A/n: So, first story with this penname. I have another one. But I think I'm going to keep this one for random one-shots that pop in my head and won't let go, like this one. I actually had this idea while reading 1984 by George Orwell. Oh, and the title is from the song 'Cries in Vain' by Bullet for my Valentine. No need to listen to the song before reading. I just kind of thought the title fit.
This is sort of different from what I usually do, and I would absolutely LOVE feedback tell me what you like, what you hated, and what I need to work on. I would appreciate it more than you'll ever know.
Cries in Vain
I was dead. I only knew it was a matter of time.
She was gone. I don't think those words really registered in my mind.
She was gone. I'd never get to hold her lithe body against mine again. Hear her giggle as I lifted her up in my arms. Kiss her soft lips with a taste that was uniquely Kim. Kim just thinking my beautiful angel's name left like my throat was getting choked, and my chest was being ripped to shreds.
I would already be dead already if I had any say in it. But of course I had no say in my own life. I was at the mercy and command of the Alpha.
The tears were all gone. I couldn't cry any more. What had taken hold was a grim acceptance. A lifelessness.
You can cry yourself out, scream at the world, kill and maim until the world burns down, but at some point you have to finally get to a type of acceptance. I couldn't cry any more. It was useless anyway. Crying solved nothing. I wasn't angry at the sources of my agony either. In fact I don't think I could really show any emotion again.
The others complain, but I feel no remorse. I hear hilarious jokes that are exactly my brand of homour, but I don't smile. I eat, but just enough to stay alive. I see decent looking girls, but I forget that I've seen anything a second later. I look around me, but I don't see anything. I have conversations, but I forget that person exists the second the exchange stops. I hear music, but I don't listen to it.
I'm not depressed. I care nothing for life. I don't want to kill myself. I see it as a necessity to keep my sanity. There is no life without her. It's a fact. So, I'd just be ending the nothingness that has overcome me. I can't have much of a life without gravity. And that's what she was, my gravity. She kept me in check. She kept my lungs breathing, my heart beating.
Once I had heard the news I went to the hospital. Not her, never her, it couldn't happen to her, that was all I could think all the way to the hospital. She would live. Others might die, but not her.
When I got there it was too late. She was gone, and I couldn't say goodbye.
At first I'd felt nothing but hatred. I barely made it out of the hospital a human, but I didn't stay one long. All I could see was a red. In the pit of my stomach there was a fire burning for revenge. They had killed my life. My Kim, so small, so pure and innocent. I couldn't picture her without her smile or the love of life in her eyes. The fire was coursing through my veins. Suddenly I had heard Sam's voice.
Jared, Stop. I didn't. I couldn't. The hate was all that I was living for. I felt like I was going to fly apart into pieces if the debt of her life was not repaid with their blood.
Jared, this will solve nothing. Kim wouldn- I went into a blind rage. How dare he tell me what my imprint would want. There was no way in hell he'd be that calm if it was Emily that was lying dead because of two idiotic bastards that decided to drunkenly race each other on a small two lane highway. Kim was innocently driving when-
A painful thought hit me so hard that I doubled over in throbbing pain. She was in her car on the way to see me. If it weren't for me she would be alive. If I would have not been such a lazy ass after patrols and gone to her house instead of the other way around it would have been me that would have been six feet under.
I should be dead. Not her. Anyone but her. It was done. I couldn't change the past. I had to believe in heaven because someone upstairs had given me my angel.
I was going to be with her again. Soon. The direction of my thoughts had already caught his sharp attention. A plan had barely formed in my mind and I was already headed east. When I heard that voice again. That demanding voice that wouldn't give me peace and let me be with my Kim.
Jared. No. I forbid you to harm yourself in any way, shape, or form. Listen to me. Kim wouldn't want you to harm yourself. Keep yourself alive for her.
I was dead anyway.
I was leaning against a bolder at the edge of the forest that looked over the turbulent ocean. I was like this ocean. A storm was brewing. I didn't know when it was going to burst, but when it did all hell would break loose.
I had no will to live. Right now, all that was forcing me to keep from dying was the orders that I was blood-bound to obey.
I looked around half-heartedly, this was where I had taken Kim when I'd told her what I was. I had been braced for the worst. Cringing away, screaming, anger, hurt, confusion, claims of my insanity. What I hadn't thought of was her acceptance. I had underestimated her ability to take things in stride. But that was my Kim. She'd been perfect in every way.
Her body had fit mine exactly. She'd always know what was on my mind. She's spoil me with her wonderful cooking (better even than Emily's). Her sparkling caramel eyes radiated her intelligence and love. I never would know what I had done to deserve such love. I knew she deserved much better, and yet… she had settled for me. I can't express how grateful I was that she had chosen me. It meant more than any words ever could say. Her voice was beautiful; every time she spoke she seemed to be singing. Her temper was short and she talked way to much when she was nervous, but her flaws made me love her more.
I heard a howl echoing, being carried on the gusting wind over to me. This meant it was time for patrol. No one wanted to be around my pessimism and listlessness. Not that I cared.
I knew it was only a matter of time. After all I was already dead.