She can't control me anymore.
She. Can. NOT. Control. Me. Anymore.
I am an adult, and she is in a nursing home, but yet she is all that I ever hear in my head. It doesn't matter than I am twenty seven years old. It doesn't matter that I am a doctor. I am an intern. I am a surgical intern, but it doesn't matter. I was the intern, she was the medical God.
I was the child, and she was woman that gave birth to me. She was the one who bought my food, and she was the one that instilled in me things I can never forget.
She made me who I am, and it's impossible not to hate her for that.
Quit crying, Meredith.
Grow up, Meredith.
Think before you speak, Meredith.
Do not disappoint me, Meredith.
Men always leave, Meredith.
I've always been impulsive. Whether it throwing tantrums, or kissing boys, or dying my hair pink, I've always been one not to take life too seriously. I do not depend, and I do not stick around for the possibility.
Or I didn't.
Until I met him, and he chased me. He was- he is my boss. I could not hide from him, no matter how hard I tried. And I did try. I drew invisible lines, and I tried to be professional, but he would have none of it.
He pushed and pushed and then I finally gave in. One can only be so persistent. There was a certain charm in his persistence. Not even factoring in the leaning, and the smiling, and his heart-melting eyes.
So I gave in, and we were going to have a talk. I had no desire to catch an STD after all. I was a doctor. I had pride. He told me I had steak and a bottle of wine with my name on it. And I believed him.
Then she walked in, and my hope was shoved to the side, and she took back over, even when she was miles away in a nursing home, completely clueless to what was going on. She thought I was still five years old, and she was talking about things that I didn't want to hear about, but yet she was the only voice I could hear ringing in my ears.
Even still, I could hear the redhead introducing herself as Derek's wife, and I was the whore, and she was fucking perfect. Her manicured nails, and perfectly curled hair. Did rain not fucking affect her? The thunder rolled on outside warning me of what was to come, but I was clueless. I was naive.
I was already in love, and her voice raged on.
You can't trust anyone, Meredith. Do you understand me, Meredith? No one.
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I learned the hard way, to never let it get that far
I thought she missed my dad. I thought that she'd finally realized how big of a mistake it was that she'd thrown him out on the streets with nowhere to go, and no way to see me. No way to see her. No way to take care of all the things that she hadn't ever had to worry about.
She kept to her bed for days, never leaving her room. She had a bathroom connected to her room, so I never even saw her for that. No matter how much I banged on the door, begging for her just to please call my dad. He would understand, I cried into her wooden door. He would understand if she just gave him the chance to.
I had no idea she was crying for another man. I had no idea she had an affair, and the man had chosen his wife. I had no idea, and she clearly didn't care about what I wanted enough to explain the difference to me.
It was four days. She walked in there on a Friday morning, and left Monday night. and I never once saw her leave her room. I suppose she ate while I was at school, or she'd stocked up her room. I had no idea. I never found out. When she emerged from the lock down, she was in her scrubs, and she told me to go to bed. She had to go to the hospital, and I had school in the morning, and she would not have a stupid child living in her home.
I couldn't even tell she'd been crying, and I remember being so envious of her. My cheeks were rough from me wiping away at them, and my eyes were swollen from the tears. She didn't look any different. Not that I saw her very often, but I remember thinking that one day, I was going to be as strong as she was. I would avoid pain at all costs, and if that ever failed me, I sure as well wouldn't let anyone else know about it. She was my hero for five minutes- until I realized that I was alone again. Not only did I miss my dad, but I suddenly missed my mom too.
Even if it was just the sound of her crying through the small gap under her door- not even thick enough to stick a pencil through. I knew because I had tried. I was supposed to go on a field trip on that Tuesday. I couldn't go because she never signed it. The field trip was to the hospital. It'd been my idea. I wanted to show everyone why my mom was never there for Parent day. She was busy saving lives. I found the slip in the trash bin beside my head as I crawled into her bed to finally fall asleep. It apparently didn't matter that I wanted to show her off to all of my friends, because she didn't want to claim me more than she absolutely had to. One of the pillows still smelled like my dad, and it eventually was enough to let me fall asleep, for one night at least.
She thought I was a nurse. She didn't know she was talking to her grown daughter as she told me she went at it like animals with my fucking chief. She didn't know that she was talking to her daughter about an affair that destroyed her daughter's life, but I somehow doubt she would care.
She never loved anyone in her entire life except for Richard Webber, and I could only make sure her bills were paid. I could only try to extend her medical legacy. There was no other legacy of her. The last she remembered I flew off to Europe with Sadie, and never returned. She doesn't know that I came back and went to medical school. She doesn't know that I did it for her.
