod. Then his voice came again, "who else I love you H." Horatio swallowed the lump in his throat. "I'm sorry." He whispered. "God, Speed why didn't you tell me?" Horatio whispered. "Don't feel guilty for something you couldn't have changed. I was so used to fighting the darkness alone it had captured me before I thought to reach for you."
Horatio shook his head. "That doesn't make it easier. I should have seen. You were my life I should have helped you. I should…" he trailed off. Horatio felt the tears he had tried to hold back falling down his face. "God Speed I'm so sorry I never told you enough. I never told you all of what I want to say…"
"Horatio," Tim's voice was like a caress across his cheek. "All that matters is that I love you. And I will be waiting for you. Always." Tim offered him a smile, the smile that Horatio would give his right arm to see. The smile that was his alone.
"I'll be watching you."
Tim took a step towards him and in the dancing Miami sunlight caught something around his neck. Horatio's heart leapt when he realised it was the ring. Tim had it still. Horatio gripped his own through his shirt.
"I'll be waiting for you, but it's not your time. I love you." Tim took another step forward and said, "Please H don't feel guilty. I don't blame you. I love you."
"Speed I never told you…" "I always knew how could I not?" Speed said with a blinding smile. "You loved me with everything you were the same as I did you. I still do. And I'll wait for you." Then Speed was gone but the Sun seemed to wink at him. Horatio turned and left the beach his heart lighter than it had been in weeks.
The pain of losing Speed would never truly go away, he knew that. But he also knew now that he couldn't dishonour Tim's memory by not living what life he had left.
His encounter with Speed might not have been really but it had felt real. That was what mattered. As he left the beach he felt his heart soar. He had loved Tim with all he had in life and he still did in death. And one day he knew they would be together again but now he knew it wasn't his time.
At least not yet.
Horatio left the beach and returned to his family, a dysfunctional family that had so many arguments it was hard to keep up but they accepted him as he accepted them. And night feel a star winked down at him from the sky waiting for the day he would see him again.
Horatio may have lost Tim now but he knew he would be with him again one day. There was plenty of time for that. He had forever
And for him, Timothy Speedle would wait forever.
Said I'm missin' you