Learning to Live

by Josephine Stone

Harry and Draco are dating but Harry is hiding something, and Draco thinks it's him.

Recipient: nathalieweasley
Title: Learning to Live
Beta(s): digthewriter
Word Count/Art Medium: 4580
Rating: R
Content: Amiesa, some Muggle Living, no warnings.
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to JK Rowling and associates. No copyright infringement intended.
Summary: Harry and Draco are dating but Harry is hiding something, and Draco thinks it's him.
Author's Note: I'd like to thank my beta and the mods for their patience with me.

---

'So,' Draco said. 'What do I do now?'

The doctor smiled at him reassuringly. It was probably what all his patients asked. Without a home to go to, a job to help support themselves, friends or family to rely on, nor any memories to help guide them: what do they do?

'I suggest that you live.'

#

Draco was probably the worst receptionist the hospital ever hired, but he prided himself on always being on time. Which is why it took every ounce of self control to not overreact when someone had bumped into him on his way out of the Espresso Room and covered them both in Draco's morning coffee.

From the look on the man's face, Draco would have called it love at first sight, if he believed in such a thing. Either way, the man stumbled over himself, stuttering and perfect.

'I'm so, so sorry. I can't believe I ran into you l-like t-this. Are you alright?'

'It's only coffee,' Draco said, glad he got a good look at the man before saying something he would have eventually regretted. He backed into the coffee house and someone who had witnessed the entire ordeal had napkins ready. As they cleaned themselves up, Draco said, 'I'm Draco,' and paused dabbing his coffee stained shirt to offer his newly cleaned hand to the man.

The man looked more surprised at that than he had right after the coffee exploded.

'I'm serious; it's only coffee. I'm not angry.'

The man took Draco's hand and shook it. 'I'm Harry?' He said it as though he wasn't quite sure about that himself. 'Let me get you a new coffee.' His words stumbled out, just as unsure of themselves as he was of his name.

Harry was cute. Not ruggedly handsome, but he was rather odd. He kept glancing up at Draco as they ordered and then waited for their coffee, but quickly looked away if Draco attempted to make eye contact.

And though it made Draco half an hour late to work, he chatted as Harry bought him a new coffee, and he gave Harry his mobile number before tearing himself away.

The job was a favour. He'd woken up in the middle of the country without any idea of who he was. A local farmer drove him to the nearest town's hospital and then he was transferred to London. While working with the doctors there, they'd lost the second receptionist, and his doctor thought it would be good for him. One, because he needed the money. Two, because he needed to learn how to live, again.

Which he hadn't felt he was really doing, until Harry ran into him.

He had to fight himself to keep from checking his mobile all day. He was excited and nervous all at once. His world had revolved around struggling to find his lost memories for the last six months, and though his doctor encouraged him to get out and live a little, it was still a frightening prospect.

What would Harry think, when he told him?

#

'The best way is quick, like a bandaid.' The doctor was young and just at the beginning of his career. His optimism wasn't as contagious as Draco wished it would be.

'Right,' Draco said.

But he took the advice none the less. Harry called right when Draco was leaving the office at the end of his day, and they agreed to met for dinner. He worked 'just down the street' and would meet Draco outside a nearby pub.

Before Harry even had a chance to say hello, Draco blurted out that he'd lost all his memories six months prior. He could create new memories, but had nothing from his past.

'Sorry,' Draco said. 'That was a bit sudden, wasn't it?'

Harry laughed. 'A bit.' But he didn't look at Draco as though he was mental, so Draco pushed through his nervousness.

'It's just that first dates are all about: who you are, what you like, and stories from your life. And I don't have any of that. I'm still working on figuring out what I like, and I might never find out who I am.'

'Well, I think most of us are still trying to figure out what we like.' Harry blushed as he looked Draco and up down. 'This is my first time out with—well, out.'

'Oh!' Draco's sexauality was the first thing he'd figured out. His doctor was quite handsome, but Harry revelation made Draco realize that he'd yet to voice it himself. 'This'll be the first I remember.'

They were both equally clueless as to what they were doing and as Harry's shoulders relaxed, Draco could feel the knots in his stomach loosen as well. He liked the idea of figuring it out with Harry.

#

Draco forgot to flip the switch by the door on his way in, again.

His mobile rang as he shuffled backwards in the dark to feel the wall for the switch. Smiling, he answered it and forgot about the light.