She doesn't know anything about me at all, and yet she still controls me. It wasn't fair. It wasn't right, and I certainly didn't like it, but it didn't change the fact that it was true. She was Ellis Grey, she was a control freak, and it would be pointless to pretend that the control didn't reign down over me.
Because I let her. Because rebelling against her had lead me nowhere good. It'd lead me with sleeping with too many strangers than I count, and situations that were less than comforting. Following in her footsteps led me to med school, it gave me a job. It made me realize that just because she was a heartless doctor didn't mean I had to be.
It was because of her that I took Derek home to a house that I hadn't slept in in years, and it was because of her that I threw him out the next morning.
It was because of her.
It was all I knew. It was I understood. It was all I could comprehend. It was what she'd taught me.
And it was because of her that I walked away when I found out Derek was married, because she was right. Men can not be trusted. Even if they are exceptionally good at hiding it.
And I hated him for it. How dare he prove anything that woman said right. It was the ultimate crime against me, and I felt more betrayed about that than his wife specifically.
We hadn't had the talk yet. I hadn't asked, and he hadn't specifically lied. Omitted? Yes, on a very large scale, he had omitted, but I had, as well. He didn't know hardly anything about me.
He'd called it the gravy of our relationship. He'd said it with a smile. He'd said to calm me. He'd said it to make me smile.
I called it the doom, because that's what it was. If I would have known, I would have never fallen in love, and I would never gotten hurt. I would have never requested two days off work and spent them entirely cradled into my room. The same room my mother had cooped up in as well. It was all too eerily familiar, and I could only be glad that I didn't have a small child on the other side of the door, because I wasn't sure I would be able to take care of anyone else. I couldn't even take care of myself.
I had to walk away, and I was glad.
I didn't want to give him the chance to prove her right again. I could heal from one offense, and keep my pride. I could not heal from two.
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I was in middle school when she brought home her first male friend. It was late at night when she got home, and I was supposed to be asleep, but there'd been a bad thunderstorm, and even though I knew she was a doctor, and could probably take care of herself even if there was an accident, I was still worried. Because even though she was a pretty terrible parent, she was the only one I had.
I was shocked when I heard the male voice. I kept waiting for her to bring him into my room to meet me. My door never opened. There was never even a knock. I heard her door close, and it was only moments later that I covered my ears with my pillows. I knew enough about my mom to know that if she didn't talk to me, she expected me not to attempt to listen. Manners, she told me, a girl such as yourself should have manners. Hadn't my dad been useful to her at all?
He was gone when I woke up the next morning. She was in the kitchen drinking a cup of coffee, and I thought she looked very tired considering she'd actually been in her room at a reasonable hour that night. I kept that to myself though as I made myself a bowl of cereal. I wasn't in the mood to get yelled at over something I knew nothing about. I was eleven, what did I know about being an adult?
Nothing. Except that I never ever wanted to be one.
Ever.
"Your father isn't coming back for you, Meredith." She glared at me, and I simply nodded. She clearly knew more about his where abouts than I did. She seemed to know everything.
I should have known better than believe he was going to sign the divorce papers. I should have known that when men say that, they never really mean it. But he just looked so damn sincere. So torn. So loving.
I told him I loved him.
Like a pathetic puppy whimpering about being given away after peeing on the new owner's bed. I whined and I pleaded, and I tried to make him understand that choosing his wife was a bad idea. I tried to make him understand that he'd left New York for a reason. I might not be a goddess like she is, but I was me, and I loved him. And I wanted that to be enough.
But it wasn't. He said the ring was what stopped him. She was the love of his life, and just because we'd slept together a few nights in a row- that didn't change that. Nothing changed that- because she was sorry for what she'd done. They'd spent 11 years together- 11 Christmases and Thanksgivings, and I hadn't spent any of them with him. Not one.
I would have been willing to though, if he'd given me the chance.
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
I was lost. I was fucking lost without him, and I felt so pathetic. I was the hospital gossip mill, and I didn't have anything to show for it. Not even good sex, because he was off sleeping in his trailer with his wife, who wore Prada heels, and probably thought my fifteen dollar haircut looked hideous in comparison to hers that probably costs hundreds.
I hated her and envied her at the same time, even though I knew I would never be like that. I never wanted to be like her. She was a surgical genius in her field, and that felt a litte too much like Ellis for my comfort zone. So I was content to hate her- even if she was fucking flawless in every detail.
