Coffee
Coffee
Her home had always smelled like coffee.
Lorelai rang the bell of the big manor, which seemed so forbidding but had actually been her home once. It seemed centuries ago since she had been here, but she knew it had been only since last Christmas. She sighed. It always felt so good to leave from here, to get into her car and drive away from it without a backwards glance.
Suddenly the door in front of her opened and instead of a maid her mother stood there, seeming surprised to see her daughter.
"Lorelai, is it Christmas already?" she asked, as always playing over her surprise and not willing to lose control over a conversation that hadn't even started yet. Everything always had to be on Emily Bloody Glimore's terms.
Never the less her mother invited her into her home. 'Always following Miss Manners, but never really saying what is on her mind and in her heart', Lorelai thought sarcastically. Then she firmly told herself to shut up and get it over with. She was here to ask her parents for money for Rory's school, not move in with them again.
As she entered her childhood home she was suddenly catapulted back into the past. Nothing had really changed since she had left home 15 years prior. The furniture was almost entirely the same, only here and there a new chair or a few crystal figurines more. Even the smell was the same. A wonderful combination of her mother's Chanel No. 5, old, stale Tabaco smoke, drifting over from her father's study … and above all coffee. Freshly-brewed. Warm. Homely. The only thing that made this otherwise cold place home. Lorelai was suddenly five years old again.
Coffee.
Her mother had always smelled like coffee, carrying a cup with her around the house.
"Mummy, mummy!" Lorelai came running through the front door the moment her father had opened it a crack, wide enough for her to squeeze through. She was waving a picture in her tiny, chubby fist. "Mummy, look what I drew in kindergarten."
Her mother came through the door to the dining room, smiling broadly down at her little daughter. In her hand was a fresh cup of coffee and the aroma of the beverage drifted through the air surrounding her. Emily placed it thoughtlessly on the small Inn table in the lobby and crouched down to be on Lorelai's level. The small girl proudly held out the picture, both hands stretched in front of her, nearly thrusting the paper into her mother's face in her eagerness to show her.
Emily laughed and chided her child softly, "Easy there, sweetheart, I'm watching, I'm watching."
Together they sat down on the floor of the lobby and looked over the picture, Lorelai explaining earnestly what everything was. "Look, mummy, that's the clown and here's the pony and that's the con-co-duc …"
"The conductor, love," her mother helped her over the difficult word.
Lorelai nodded. "Yes, him. And this is the elephant. In the corner are the tigers, far away from the elephant so he isn't afraid."
Emily nodded gravely, but Richard saw her eyes sparkle and how she tried to hold in her laughter. He raised an eyebrow at her as she caught him looking at her. "Don't you think our daughter has the makings of a great painter?" he asked and Emily nearly burst into full-throated laughter at Lorelai's proud face.
"Really, daddy?" she asked, her innocent face lighting up.
"Of course," Richard said, hunkering down beside his wife and child. "I go buy a frame and put this picture on my desk. The first piece of art the Famous Lorelai Gilmore ever drew."
At that all three Gilmores started laughing and Lorelai snuggled closer to her mummy, who had her arms around her. She smelled coffee and something else, but 'something else' wasn't interesting. When they had been asked to describe their parents in kindergarten, Lorelai had described her mother's face and how she dressed. Then she had closed her eyes and had said that she smelled of coffee. Every night when Emily checked on her daughter and kissed her forehead one last time, Lorelai smiled because she was wrapped in the smell of her mother and felt safe and loved.
Coffee.
How her father had frowned upon it whenever he saw his wife with it in her hands.
Richard observed his wife carefully. As soon as she came into the room his eyes were drawn to the bulge of her pregnancy. She was now 7 months along and doing fine, according to her doctors. Richard, though, couldn't help but frown at her from time to time.
Right now was one of those times.
Emily carried a tray before her. On it were two cups, a plate of cookies and a pot of coffee.
"Hello, love," Emily greeted him, smiling broadly. "I thought you could use a break and would want to see us."
Richard smiled in answer and nodded eagerly. He then looked on as his wife poured the coffee and handed him one of the cups. The second went into her hands. As she settled down in the armchair across from him, she caught his eyes on her. With a smile she toasted him, "Or do you want to add a splash of Bourbon?"
"How many cups of coffee have you had already?" Richard artlessly side-stepped her quip.
Now Emily frowned herself. "You make it sound like something bad," she retorted reproachfully.