'You didn't have to call,' Draco said. 'I told you I'd be fine.'

'Maybe, I just wanted to hear the sound of your voice.'

'You're hopeless. You should have just come up.'

And then the line went quiet. Any time Draco came near the subject of them being more than friends—which it was quite obvious to everyone that they were—Harry would freeze up.

Draco sighed as the lingering silence ruined the moment, again. 'Will I see you tomorrow?'

'Of course.' Harry sounded offended. 'I'll bring you lunch.' Draco mouthed the words as Harry said them and smiled again, hanging up.

The room was dark but it was just after sunset. Harry always had early nights, even on the weekends. Draco flipped the switch and went to make himself a drink. He tried to not let that bother him, but he couldn't help it. What obligation was keeping him away at night, even when he didn't have to work the next day?

And—Harry still had yet to kiss him.

He couldn't help but wonder if everyone was reading Harry wrong. He was such an odd man. Maybe he really wasn't interested in anything other than friendship with Draco. Draco could use a friend either way; except . . . it just wasn't how he felt about Harry.

Draco wanted Harry to kiss him and eventually, it began to be the only thing Draco thought about. He didn't want to be pushy, but he didn't want to wait either. Harry had told him once that all he ever wanted was to be ordinary, and Draco decided that he agreed.

Their lives were ordinary and he was satisfied with that.

Only, Draco feared, that meant he'd keep Draco in hiding forever.

#

'We need to talk.' Draco slowed his pace as they were getting closer to his flat. He wanted to get this over with before they made it there.

Harry tried to laugh. 'That's never a good thing.'

'If you don't come upstairs with me, if you can't even kiss me, I'm not sure I want you to come by tomorrow.' Draco had thought about what he wanted to say all day, and decided that demanding a relationship wasn't fair. If Harry only wanted friendship, he could do that, but he needed some time away from him first. 'I can't keep doing this in-between thing. Either you're interested in me or you aren't, and if you aren't then I need some space.'

'Oh.' Harry was quiet for a moment and then he pulled Draco to him. There was no one around, but Harry didn't pause to look before he kissed Draco. Slowly at first but it grew more forceful as Draco kissed back, and then Harry stopped— 'I can kiss you.' He kissed him again, but only a quick one. 'I have no problem with kissing you.'

Draco snorted. 'Only dating then?' It bothered him that Harry could see it as nothing, and then kiss him as if it were nothing after making Draco wait for it so long.

'I thought we were dating . . .' Harry closed his eyes and kissed him, again. He took a breath before he explained, 'I just don't want you to grow to hate me.'

'Why would I? Harry, you can't go into every new relationship, expecting it to turn out like your last one.'

Harry opened his eyes and pulled back. 'That's not why—' He took a step back and another moment to gather his thoughts. 'Um, right. Yes, you're right. I know that.'

'Okay?'

'You're not the first person I've dated since my divorce, but you're the first I've been afraid to lose.' Harry pulled on Draco's hand, until Draco fell in step beside him. 'Let's go upstairs.'

Draco was afraid to get his hopes up. He entered the flat casually with Harry turning on the light as he came in behind him. Before he had a chance to face him, Harry wrapped his arms around Draco and began kissing the back of his neck. Draco covered Harry's hands with his own and leaned into the embrace. A moment later, his trousers were undone and Harry was sneaking his hand inside his pants.

'The condoms are in the nightstand in my bedroom,' Draco said and Harry stopped moving against him.

'What?'

Draco turned to face him, and slipped his arms around Harry. 'The condoms are—'

'I'm sorry, sorry. I was caught up in what I was doing.' Harry laughed at himself. 'I was caught up in what I was doing . . . of course, condoms.'

'Are you sure you're ready for this?' Draco asked, weary of Harry's reaction.

'Yes.' Harry pressed his erection more firmly against Draco's to emphasise his point. 'I'm fine. It's nothing like that.'

'Alright, the bedroom is to the left.'

Once in the bedroom with condom in hand—which Harry seemed to eye uncertainly—Harry didn't waste a second before pulling Draco on top of him on the bed. Faster than Draco thought possible, Harry had them both naked, and brought their erections together. Draco quickly prepared himself while Harry fumbled with the condom.

Draco couldn't help it and a laugh escaped. 'Don't be nervous.'