It was the flaws that made someone human. It was the flaws that made them compassionate. It was the flaws that gave us jobs- gave us patients. Some flaws I wasn't willing to fix- even if it would give me Derek.
Not that he ever suggested I change. On the contrary, he seemed to embrace our differences, down to the fact that I rode elevators, and she took the stairs, or apparently even our shampoo. Or the fact that she worked with babies, and despite the fact that I despised my mother, the human brain fascinated me. Despite the fact that meant I was working with him directly if I wanted to really pursue it. Despite everything in me that told me to walk away, I stayed, because he was magnetic. I was his flame. He was my moth. We saw each other constantly, and despite what I told myself and my friends, seeing him everyday didn't make anything any easier.
I was too strong to cry in front of him. I was too proud to show that it fucking bothered the hell out of me to watch him bond with her right in front me. They shared coffee, and she picked off his plate, and it was completely disgusting to watch. The only solace I had was that sometimes, just sometimes, his eyes would drift away from her to meet mine, and I knew that I hadn't been forgotten. He wasn't as cold as my mother or my father, he might have left me, but he had not forgotten me, and that meant more than I could ever proceed to explain someone.
I was unforgettable to someone. Even if just for a little awhile. Even if he wore someone else's matching ring. He'd shared my bed with me, and he remembered it.
It was harder to keep the line of reality clear when it was just the two of us- or more precisely when she wasn't around. Like when we were in surgery, and he'd let me stand incredibly close to him. Close enough to measure how even his breathing was. To know if his arm twitched- even once. I knew, and the proximity was killing me, but I forced a smile, because that's what I'd been taught.
Life doesn't always go your way, Ellis told me right before I graduated in high school, but that doesn't mean you get to fucking whine about it every time it rains in Seattle. If you don't like the rain, she continued, get the hell out of Seattle.
And I had, now I was back, and I was starting to seriously question my mental capacity for that fact. There was nothing there for me at all except a mother that blamed me for an affair that should have never happened, and a married man that I couldn't have because he didn't want me.
What the fuck was wrong with me that I enjoyed the torrential rain so damn much. It was sick and masochistic, and I hated myself for it.
I didn't understand at the time, but she'd been telling me that she made her own bed, but that didn't mean that I had to sleep in it. She was giving me an out, and I took it without realizing it.
Who knew it would be her that dragged me back? What would she say if she ever realized it?
Weak, I figure. She would think I was being weak, just like I'd been in her eyes my entire life. Couldn't even live my own life without caving into her.
I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
Over the same damn thing
I hated him for putting me in this situation. I was my mother's daughter in more aspects than one, and it was so easy to solely blame him for this one. Even though her voice was in the back of mind whispering, "Don't you know the first thing to do is to get a history, Meredith." I'd heard it a million times as a child as she dragged me around that damn hospital. She'd let me watch her suture up minor wounds in the pit, and sometimes, when I was REALLY good, she would let me sit in the viewing room while she was in surgery and watch as as she amazed her superiors the same way she always amazed me.
She was so certain of her actions- so precise. Nothing she ever did was on accident, and no step she took was without thought. Impulsive was not a name used to ever describe my mother, and I often wondered how I seemed so different from her. So aimless, so lost. So broken.
I never knew that she was broken too. I thought the one lock down had healed her, but it took me years to realize I was wrong. She'd never healed, she'd sutured herself without ever cleaning the wounds, without taking of f the bandage to let them to air- she never allowed herself to breathe after the trauma. She never stopped to take care of herself, and I would be damned if I would make that same mistake.
I never knew I was the only thing that kept her going. I didn't know because she never told me, and she certainly never showed it. How was I to know that making sure I had food to eat was what kept her going?
She never even told me she loved me. I'm not even sure she did. I think that maybe I was just another responsibility that she was determined to not fail at. Ellis Grey did not fail, and she certainly did not kill someone if it was at all possible. Compared to brain surgery, I suppose making sure a child had food seemed rather simple and easy. If only she'd thrown in a hug every now and then, and maybe my entire life would be different.
It's hard to tell.
I almost died today. A bomb effing blew up, and it'd sent me flying back a solid fifteen feet. I'd watched it blow up. I'd watched him blow up, and they sent me home. I was offered therapy, but the last thing I wanted to do was talk to some shrink about the bomb. I was too afraid she would ask about something else. Like the fact that I was in love with a married man, or that my mom was in a nursing home and didn't know who I was, and it didn't feel very different than the way she treated me as a child. Only now she wasn't making sure I got fed, I was making sure she got fed.
Where was the benefit in that?
