There were several reasons why she kept pushing him away. She was scared for starters. She knew how Charlie felt about her. How much he cared about her. He had showed her that when he tried to kiss her last night, but she couldn't do it. She couldn't kiss him back even though she wanted it more than anything. Even though she always dreamt of it. She walked out of there leaving a devastating Charlie alone trying to figure out what he had done wrong. The truth was he hadn't done anything wrong. It was her fault, not his. Before she let him be her friend and before she fell in love with him something happened to her. Something she never told anyone. Letting Charlie in meant she had to reveal one of her biggest secrets. She couldn't do it and she definitely didn't want to.
Amita was sitting alone in her apartment. Her hand found its way underneath the black T-shirt she was wearing and she closed her eyes when she felt the end of the big ugly scar she had on the side of her stomach. The scar was a constant reminder of that horrible night five years ago when she not only lost her best friend but her life. A single tear fell down her cheek and she quickly wiped it away with the back of her hand. She wasn't going to do this again. She wasn't going to become one of his victims.
Amita still went to the cemetery. Silently asking for the forgiveness she thought she never could deserve. Someone still put flowers on her grave every day of the week. Amita guessed it was her parents. Julie's death was hard on them both. She was their first and only child and they never had another one after her death. She guessed no one could replace the most wonderful person they knew. They say a loss of a child is the worst thing anyone can experience.
This morning she saw them visiting Julie's grave. She knew they didn't blame her for her death but she still wasn't sure how they would react seeing her after so many years. She left before they could see her. But all the bad memories of that day came back to her.
The doctors said she was lucky. Lucky she didn't die. A thing she for a long time after that night wished she had. The police officers who were at the scene of the crime told her he easily could have killed her like he did with the other ones. They had seen it before. It wasn't the first time this bastard did something like this. Amita was told there were five other girls prior Julie. Five lives he had no right to take.
Julie was her best friend. She couldn't save her from the man who did this to her and Amita was forced to live with that knowledge. She always thought no one would find out as long as she kept a distance. Maybe if she took the job at Harvard she could finally leave all of this behind her. But she knew that was a lie. The memories would follow her whether she lived here in Los Angeles or moved to another country on the other side of the planet.
The nightmares were practically gone but once in a while she could still wake up drenched in sweat and tangled in her sheets. Sometimes she could even swear she heard Julie scream. The same scream she heard that night five years ago. It was a call for help. Unfortunately the help didn't come until it was already too late.
A phone far away startled her. She got up from the couch and went to the window. She didn't want to talk to anyone. The phone kept ringing but she ignored it. She wasn't in the mood and she was pretty sure who it was anyway. After a while the wanted silence was back. The only thing she heard now was the clock ticking in the bookshelf. Amita went into the kitchen and poured some coffee in a cup. She needed the caffeine.
After ten more minutes of thinking the phone rang again. She sighed and looked at the phone lying beside her on the counter. She knew there was only one way to make it stop ringing the entire morning.
"Hallo." She answered pressing the phone against her left ear.
"Hi, it's me." She knew who "me" was.
"Hi Charlie." Considering the circumstances it still felt good to hear his voice. This was the first time they talked since last night. Last night when they almost kissed.
"I called you earlier but you didn't answer."
"Yeah, sorry. I was in the shower." She lied.
"Oh. Okay…ehm…I know it's you're day off and all but I…I kind of need your help with something." He sounded nervous.
"Sure. What do you need?"
"Don has a kidnapping case where the kidnapper is communicating by sending e-mail to the victim's parents and…and I know you have a program they can use to find his computer's location."
"Yeah…" She said and walked into the living room "I have it right here." She picked up a CD with her free hand.
"So, you'll help me right? I don't really know how it works." She smiled.
"Sure, I'll help."
"Okay, I'll pick you up in fifteen minutes?"
"Sounds good. See you then."
"Yeah, bye."
She put the phone back on the kitchen counter and finished her one cup of coffee hoping it would be enough to keep her from falling asleep. She left the kitchen and went into the bathroom stopping in front of the mirror. She looked exactly like she felt. With the help of some makeup she tried her best to cover the dark bags under her eyes hoping no one would notice them.
Fifteen minutes later, just like he told her, the door rang. She gathered her things and opened it.
"Right on time." She said trying not to sound too tired. He smiled when he saw her. He always did and therefore it killed her even more when she had to let him down over and over again. She locked the door behind them and went down the stairs towards the parking lot where his car was parked.
The drive over to Don's office was silent. Anyway until the next red light. She saw Charlie in the corner of her eyes and she could tell he wanted to say something.
"Amita…about last night…" He started after clearing his throat a couple of times.
"Don't worry about it." She interrupted him before he had a chance to finish. She knew what he was going to say. He was going to apologize. She didn't need him to apologize for something that wasn't even his fault. But she didn't say that. In fact neither one of them spoke during the last minutes of the drive.
TBC