'I'm not; I promise I'm not.'

'Well, you're going to break it.' He set aside the lube and took the condom from Harry. He stroked him, and when Harry was hard enough, again, Harry relaxed into Draco's touch. Draco hadn't had much sex in the six months he'd woken up without his memories, but he made a point to learn how to use a condom.

Brushing stray hair off Draco's face, Harry caught Draco's gaze and asked, 'How do you want to do this?'

'I thought that was fairly obvious?' Draco wanted Harry in him.

Harry blushed and smiled. 'I caught that. I mean what position.'

'I don't care. I want you to show me that you really want me. I want you to wipe all the doubts from my mind.'

'Fuck.' Harry looked around as though he'd lost something, and then shook his head. 'Fuck.'

'Are you okay?' Draco asked, worried for him.

'Yes, I just—there are so many things I want to do to you right now, but I can't.' Harry kissed him before Draco could ask what he meant by that, and because Draco didn't want anything to stop them again he didn't ask. 'I want you, please, don't ever question that again.'

Draco nodded; they began kissing again. Harry stroked Draco's cock and then pulled him onto his lap. He guided Draco's hips and then his erection into Draco not allowing Draco to move. Draco moaned as he began to rock his hips only to have Harry still them a moment later.

'I'm supposed to be showing you, remember?'

'Fuck.' Draco wouldn't last long either way. Because he couldn't remember anything, he couldn't remember ever feeling like this about someone before. It didn't matter that Harry was a bit clumsy and put himself in an awkward position to be doing all of the work, because Draco could have come from just the kissing.

Harry's hands trailed over Draco's back. 'Merlin, Malfoy, you smell so good; I forgot how good you smelled.' Then he grabbed Draco's hips and fell backwards to get better leverage, still refusing to let Draco move. 'You look so good like this; you always looked so fucking good . . .'

Draco grabbed his cock quickly; he wouldn't last much longer, but he could tell Harry wouldn't either as he babbled more nonsense. His eyes rolled back and closed, then they were both coming.

After a couple deep breaths, Draco fell next Harry—their heads at the foot of the bed—and kissed his neck.

'Is this real?'

Draco laughed. 'Of course, it's real.' He understood, though. Draco often felt as though he were dreaming and about to wake up. That if he touched him too much or held to tightly, he'd disappear. Having Harry inside him, had been both surreal and terrifying.

'Next time we should have glasses of water waiting. The kitchen is so far away.'

'I'll get it.' Draco slowly sat up and said, 'Perhaps, next time could be at your flat.'

#

Harry's flat was a huge house that hadn't been updated since maybe the '40's.

'Why do you have curtains over all your paintings?' Draco asked curiously. There had to be a story there. Harry seemed to attract the bizarre. On more than one occasion random homeless men stopped Harry in the street to shake his hand. He just shrugged and said he'd done a lot of charity work.

'Um.' Harry walked quickly through the house, and Draco almost had to jog to keep up with him as Harry led him into the kitchen. 'They're really horrible paintings.' His voice was low as though he was afraid as if someone could hear them talking about the paintings and Harry needed to keep them a secret.

Draco laughed. 'Then why don't you get rid of them?'

'Can't.'

'Is there a curse that keeps you from updating this place?' Draco asked, joking. Perhaps it wasn't really that odd for people to hid their paintings. Draco hadn't been to many homes, yet. 'Should I be watching out for your eccentric great aunt? Is she hiding in the attic? Is that why you've been so hesitant to have me around here?'

Harry rolled his eyes and finally smiled at that. 'You'll never change, um, no. I did inherit this house, but as I've told you I have no family left.'

'You said you were orphaned as a baby and raised by your aunt, not that you had no family.'

'Well, my aunt's family is my only family and I'm better off with none, in that case.' Harry looked everywhere except at Draco, and kept walking around the kitchen fiddling with things. 'My aunt lives with her husband in Surrey. I have no family here.'

Draco noticed that Harry didn't say that he lived alone. Harry was a master of this tactic. He answered only the questions he was asked and nothing more, obviously hiding something—but what? Harry's fiddling became more purposeful as he began to cook.

After dinner, when Harry was sneaking—every time they switched rooms Harry was on guard as though someone would pop out of nowhere and catch them together—Draco through the sitting room to get to the staircase two people, a man and a woman, burst through the door.