Richard ducked his head. He certainly didn't want to pick a fight with his fiery and over-sensitive wife. He simply grumbled under his breath, "Our child will be a caffeine addict before it is even born."
Unfortunately for him, Emily had perfect hearing. Immediately she fiered up; "It's a hell of a lot more healthy than all those Tabaco fumes I'm submitted to at every business dinner!"
"The doctors said 'in moderation', Emily," he shot back. "And I quit smoking when you told me about your pregnancy."
Emily stood, looking wrathful. "Well, if you think I'm harming our child why don't you give it a try?"
Richard sighed. He had gone and done it, his wife was becoming irrational … not that it would do any good to point that out right now. But the notion was funny and the corners of his mouth were drawn upwards. Emily was looking down in apparent rejection, but now Richard could see her shoulders shaking. The soft sound of her chuckle bubbled up from her and soon both were laughing outright.
"Oh, I'm sorry, Richard, I'm just frazzled … and yes, I am a caffeine addict and I need it to feel better. I should cut down on it, though, for the baby's sake, shouldn't I?"
"You're doing fine, everyone says that, so just keep doing what you were doing. I'm just worrying, is all." He walked over to her and embraced her tenderly. "I love you so much."
Coffee.
The first morning she had tasted it.
Lorelai stumbled out of her room and bumped straight into her mother, who was on her way downstairs for breakfast as well. Sleepily Emily put an arm around her daughter's shoulders and pressed a kiss to her hair.
"Let's go and see if Daddy is disgustingly cheerful this early again," she mumbled, bringing a radiant smile to her daughter's lips.
Richard was indeed disgustingly cheerful while he amiably chatted with the maid and ate his grapefruit. He didn't seem to notice that both his girls were still bleary-eyed and not quite 'there' yet. Emily dropped into her chair, not at all gracefully as usual … that is later in the day … and groped blindly for the pot of coffee. She went through her daily routine without thinking. Fill the cup almost to the rim, add a dollop of cream, add two lumps of sugar and let the waking-up commence.
Lorelai had flopped into the chair at the side of the table and looked dejectedly at her plate of bacon and eggs. As her father gave a loud chuckle over something or other the maid had said, Lorelai only glared at him. "How can anybody be this cheerful at this hour", she grumbled.
Emily shot her a disapproving glance, though she whole-heartedly agreed with her daughter. On second thought, she figured Lorelai could use a pick-me-up today. The poor girl had gotten her period the night before and had hardly found any sleep due to cramping. Richard, of course, was unaware of that little fact. Now Emily glared at her husband but refrained from saying anything. She simply stood, picked up her cup and took it the two steps over to her still-grumbling daughter. Gently she placed it in front of her, stroking through Lorelai's hair with the other hand and placing a sift kiss to the top of her head.
"Here, sweetheart, something to make you feel better," she said softly, picking up Lorelai's empty cup and taking it back to her place. There she performed her daily ritual again. As she looked up, ready to teasingly toast her daughter, she nearly dropped her cup. Lorelai's eyes swam in tears of gratitude as she stared down at her cup. Slowly she closed her eyes, raised her cup and inhaled deeply. Her lips soundlessly formed the word 'mummy' before she cautiously took her first sip.
In a second Lorelai was in heaven. The aroma of the fine Columbian coffee filled her nostrils, drowning out everything else, embracing her like her mother's arms the night before. The warmth of it burned down her throat and spread throughout her body, settling finally in the pit of her stomach, burning away the steady pain in her abdomen.
Slowly her eyes fluttered open again and she met the intense gaze of her mother. They shared a significant mother-daughter moment neither one of them would ever forget over a steaming cup of coffee.
Coffee.
Making Mummy feel better and saying sorry.
Lorelai saw her mother's face and knew that she was sad. Grandmother Trix was in the house and Lorelai knew from previous visits that she always made Emily uncomfortable. Her grandmother was very strict and even rude at times, but her Daddy wouldn't allow complaining in any form.
Today Trix wanted to host a meeting for her Bridge Club and was running her daughter-in-law haggard. She stood in the middle of the hall and shouted instructions to everybody, Emily and Lorelai included.
"Lorelai, comb your hair! You look a mess! … Emily, these flowers won't do. They are too tall. It's ostentatious to have flowers that tall. Go out and buy new ones … Lorelai, what are you wearing? Girls wear skirts, not trousers. Go change at once …" And so on, and so on.