I was surprised when Izzie told me I had a visitor, even more surprised when she told me I had to go downstairs to speak them. None of the people I cared about bothered knocking on my bedroom door, much less the door to enter my house.
Then I saw him from the stairwell, and my breath hitched in my throat. He'd come to check on me. He hadn't forgotten me still, and I felt a wave of relief that I wasn't still being clingy and pathetic all by myself.
After all, I'd told him I had a feeling, and he told me it would pass. He didn't tell me that it would pass after I got effing blown off my feet by a bomb. He'd left that part out. Of course, how could he have known?
Not all feelings pass though. Like shame.
The blood was leaking onto the kitchen floor from her wrists when I walked into the kitchen for my normal bowl of cereal, and it was all I could do not to vomit as I dialed 911. If I'd learned anything, it was the number to call in case of an emergency. My mother bleeding to death on my kitchen floor seemed like a good enough reason to call at the time, but she'd disagreed.
She'd said I was being a scared brat. She'd said she would have been fine. Bodies have blood clotters, she'd said. But I didn't believe her. I'd seen the puddle of blood forming. She hadn't. She'd been unconscious.
"You almost died today." I whispered as I sat down in the chair beside her hospital bed, and she rolled her eyes at me.
"No one is dying, Meredith." She rolled her eyes at me, but it seemed to take effort, and I think she was a lot closer than maybe she even realized. The paramedics had sure seemed damned worried when they saw her. Given, they knew her. They saw her more than I did. The thought was unsettling,at best.
"You're the doctor.." I whispered, and leaned my head back against the chair that was the perfect height for my tiny frame.
"That's right." She nodded quickly. "No one has come to see me, right Meredith? I told you I don't want any visitors."
"No visitors. I made sure of it." I smiled proudly at her, and yet she didn't look pleased with that answer. It was what she'd wanted. I couldn't do anything right.
"You almost died today." He smiled faintly at me, and I blinked back the memory.
"Yeah." I sighed, pushing my hands into my back pockets to avoid reaching out to him. I wouldn't. No matter how much I wanted to. My mother had done it all alone, and I would too. I had to. Just because he'd snuck away from his wife for an hour did not make him mine to hold. "I almost died today." Then my heart won over my brain, and somehow, I don't know how exactly, she was pushed out of my head just long enough to prove just how pathetic I really felt. I needed to know though. I wanted to remember the last time we'd kissed. Didn't I deserve that?
"I'm glad you didn't die today." He smiled at me, and then I felt even worse as I watched him turn away from me, ready to abandon me all over again. Didn't he realize that I wasn't out of the woods yet? That my mental state was still very much on the edge of collapse. As if he heard my thoughts, he turned back towards me and he told me, a smile never ceasing from his lips, and I was glad that he remembered. It meant something, even if we could never speak of it. I almost grinned when he seemed so desperate to know the scent of my hair. He'd done me a favor, I felt obliged to return the favor.
"Lavender." I told him, and he repeated it as if it was was right in the world again. As if it made the fact that he was going to his wife a little more bearable than it'd been just moments before. A little more acceptable. It wasn't.
Then he left, and her voice came back full force, nearly screaming to make up for the fact that she'd been momentarily kicked out of my thoughts.
"I told you, Meredith. Men always leave" She taunted me as I went back upstairs, but I didn't care. I now had our last kiss stored into my memory, and I would never let it go.
No matter how much she screamed.
It was just a moment stolen in time, but it was mine. There was nothing anyone could do now.
Because of You
"Mom. It's Me. Meredith." I try to grasp onto her hand as I sit across from her at the nursing home. Derek signed the divorce papers. It was done, and for the first time in my life, Ellis was proven wrong, and even if she would forget it in ten seconds, I didn't care. I had to tell her. I wanted to see her face.
"You were wrong, Mom." I smile at her, and her eyes narrow. Of course Ellis Grey, even with a mental disease, does not like to be told that she is wrong. "You were wrong. Some men come back to you."
"Don't be absurd. I haven't seen Richard in years, Meredith. He's not coming back tome." She shook her head at me, and I blanked. I forced myself to swallow the lump in my throat as I looked at her. She'd lived half of her life waiting for him to come back to her, and now he visited her, and she couldn't remember him.
It must be awful. Even you managed to feel sorry for her, but at the same time, you were glad that she was still wrong. Even Richard came back, and so did Derek.
For the first time in your life, you felt like you'd done something that wasn't because of your mother, and it felt amazing.
You smiled. "Maybe you're right, Mom. Good luck in surgery." I patted her hand before standing up. She wasn't going to be in surgery anytime soon, but I was.
That was because of her.