The couple's eyes darted in between Draco and Harry, and they all stared at each other as though the other person was the most frightening thing they'd ever seen.

Before anyone could speak Harry grabbed the couple and all but dragged them toward the kitchen. 'I just need to talk to them for a minute, and I'll be right back.'

Draco could hear muffled conversation, but not anything clear enough to know what was going on. Then all three returned in under a minute. Harry was grinning as though if he smiled big enough nothing about the situation would be awkward at all, but the other two looked confused and angry.

Had he just came out to them? Like that?

'Hi,' Harry said. 'This is Ron and Hermione, they're my friends.'

'His best friends,' Ron, the gangly, red haired man, clarified.

The woman, Hermione, had light brown hair and an angry look about her in all her movements. 'He's hardly attempting to steal the title, Ron.'

'Okay,' Harry said far too happily. 'I'll see you later.' Harry walked over and gestured for Draco to follow him. 'We're going upstairs.'

'Upstairs!' Ron said at the same time as Hermione said, 'Harry, are you sure that's a good idea?'

'Later! I'll talk to you about it, later.' He practically pulled Draco up the stairs to his room, and then returned his fiddling with things; although, at a much faster pace than he had in previous rooms.

'Do they live here?' Draco asked.

'No, they just worry about me and visit often.'

Draco smirked. 'You're just going to leave them downstairs?'

'They know their way out.' Harry shrugged. 'Besides, they both have families and children to get back to. They wouldn't have stayed long. I just never know when they're going to decide to show up.'

'You're a rather odd person; you know that, Harry?'

'Oh?'

'I still like you, though.'

Harry relaxed into an easy smile, and it caused Draco's stomach to flutter. People smiled at him everyday, why did Harry's smile have such an effect on him? He took a few steps toward Harry and then kissed him, before backing towards Harry's bed.

'I believe it is my turn to show you how much I want you.'

Draco planned on it being a very loud demonstration.

#

Harry's lips brushing Draco's neck woke him in the morning. Draco threaded their fingers together and wrapped his arm tighter around him. Harry was acting odd again, putting distance between them instead of pulling Draco closer. His head dropped and he pressed his forehead against Draco's back between his shoulder blades as though he was trying to hide there.

'We need to talk,' Harry mumbled. 'Are you sure that you want nothing to do with your old life?'

'Why does it matter?'

'I'm just curious.'

Draco rolled his eyes. 'Everyone is just curious—'

'Except you.'

'Right,' Draco said. He ran his fingers through Harry's hair, attempting to smooth it down but having the opposite effect. 'Except me.'

Harry pulled Draco's hand out of his hair and brought it to his cheek, then kissed his palm before he continued, 'There is something I haven't told you.'

Draco's heart pounded and he hoped that Harry couldn't feel it. 'Then, tell me.'

'Promise you won't hate me?'

'Harry, we've been over this. Why would I hate you?'

'Because, I know who you are.'

Draco didn't know what to say.

'About your past I mean. I know who you are.'

Draco wasn't angry, but he didn't know what Harry meant. How did Harry know him from before? Had they been together? Worked together? Had Draco been with someone that Harry knew?

Was that why his friends seemed so cross when they saw him?

'Ron is married to one of your closest friends from before, and I didn't want them to know I'd found you because . . . you hadn't wanted to be found. But still, I really wanted to tell you, because there are people that miss you. I was going to tell you. Either way, I promise I was.'

'I'm not angry with you.'

'They know, well, Pansy knows. I'm sure she'll go right to your parents—'

'My parents?' Draco sat up and Harry followed him. There were no missing person reports; Draco had assumed he was an orphan. He couldn't breathe. Had they been looking for him?

'There is so much to tell you, I'm not even sure where to start. But do you even want to know?'

'Of course, I want to know!'

'But—'

'No one was looking for me. I'd been missing for six months and no one even cared that I was gone. I didn't want to make my life all about finding my past only to find out no one from my past wanted me around. But, yes, I want to know.'

Harry wrapped his arms around Draco and then his legs as well. They kissed and then Harry kissed his neck just behind his ear. Draco felt Harry getting turned on again and pulled away from his mouth.

'I want to know.'

'Remember the day we met? How surprised I was?'

Draco nodded.