Slowly a steady pounding was beginning in Lorelai's head. It was really annoying how her grandmother was taking over the heft of basically everything. Even Richard was being accounted for the moment he stepped into the house. Lorelai could clearly see how that affected her mother.
Emily was only two minutes away from snapping … and Lorelai knew exactly what she was talking about. She had seen that particular expression turned on herself many times before. Lorelai felt sorry for her mother and incredibly cross with Trix. She wanted to make her mother feel better. A smile formed on her lips; she knew just the thing to do it.
Leaving her grandmother standing while she was still reprimanding Lorelai for her seemingly vulgar appearance, Lorelai ran for the kitchen. The cook was a dear friend of hers, always making her cocoa and giving her a cookie when her mother wasn't watching.
"I need the little coffee pot over the hearth," Lorelai announced the second she sped around the corner.
"Whatever for, young lady?" The cook's broad face was smiling but a suspicious gleam was in her eyes. The seven-year old sure wasn't old enough to drink coffee.
But Lorelai, being Lorelai and not even answering that question, excepted her words to be followed and drew the chair over to the counter. She knew that the special coffee, that mum always reserved for special days or really tiring ones, was in the top shelf of the cabinet. Carefully she climbed up on the chair and from there up on the counter top … and then two strong hands wrapped around her and she was lifted off the counter again. Angrily she whipped around … and gasped as she saw her father.
"Now what do you think you are doing?" Richard asked in that dangerous, barely restrained voice that indicated he had had a rather hectic day at work.
Lorelai gulped and hung her head. Mumbling she tried to explain herself; "I wanted to make Mummy her special coffee so she will feel better."
Richard had to lean in close to hear the words. His eyes softened and his hands assumed a gentler grip on his daughter. She had only wanted to be nice to her mother, but that still didn't justify getting herself in danger by climbing up precariously instable furniture. He sighed and tried to calm himself.
"I just wanted to have a coffee party with Mummy," Lorelai said quietly, close to tears now because she saw her plan going up in flames. "Trix is mean to her and she is so sad, but coffee makes her better."
Richard's ears perked up. He knew that his daughter wouldn't lie about that. So Emily had not exasperated last night when she told him that Trix was constantly putting her down. Richard felt lower than scum right then and there. He was supposed to notice such things … after all he knew what his mother really thought of Emily. His guilty conscience made him hang his head as well and look plaintively at his daughter.
"Do you think I can help?" he asked softly.
Lorelai nodded happily and hugged him around the neck. Then she straightened up again and pointed to the top shelf. "It's the blue container …"
"I know," said Richard. "I put it there so that Mummy couldn't reach it." He was pleased to hear his daughter's laughter, so much like her mother's.
Together father and daughter brewed the strong Espresso in the 'little coffee pot' as Lorelai termed it. She also decorated the tray with rose petals ("Do you think she will mind we picked the prettiest out of the vase?") and little heart confetti she cut out herself. Richard got a plate and liberally sliced into the cake originally for his mother's friends. It was a chocolaty affair with marzipan roses on it. That should cheer up anybody.
"Have you thought about how to get your mother … where ever you wanted to have that coffee party?" Richard asked suddenly.
Lorelai just smiled at him and a decidedly wicked gleam took residence in her eyes. "Oh, just go up to my room and I get her," she announced confidently … and Richard didn't even want to know.
Five minutes later Lorelai burst into her grandmother's meeting with a panicked expression on her face.
"Mummy, Mummy, I broke the doll house Daddy gave me!" she wailed.
Emily hastily got up from her chair and drew breath to chide her daughter, but Trix was faster. "Emily, get that child out of here and deal with her," she hissed so her friends couldn't hear her.
Emily might have been angry with her daughter but her mother-in-law's tone certainly irked her more. How dare that woman give her order's in her own house? And how dare that abominable woman talk like that about her little girl? She stalked off the patio and up the stairs to Lorelai's room, the little girl trailing behind dejectedly. Or so she thought.
Lorelai had trouble keeping a straight face or even turning around and stick out her tongue at Trix. Served the old bag right for upsetting Mum.
As Emily entered Lorelai's rooms, she didn't even notice her husband standing by the bed, grinning broadly, or the beautifully decorated tray. She immediately stirred towards the doll house to see if she could salvage something from it. Frowning slightly she finally noticed that it wasn't obviously broken in any place. Everything was in its place and perfectly alright. Turning towards Lorelai, she was suddenly enfolded in two strong arms around her waist and two small arms around her legs.
