A story by Jaide!

DISCLAIMER

Normally I don't make one of these, since this website DOES IT FOR YOUbut I might piss off a lot of people here, plus, I plan to MAKE FUN OF DISCLAIMERS!

I do not own the Resident Evil Series. Capcom does. I do not own Capcom. But I do own Leon, since he is a fruit cup. I also own most of the Capcom staff, since they owe me money.

Pay up Bill, don't make me kick your door down!

Well, you all know I don't own Capcom. Now, this story is offensive, on many levels. That's why it has a naughty rating. But hey, I'm not going to tell kids not to read it, since they will want to more. Probably while looking up nude pictures. Sick kids.

On to the parody.

Leon Scott Kennedy let his boot ride a little heavier on the gas, as the ugly gray jeep shot down the highway, and since this is worthless and boring, prepare to fast forward.

Preparing to fast forward!

Fast forward!

Fast forwarding!

The jeep drove slowly down the street of the city proper, as the red haired cop scanned the streets with his sky blue eyes. He had his uniform on, even though Leon was coming in from outside of town, and had no real reason to wear it. But to be honest, he hadn't taken it off in days. It made him feel special. Most people would have thought it odd that a big city like Raccoon had a street that was devoid of life, as the one he now cruised through did. Not a single soul walked among the waning light of day, even though it was only like nine at night. No, Officer Kennedy's thoughts wandered to more urgent matters at hand.

"I wonder how come it's called Raccoon City. I sure don't see many of those little bandits. Just a bunch of crows flocked in the middle of the street. Holy crap!"

He slammed on the brakes, the jeep shuddering to a stop. Leon was horrified at what he saw. For a second, he had thought that maybe the grill of the large vehicle had hit one of the birds. But, they flew away, thank goodness. Leon stepped out of the jeep, looking skyward.

"Whew, that was close. Hello, what's this?"

In the street in front of the jeep's headlights, a prone form lie upon the pavement, face down. It was a woman, and for a thrilling second, Leon thought she might be unconscious, making her fair game. Unfortunately, she was dead. Sucks for the poor lonely cop, but lucky for her. Snapping his fingers in frustration, Leon reached down and drew his puny gun. Which was pretty funny, actually. Leon had a very small gun, and for some reason, a knife that was easily the size of his forearm. Most cops didn't carry knifes of that size, but Leon was raised on Crocodile Dundee and James Bond movies. Teeny gun, big knife. Leon left the safety of his jeep, whistling casually as he walked toward the girl. A black leather boot prodded her shoulder, as he frowned thoughtfully.

"Sucks for her. I wonder where I can get something to eat around here."

Leon crouched next to the girls still oozing body, looking her over briefly. She didn't have any food on her, which didn't help him any. Still crouched next to her, he prodded her once more, with the barrel of his weapon.

"Hmm... maybe if I leave her here, nobody will find her, and I can just pretend this never happened."

That was when he heard it, a slight shuffling movement behind him, causing the young cop to crane his neck around. Two people, a man and woman, shuffling toward him. They were both covered in blood, dripping from their pale white lips, and covering their clothes and rotting hands. Must have been the killers. Leon stood rather quickly, spinning to aim the gun at the first person.

"Great, now I have to kill these two so there are no witnesses. Okay, gotta at least pretend to be a cop. Freeze. Don't come any closer."

Leon nodded, smiling. There, that sounded enough like an Officer of the Law. He fired once, the bullet piercing the man's chest with a sickening crack. Turning his aim, he fired twice into the woman, square in the chest, knowing that women didn't go down as easily as men. Leon knew this first hand. Leon started to lower the gun, and they kept coming, causing a raised eyebrow by the "cop".

"What the crap? Um..."

He fired a few more times, to no avail. A sigh escaped Leon's lips, as he put both hands on his hips.

"Okay, what kind of witnesses are you? You're supposed to be dead by now."

Still, they kept coming. Suddenly, there were more. A lot more, all shambling out from various alleyways and streets. Most people would have noticed sooner, but, this was Leon. Dur.

"I don't have the ammo for this..."

With that Leon turned, threw both hands into the air, and sprinted for an alleyway behind him. It was a short run, and he found that the creatures were a lot slower. He could probably run circles around one. In fact, Leon was JUST about to run back out and test the theory, when a door flew open to his left. Leon spun, and screamed, closing both eyes as he aimed the shaking gun into the doorway.

"Wait! Don't shoot!"

A girl's voice. A HOT girl's voice. Leon's eyes shot open, bright blues locking onto the shocked brunette standing in front of him, hands in the air. Yup, she was hot. But the guy behind her wasn't, which was a disappointment. Oh, it was a zombie. Clearing his throat, Leon put on his toughest face, and strongest voice.

"Get down!"