'I thought—everyone thought—that you had died. There was no search, because your family reported it and we ruled it a suicide. They said you'd been depressed for a while, and they gave us the note you left. We thought you killed yourself someplace we'd never find your body.

'That wasn't six months ago, Draco.' Harry paused to grab Draco's hand. 'It's been thirteen years . . .'

#

Coming home didn't release any new memories, but by then Draco hadn't expected it to. Harry had explained about magic and they took Draco to a Healer. It wasn't a blow to the head but a spell. A self inflicted spell.

He'd left a note before vanishing, and reading it, Draco understood why they ruled his disappearance as a suicide. Harry was an Auror; he'd worked the case. According to Harry's friends, he'd been obsessed. Draco couldn't decide whether to be flattered or worried about that.

Losing one's memories often led to paranoia, his doctor had warned. Draco's mother trusted Harry fully, and Draco saw no reason to mistrust him. But they hadn't been friends.

He moved back home—his room just how he'd left it according to his mother. His mother was glad to have him home, and the hospital was happy to hire a receptionist that knew what they were doing.

'I can't believe all the magic I'd overlooked.'

His mother smiled but said nothing; she tried to pretend nothing had changed and he hadn't been missing for years. But as he learned more about his world, and the more he learned about who Harry was, the more he knew everything was quite different.

Better. People still gave him looks when he went out shopping, and even more so with Harry, but Draco didn't care. It didn't hurt him like it had years before.

Draco snooped about his room; that was what it felt like. Looking through a life that wasn't really his own. He found little. His room was clean and everything had purpose. He never wrote in the margins of books, nor kept a journal with his thoughts. So he had to be content the stories people told.

Everyone kept the details of Harry and Draco's relationship prior to his disappearance quiet. Even his own mother said it was up to Harry to tell him. She didn't know his side, she had said. All she knew was that Draco talked about him all the time—mostly how arrogant he was.

'We were on opposite sides of a war, Draco,' Harry said. 'There isn't much else to tell. We disagreed on everything and neither of us would ever let it go. And I'd like to say that it would have been different without the war, but you grew up rich and I was grew up neglected. We probably would have hated each other no matter what.'

What Draco hated most about this conversation was that he couldn't defend himself. He wanted to say that just because his parents had money didn't stop him from growing up neglected as well—his house didn't make him feel comfortable nor safe, but more as though his every move was being watched—but he didn't have any memories to share with Harry. It was beside the point, anyway. The point was:

'What changed? Why did you ask me out at all?'

Harry snorted. 'The war changed everything. I asked you out to see what had happened to you. Dating you . . . well, that was a surprise for me, actually. I was attracted to you, and I had been even before but I never would have thought about dating you before.

'It was a chance and I had to take it, because I had to see: what would we have been like without our pasts? But I didn't want to hurt you.'

'You didn't . . .' Draco said a bit strained; afraid that their pasts coming back meant Harry was about to hurt him.

Harry wrapped his arms around Draco and buried his face into his neck. Draco held him tightly, but stayed quiet.

'Draco, I love you.'

His chest felt tight, but he managed to return the sentiment: 'I love you, too.'

'I know, but I'm still afraid that you'll learn something that will change that. And it could be anything; some stupid comment I said that someone else remembers and I don't, or something I did that I do remember but that I didn't think to tell you about first.'

'I'm sure I've said and done just as many things.'

Harry nodded as much as he could against Draco's shoulder. 'But it's different. I know everything. And I've already forgiven you. How can you forgive me for things you don't even remember?'

Harry looked at it all wrong. It was easier for Draco because he couldn't remember. He might look, act, or talk like the person they all remember, but he was him. A little part of everyone knew this. They couldn't share or laugh at memories together. Pansy and his mother were coming to terms with that, as he was himself.

'I can't live in the past, Harry.' He forced Harry to look at him and he kissed him. 'Did you do something horrible to me? Did you kill someone I loved or cheat on me and leave me?'

He rolled his eyes. 'You know I haven't.'

'Then quit worrying about me using our past against you. I can't promise I'll never get upset about something I find out, but I can promise that I won't leave you because of it.'

Draco kissed him, before he could say anything else about his fears. Draco was going to live, and though he didn't know what all that would involve it wasn't going to be dependent on things he couldn't remember. He wasn't going to let Harry live in his past anymore either, because he was meant to be part of Draco's future.