"Surprise, Mummy," Lorelai squealed cheerfully and Richard kissed her on the lips.
It turned out to be one of the most treasured memories of all three Gilmores.
Coffee.
The day she left home.
Lorelai walked through the big, heavy mahogany door to her house and heard the reassuringly loud thud as it fell back into its lock. A heavy sigh escaped her lips and she leaned back against it, head tilted back and eyes closed.
How she absolutely hated her school and those rich kids whose only worry was that they didn't get the latest fashion or that they couldn't go to the hippest party. It was really annoying her to no end that these brainless idiots were her friends. Even Christopher had started to act like them, becoming worried with money. Still there were moments when he talked again about breaking free of his predestined path and running off to Europe, traipsing wherever his fancy compelled him to go with only a rucksack on his back and his pockets full of hopes, dreams, but no money. He wanted to sleep in hostiles and on park benches. It sounded romantic … it sounded wonderful … it sounded absolutely unachievable.
Again Lorelai sighed heavily. She wished she could just pack a few things, walk out of the door and be free.
A tiny part in her mind, though, reminded her of her family and how heartbroken her parents would be if she simply disappeared without a word or at least a note. She shook her head no. 'Lorelai, be honest to yourself', she chided herself. 'You are afraid of being all on your own. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose and you know that. You know yourself better than that. You like to come home to your comfortable life where there is a maid and all your needs are taken care of. You are only strong when it counts … when you can be strong for someone.'
Her sensible mind was right, even though she hated to admit it. But there was Rory. She was the someone Lorelai had to be strong for, the someone she had to protect … and the someone who anchored her here. Lorelai knew that she couldn't take care of her child by herself She would need a home, no traipsing around. She would need money and that required a job. She would not be free.
"Yes, I would." It left Lorelai's mouth quietly as if she wasn't sure of that statement herself. "I could choose where I live, I could choose what to work, I could choose my clothes, Rory's clothes, what to eat … everything." With each word her voice got stronger, louder.
She turned around to stomp upstairs and get Rory … that's when her gaze fell on the family portrait. Her parents looked down on herself. Her mother's Mona-Lisa-smile seemed to say 'I know what you're up to' today and her father's thoughtful gaze seemed to beseech her to see reason and stay put. Lorelai's inner self, though, rebelled more and more against her confines and the role she felt compelled to assume.
Sighing Lorelai realized that she wouldn't get far if she simply ran off in a petulant rage simply to spite her parents. She had to think this through.
Changing her course, she walked into the kitchen and took a seat on the bar chair. Her head dropped into her hands and she heaved another sigh. In doing so she inhaled the scent of fresh coffee. The maid had obviously brewed some for herself but then had remembered some chore not yet done. Lorelai shamelessly took advantage of that and got a cup out of the cabinet. She then poured the black cold into it and drank it pure, no milk, no sugar. She needed a strong pick-me-up if she wanted to be able to make a valid decision.
Her thoughts were swirling around in her mind and she couldn't focus on anything really. She saw herself getting her first pay-check … she could all too clearly imagine her parents reaction to her disappearance …
Another sip of coffee and she saw in front of her inner eye the smirking faces of her classmates as they had found out about her pregnancy … she remembered the shame on her mother's face as she had taken Lorelai shopping for pregnancy clothes … she could see the heart-broken expression in her father's eyes as he saw his dreams for the future crumple …
But Lorelai knew that life didn't have to go on like that. She drank the rest of her coffee and dreamed on. She saw herself opening the door to her own home, paid for from her own salary … she heard the voices of some unknown people who weren't judging her for 'getting knocked up' … she saw herself getting married to a faceless stranger but could feel the love that radiated from her conjured vision …
Her vision cleared and Lorelai realized she was still sitting at the counter in her mother's kitchen in Hartford. Nothing had changed and nothing would change. Those were just dreams. Suddenly she heard the door opening and closing again, immediately followed by Emily's sharp voice.
"Lorelai, are you home? I was informed that you left school early today. Lorelai, where are you? Please acknowledge me," Emily called out to the silent house. She was clearly in a huff at having her DAR meeting interrupted on her daughter's behalf.