The girl ducked, and Leon fired twice, hitting the fat shambling cook in the forehead. He fell back, blood going "sploosh" all over the floor. Leon turned the gun, looking at the end of the smoking barrel.

"Head shots work. I should write that down. Nah, I'll remember it." Leon tended to lie to himself. Poor guy. He looked down at the girl, and grinned, proud of being tough. He put on that strong voice again, and held a hand out to her.

"We can't stay out here. Come with me, we'll be a lot safer at the Police Station"

She reached up, grasping his hand, and he had to work not to squeal. A girl, was touching, his hand. I'll tell you what, Leon Scott Kennedy felt pretty big right about then. He helped the girl up, and they both ran out the other side of the alley, bursting out into the street. Right about then, his stomach growled, and those blue eyes darted back to the alley.

"Say, was that a diner you ran out of?"

"Um... don't you think we should run?"

"Huh? Oh, right!"

Leon glanced around, finally spotting a car across the street, a cop car, nonetheless. Man, the writer's sure were looking out for this guy. Both doors stood open, as if someone had just exited the vehicle.

"There!"

Leon pointed and ran, crossing the distance in a second and leaping into the car with a bounce, as the girl scrambled in. He grabbed the keys, turning them, and the car started, Leon giving it gas and sending the car lurching from the curb. What he didn't notice as he sped off, however, was the two men in uniform running after the car, screaming for him to stop. Their screams to stop turned into screams of pain, as they died, a group of zombies jumping them, taking their money, and devouring them. Leon snatched up the radio, pressing the button to transmit to the Raccoon Station.

"Bandit Central, this is Omega Dolphin, respond."

Before anyone could respond, as they were about to, Leon turned the switch to "off", and dropped the CB.

"What the hell is going on? I arrive in Raccoon and the whole place is insane-"

"Great, the radio's out," Leon interrupted, not bothering to listen to a word the girl said. He drove faster, swerving casually for no reason, and speeding, although he didn't need to. But, because he could.

"You're a cop, right?" The girl was looking over at him, eyebrow raised. She seemed to have her doubts.

"Yes! See this badge!" With that, Leon dug into his pants pocket, forcing the girl to lean over, snatching the steering wheel before they both went flying into a curb.

"I believe you!"

"Okay then."

Leon grabbed the wheel back, looking casually over at her, and not at the road, since you don't need to watch where you are going to drive, right?

"I'm Leon Kennedy."

"Claire Redfield. I came looking for my brother Chris..." She looked out the window, cueing sad music, if there had been music.

"Well, he's dead I bet. If we were squirrels, would you let me bust a nut in your hole?"

"What did you just say!" Leon coughed, as the Claire shot a look at him, scowling.

"Nothing. Check the glove box. I'm sure a hapless cop stuffed a Browning handgun in there for some reason, since they all put extra guns and ammo in the glovebox for some reason."

Claire blinked twice, then opened the glovebox, reached in, and pulled out a handgun.

"There's a gun inside."

"Did you not listen to a word I said? Stupid girl. This goes against all police protocol, as well as being just plain stupid, since I don't know you in any way shape or form and shouldn't trust you, but you had better take it with you. Just in case. Go ahead and take that box of about ninety bullets, which is standard issue in a glovebox."

"Yeah, okay..."

Just then, a zombie, which had been napping in the back seat, leapt toward the front, trying to bite Leon's shoulder.

"No!"

He threw the car to the left, slamming the police cruiser into a building, and knocking the zombie toward Claire. He jerked it again, sending the zombie into the back seat.

"Look out!"

Despite Claire's warning, Leon smashed the car into a light pole, after doing a couple donuts, since his driving skills suck the root. The creature went through the windshield, smashing into the pole and dying.

"Man, you can't drive."

"Oh, shut up. You're a ho."

"I most certainly am NOT. I don't get paid for sexual favors!"

"Oh, so you do it for free?"

Claire blinked twice, before frowning, and looking out the back window of the "parked" car.

"What's that?"

"Oh, changing the subject slut?"

"No, that large semi-truck shaped thing."

Leon turned, looking back at the large semi-truck shaped vehicle that was barreling down the road, making a line straight toward the cop car.

"Maniac's gonna ram us!"

"Well, duh."

Leon slapped the belt buckle of his seat belt, vaulting out of the door with a scream. Claire shrugged, opening her door and running out, sprinting from the car. The truck hit, exploding with a large explosion, and sending both parties flying, but since this is based on Leon, we don't know what happened to Claire. Nobody likes her anyway. Anycrap, Leon landed in a heap, rolling around dramatically even though the explosion was long past. He climbed slowly to his feet, shielding eyes from the chemical flames.

"Leon?"

He heard Claire's voice, barely, through the fire. She was alive, dang.

"Wanna swap bodily fluids?"

"What did you just say!"

"Nothing. Head to the station, I'll meet you there."

"Oh... okay."

With that, Leon's journey truly began?