Lorelai sighed again. She would rather face a dragon than her mother right now. She somehow had the notion that her mother would know exactly what she had been thinking and what she was planning. Leaving her now empty cup on the counter she instinctively snuck to the door to the cellar. There was a window through which she could escape.
It hit her and she stopped dead in her tracks. She was forever running away from her parents, from their plans for her, from their disappointed stares, from their judgement. She had to stop running away. She had to find herself and what was important for her.
With a determined look on her face she turned to the counter again, picked up her cup and filled it. She would NOT run from her mother. She would face her, tell her to go back to her DAR meeting and then go upstairs to pack a few belongings and get Rory ready and then she would be out of here.
Coffee.
The only way she could remember her mother, the only way she felt close to her.
Lorelai's favourite place in the entire Inn was the kitchen. She not only met Sookie there and became fast friend with her but it was the one place she could recall her mother without feeling the usual anger. The kitchen always smelled like coffee. It had three large coffee machines which were constantly brewing coffee for the guests and the employees alike. Lorelai dropped by to refill her cup as often as her duties as maid allowed. Whenever she did so, she would close her eyes and inhale the rich scent wafting over from the machines. She loved that smell.
She saw her mother then in her mind's eye, as she had been when younger and easier to handle. Yes, she could admit that she had been responsible for quite a lot of their fights … but only to herself and only when she was holding a cup of coffee. The other times she forgot how nice Emily could be. She then only remembered the fights, her anger, her parents' disapproval, her sneaking out of their house, them forbidding her any fun in life and trying to control her every step.
But the coffee changed that. She could remember the first cup of coffee her mother had made for her. There had been a few quiet evenings at home with her mum when she didn't have to go to a function and had curled up on the couch in the den with Lorelai and a pot of coffee. They had watched ballroom dancing competitions … well, Emily had watched those but Lorelai had just closed her eyes and inhaled her mother's unique scent and had snuggled into her mother's arms, listening to her soft voice but never remembering what she had said.
Coffee.
An addiction she shared with her own daughter.
Rory moved woodenly towards her mother. She was still not really happy about going to Friday Night Dinners. As much as she wanted a relationship of sorts with her grandparents, she was also apprehensive because of everything Lorelai had told her. It all seemed so surreal … had seemed so surreal until she had overheard the shouting match between her mother and her grandmother in the kitchen. Now she knew that Lorelai had only agreed to these dinners so she, Rory, could go to school. She felt rotten.
"Mum," she said quietly as she watched her mother drink her umpteenth cup of coffee. Then she smiled, maybe a joke would help get the ball rolling. "You know it would be easier if you drank right from the pot."
Lorelai cracked a tired smile but it seemed forced and she didn't come up with a verbal response. Rory sighed. This was not going to be easy.
"I'm sorry about last night," she tried again, even more softly this time. "I don't know what got into me …"
"Oh but I do," her mother interrupted. "As I said yesterday you are my daughter. I would have blown everything for a guy at your age."
"Nuhnuh." Rory made a negative sound. "Lookit you, Mum, you run an Inn and you dream of owning one someday so you didn't blow everything. You just walked a different path, is all."
Lorelai looked up and met her daughter's eyes for the first time this morning. "Hey, kiddo, don't get me all teary-eyed, ok? I need to watch my make-up."
A tentative smile crossed both Gilmore Girls faces and Rory sat down next to her mother.
"Any coffee left?"
"Yup, but I'm not sharing."
"Hey, no fair. I wanna cup, pretty please."
Lorelai stuck her tongue out. "Nope, I'm the mummy and I have to work so I get dibs on the coffee."
"You know I could call Child Care Service, do you?"
"Tsk, tsk, going to tell on mummy now, are we? That gets you no coffee for sure."
"Mean!" Rory now stuck her tongue out at her mother. Then she got up with a heavy sigh and a wistful glance at the coffee pot. She staggered to the door and got upstairs to take a shower.
In the meantime Lorelai finished her last cup of coffee. She smiled as she got up from the table and walked over to the sink. There she cleaned the pot and filled it with water. She knew exactly how much ground coffee her daughter wanted per cup of water and soon the filter was filled to the brim. She whistled a little tune to herself as she hit the 'On'-button and watched the coffee beginning to drip into the pot. When Rory finally emerged from the bathroom, now clad in her new Chilton uniform, Lorelai set the full pot in front of her and kissed her hair gently.
"There, my little Caffeine addict. All yours."
And with that everything was back to normal at the Gilmore's.